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Week three began with the results of a Head of Household competition that merely started on Thursday’s live eviction show.

The contest had the remaining houseguests riding on stationary surfboards positioned a few feet off the ground. The contestant who remained in the game the longest – while fending off water, a retracting board and other distractions – won. Seems like the games have finally gotten safer, eh Britney?

Brendon, who’s so pussy whipped it’s nuts, said all he wants is to be Rachel’s “knight in shining armor. And the only way I can do that is stand on that shiny board.” What a doll.

Enzo, who’s mentioned grenades, bombs and other weaponry an uncomfortable amount of times on air, said once more that he and his brigade had to “drop grenades and take these people out.”

He eventually fell, and seemed pretty upset with himself. Among other people, Enzo legit said that he let down Jersey. As in the state. As if Jersey folk would care that he fell off a surfboard in a humdrum season of Big Brother. Perhaps they do. I know little to nothing about New Jersey and her people, and I’m okay with that.

Ragan, who would come in second place, related the competition to high school bullying, in that maintaining his balance on a surfboard proved he had come so far from his teenage years. I don’t get it.

Also of note: Andrew wore extremely short shorts in this one. Shorts that would even make Rachel go, “Nuh uh.” Come on, boy. We don’t need to see that.

So it came down to Ragan and Matt. Prior to Matt claiming victory after 135 minutes of standing, Andrew would venture out back into the yard and make it known that he was retrieving his yarmulke, which had gone missing. The dude really lays the Jew on thick.

And I don’t say this to be crass. He just really, really does. Moments before in a talking head, Andrew said he can’t be a “have not” for the week because the main meal, slop, isn’t kosher.

Like Ron Burgundy with his milk, Rachel immediately regretted her decision to kick Monet out of the house, and not Matt. After Matt claimed HoH, Rachel pulled him aside and apologized for calling him out, and Matt’s like whatever. Ouchy.

While showing off his HoH room, Matt shared a letter with his housemates. If you recall, early in the game Matt made up a medical condition that his wife was diagnosed with, and he was playing the game for her.

Well.

The letter, from his wife, was all about the disease and how people have really stepped it up while Matt’s been gone. And that she’s pushing through it all, and yada yada.

So convincing, in fact, that the resident doctor (Andrew) said he was sorry for previously doubting Matt’s pity story.

Anyone else sickened by this? As far as I’m concerned, Matt and his wife can go to hell.

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