Box Office Prophets: A-Lists

A-List: '80s Heels

By Jason Dean

August 15, 2003

From Merriam Webster: heel (noun): a contemptible person

That definition is a little tame for this week’s subject. The following ‘80s film icons are more like wrestling heels: the bad guys, the rule breakers, the ones who will do anything to win and that we love to boo.

Ivan Drago

“I will break you.” I’m not even a fan of the Rocky series and yet I can well remember Dolph Lungren’s superhuman ideal boxer so he’s perfect for this list. I can even remember him hitting those crazy pads that measured punching force. This guy was so bad that even the local Russian crowd started cheering for Rocky. He also makes for a nice segue into the next entry.

Russians

In addition to being a badass with another movie’s bitch at his side, Ivan Drago was a Communist Russian. Now this is a category of bad guys that just can’t be used in current settings, but in the ‘80s before the Berlin Wall fell, they were everywhere. Clint stole the Firefox from them. Rambo sided with the Afghan rebels against them (now there’s some side switching that’s gone on there -- aren’t we hunting some of those same rebels these days?). The Wolverines defended Colorado against them in a classic match-up where the Russians parachute into the middle of our country and a rag-tag (but yet still amazingly photogenic) group of teens led by Patrick Swayze fight them off using guerilla tactics.

The Terminator

Speaking of bad guys that can’t be used anymore, not only has Arnold’s original Terminator gone from bad guy to good guy onscreen, it now seems that Arnie has a realistic chance at leading the world’s fifth largest economy.

John Kreese

The bad guy from the first two Karate Kid movies, any guy who can get a credit reading: “and returning as Kreese” must’ve established a character (or had a good agent). Every great hero needs a great villain to battle, and Kreese as the win-at-all-costs Sensei of the Cobra Kai more than fit the part for the Karate Kid. Lines such as “I want you to take him out,” “Sweep the leg,” and his windshield breaking performance in the prologue of the sequel firmly establish Kreese as one of the great one-dimensional heels of the ‘80s.

As two examples of the same type of ‘80s heel, we have Roy Stalin (Better off Dead) and the Alpha Beta frat (Revenge of the Nerds). They represent the ‘80s stereotype of the rich, good looking kids that our geeky protagonists will struggle against and ultimately overcome. They’re made out to be so cartoonishly bad that there is no possible way that the audience can do anything but root against them

Hans Gruber

The lead villain from the first Die Hard movie was coolly evil. Even if it turned out that he was just in it for the money, he was the man with the plan and he had the intriguing European accent to boot. He was capable of no mercy violence and can claim credit to one of the most bizarre overacting performances using a fake American accent to boot.

Darth Vader

Speaking of a guy who’s so bad that’s he cool, we have the man in black. Even though he got his debut in the ‘70s, he was still very much seen on the big screen in the ‘80s and he arguably the most iconic of the villains on this list. In his pre-‘80s debut, we were introduced to him as he came striding though the smoke of a hole that had just been cut in the ship he was taking over. Emerging from the smoke was this gigantic, all in black, caped figure with this ominous mask and the now instantly recognizable breathing machine sounds of Darth Vader. However, in the ‘80s, we saw him attempt to kill his son, which happened only after torturing junior’s friends in an attempt to draw him out of hiding. Along with those insidious actions, he freezes our hero (just as a test no less) and threatens to recruit his daughter for what we can hope was only to help rule the galaxy. The fact that he was redeemed in the end and that he gets his start in life as Jake Lloyd has done little to diminish his impact, which is a true testament of the power of the Dark Side and a lasting image of Darth Vader

Looking at reader feedback, zima wrote in with suggestions for the two most recent columns. First off, on the places to visit were the Titanic (but only in First Class), The Matrix, and the various locales to which Robert Rodriguez has treated us (Titty Twister, the town from the El Mariachi, and the Spy Kids world). There’s also the suggestion to club hop in the Vampire Bar in Blade, the Eastern European club in xXx (“Bitches, come”), the more sedate pub from Trainspotting, and the club from Bad Boys.. The key is that if we’re going to fantasize, we might as well go all the way and finish off that bar list in a single evening. These are all generally fun, but I have the feeling that I’m either older than zima or I at least think older than zima since while I can see the appeal in these locales, they’re just not really my scene. I have to admit that while there’s some appeal to meeting Kate Winslet’s Rose, I just don’t think it’s worth the overwhelming odds that I’d end up freezing to death at the end of the evening.

zima also pointed out that somewhere between thinking about the column and writing it, Dr. Strangelove disappeared from my end of the world list. Strangelove is an unforgivable omission from that list and I swear that I had it mind as the column took shape, but I’m simply an idiot and forgot it in the actual writing.

Belated thanks to Yan who was the reader that suggested the Quiet Earth in my previous column.