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This season, the “fans” are called the Bikal tribe and will be wearing orange buffs, while the “favorites” are the Gota tribe and will be wearing purple. But I’ll just call them “fans” and “favorites” because that’s what everyone else will be calling them. Not even Probst bothered to tell the castaways their tribe names.

And it’s challenge time already! Before they have even gotten off the beach.

Probst explains the challenge. An area of water has been roped off to make a playing field with two poles – one for each tribe – at the near end , and a ring at the far end. Two people from each tribe will go on to the field, grab the ring and essentially wrestle over it. If you’re holding the ring and touching your tribe’s pole, you win a point for your tribe. First tribe to four points wins reward of flint and beans, and there’ll be lots of opportunities for Probst to say “hand on pole” along the way. Brandon asks if he can tackle someone. He wants to, “really hard.”

The first round has Julia the race-car driver and Shamar the enormous Marine against Dawn and Erik the scrawny ice cream scooper. So no surprises about who will win this. Erik sprints to the ring, followed by Shamar, and then when he gets it he throws it straight to Dawn. Since Shamar is built like a rhino and covered with lots of scary-looking tattoos, that’s what I’d do too. But as Julia and Dawn scramble over the ring, Shamar goes to grab it. Erik makes the most ineffectual tackle ever, which Shamar ignores and the “fans” win the first point.

Next round is Hope aka Miss Missouri USA and Eddie the firefighter against Brandon and Andrea. Since his last season, Brandon has added to his collection of butt-ugly tattoos. Hey, one of them’s a Confederate flag. Not completely unexpected. “Andrea and Hope going at it” is the commentary highlight, but it ends with Brandon seemingly dragging the ring and everyone holding onto it past the orange pole and beyond so that Andrea can get her hand on the purple pole. “Favorites, baby!” Brandon punches his chest.

Round 3 is Phillip, resplendent in his pink Y-fronts, and Brenda against probable face-lift victim Sherri and glasses-wearing Michael. “Sherri and Brenda tied up!” “Break her wrist!” calls out Shamar, and Probst has to break off his commentary to say “What!?” “Like, break her hold,” explains Shamar lamely. It ends with Michael grabbing the ring and Phillip grabbing Michael’s leg and dragging him and everyone else over to the “favorites” pole. Outwitted by Phillip. Michael is not off to a strong start.

Now it’s Cochran and Francesca against inter-changeable blonde #2 Laura and Matt the BMX salesman with the interesting beard. It can’t help Cochran’s ego when he is told by his tribe to take on Laura, but he’s probably relieved as well. “Are you taking me, Cochran? Think you can handle me?” trash talks Laura. “You wouldn’t believe what I can handle,” says Cochran. Of the three inter-changeable blondes, Laura is my favorite so far. Matt is tackled by Francesca and everyone gets in on it. It ends up with everyone having a hand on the ring close to both poles, and the winner will be the one who drags it to their end. The “favorites” are very close... and they actually win their third point! With Cochran!

The fifth and potentially last round is Malcolm the Probst man-crush and Corinne the mean girl against Reynold the salesman and (after reviewing the tape) Allie the bartender. Too many blondes on the “fans” tribe. This is the scrambliest of the lot as Malcolm and Reynold both sprint to the ring in an early competition for Probst’s heart. Reynold gets their first, and tries to throw the ring to Allie, but Malcolm Secret Service-dives to take the ring on the chest and then everyone tussles over it. Reynold is pulling at Malcolm and “Malcolm losing his shorts!” Probst ejaculates. Everyone else is laughing. Way to make a first impression with your tribe, Malcolm.

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