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Hello, good people!! My name is Jim Van Nest. David and Kim are tied up in my basement so I can give you my spin on the finale of Survivor: San Juan Del Sur! I'll be your guide through the first hour of the finale because, honestly, that's about as much of Missy and Baylor as I'll be able to take before I want to throw my laptop out the window! Also, David should be able to chew through the ropes in time to bring you the second hour and the reveal of the worst winner in Survivor history.

You probably already noticed that I have a bit of disdain for this season, this cast and the choices for Sole Survivor of Survivor: Season 29. Well, it's because this season will go down as one of the worst ever. There's been very little of note in this season. I mean, come on. Let's break it down. We stunt casted one of the most notorious professional athletes we could find (OJ being in prison and all) and we also crossed over one of the most disliked teams in the history of our other reality juggernaut, The Amazing Race. Who'd-a-thunk that John Rocker's inclusion would backfire?? I mean, we got three episodes out of him before he had a mini-meltdown and threatened to punch a girl. His inclusion also got us a nice "one night of rain makes me cry" quit from his girlfriend. The Blood vs Water concept, while really solid with returning players, is a complete bust with newbies. Let's face it, Josh and Reed aside; we had half the cast made up of fans and the other half made up of family members they drug out into the jungle. Again, who'd-a-thunk that this concept would backfire???

What we've been subjected to is a virtual clinic on how NOT to play Survivor and how to not even be interesting. When we're on the final episode and I've finally chosen a Twinnie as the person I'm rooting for, you KNOW it's been a horrendous experiment. Before we get to the recap, I want to offer some suggestions on how NOT to have another suck-ass season like this one.

1. If a tribe loses their flint, tell them to find some sticks. If a tribe eats all their food, tell them to find some coconuts. Do not barter with these people. It kills two of the most basic ideas behind the show. Survival and fair play. One tribe decimated their supplies and dominated the game. And in response to this...you GAVE. THEM. MORE. FOOD! And for what, some comfort items? Where is the fairness in that? Another tribe acted responsibly and made plans to last for 39 days on their beach and as their reward, they lost every single challenge and then watched you give more food to the people beating them. At the very least, if a tribe wants more food, the answer moving forward should be, "You want more rice? Then we're having Tribal Council right now. I'm trading rice for one of your members." Nothing less should be acceptable on a game predicated on effing survival!

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