5 Ways to Comic Con: Part One
By George Rose
August 16, 2017
Here we are, folks. As of this latest version of the article, I am adding this new introduction to the original introduction while on the first day of my family vacation. Today is Thursday, August 11, 2017. Technically, Friday at 12:45 a.m. I’m a few tequilas deep. Things are about to get messy and, no, I don’t mean down at the Jersey Shore. I mean at the box office.
First up we have Annabelle 2, the sequel to the spin-off of the true-life ghost stories (sounds like something I’ve probably seen 1,000 times already now). Then we get Logan Lucky, the heist movie about cars or something from a beloved director (I thought I enjoyed that a few weeks ago when it was called Baby Driver). Then there’s Leap!, a French-Canadian animated film about a ballerina in Paris (insert Terrance and Phillip fart sound here). Then we get Unlocked, the CIA blah blah blah starring Noomi Rapace, Toni Collete, Orlando Bloom and John Malkovich (I’m sure most of you don’t remember half of those people). Then we finally get hope on September 8th with It, the not-campy horror version of the classic Stephen King scary story.
That’s right, summer is over. Dead and done. August is basically the new Hollywood dumping ground. Not the gold-plated toilet that Donald Trump gets to poop on. I mean the brutally abused tourist shit factory that are the Seaside, NJ port-a-potties. So, since I am starting my three-day family vacation and have nothing to look forward to at the movies for the next month, I am taking you on a 5 Ways To Prep vacation and am officially unveiling the ALL NEW, semi-sexual, I mean bi-annual, I mean probably less often than you think but more often than you’d like... FIVE… WAYS… TO… COMIC CON!!! Sit back, relax and get ready to experience a five-part story told over the course of the next month about superheroes, love, heartbreak, heroism, embarrassment and sexual harassment. Definitely sexual harassment.
The following article was originally written on June 6, 2017 and is rated R. These next five articles are not suitable for children or for the faint of heart. Or virgins. And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the first of five feature presentations. Enjoy!
“COMIC CON!!!” That’s all I said for the week prior to the big event in Philadelphia on June 1st and that’s all I would go on to say for several days after. Comic Con (aka a Comic Book Convention) is basically a super nerdy Christmas where people of all ages, races and genders can congregate together to worship our one common god-like entity, Pop Culture. Comic books are the one true leader of the pack, with demi-gods such as comic book-related movies, television shows and graphic novels being the offspring of the divine source material. We come, we pray, we worship and we shop like crazy mother fudgers (no, that’s not a typo). People buy for others and themselves alike, purchasing everything they want and seldom things they actually need. But isn’t that what Christmas is all about?