Survivor: Fiji
Let's Just Call Jeff on the Phone
By Jim Van Nest
March 6, 2007

Goodbye, Moto.

Hello, good people, and welcome back to a season of Survivor that's so boring, even BOP can't make it fun. Previously on Survivor, the Ravu tribe continued to be dominated by a stronger, more rested Moto tribe. Let's see, Gary hurt himself and had to be treated by the medical staff. Anthony almost whined himself out of the game and Sylvia finally took the walk of shame.

Honestly, I can't think of a season that has had a worse beginning. Watching one tribe be given everything and then watch them go on and win everything has amazingly enough proven to NOT be good television. In fact, this season is so bad, I'm reminiscing about the good ole days of Survivor: Africa, Marquesas and Thailand. Hell, I'm almost ready for All Stars 2. Anyway, the previews for this week showed more possible medical issues and promised a big twist. Well, it's about damned time they did something. Let's just hope it turns out to be worth it.

What do you say we start with Ravu after Tribal? Cool? Cool. Earl takes control when they get back. He wants everyone to sit down and get all the hard feelings out in the open. Rocky complains about how much Anthony complains all the time. Basically tells him that he's not acting like a man. Anthony again takes the high road and apologizes. But then he tells us how he was picked on as a kid and has low self esteem. He starts to break down during his confessional and I can kinda see why Rocky's annoyed.

We come back from the intro to Camp Cholesterol. Stacy and Lisi are talking about how perfect everything is right now. They have the luxury of the only bad part of their day being a cloud covering the sun. Actually, they have one other bad thing. Gary is hurting, with a capital H. His head is messed up and he can't breathe. Honestly, I don't see how he'll possibly stay in this game. Lisi showing the utmost compassion is worried that she'll end up having to babysit him. Wow, and I thought she was annoying when she didn't speak.

Probst sighting! Both tribes will line up on a balance beam over water. One at a time, the tribe will need to cross the beam going around the rest of the tribe. You fall off; you have to go back to the start. First tribe to get all the members across wins reward. Wanna know what they're playing for? A huge plate of fish, spices, some rice and some pillows and blankets. Also, the winning tribe will come back to camp and find a fully loaded king sized bed. Gary and Cassandra will sit out for Moto.

Michelle and Stacy start off for each tribe. Michelle goes through with no problem whatsoever. Stacy knocks herself and Lisi into the water two times. So Lisi takes a chance, and she screws it up twice. Meanwhile, Yau Man makes his way across with no problem. After a couple more tumbles, Lisi finally gets across. As if things weren't bad enough for him, Anthony loses it and falls in a couple times, while Alex gets across to tie the game for Moto. Ravu changes it up and everyone drops in to change their order. As they do this, Edgardo (who?) gets across. Liliana gets through as Mookie takes a dive. Dreamz and Stacy make it over and then Boo steps over and Moto continues their winning streak. And if Anthony doesn't go home tonight, it'll be a frickin miracle. Oh yeah, and Yau Man gets sent to Exile Island.

Just what I was hoping to see. The Moto tribe celebrating and gloating. You know, I really hate this tribe. And it's not their fault, really; it's the show's fault. I'll go into this more later, but this is without a doubt the worst idea this side of the Outcast Tribe.

At Ravu, things don't look good. Rocky's pissed. Rita wants to talk about it, he wants to throw rocks. He says they should just call Jeff up on the "Jeff Phone" and say they want to go to Tribal and vote someone out right now. Even the negative nelly, Mookie, tells Rocky to let it go. Earl seems to be turning on him as well. He tells us that maybe Rocky should do something around camp. Anthony tells Earl that he knows he's gone if they lose again, but his hope is to let Rocky keep mouthing off. Earl likes Anthony but says it's getting hard to keep defending him.

Meanwhile, on Exile Island, Yau Man gets another clue to find the hidden immunity idol. The clue suggests that they may be sleeping on it. He can't wait to get back, but has no idea how he'll do it in the middle of camp.

Over at Moto, Liliana finally makes her presence known. She's dishing out backrubs and trying to be all sexy. Lisi, however, she knows what Liliana's up to. And I can see why she'd make that comment, considering how stealthy Liliana is being. *rolls eyes* The next day, we're back to Gary. The dude is messed up. The medical team shows up again. I can't help but think he's toast. This is two visits from the meds; he's got to be so messed up that he'll have to leave. The med team basically tells him that they can't do anything else for him there, but there's nothing serious going on. Gary chooses to be evacuated. And again, showing her class, Lisi tells us that there's one less person. Alex is concerned about the next challenge. With Gary gone, if they lose the challenge, the tribes are tied again. Ah....dreams.

We come back to Ravu and Rocky is telling us how he's going crazy. He says he's gonna start leading by example. The girls come back with tree mail that suggests teamwork is huge in this challenge. As she's reading, Rocky walks up to them naked. He has decided to try to be funny to get the team fired up.

Probst sighting! To further fire the team up, Rocky wears a pink bikini top to the challenge. Jeff even comments on how good the spirits seem to be for the winless Ravu. He brings in the Moto tribe and tells them that Gary had to leave the game. And I have to say, Ravu looks more upset about it than some of the Moto tribe. There will still be an immunity challenge. Woo hoo!

