Your attention is demanded! My name is Kang, and this is my sister, Kodos. We have returned after a trip to our home planet, where the movies are far superior! There is far more torture and digestion of humans involved! We need more movies like Grizzly Man!
February 2006 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
February 2, 2006
Final Destination 3
We hope there is plenty of product placement in this film! We love the Apple computer! They are so shiny and white! We are listening to purple people eater on our iPods right now! We choose Final Destination 3 as our pick for top film of the month, because there is much torture and destruction of humans! We hope you all enjoy your trip to Cedar Point after this movie is over! Be sure to ride the Millennium Force (into the stratosphere)!
The dogs in this movie will be better actors than Paul Walker! We do not like to see dogs tortured or digested. They are one of your planet's higher beings! It is too bad you do not understand that when they are barking, they are expounding on the theory of relativity and telling you the cure for cancer!
Have you seen Alyson Hannigan on How I Met Your Mother? It makes us hate Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer retroactively! We wonder how she would taste with ketchup! Perhaps the Eight Below dogs would like her for a snack!
Remember when Julianne Moore was an Academy Award contending actress? That was a long time before The Forgotten, wasn't it? This movie looks like Forgotten with Samuel L. Jackson! It will surely be stupid, and audiences will surely eat it up!
The Pink Panther
Here is what you people do not understand. We have substituted the good, funny Steve Martin with an evil stand-in from our home planet. But you people seem to like evil Steve Martin better than the real Steve Martin! You keep going to movies like Bringing Down the House and Cheaper by the Dozen, and you'll go to this one, too!
Madea's Family Reunion
Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry are not really men in fat suits. They are actually a super-alien life form that has come to suck the life from your brains! They are winning! Remember when Martin Lawrence had the fainting spell from trying to run in a heavy coat and hat in 100 degree temperatures? He was trying to revert from his real body form in an effort to fool you suckers! Suckers!
When a Stranger Calls
We like to make these sorts of prank calls ourselves. HA! HA HA! With any luck, we will see whatever teenager is prominently featured in this film tortured mercilessly. And eaten by creatures such as Big Momma and Madea! Remember Carol Kane from the original movie? We would like to peel her like a grape!
We wanted to see this movie when it was called The Wrong Element! Why do movie studios always make stupid title changes? We would like to have the executive that made that decision over for dinner!
Monkeys are the rightful heirs to this planet! You stole it away from them! We guarantee there would be no global warming or credit card debt or James Frey scandals if monkeys were in charge! George Bush would still be here, though.
What is it, Paul Walker month? Why did the sharks from Into the Blue not eat him as we requested? Why do the dogs from Eight Below refuse to dine upon his entrails? Perhaps he will at last meet an untimely demise in this film, which stubbornly refuses to be a remake of the 1986 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines classic.
Somehow, we really doubt that this movie will offer anything new at all! Sanaa Lathan is one of your more attractive human specimens, though! We think the monkeys and the dogs would let her stay amongst their kind!
Milla Jovovich's genetics are messed up again! Now she is a vampire-like thing! Perhaps she will nosh on Paul Walker just a bit!
Have you even heard one thing about this movie? It looks too cute for carnage, that's for sure! It does have an all-powerful dog with talking abilities! Eat the nice people, puppy! Eat them!