This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for July 25-27, 2014

By Curt David

July 25, 2014

Luna Lovegood has the superior lion hat.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Bulletproof Monk), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Rachel Nichols in Conan the Barbarian), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 94%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of July 18th, new movies in wide release are And So It Goes, Hercules, and Lucy.








And So It Goes HerculesLucyWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleSounds like Something’s Gotta Give or As Good as it GetsSounds like a Hercules movieWho’s Lucy?Hercules gets the first point.
Best Genre
and Rating
Comedy
Rated PG-13 for some sexual references and drug elements
Fantasy Action
Rated PG-13 for epic battle sequences, violence, suggestive comments, brief strong language and partial nudity
Sci-Fi Action
Rated R for strong violence, disturbing images, and sexuality
Two action films and two PG-13 films. Meh. 1/3 point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Meanest guy ever
Has to watch his granddaughter
And go on a date
The son of a god
Has to protect the people
By fighting monsters
Girl gets on some drugs
Can use all her brain power
Can do crazy sh*t
Hercules and Lucy seem to have more interesting plots. 1/2 point each.
Best TrailerPROS: Two of the best actors ever
CONS: I didn’t laugh at all
PROS: Lots of intense action
CONS: Perhaps none if you want to watch Hercules give The People’s Elbow to a hydra
PROS: The premise is good, and Scarlett looks good in an action movie
CONS: Can’t tell yet
Also, Hercules and Lucy seem to have better trailers. 1/2 point each.
Coolest Lead ActorMichael Douglas from Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, and The American PresidentDwayne Johnson from G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Fast & Furious 6, and the WWE.Scarlett Johansson from The Avengers, The Prestige, and Lost in Translation.Solid actors all around. 1/3 point each.
Best CastDiane Keaton from the Godfather trilogy. Joseph Fiennes from Shakespeare in Love. Morgan Freeman from The Shawshank Redemption. Diane Keaton automatically wins anything. Point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Rob Reiner also directed The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, and The American President. Director Brett Ratner also directed the Rush Hour trilogy and X-Men: The Last Stand. Writer and Director Luc Besson also wrote and directed The Fifth Element and wrote Taken. Impressive directors. 1/3 point each.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Hercules scores 3 points, Lucy scores 2 points (and a gold star), and And So It Goes scores 2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you wish Black Widow had her own movie, feel free to watch Lucy in the meantime. . However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Hercules is the best movie to watch this weekend. (Lucy looks good, too.)
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Lucy’s “The average person uses 10% of their brain capacity. Imagine what she could do with 100%” wins the gold star.
Conclusion 3: Week 3 of my Calvins campaign. (More info on BOP’s yearly awards click here: Calvin Awards) Dear BOP staff, Andy Serkis was runner-up Best Supporting Actor in 2003 for Gollum, fifth place Best Supporting Actor for Gollum in 2004, and eighth place Best Actor in 2012 for Caesar. I’m just saying, maybe a little first place Best Actor action in 2014 for his role as Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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