Survivor: Cook Islands
People You Like Want To See You Suffer
By Jim Van Nest
November 17, 2006

Don't let the smiles fool you. They plan on devouring souls for this indignity.

Hello, good people, and welcome back to the BOP Survivor Recap. Previously on Survivor, Candice proved to be a mutinous beyotch and her manservant Jonathan followed her to the Raro tribe. What ensued was an ass kicking of huge proportions as Yul and Ozzy flay out refused to lose either challenge. And before the emails get started, Sundra and Becky were there too, but let's face it; they spent most of one challenge rolling around in a barrel. Candice quickly fit in with her new tribe despite the traitorous move she put on Aitu. Jonathan, however, was viewed as a traitor and left on the outside. Ah...the power of the boobies. Jonathan's plan to work real hard around camp paid off for him as Raro decided to use his hard work for a little while longer and got rid of tribal malcontent Brad in what had to be the least suspenseful Tribal Council of the season.

This week, we've been promised that Candice and Adam get freaky and that a mysterious message in a bottle will turn the game upside down. Why do I get the feeling that the big twist is gonna suck? Anyway, without further ado:

We begin at Raro, and guess what? Jonathan's working. Jonathan talks about how much he regrets jumping tribes. He's a "wandering Jew without a tribe." Jenny is feeling pretty worried about Candice and Adam hooking up and that he'll leave their alliance. Now, if you'll excuse me while I puke. Adam is kissing all of Candice's faux injuries and I'm already more tired of them than I was of Romber in the All-Stars.

Over at Aitu, Ozzy's out fishing. And he's telling us about the hole his tribe is in and he's totally happy to be the underdog. Sundra comes back with Tree Mail, but it's not a note. It's a code. I could be wrong, but with Yul on this tribe this seemingly intellectual challenge should be in the bag.

Probst sighting! As the tribes get together, Jeff drops the bomb on Aitu that Brad became the first member of the jury. To quote Yul, "Whoa." Today's reward challenge will be a treasure hunt. There will be coordinates, compasses, treasure chests and nautical flags. The tribes will follow the coordinates and dig out treasure chests. Each chest will contain flags, and once they have all four chests, they'll take all the flags out and they'll spell victory. Of course, they only win if they put in the order of the code that was left in tree mail. Wanna know what they're playing for? They're playing for a chance to be taken away to a native feast with all the trimmings, including some sweet home brew.

Parvati, Nate and Rebecca sit out for Raro. As the challenge begins, Raro gets off on the wrong foot right off the bat. Yul and Sundra don't. As all the other challenges have gone, Aitu is back with all four chests before Raro gets back with number three. As Raro looks on in disbelief, Candice is moaning about going to Exile Island. Heh deserve it, you traitorous bitch. And with ease, Aitu comes out victorious again. And going to Exile Island, shocker...Candice.

When we get back from break, we start at Exile Island. And awwww, Candice is upset. Ya know, when you pull off the biggest backstab in the history of the show; reap what you sow. Suck it up, eat your sea cucumber and shut up.

As Aitu gets off their private plane, they are greeted by a native tribe and are carried to the feast like dignitaries. As they walk, the tribe sings as they march. For my money, these are always the best rewards on the show. Forget the food, forget the cars. This is something you will NEVER have a chance to be a part of. This is a memory that will last longer than any Chevrolet or even a million dollars. Aitu is totally overwhelmed, as they should be. There is much eating, much dancing, much laughing, a little rain and a couple of the larger native woman made a sweet Yul sandwich. Interestingly enough, Ozzy seemed to get the skinny chicks. I have to wonder what that means. Either way, if this tribe hadn't bonded before, they certainly are now. I honestly see them as the final four. I don't see any way they can lose, especially with Yul holding the hidden idol.

Over at Raro, guess what? Jonathan's working again while everyone else "chills." Jon tells us that if they'd stop with that attitude, maybe they'd actually win something. He's fishing like a madman in hopes that being the provider saves him a little longer. Tree Mail is a map of the island. Jenny complains to us that Rebecca hasn't helped during any challenge. I can only assume that's to plant the seed that she'll be the boot when Aitu wins again.

Probst sighting! The immunity challenge looks to be an interesting one. Each person will swim out to a pontoon, dive down and untie a bag. When all four people get back, they'll open the bags to find the names of ten islands. They will then move to a large map where ten islands in the area are mapped out and numbered. Their job? Match the names of the islands to the corresponding number. First tribe finished wins immunity. Losing tribe will go to Tribal Council, but not empty handed. And here's where Jeff whips out the mysterious bottle. The bottle will be taken back to camp by the losing tribe and it will stay sealed until Tribal. After the vote, the bottle will be opened and the message read. Oooooh, I wonder what it could be. Adam, Candice and Jenny will be sitting out this challenge. Survivors ready?

As we've seen a dozen times, Ozzy completely blows away Nate getting to the farthest bag. Ozzy gets back as Nate gets his bag. I mean, come on, it's not even fair. Aitu is pretty much running away with it until Parvati makes up major time on Becky's run. Sundra has trouble getting her bag and manages to get hers as Rebecca comes up empty handed. Aitu begins solving while Rebecca swims back. As Raro opens their bags, Aitu solves the map and wins again. Come on, was it ever in doubt? I love this frickin tribe.

We get back to Raro and all the talk is about the message in the bottle. I'm gonna go off the board and suggest that the note says that whoever gets the second amount of votes, gets voted off the show and is NOT part of the jury. Days are getting slim and another double vote day is coming. May as well be now.

Talk finally turns to who should go home. Seems that everyone wants Rebecca to go. She is the weakest on the tribe, but let me say Jenny hasn't been worth a crap either. And she's a nasty person. Nate and Parvati are discussing the vote and Nate says he won't turn on anyone in their group in favor of Jonathan. Everyone seems to be in agreement that Rebecca is the one to go. Jonathan, feeling much better about his place in the tribe, turns to wondering what's in the bottle. "If it was something good, wouldn't they give it to the winning tribe?"

Jeff begins by dogging their work in the challenges. When the discussion turns to work around camp, Jonathan's fishing becomes the topic. The tribe has obviously accepted Jon into their group. Adam says he's tired of losing and his vote tonight is about productivity. We get an abbreviated Tribal tonight. I can only assume it's due to the bottle and note.

As the people vote, we see Jenny voting for Rebecca and Rebecca voting for Jonathan. Which pretty much indicates that Rebecca's history. But, Jeff'll tally the votes, just in case. As expected, Rebecca is ousted unanimously. Now for the message in a bottle. The tribe seems to think it's a merge. It is: "You have just voted out one member of your tribe. You will now vote out another." WOO HOO!! Now they have a tougher decision and no time to talk about the next vote. Adam says Rebecca was the weak link and he doesn't know who to vote for. And it's time to vote again. This time, we see no votes. Jonathan. Jonathan. Jenny. Jenny. Jenny. Jenny. Now THAT'S awesome. Boy does she look pissed. I'd suggest not being such an ass all the time and maybe your tribe would have let you stay.

Next time on Survivor: feeling a little more secure, Jonathan blasts the tribe for not doing anything. Yul tells Ozzy he's holding the immunity idol. And things heat up between Adam and Candice. Hmm, let's see, two things are huge in the strategy of the game and one; I couldn't possibly care any less about. Let's see how much time is spent watching Adam and Candice suck face. Until then, take care.