Hello, good people! The Survivor recap is back and my only goal at this point is to try to make the recap more fun than the show. Previously on Survivor, the rich got richer, the poor stayed poor and the producers made up some shit to try to even things back up...and it worked. Papa Smurf (aka Gary) was finally med-evac'd out of the game and a message in a bottle forced the Moto tribe to choose between comfort and Tribal Council. They chose poorly and Liliana, the tribe's strongest woman, was dispatched. So despite not winning a single challenge this season, the Ravu tribe will begin this episode in a 7-7 tie with Moto. Will that be enough momentum to get them that first win? Or will this season sink further into the bowels of hell? Well, let's get right to it.
Love Many, Trust Few, Do Wrong To None
By Jim Van Nest
March 13, 2007
We begin at Ravu tonight. Yau Man is trying to figure out how he can search for the idol when it's in the middle of camp. He decides to approach Earl, since they're the only ones to go to Exile. They compare notes and discuss how they can possibly get it, with only a machete to dig. They hatch a plan for Earl to pull some people away while Yau digs for the idol. Cue the opening theme...
The next morning at Ravu, Michelle recaps the obvious. They're starving and struggling and the other tribe has everything. It's time to play "Mission: Hidden Immunity Idol." Earl takes everyone off to hunt for crab. Yau Man gets right to work digging with his machete under the highest point of the big cave. The clue says to dig deep and with a machete, there's just no way he'll make it. Personally, I think he should get some coconut shells and give it a try, but what do I know? Meanwhile on the crab hunt, Earl and Anthony reach the tip top of the island and are both awe-struck at the view from this angle, and how they can see everything around the island. Anthony says taking a second to take it all in is the kind of thing to renew your drive and focus. Back to Yau and he's having a helluva time digging. I'm guessing he is maybe a foot down in the ground when he decides it's best to fill the hole back in and prepare for the tribe to come back.
Meanwhile, at Camp Calorie, life is good. Still, we see a shot of a stack of dirty dishes and I have to wonder what these people will do when all of the dishes are *gasp* dirty. Will they still eat on them? Or will one of them get off their over-privileged ass and actually clean them? I'm betting on the former. We join Moto for the Tree Mail announcement. They get a booklet of things they can possibly win. They have to choose two things to play for at the next challenge. Moto is looking at things like cake, toiletries and chocolate.
At Ravu, they're trying to decide if they should get two things they need or splurge by getting one thing they need and one they want. Earl very strongly wants to get two things they need. And with the line of the season so far, Earl perfectly describes the two camps, "Moto's living in a mansion over there, ya know, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air over there and we're like, ya know, Good Times." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Probst sighting!!! And right away, this challenge looks pretty cool. The survivors have to wade through knee deep mud to get to the bleachers where they'll learn what's in store for them. So whatever's coming up, it's gonna be dirty. As they arrive, Boo comes in eating something. Jeff asks him about it and he says it's mango. Naturally, Jeff goes right to Rocky to ask his opinion about it, he says "look at me, there's fire coming out of my eyes." To which Boo and Dreamz start laughing. That pisses Rocky off even more. And why shouldn't it?
You know, I've seen some obnoxious people on this show and some obnoxious tribes, but I'm pretty sure this Moto Tribe takes the cake. I understand this is a competition and the prize is a million bucks. You can't afford to feel sorry for the other tribe. You can't afford to let your guard down. I get that. But to openly flaunt your success in the face of the losing tribe is about as cowardly and unsportsmanlike as it gets. Especially when you consider how this tribe got what they got. This is the 14th season of this show. That means there have been roughly 250 people on Survivor in its history. And never has there been a more coddled, well nourished, well rested group of Survivors ever. While you're sitting there rubbing it in the faces of the tribe with absolutely nothing, maybe you should take a minute to realize that you're the biggest bunch of sissies in the history of the game. You've been given everything. You're supposed to be winning. Imagine how some of the past Survivors would have performed with this kind of lifestyle in the game? Rob Mariano would have eaten guys like Boo and Dreamz for lunch. There are about 250 people sitting out there that know what this game is about and what it's like. And I'd wager that their disgusted by everything that you've been given and then even more disgusted with how you seem to feel that you're entitled to it. I mean, to laugh in the face of a tribe that you know has absolutely nothing, when you have everything? For Christ's sake, show a little bit of compassion and a little bit of class. In 14 seasons, I've never loathed a tribe like this one. Ever. Okay, rant over; let's get to the next Moto victory.
