The Amazing Race Recap
Dude, I'm Such a Hot Giant Chick Right Now!
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
December 14, 2006

I knew we should have shown more cleavage.

Stephanie DeGateo's big city lawyering kept her being able to handle this week's The Amazing Race recap, so we are here fill the void. We're not particular fans of the show - with the Rob and Amber season being the only one that really entertained us to any degree - so you'll forgive us if we're less than kind to the contestants of this season. Even by the Amazing Race's standards, they're pretty awful.

What do we specifically think of the four remaining teams? Rob & Kimberly are a bickering couple who we've grown to like more in recent weeks as they have toned down the fighting and come more together as a team. At this point, we're writing off their earlier performance as the mental equivalent of opening night jitters.

Dustin & Kandice are obnoxious, vile, annoying girls who personify everything that is wrong with beauty show culture. And let's just say that some of their comments skew to the John Rocker side of loving only certain types of fellow man. They've had several ugly (and dumb) American moments, and get annoyed when others "play the game" even though they do the same. Also, Dustin is a boy's name.

The Lyns, aka Lyn & Karlyn, are not the Southern team we would have liked to see advance this far despite the fact that they are from the same town where Kim was born. However, since David & Mary got hooked up with a new car and home thanks to the ladies of The View (also, they are apparently going to be appearing on All-Stars), we're not too worried about them. In fact, they're probably going to leverage their appearance on the show for a lot more than anything that the eventual winner will come away with. Back to Lyn & Karlyn, they're not particularly pleasant personalities and their constant arguments with Dustin & Kandice make us believe that the only winner is society. This weak team managed to ride an alliance with two other now-eliminated teams to the final four. They're hoping to be the first all-female team in the last leg. Never has a team been easier to root against.

Finally, Tyler & James - Team Zoolander - are really the most innocuous of the group. The models and former drug addicts let us know about their past adversity all the time, which grates on the nerves, but they're mostly harmless. Frankly, they're the best and most deserving team of the bunch, too, as they have won a number of legs and have constantly kept their focus on the prize. They're not exciting, but they do at least merit the honor of being the team we will actually root for. Also, the boys have mastered the Blue Steel look and their Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too is partway to reality if they can come away with the million bucks.

We start tonight's leg with Dustin & Kandice looking at being knocked out as they finished last previously but were not eliminated. This year's punishment for teams in non-elimination rounds is a 30 minute penalty for failing to come in first on the next leg. Since Dustin & Kandice are 20 minutes behind the third place team, Rob & Kimberly, they effectively have to make up an hour in tonight's leg to save themselves from seeing their race come to a close. Fortunately for them, there will probably be bunching. Speaking of which, do you know what we really, really hate about the Amazing Race? Bunching. This reality show is truly the only one that rewards bumbling fools and punishes the strong players. You don't see the NFL spotting the Oakland Raiders 45 points in a game.

Our racers are off the Casablanca, which we know quite well as that den of thieves, gamblers and other unsavory characters such as Ugarte, Captain Louis Renault and Rick Blaine. The contestants should feel right at home!

Right at the start, Team Pretty Boy announces a shocking preference for the Bama denizens over the blondes. They rightly recognize that the beauty queens are the toughest competition in the game and that if they can eliminate them, it's an easier road to the grand prize. And since the girls are vile and unpleasant to watch, we win with this strategy as well. Go Zoolanders!

The male half of Team Romance (aka Rob & Kimberly) expresses confidence in himself as well as his partner. He also has a firm belief in happy endings. No, not that sort, you pervs. The man saw another Rob have success proposing on a reality show and he's hoping to replicate the feat. It will be even better if some network ponies up for the wedding! Kimberly shows her passion by swatting away a fly.

Once the teams arrive in Casablanca, it's Roadblock time. And lucky for us, it's an eating gross things challenge! We can't get enough of those! And with the start featuring disembodied camel heads, we know it's going to be awesome! The teams must find this gruesome market, go to a cafe, grind their meat, cook it up just so, and dine on the delicacy. The former drug addicts must have eaten worse in their lives, because they show no reservations.

The blondes, meanwhile, once again capitalize on being cute and use their sex appeal to get a dude to help guide them to the clue and eventually the cafe. Tyler & James are impressed that the beauty queens have made up the deficit and rightfully so. This gain was made without bunching.

As Dustin & Kandice cook some yummy yummy camel (they look forward to the protein), Rob & Kimberly are lost and he is ready to regress into meltdown mode. The happy couple stops being happy, and Rob assumes tantrum position. Even Kimberly is confused by his actions, asking how throwing his hands up in frustration helps anything. Rob asks the man who has been helping Dustin & Kandice for help, but the dude senses that he might be able to get a little somethin' somethin' if he accompanies the girls the entire way to the airport and he says no. And to be fair, he does seem to be having a blast with the pretty ladies.

