Top Chef: Seattle Recap

By David Mumpower

February 5, 2013

Can I bum a cigarette? How about some used panties?

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“They’re freezing upstairs and I think, you know, Padma should have something warm in her mouth.” – Stefan, demonstrating exactly why Padma cannot wait for him to be gone. Apparently, you can sexually harass a person when they’re not even in the room. Who knew?

None of the chefs is enthusiastic about their performance during the challenge. They had all grown accustomed to the Top Chef Kitchen. The new working environment is exponentially larger. There is no familiarity with any of the equipment, as Lizzie had noted. Even the trip to the serving area is a pain in the ass. Stefan sardonically notes that he had to walk for 12 minutes to get there. That’s like a mile and a half if he is not exaggerating.

Curtis Stone has quickly developed a reputation on Top Chef Masters as a very nice man and that perception holds as he evaluates the five dishes. He goes out of his way to compliment something about every bite. Padma largely goes along with him although she points out that Brooke violated the “one bite” premise of the challenge. Stone acknowledges that the same is true of Lizzie, reducing the field to one of the men.

Eventually, Sheldon is declared the winner for what was the most disgusting looking plate of food. He served a Vietnamese lettuce wrap with pork, shrimp & pickled iceberg hearts. It was probably just an illusion of the eye but I thought at one point that the shrimp moved. I was debating eight or nine jokes about the dish right up until Stone declared that Sheldon had won so those would seem out of place now. Sheldon’s “prize” is the ability to pick the best ingredients for the Elimination challenge. Personally, I’d rather have $5,000 or a car.

Before the challenge begins, the chefs are afforded a rare opportunity to hang out, enjoying some downtime on the cruise ship. The first stop is a manicure. This is a novel experience for Sheldon while Lizzie is thrilled to discover that the technician is a fellow South African. The tenor of the conversation is dramatically altered when Lizzie announces that her father recently died. There are a lot of Top Chef contestants fretting over the health of their families this season.




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While Lizzie and Sheldon are pampered, Brooke, Stefan and Joshua sit outside and drink. Joshua cracks me up by stating, “Where I come from, men don’t get manicures.” I’m with you, brother. Alas, the humor of the moment is undone by Stefan’s usage of the words “kinky manicure.” I’m guessing that Stefan has some fetishes that even the darkest recesses of the internet consider unbecoming.

The next segment of Top Chef is what James Bond fans would recognize as the Obvious Trap. The participants are invited to dine at QSine, an avant-garde restaurant that features upside down lamps and the world’s quirkiest plating of dishes. The menu is an iPad with an app specifically for the purpose of ordering meals, which seems a lot more decadent now than it will in about five years. Using 250 iPads for orders instead of the waiters who are still serving the customers anyway is an odd financial expenditure.

Joshua and Brooke continue their televised flirtation. She comments on the upside down lamps. Josh notes that he and Sheldon had discussed themseveral moments ago. Brooke replies that it must have happened “when I totally stopped listening to you.” Josh (cleverly) replies that she should “keep on not listening to me…fried chicken.” Brooke counters by asking how many challenges he has won. And then the whole situation turns into a group tea-bagging as Stefan tries to pile on.

The odd part is that Brooke really seems to like Josh, an ugly but charismatic man. Yes, they are both happily married and nothing is going to happen yet Brooke has drunk enough that her eyes reveal her (temporary) attraction. The worst aspect is that this isn’t even the strangest flirtation of the season. Kristen and Stefan locked up that trophy several episodes ago. Note to single male chefs: go on Top Chef. You can punch way, way, waaaaaaay above your weight class with the lonely women of the cast.


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