This Month, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for September 2015

By Curt David

September 3, 2014

I'm sorry, but Mortdecai really was just terrible.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the past six years, I have compared the new releases for each weekend and told you which movie was the best bet to watch. This month I am going to attempt to compare the new releases for the entire month of September and rank them in the order you should watch them. What could go wrong? (well, a movie could change its release date after this column was written, a BOP reader could go through withdrawal by only getting one column from me this month, etc.)

For the month of September 2015, the new movies in wide release are as follows:

September 4:
The Transporter Refueled
A Walk in the Woods

September 11:
90 Minutes in Heaven
Perfect Guy
The Visit

September 18:
Black Mass
Captive
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

September 24:
Before I Wake
The Green Inferno
Hotel Transylvania 2
The Intern

I predict a movie’s watchability by 7 criteria. For each criterion, I am going to rank these movies from the best to the worst. Then, I’ll calculate the best movies to watch this month at the end of the column.



CLEAREST TITLE (Is the title recognizable or unique enough to make me watch the movie)
1- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - This sounds like a Maze Runner sequel!
2- The Transporter Refueled - This sounds like a Transporter sequel!
3- Hotel Transylvania 2 - This sounds like a Transylvania sequel!
4- 90 Minutes in Heaven - Haven’t heard of it, but that sounds impressive
5- The Green Inferno - Haven’t heard of it, but that sounds impressive and colorful
6- The Perfect Guy - Is someone making a movie about me?
7- A Walk in the Woods - That sounds adorable
8- Before I Wake- Sounds slightly creepy.
9- Black Mass - Also sounds creepy
10- Captive - Sounds dangerous
11- The Visit - Lame Title.
12- The Intern - Horribly lame title.


BEST GENRE & RATING (elevated status if you are the only genre or rating for the entire month)
1- Hotel Transylvania 2 - (Animation, PG)
2- Black Mass - (Crime Drama, R)
2- 90 Minutes in Heaven - (Drama, PG-13)
3- A Walk in the Woods - (Comedy, R)
3- The Intern - (Comedy, PG-13)
4- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - (Action/Adventure, PG-13)
4- The Transporter Refueled - (Action, PG-13)
5- The Green Inferno - (Horror, R)
6- Captive - (Thriller, PG-13)
6- The Perfect Guy - (Thriller, PG-13)
6- The Visit - (Horror,PG-13)
6- Before I Wake - (Horror, PG-13)

BEST PLOT (in ten syllables)
1- Before I Wake - Whatever kid dreams comes true. Nightmares kill.
2- Hotel Transylvania 2 - Dracula teaches son to be scary
3- The Visit - Sweet grandparents are evil. Kids visit.
4- A Walk in the Woods - Two old guys walk Appalachian Trail. Ha!
5- 90 Minutes in Heaven - Man dies. Sees heaven. Comes back. True story.
5- Captive - Girl kidnapped. Tells about God. True story.
6- The Green Inferno - Team goes to rainforest. Horror happens.
7- Black Mass - Gangster does whatever. Cause Bro’s FBI.
8- The Intern - Old guy interns for young girl. Cute lil’ film.
9- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - Teenagers run from bad guys, many times.
10- The Transporter Refueled - Super good fighter takes down the bad guys.
11- The Perfect Guy - Woman dates abusive man. Will she live?

BEST TRAILER (Higher rankings if your trailer makes me care about the movie and want to watch it! So comedies, be funny. Horror movies, be scary. Action movies, don’t be lame.)

1- Captive - (Thriller, PG-13)
2- A Walk in the Woods - (Comedy, R)
3- Black Mass - (Crime Drama, R)
4- The Visit - (Horror,PG-13)
5- Before I Wake - (Horror, PG-13)
6- 90 Minutes in Heaven - (Drama, PG-13)
7- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - (Action/Adventure, PG-13)
8- The Transporter Refueled - (Action, PG-13)
9- The Green Inferno - (Horror, R)
10- The Intern - (Comedy, PG-13)
11- Hotel Transylvania 2 - (Animation, PG)
12- The Perfect Guy - (Thriller, PG-13)