Today's challenge, they will square off one on one, using large padded bags. You have to knock your opponent off the platform, Sumo-style to get a point. First team to get seven points wins reward and sends someone to Exile Island. Ravu chose potatoes and fishing gear. Moto chose coffee and toiletries. Winner takes all. As Dreamz starts laughing at the fishing gear again, Rocky challenges him in the first match. Good lord, if this isn't an old Eddie Murphy skit coming to life. Little Italian white man challenging the black guy that's about five inches taller, all around bigger and oh yeah, has been eating non-stop for two weeks. This can't end well. They square off in the middle and after about a minute, TO, I mean Dreamz deposits Rocky in the mud. 1-0 Moto.
Cassandra makes quick work of Rita. Edgardo takes about ten seconds to knock out Anthony. Lisi wipes out Michelle. Ravu's only real chance, Earl, is then taken out by Boo. Mookie is then dumped by Alex. 6-0 Moto. Ravu's hopes rest on Yau Man and whether or not he can take out Stacy. And WOO HOO, he does. 6-1 Moto. Next, we get a rematch of Cassandra and Rita. With one swing, Cassandra not only knocks Rita face first into the mud, not only sends Ravu to another crushing defeat, not only sends Earl back to Exile Island but she also (for the first time ever) makes me not want to keep watching this show. This is not fun. I mean, after two weeks of one tribe hardly eating while another eats like kings...this challenge was set up for Ravu to lose. You can't have that kind of discrepancy in nourishment and then have a one on one physical challenge. Frankly, that's just bullshit.
Well, during the commercials, I decided to keep watching - not because I want to, but because of you, my faithful readers. I know you're suffering through this crap with me and I couldn't let you down. So we come back to Moto and Stacy really likes coffee. Alex likes to be clean. Dreamz comes over talking about all their cool stuff and Stacy and Lisi completely ignore him. Stacy tells us how Dreamz and Cassandra are on the outside looking in and they're starting to get paranoid. She then mentions that they're all adults here. Of course, who's acting like the cool girl in high school right now? I hate these people. Okay, this is funny. Dreamz sits down to make himself a cup of coffee. He apparently put some grounds in his cup and poured hot water on them. I doubt he's ever had anything but instant coffee. Poor dude has a cup full of grounds. And naturally Stacy sits there watching the whole time and offers no assistance. Alex even says to her and Lisi, "Well if you guys know how to make it, tell him how to make it." Stacy says, "I'm not gonna tell him anything." Are you frickin' kidding me? How much more of a bitch can you possibly be? Alex is getting pissed. He does not like how rude they're being. He says it makes him sick. He tells us that in a game of instant karma like this, he doesn't believe that they would treat someone so bad. Forget the fact that they shouldn't do it ever, but when your neck could be on the line it's even more stupid. I wish I could include a video here to recap the expressions Stacy makes as Cassandra has the same issue with her coffee. I mean, for real, how can someone be so ignorant? These people have obviously never made brewed coffee before. I mean, I'm sure they're really sorry that they're not as privileged as you are, but for crying out loud, why not help them? This girl can't go home soon enough. Sharing my thoughts is Edgardo. He says they're on a power trip and if they keep going that way, he's gonna make sure they're out.
We join Earl on Exile and he gets a clue that tells him nothing that he didn't already know. He confirms that the problem is they don't have the right tools to dig with. So basically, this was just a small segment of show to tell us nothing we didn't already know.
Back at Ravu, Rita is talking. And talking. And talking. She's talking about makeup and models and fashion. It's enough to make Rocky quip, "Basically, I want to take my t-shirt and hang myself from a palm tree." Rocky and Anthony are talking about how annoying they are. Meanwhile, Rita's talking about how she looks high maintenance but she's really low maintenance. At this point, I'm ready for Rocky to, "...smack her with a fried pineapple."
