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#3) Horror Genre - Santa’s Slay (2005)

It only seems fair that after I recommend a children’s movie riddled with subliminal messages that encourage your children to fight back against bullying with vandalism and assault, that I maybe should recommend a horror movie that has a mixed message of its own. Some kids movies can make you squirm and some horror movies can make you laugh. Is that the intention of the perverse Hollywood producers (let’s not act like they’re above such atrocities) or have we become so numb after decades of loving movies that up becomes down, funny becomes stupid, enchanting becomes pediphilic, and the grotestesque murder of innocent civilians on Christmas becomes the laughing stock of the holiday season? Definitely the last one. Oh yes, definitely.

Within the first five minutes, you see Santa (WWE star Bill Goldberg) brutally murder Chris Kattan and bash Rebecca Gayheart’s head in. Seconds later, he sets Fran Drescher’s head on fire AND drowns her in a bowl of eggnog. To finish spending the entire budget on the first scene, we cap things off with James Caan (yes, James Caan) getting his face bashed in while deepthroating a turkey leg. You just can’t go wrong when entertainment’s “finest” come together in a direct-to-DVD horror movie that celebrates yuletide fear and cheer in equal measure. That’s not to say there isn’t a layer of depth; the film takes this opportunity to create a bit of mythology to Santa’s origin. As it would seem, Santa is Satan’s only son and he lost a bet that has him forced to spread Christmas joy, but now the bet is off. It also sends an important message: though the current scandal in Hollywood is scarier than any movie and there is no shortage of tragedy in the world, things can always be worse. You could be a D-list celebrity.

#4) Romantic Comedy Genre - Love, Actually (2003)

And just like things can always be worse, they can always be better. To help put a smile back on your face and a beat in your heart, you have the all-star ensemble Love, Actually. It’s not just any ensemble, either. It’s a BRITISH ensemble so you know the actors are all acclaimed, unless you look up the critical score. For some reason it’s only 63% positive which is totally bollocks (see what I did there?) because it’s an amazing movie. It’s about an intertwined group of friends and family that deal with love, loss, infidelity, CONSENSUAL office encounters, and kids doing the darndest things for their crush. With an A-list cast you can trust (Colin Firth, Keira Knightley, Laura Linney, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant, and still a bunch more) you know you’re in good hands, or at least hands you can watch for two hours without totally hating your life. There’s so much going on that breaks and rebuilds your heart that it’s impossible not to feel something major. It’s a crowd pleasing hit and the most heartwarming time you’ll have snuggled up on a couch by a fire with the one you love.

#5) Animated Genre - Rise of the Guardians (2012)

So there’s the original animated Grinch and a classic Charlie Brown Christmas on TV, but among the hidden gems of the animated world is a movie that treats holiday legends like superheros and teams them up like Avengers. In Guardians, we have a secret society of warriors (Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Sandman) that need the help of a new recruit (Jack Frost) to stop an old enemy (Pitch, as in pitch black). With movies like Justice League making mash-ups commonplace, the story seems simple and like something we’ve seen before. However, the gorgeous animation, dazzling action and clever story take the legends to a whole new level. It’s fun for the entire family and is the closest thing we might ever get to seeing a team-up movie featuring all the different cultures of the world. For now, we get a few of the gods from just one culture. Could you imagine my Greek god, Zeus, teaming up with Jesus, and then they go on an intergalactic road trip to gather troops like Buddha and Vishnu and Allah and Yoda and EVERYONE IS AT THE PARTY! What a great movie that could be. What a great world that would be. And, just think, what a great holiday party we’d all have together as one.

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