COOLEST LEAD ACTOR
1- The Intern - (Robert De Niro from The Godfather Part II)
2- Black Mass - (Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean)
3- A Walk in the Woods - (Robert Redford from Out of Africa)
4- Hotel Transylvania 2 - (The voice of Adam Sandler)
5- The Perfect Guy - (Michael Ealy from Think Like a Man)
6- Captive - (Kate Mara from Fantastic Four)
7- 90 Minutes in Heaven - (Kate Bosworth from Superman Returns)
7- Before I Wake - (Kate Bosworth from Superman Returns)
8- The Visit - (Kathryn Hahn from We’re the Millers)
9- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - (Dylan O’Brien from Teen Wolf)
10- The Transporter Refueled - (Ed Skrein from this movie)
10- The Green Inferno - (I didn’t recognize the actors yet)



BEST CAST
1- Black Mass - (Joel Edgerton, Benedict Cumberbatch, Kevin Bacon, Dakota Johnson, and more!)
2- A Walk in the Woods - (Nick Nolte, Emma Thompson, Mary Steenburgen, and Nick Offerman)
3- Hotel Transylvania 2 - (The voices of Selena Gomez, Kevin James, Dana Carvey, and 1,000 more famous people’s voices)
4- The Intern - (Anne Hathaway, Renee Russo, and Adam DeVine)
5- Captive - (David Oyelowo, Michael K. Williams)
6- The Perfect Guy - (Sanaa Lathan, Rutina Wesley, and Morris Chestnut)
7- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - (Patricia Clarkson, Thomas Brodie-Sangster)
8- 90 Minutes in Heaven - (Hayden Christensen, Michael W. Smith)
9- Before I Wake - (Annabeth Gish, Thomas Jane)
10- The Transporter Refueled - (Ray Stevenson)
11- The Visit - (I didn’t recognize the actors yet)
11- The Green Inferno - (I didn’t recognize the actors yet)



BEST STREET CRED (what else has the director directed)
1- The Green Inferno - (Eli Roth, Cabin Fever)
2- The Visit - (M. Night Shyamalan, The Sixth Sense)
3- The Intern - (Nancy Meyers, The Holiday)
4- Black Mass - (Scott Cooper, Crazy Heart)
4- A Walk in the Woods - (Ken Kwapis, He’s Just Not That Into You)
4- Captive - (Jerry Jameson, thousands of TV episodes)
5- 90 Minutes in Heaven - (Michael Polish, The Astronaut Farmer)
6- Before I Wake - (Mike Flanagan, Oculus)
6- The Perfect Guy - (David M. Rosenthal, Janie Jones)
7- The Transporter Refueled - (Camille Delamarre, Brick Mansions)
7- Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials - (Wes Ball, The Maze Runner)
7- Hotel Transylvania 2 - (Genndy Tartakovsky, Hotel Transylvania)


The Results: I’ll list the points each movie received in each of the 7 rounds. Like golf, the lowest total score will show the best movie to watch this month.





TitleGenrePlotTrailerActorCastCredTotal
A Walk in the Woods734232426
Black Mass927321428
Hotel Transylvania3211143731
90 Minutes in Heaven425678537
Captive1065165437
The Intern12381014341
Before I Wake861579642
The Visit11634810244
Maze Runner149797744
Green Inferno55691010146
Transporter241081010751
Perfect Guy66111256652




You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are a fan of horror films, feel free to watch The Visit, Green Inferno, Perfect Guy, or Before I Wake. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: If you are going to see one new movie in the theaters this August, you should go and see A Walk in the Woods.
Conclusion 2: If you are made of money and can see more than one movie, feel free to check out Black Mass or Hotel Transylvania 2.
Conclusion 3: Then there seem to be two faith-based films tied for fourth: Captive and 90 Minutes in Heaven. Captive has Oscar-worthy actors in a thriller-esque plot- so you may want to check that one out. Also, The Visit, while ranked eighth, might be the best or the worst movie ever made.
Conclusion 4: The gold star for the movie with the best tagline this month goes to The Green Inferno’s “Fear will eat you alive.”
Conclusion 5: For August’s column, I suggested out of the 12 movies that were released for you to watch Straight Outta Compton, Ricki and the Flash, and American Ultra. I stand by those choices.




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