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Frequent Top Chef guest David Chang appears to discuss the process of opening a restaurant. The guest judge for the episode relays a parcel of wisdom that proves prophetic. “Don’t plan about things that can go right. Plan on everything that can go wrong.” I wonder if these words reverberate in the heads of the chefs when the teams are randomly decided.

On paper, Restaurant Wars is a mismatch. Nina, Shirley, Carlos, Justin and Sara comprise one group while their opponents are Nick, Carrie, Brian, Travis and Stephanie. If Vegas were laying odds on this fight, Nick’s team would have roughly the same odds of winning as Middle Idaho State Tech would if they played Duke in basketball. And there is no Middle Idaho State Tech.

Nick is aware of the formidable challenge. His teammates can claim a grand total of two wins among five players. Nina has more wins than that on her own. Carlos, Shirley and Justin have all won challenges as well. The only way this battle could be a bigger mismatch is if Tom Colicchio joins Team Nina. Even then, I would still probably call them Team Nina. Poor Nick’s team doesn’t have a chance.

But wait!

Sparks fly almost immediately. As Carlos impotently watches the confusing behavior of his teammates, Sara and Justin spend an inordinate amount of time debating design issues. Yes, the group settles upon American cuisine as their focus. Everything they mention after that is maddening. Sara wants “wrought iron accents” while Justin suggests “big glass lanterns with candles.” Sara stresses that sexy is the key to the design. Sara also assumes that Sara is the arbiter in charge.

Carlos meekly introduces the idea that maybe, just maybe they should talk about the menu. Dictator for life (or at least dinner) Sara dismisses the notion. Look, I cannot craft a pan of edible lasagna but I do know enough about Restaurant Wars to appreciate that the food is the determining factor in success or failure. They probably should, you know, talk about the menu.

The Purple Team (aka Team Nick) is the polar opposite. This group has never heard the maxim about too many chefs in the kitchen. They operate as a single unit. Every idea presented is innocent until proven guilty, a refreshing change from Sara’s despotic regime of tyrannical (but sexy) restaurant design. Seafood is chosen as the Purple protein. Travis volunteers for Front of the House and Nick becomes the executive chef of Team Purple-Nick.

Sara volunteers herself for Front of the House while staring down anyone who would defy her regime as Almighty Queen of the Green Team. Justin offers to be executive chef, which causes Sara to set the tone for the entire episode. She casually mentions that Justin will have a target on his back. She is 100% correct. Based on Top Chef history, the four players most likely to win/lose Restaurant Wars are Travis, Nick, Sara and Justin. Stepping up during this particular competition is a bold decision, but it is fraught with peril as well.

The first issue occurs with the Green Team when they start to buy plates. Carlos has a puzzled look. He inquires about whether his teammates intend to create a soup. This tidbit is one they would know if they had maybe planned a menu. At this moment, the light bulb sparks for Justin. “I have no idea what you’re making.” That’s really more Carlos’ point, dude. While you were talking about candles, Carlos would have liked to plot the soup of the day. One of them will provide light and fragrance to the restaurant. The other will determine the fate of their team at Judges Table. Oddly, the quintet of highly accomplished chefs chose to obsess upon light and fragrance. They are not off to a good start.

At least they can correct their mistake now, right? Nope. Justin shuts Carlos down by adding, “We haven’t even discussed it yet. We’re not discussing right now. So drop it and go back to plates.” A dejected Carlos sits down and cedes to Justin’s alpha behavior. Just when the situation seems to have reached the logical conclusion of rock bottom, it gets worse. After all the focus on the equipment, the Green Team buys the wrong plates. They need flat plates but they get curved ones instead. The editing of this segment is so brutal that I would imagine it was painful for them to watch as the episode was broadcast. What we quickly learn is that there is a huge difference between being a master chef and a restaurateur.

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