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Inkheart – Opens January 9, 2009

It always amazes me when an original movie idea comes along, only to be more or less matched by a rival studio in about a year's time. In 1998, we had Antz in October and A Bug's Life in November. Capote and Madagascar in 2005, followed by Infamous and The Wild in 2006. Do you see where I'm going with this? Though it appears a lot darker than Bedtime Stories, Inkheart looks a lot like that Adam Sandler's new kid comedy, set to open on Christmas Day. Inkheart's also regrettably got the Nic Cage-in-training Brendan Fraser. And you should by now know how I feel about that guy (Journey to the Center of the Earth, anyone?)

In Inkheart, based on the bestselling German novel by Cornelia Funke (pronounced FOON-ka, not to be confused with Tobias Fünke, who carries the all-important umlaut in his name), Fraser plays Mo Folchart, a father who can bring book characters to life by reading their names aloud. But when Mo brings a rare children's villain to life, the villain kidnaps Mo's daughter and demands that the father bring even more evil characters to life. Desperate to bring his daughter back, Mo creates a stable of friends – real and fake – to battle the villain and set things right.

Grade: D
Also expected to be released on this date: Bride Wars; Hellraiser; The Unborn; Not Easily Broken; Che, part 1: The Argentine; Che, part 2: Guerrilla

Donkey Punch – Opens January 23, 2009

So I went into watching this trailer wondering if the movie's subject matter really would be about that violent sex act identified in this flick's name, Donkey Punch. (The uninformed can kindly consult Urban Dictionary). Turns out it is. And for a reputed horror film, the results are unexpectedly hilarious.

You see, it's about three women who are all hot enough to get invited for a little together with a trio of guys aboard their yacht. Tragedy strikes when one of the couples gets drunk and high and ends up in a secluded bedroom, where the guy performs a donkey punch on his new friend. The dirty deed ends up killing the female, and her body is thrown overboard. The remaining five then turn against each other, rifles and all, when their fears overtake any ability to think rationally about what just happened.

I don't know. Knowing Donkey Punch is really just some stupid British horror movie, I couldn't take it the least bit seriously. The trailer isn't scary, the plot is ridiculous and the movie's main action revolves around a frickin' donkey punch. 'Nuff said.

Grade: D+
Also expected to be released on this date: Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans, Possession, Taken, Killshot

Friday the 13th – Opens February 13, 2009

Bringing back horror icons from the dead has worked out rather well for Hollywood in this decade. Rob Zombie's Halloween earned $58.2 million last year and 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot scared up an impressive $80.5 million. Jason's face-off with Freddy Kruger did even better, accumulating $82.6 million in the same year. So hearing that New Line opted to remake Friday the 13th, released 29 years ago by the time the new one hits theaters, really should come at no surprise.

Funnily enough, trivia buffs will tell you Jason Voorhees never appeared in the 1980 film. Nor was he even wearing his iconic hockey mask until the series' second sequel, 1982's Friday the 13th: Part 3. However, given that people would rather pay to see a deranged man murder hot teenagers over a deranged mother murder those same hot teenagers, that's what you're going to see here. And lot's of it. The trailer conveniently outlines just how large the remake's body count is by flashing a large number after each gruesome death. It ends on 13.

Friday the 13th doesn't look a whole lot different from any other horror movie released today – beautiful cast, lots of sex, lots of screaming and killing of course. Yet there's something nice about seeing Jason's mug back on camera, even if these movies serve no real purpose.

Grade: B
Also expected to be released on this date: Confessions of a Shopaholic; The International; They Came From Upstairs; Under the Sea 3-D; New York, I Love You; Two Lovers

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