Soon, Rob & Kimberly and the Lyns have worked together to find their clues and they're all off to grind and eat some meat. Pussy Rob says he can't eat something so unusual, deferring the task to his partner, then bitches at Kimberly as she grinds too slowly (in his opinion). He's not the only one full of criticism, though. Karyn rides Lyn through her entire meal, almost causing her partner to gag. We're happy when Ln tells her to shut up, as we've said exactly the same words just moments before.

Now that all teams are through the food task, it's time for everyone to head to Barcelona, Spain. Upon arrival at the airport, the guide for the blondes gets six kisses, but no sexy time.

The model boys and beauty queen girls are both at the airline ticket desk, and they all soon discover that there are only two tickets available for the first flight out. The blondes have the gall to ask the Zoolanders if they'd be willing to give up first spot so that the ladies can win this round. "We're, like, pretty and stuff" seems to be the basis for their argument. They also question whether Tyler & James really want to compete versus Rob & Kimberly in the final three. It's certainly...a bold move, but unfortunately for the girls, the Moroccan guy who was buying their bull is not the subject of their wheedling.

Finally, Rob & Kimberly and Lyn & Karlyn arrive at the airport, where the join the models in a discussion of how much they want to eliminate the blondes. To their credit, the girls do seem to be aware of their precarious position as the primary target this round. In the end, everyone is bunched on the same flight, so all of the negotiating and strategizing is needless. They're all grouped together again once they get to their destination in Barcelona, but Dustin & Kandice do their very best to try to make the playing field uneven. They go to a group of what appears to be construction workers and ask them to call a taxi only for them. The blondes suggest that the workers should say no to anyone else who asks for assistance. We'll see if this tactic pays off, since the other teams seemed wise enough to be able to arrange their own transportation.

To discover the next clue, the teams must go through a labyrinth of shrubbery (the Knights Who Say Ni would be so pleased), and the boys and Rob & Kimberly are through first. There are, as always, two detour options. One will have teams putting on giant costumes and wandering through town to find someone who is similarly attired. The other would have them search through a giant pile of tomatoes while locals lob said tomatoes in their direction.

When the teams emerge from the maze, there is some confusion with regards to the taxis and the blondes are off first. The Zoolanders have some serious trouble getting someone to drive them to their destination, and the Lyns aren't doing much better. The boys get the first cab and enlist their driver to call someone for the Birmingham ladies. The beauty queens did indeed manage to turn the tables in their favor, but their lead is slim indeed.

Now comes the Amazing Race's rendition of The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Rob & Kimberly have elected the needle in the haystack challenge, which generally proves to be a bad idea. This time, not only are they faced with the daunting task of finding something impossible, but people are chucking fruit (or are they vegetables) at them. This turns Rob up to 11, and he starts yelling at members of the crowd and chucking tomatoes back at them. Really, it almost seems as though he doesn't understand the point of the challenge - they need to find their clue, not go to war with the citizens of Barcelona. Kimberly begins to melt down as she is entirely frustrated by the ickiness and violence of the task. They try to leave and drive over to the other task, but it is simply too far away and they cannot risk elimination. And the good news is that when they return to the tomatoes, they find the clue that directs them to the Pit Stop rather quickly.

Meanwhile, Dustin & Kandice are daunted by the hugeness of their costumes, and as they traverse the streets, begin to sweat unbearably. Imagine wearing a college mascot costume and the heat it must generate - these traditional folk costumes are really about the same.

Random aside: we miss the hippies.

The Lyns and the model boys arrive at the Detour area, with the ladies taking the tomato challenge and the boys doing the costume work. Tyler & James quickly encounter Dustin & Kandice, which does a lot to reassure them about their chances of beating the girls. Lyn & Karlyn make it through the tomato challenge without much trouble, and the crowd even applauds them when they leave.

Tyler & James take off down a side alley and Dustin & Kandice become alarmed. They should be, too, as Rob & Kimberly arrive at the Pit Stop in first place, thereby forcing them to finish at least 31 minutes ahead of the last team. Since the beauty queens know that Tyler & James are right there with them, their only hope is that the Lyns have stumbled somehow.

At the Pit Stop, Rob & Kimberly cry a little bit and discuss the fact that they totally want to get married and stuff. The only thing we notice is that Rob seems to be making their engagement contingent upon winning the million bucks. Does this mean he's going to throw tomatoes at Kimberly if they lose?

Tyler & James and Dustin & Kandice arrive at the area where they believe the Pit Stop to be, but they have some trouble determining where they're supposed to go. They try to get directions from the locals, but no one understands their bad Spanish. Meanwhile, the Lyns show up and after getting some good instructions, arrive in second place. Soon afterward, because Dustin & Kandice set off in the completely wrong direction, Tyler & James have defeated them and put them out of the race. In the end, the mostly evil female team was able to elimate the purely evil team. I guess we'll call that a win.