Top Chef: Seattle Recap

By David Mumpower

February 5, 2013

Can I bum a cigarette? How about some used panties?

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This week’s episode gets right to the fireworks factory. Padma and Tom Colicchio enter the stew room for Judges Table. They announce to the remaining quintet of players that their next destination is a cruise ship. The players will be sailing to Alaska, which is glorious news to everyone except Brooke. On the heels of last week’s fried chicken struggles, she now has to get on a boat, something she clearly loathes.

The cheftestants return to their former home and begin to pack for the trip. While sharing a bottle of wine, they identify their favorite moments from the season. The Berry Farm and the oyster picking are provided as answers. At this point, a bit of Stefan’s back story is revealed. He served in the military! His mother told him that they were vacationing in Finland. The “vacation” turned out to be a year of driving tanks and cooking, so he owes his mother for his vocation. Also, he got to drive a tank, which is every man’s not-so-secret dream. Stefan has a good mother.

Then again, all of the great parenting in the world isn’t good enough to prevent a child from being creepy. The five participants are shown in their first few moments on the cruise ship Infinity. They immediately become cliché tourists straight down to drinking fruity beverages with umbrellas. At this point, Stefan starts dancing with Brooke, shamelessly watching her rack giggle. After a couple of moments, Brooke exclaims, “You’re too close!” This is what adult women say in lieu of “STRANGER DANGER!!!” Kristen may be gone from the show but Stefan is still capable of being maced at any moment.




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Top Chef Masters host Curtis Stone joins Padma in the “enormous” kitchen. Seriously, nobody thinks about how much food preparation has to be performed for a cruise until they see kitchen and storage areas. On the minuscule chance that there is a zombie apocalypse, I suggest holing up on a cruise ship. Even if you run out of gas in the ocean, you would have enough food to survive for a couple of years. That is plenty of time for the new zombie overlords to establish their regime and determine your place in it, assuming said place is not on the dinner table with an apple in your mouth. These are the things I think about while I’m writing reality show recaps.

The Quickfire challenge requires the five players to create the Welcome Aboard menu for the arriving guests. This brutal challenge demands that the chefs craft iceberg lettuce-based single bites of food for 200 guests in two hours. This feels like a Dinner: Impossible challenge rather than a Top Chef Quickfire. Stefan mocks Josh’s confusion over the dish, highlighting the “iceberg” joke for the cruise. Personally, I give Josh the benefit of doubt about expecting better of Top Chef’s producers than a subpar Titanic reference.

While Josh ponders icebergs, Lizzie complains about the equipment. This kitchen is designed to withstand stormy weather on rough seas. There are no flames; electric heat is used instead. Also, all of the ovens and whatnot have special locks to prevent them from flying open during a perfect storm. Since I’ve seen that movie and watched the ship flip upside down, I doubt that baked goods would be the primary concern at such a moment. The counterpoint is that I do see the rationale that if you are about to drown at sea, you may want a cupcake just before being released from the mortal coil.


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