At Moto, we see their first bit of strategy. Not surprisingly, it comes from Alex. He's trying to explain the numbers to Lisi and she doesn't get it. He tells her that if the tribes merge at ten and they win every challenge, it'll be 7-3 when the tribes merge. When Dreamz and Cassandra flip, it's 5-5. Her response, "Cool, whatever." Somewhere in Lisi-land, five is greater than five, I guess. Alex tries to tell Stacy the same thing and she wants no part of it. So he goes to Boo. He has to get it, right? Um, wrong. Only Edgardo gets it. He's of the opinion that if Stacy and Lisi keep it up, they need to have Dreamz and Cassandra close. He says they're not looking ahead in the game at all. We cut to Alex trying to have a pep-talk with the tribe. He's trying to include everyone now. Of course, Dreamz ain't buying it, "When we get into the merge, me and Cassandra are gonna leave and go with the other tribe." It's during this part that Stacy turns on the smile and plays along. Dreamz can't wait to turn the tables on these folks. And suddenly, I have a little bit of interest again.
Probst sighting!! And today's immunity challenge is suited for both tribes regardless of camp life. So, I'm glad to see that. This challenge is like the old kid's game, Memory. Basically, you have to flip a board and then find its match. There are 30 boards and four of them are bogus. So there are 13 pairs. First team to get seven wins. Once you leave the main platform, there can be no coaching from the rest of the tribe.
Not surprisingly, Moto strikes first as Cassandra lucks into a match. Boo scores the second point for Moto. Yau Man screws up an easy match for Ravu because he couldn't remember where the second one was. This leads to the best moment of the challenge. Lisi is in such a hurry to get the match that Yau Man missed that she jumps down and lands dead on her face. When she gets up, she runs straight to the first one and then to the wrong place for the match. When the rest of the tribe gasps, this turn is over and Ravu gets a second chance. Earl heads out and finally gets this one and it's 2-1 Moto. After a montage of flipping, the game is down to this. 6-6. There are six tiles left and two of them match. Michelle heads out for Ravu and doesn't find a match. Edgardo heads out for Moto and he doesn't match either. As he goes, he shows Ravu where the match is. Rocky heads out to find the easy final match. He turns over one nine and gets confused on the second nine. He misses it. And what have we here? Another effing Moto win.
We come back to Ravu and Rocky wants to address the tribe. He apologizes for losing the challenge and mentions that too many people talk at the same time that it's hard for anyone to concentrate. Rita chimes in to agree. Anthony and Rocky are talking about how annoying Rita is and how they're ready to dump her. Anthony, meanwhile, is feeling pretty vulnerable, since he was on the block last week. Mookie and Yau Man are discussing who should go and they break it down to Anthony or Rita and they don't really care which one. As a larger portion of the group gets together, Mookie tells them he doesn't want to decide this time. Michelle suggests Anthony and Rita, Mookie and Yau Man agree. As Rocky and Mookie go for a walk, Rocky tries to convince Mookie to change his vote. Rocky says he wants Anthony to go too, but Rita has to go first. Looks like Mook might be changing his mind.
How frustrating was it to get that close to winning? Yau Man was very frustrated and felt bad for messing up one of the matches for the tribe. Mookie mentions the whole too many people talking thing and how Rocky took the blame for the challenge, but it really wasn't his entire fault. Jeff asks Rocky why he's taking the blame and I really like this response. "I swear if we would have won that challenge, the whole island would have exploded. We were so close. And I took that away from myself and away from my tribe and I felt bad." We move on to Rita and ask her what she talks about. Perfect question. She says she tries to tell stories to entertain a little bit. Earl than tells us that strategies are starting to change. Decisions were made real fast in the beginning but now it's getting to be more about chemistry. Yau Man, can you trust your tribe yet? "My credo in life is Love Many, Trust Few and Do Wrong to None." Not sure what that means, but there you have it. And now, it's time to vote.
We see Rita vote for Anthony and Anthony vote for Rita. I'll go tally the votes. When it's all said and done, Rita and Michelle vote Anthony and everyone else votes for Rita. Something tells me camp will be much quieter in the morning.
Next time on Survivor, the producers have conspired to keep me watching. Drop your buffs! Looks like it's tribal mix-up time. And it appears they're doing it grade-school-gym-class style too. They show Rocky pick Dreamz of all people to join him. And the final choice is to determine which tribe gets Moto's camp and which gets Ravu.
*PROGRAMMING NOTE*** There is no Survivor next week. There is no Survivor next week. Further, when Survivor comes back, it will be on a Wednesday. It's March Madness time, which means CBS's Thursdays will be all basketball all the time for the next few weeks. So Survivor will be back with a new episode on Wednesday, March 21st!!! Until then, take care!