Survivor Philippines: Finale Pt 2

Million Dollar Question

By Ben Willoughby

December 18, 2012

I won Survivor *and* I can help you with your problems in the bedroom!

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To Michael: “Do you even care that I would write your name down or not?” It would be kind of cool if Michael said “no,” but Michael thinks he deserves Abi’s vote. Abi gives her most confused look of the season. Outwit, outplay, outlast, Michael did it! Abi says that one of the “core values of the game is not out-disrespect”. I agree, and obviously Abi turning disrespect into a competition is a big reason why Abi’s sitting on the jury. Just imagine, if she were just a little more respectful, she would be in the final three.

To Denise: “You made it clear that you do not respect my game, that I was the most unlikable person”. Denise makes a quasi-apology about “Hindsight being 20/20, and while there were sentiments that she still stands behind, there may have been a different way to handle it.” In other words, if only I had kept my mouth shut about what a royal pain Abi was, but it was just so frustrating! Denise apologizes if the sentiments she said caused actual trauma, but their “philosophies and strategies do not match.”

Now it’s Jonathan’s turn, and he puts on the biggest, bitterest performance of all. I’ll skip the intro about how painful it is for him and everyone to see everyone sitting there. “Denise...the one thing you were concerned about is that you did not want to be seen as a b[-word that is not bastard]. Rest assured that you have shown the world that side.” Big eyes from Denise, but she keeps quiet.

To Michael: “I don’t think your name has been written down one time in this entire game. I had the proud distinction of having my name written down I believe 15 times, which may be a record.” On reflection, Philip Shepherd has more, but he goes on. “I know you’re sitting here saying there’s this big target on your back, but however you scrambled and dissembled, back-stabbed and flip-flopped, you were able to avoid having your name written down even once. You may have a perfect record even after tonight.” What next? Will Jonathan say what a great audience the jury is, and they should try the veal?




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To Lisa: “My friend. We got close out here. Would you like to share with everybody, or will I?” Lisa says either one, she doesn’t mind. Not sure what her strategy is here. Maybe she thought giving Jonathan more opportunity to perform would win his vote?

Jonathan continues. “Lisa was a television star. She spent nine years on the television program The Facts of Life. From the age of 12 to the age of 21, she was America’s sweetheart. You guys deserve to know that before you vote or don’t vote for her. She has kept that from all of you, and I have kept her secret until now.” Everyone is shocked. Monocles would be rolling on the floor if they had them.

Lisa asks if Jonathan or anyone else shared what they did as a teenager, and Jonathan’s response is basically sneaking cigarettes behind the gym and listening to Rush albums would not affect the outcome of the game.

Anyway, Jonathan’s not done yet. He says, “I think that one of you has ridden the other two in here, like oxen. You have been yoked to a cart and have been ridden in and now you will be led to the slaughter. And you hear the cheering and you think that the million dollars is yours. One of you is right. One of you is standing in the chariot. For two are actually just the oxen listening to the crowd cheering for the person behind you.” Dun dun duh! It’s pretty clear that Jonathan wants all the applause for himself. Why else would he make this long tedious speech that isn’t as funny as he thinks it is? Just to rub it in their faces?


Continued:       1       2       3       4       5

     


 
 

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