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We open with 10 pairs of castaways being dropped off by jeep or boat in ten separate locations. Ten returning players, each dragging along someone important from their lives so they can extend their 15 minutes of fame for a few seconds longer. It doesn’t make for riveting footage, as Probst voice-overs that these poor chumps don’t know they will be competing against each other.

There’s Gervase from the first season and his niece Marissa, who was nine when Gervase first appeared on our screens. Gervase, “the O.G.” still thinks he can win; Marissa thinks that’s “cute”.

Probst claims that “Kat’s instability lost her the game,” when really it was more about her being a doofus. And she is playing with her boyfriend Hayden, who won Big Brother. Hayden claims that this makes him more prepared coming into the game than anyone who hasn’t already played Survivor. So 11th-most prepared. That’s great, Hayden. Kat seems annoyed that this Big Brother guy she invited is here and claims that “this is my game.”

Laura doesn’t say anything interesting. No wonder I didn’t remember her from Samoa. She’s bringing along her daughter Ciera, who for me, has a strong resemblance to Daisy from Downton Abbey.

Alleged “fan favorite” and probable member of House Hufflepuff Rupert has spent 100 days playing Survivor but has never made it to the end. “I am returning to Survivor for my fourth time,” he says grandiosely. “It’s always been... Rupert, Rupert, Rupert!” laments his wife Laura. Is she talking about Survivor or real life?

Colton made some “controversial statements” and was medevac’d out of his last season with a “mysterious ailment and few fans.” Is Probst saying that Colton did not really have appendicitis? Colton says he wants to show a different side of himself, but since he’s wearing a sweater tied around his neck over a pink polo, he’s not trying very hard. Colton is playing with his fiancé Caleb, who may “provide Colton with the maturity he needs.”

Candice and John, both doctors, talk about how they’ll be targeted and seen as a threat. Pity the beautiful, athletic doctors!

Monica has a “famous husband,” former NFL player Brad, but now she is reveling that here she is the “wily veteran” and she can tell her husband what to do. Brad says he is the “young rookie,” which doesn’t align with his personality.

Tina, winner of Survivor: Australia, describes her family as competitive. Her whole family? And she brought along the most competitive one – her daughter Katie, who would love to beat her mother at “her own game.”

Tyson, according to Probst’s voiceover, is “seeking redemption” from his last gameplay boner on Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. He says that the loved ones won’t be prepared and he will be able to slit their throats. Then he demonstrates this by piggy-backing his girlfriend Rachel off the boat so her feet don’t get wet.

Aras, the “likeable winner of Survivor: Exile Island” is back with his brother Vytas, who has “a much darker past.” Vytas talks about how he was a heroin addict and spent a year in LA County jail. Aras talks about how abusive Vytas was towards him when they were younger, and that means Aras kept finding things to beat him at. He continues that his going on Survivor didn’t make Vytas envious, but winning it sure did.

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