This challenge is kind of long. Four people will be in locked cages. One member will race out and unlock the first member. Then it basically turns into an obstacle course as the freed member has to go through something to unlock the next. Once all four are out, the last person will hop in a boat with the sixth member of the tribe and collect the four people stranded behind. Once back to shore, those six will form a human pyramid with the person on top unlocking the final cage. Once all seven members are on the mat, they've won. They've won immunity and a sealed bottle that they will open and read when the challenge is over. Lisi will sit out for Moto.

Edgardo (who?) and Rocky start out. Edgardo gets to his cage first and frees Dreamz. Rocky frees Yau Man. Alex gets free while Yau Man falls behind. He gets Rita out while Alex gets Boo free. Boo gains even more ground. Liliana is free and they get on the boat and Rita still hasn't gotten to her cage. Mookie makes up a lot of time, but I can't imagine it'll be enough. Ravu is at least on the boat now. Moto gets to the beach first, as usual. Ravu is actually pretty close behind. Stacy can't seem to find the right key for Moto and this allows Ravu to get back in it. Michelle is on top for Ravu but Stacy finally gets her cage open and Moto wins yet again. Time to read the note. And HOLY COW, the note says that Moto has a choice to make. They can keep their immunity and go back to Ravu beach to live. Or they can give up immunity and continue to live in comfort. He gives them some time to decide and they come back with the decision to keep their camp. They have to hand over immunity to Ravu...which means the tribes are now tied.

Ok, I have to break from the recap for a minute for a few things.

1) I hate, hate, hate the haves-have nots idea. It's a remarkable failure. They give one tribe everything and one tribe nothing and they almost seemed surprised that the weaker, malnourished team is losing. Not only does it set the viewers up to automatically not like half the Survivors, but it sets such an unfair advantage for one tribe that the weaker tribe will not have a chance in hell of making up the difference. And I can't say this enough - it's TERRIBLE television. Who wants to watch one group of people sleeping in hammocks and dining on great food, while the other tribe is sucking water off plant leaves to keep from dying of thirst? No one, that's who. I honestly have gotten myself so worked up about this, I think I've developed an aneurysm.

2) What would the note have said if Ravu had won? That they could either keep immunity or leave their crappy camp? I mean, really, do they even think about this stuff before they put it on television? Even more than a stupid idea like haves-have nots, I really hate the knee-jerk reaction to correct the original problem by changing the rules of the game without much thought going into the repercussions of that knee-jerk reaction.

3) Are you frickin kidding me? They're gonna give up immunity just to keep their pillows and blankets? Could it be because they know that they're too frickin soft to live at the other camp? You just never give up a member in this game. I've said it over and up a member when you don't have to will earn you the karma you deserve. Especially considering this will tie the game. I fully expect this to be the beginning of the end for the Moto tribe...and thank goodness for that!!

Back at Moto camp, Dreamz decides to talk straight with everyone and declares that Lisi and Cassandra are the weak links and they should decide between the two of them. Edgardo agrees that Cassandra will get his vote, because he likes Lisi. Stacy tells us in confessional that what Dreamz doesn't know is that it's a tribe of five - Stacy, Alex, Edgardo, Lisi and Boo. Dreamz is going on and on about not wanting to turn the game over to the snakes. Keep everything open. Cassandra is really worried about going home. And right in the middle of this, we get some kind of footage of a snake, like...I don't know, spitting out a snake or something. I watched it twice and am not sure what it was, but I'm thoroughly freaked out now. The team of five is having trouble deciding who to vote out. Lisi and Stacy want Liliana out, Alex and the guys want Cassandra out because she's the weakest link and they want to stay strong. I'll go ahead and mention here that I'm sure Liliana rubbing her boobies on the guys' backs every night has nothing to do with their decision.

First topic at Tribal is about Gary leaving. The whole tribe really misses him. Jeff asks if everyone has formed bonds by now. Dreamz says that he felt a bond with Gary and Cassandra but not really anyone else. Edgardo (who?) disagrees. Lisi brings up Dreamz going off on his rant about who should go which leads to a bunch of talk that says absolutely nothing. Alex says that his vote will be based on strength. Right before the vote, Cassandra throws a huge compliment to Liliana and her strength. Okay, let's vote.

Ironically, the first vote we see is Liliana's vote for Cassandra. We then see Lisi's vote for Liliana, saying the alliance is five not six (I really don't like her.) The final vote we see is Cassandra voting for Lisi (you go girl!) Let's tally the votes. We see the three votes first and what follows is nothing but votes for Liliana. I wonder if it's possible that Jeff misread Lisi four times. Nope...guess not.

Next time on Survivor, karma starts to have its way and Moto starts to fracture. Yau Man starts looking for the idol. And a quick scene from some sort of challenge shows Dreamz laughing at Rocky and Rocky telling him "let's go right now." Not sure what that means, but it looks like Rocky is good and pissed and Dreamz will be playing the role of Clubber Lang.