A Return to Glamour...wHATEver...

By Stephanie DeGateo

March 7, 2006

Even North Country was better than that dress.

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The theme of this year's Oscars was "A Return to Glamour". I'm not sure how the theme was actually incorporated into the evening's ceremony - were those interpretive dancers being felt up and dragged around a burning car supposed to be glamorous? If the ceremony itself was a bit lacking in follow-through towards its ostensible theme, perhaps the stars would fill the void. Alas, while no one looked truly, Cher-worthy bad, no one looked fantastically over-the-top gorgeous either.

And that, my dear readers, makes the fashion wrap-up column all the much harder. When there is little to snark about, what's the fun?. But, with a nod to Calvin Trager's new series running on the staff blog, The Hateable Five (seriously, check it out...Calvin's too funny and his lists are spot on), here are the bottom five of Oscar fashion.

5. Naomi Watts

Note to Naomi...someone as pale as you should not wear beige. Ever. And it wasn't just the color. The tatters on the gown made it looked like King Kong took a swipe at her on the way to the Kodak Theater. Next time, brighten up!

4. Reese Witherspoon

On the biggest night of her career, Reese was the belle of the ball. Too bad she picked a gown she could have easily worn to a ball. The Oscars call for glamour, not a dress that looks like it belongs in my daughter's Cinderella dress-up set.

3. Morgan Freeman

I know the man is cool. And he's had quite the year with the whole winning the Oscar; narrating an Oscar-winning documentary; DVD release of the Electric Company thing happening. Nonetheless, you wear a tie to the Oscars. Period. Freeman gets the obligatory male spot on the list over Larry McMurtry because, well, McMurtry seems a bit addled and he's an author and it doesn't seem like he cares what Hollywood thinks. Freeman may not care, but he is part of A-list Hollywood and on nights like the Oscar, you should act like it.




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2. Jennifer Garner

This entry pains me because I'm a big Jen fan. No one can look as adorable and as kick-ass at the same time. Usually her fashion sense is spot on, but not this time. Three months post-partum, she needed breast support from her dress. Her gown had NONE. I have to say, her breasts were just distracting. Now, one (one?) of my male BOP colleagues, I'm sure will say, "so...what's the problem with that?" The problem is they were too distracting, to the point that I almost didn't see her near fall walking to the podium. (But how cute was her quip: "I do my own stunts." Hee! See, I still love her!)

1. Charlize Theron

The color! The criss-crossy cut!! That BOW!!! Seriously, that bow needed its own seat it was so big. Bigger than her head. And speaking of her head, the upswept hairdo was much more '60s housewife than '60s sex symbol. All in all, a fashion disaster.


     


 
 

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