A-List: Cartoons We Wish Were Live Action

By J. Don Birnam

May 26, 2016

I don't think all of those are bears.

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3. Pinocchio

I'm aware that there have been rumors of a Pinocchio live action turn but, since they are currently only rumors, I've decided to place it on the wish list.

This one is here because of the advanced degree of difficulty and the awesome potential for special effects and trappings. The scene inside the whale? Pinocchio and friends turning into donkeys in the carnival? Stromboli?! I mean who would play such a deliciously evil character - Jim Broadbent?

Also worth imagining are the twists on the tale, of course. Just like Maleficent and Cinderella gave us new spins on the motivations for the evil characters, so, too, could Pinocchio be creative about it. Did Stromboli lose a kid in his youth? Did a woodmaker screw him over somehow? Does Pinocchio really want to become a real boy?

The possibilities are all but wooden for this one.




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2. The Little Mermaid

Again, I'm aware that there are rumors that a movie along these lines is in the making, but the advanced degree of difficulty, the desirability of the movie, and the thinness of the rumors compel me to put this in second place.

The Little Mermaid is, to start, among my favorite ever Disney cartoons. It is arguably the one that rescued the brand from the verge of death, with its now iconic Jamaican crab singing to a fun beat Under the Sea. The challenge in the real life version, of course, will be to repeat some of that charisma without simply just copying the songs full throttle. It will be interesting to see how Beauty and the Beast deals with that problem, actually.

Once you get past the problem of the songs, you still have the challenge of the beneath the ocean scenes. CGI for some of the sea animals is one thing, and Ursula's tentacles seem like an easy thing to animate. But, to have human-looking figures speaking under water - I'm not sure I can imagine how they will achieve that without making the movie look like it is just a Pixar-like cartoon.

As for the twist, could it be that Ursula was good? She does make an oblique reference in the movie to the days she lived in Triton's palace - perhaps a back story there could help tease out the character's motivations. Was she betrayed by Triton? His first love? Ariel's real mother?! The possibilities are endless, and they certainly would revolve around the better characters - i.e., the villains - than the boring prince of the movie, for example.

1. Archie

I'll say this bluntly-this is more of a rant than a commentary. They've made every single other comic book - from Richie to Spider-Man - a damn live action movie. Aren't Archie and pals the most lovable of them all? The story is there for the taking - teenage angst and a love triangle between Betty (Kristen Bell) and Veronica (Anne Hathaway?). I'd cast Jessica Chastain as Archie, but I guess she's not gender appropriate.

But you have Jughead, Reggie, and Archie's father (J.K. Simmons), at the very least, as compelling characters. The temptation to resist would be to make this a teen angst movie instead of what it really should be - a lighthearted comedy with a tad of intrigue and backstabbing. You'd need a comedian more than a rom-com writer to be behind this.

And, like with the other choices on this list, the sequels are there before we begin (not to mention the prequels revolving around the childhoods of these wily teenagers). In the sequel, Archie's marriage to one of the girls founders, and he marries the other. Spinoffs about these characters would also be spawned, as they did in the comic book world. Sure, it may not bring in the millions of dollars of tickets of an icon like Batman, but I bet you that Riverdale would bring in more moolah than whatever executive that has nixed this idea has imagined.


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