Survivor: Ghost Island Recap
Fate Is the Homie
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
April 3, 2018

Nice and boring.

Previously on Survivor, a 16 seed beat a one seed, and that’s about all we remember over the last couple of weeks. Also, Dom and Chris apparently still hate each other, which means nothing to us or the vote, for that matter. This year’s only interesting player, Stephanie, was voted out.

Oh, great, Bradley’s still here.

Actually, Survivor knows the show is such crap so far this season that they start the episode with a Probst sighting. Once again, it’s time for a tribal switch. Come on.

To really eff things up, they’ve split the groups into three instead of just two. Dom and Chris are split, which means Dom seems to think he can run the game.

Like last time, the original Malolo are in the minority on all three tribes. Here’s the composition of each one:

Naviti: Bradley, Donathan, Chelsea, Dom, Libby

Yanuya: Sebastian, Laurel, Wendell, Chris, Jenna

Malolo: Michael, Desiree, James, Kellyn, Angela

The bad news for the new Yanuya tribe is that they have a new beach and will have to build shelter from scratch. What garbage. They do at least get some rice and fishing gear. The good news is that combined, it’s a pretty strong group.

Wendell knows that he’s in a much better position now, for example. Before, he was stuck in the middle between Chris and Dom, and he had the wrong side of the numbers, too. Now, if he can just put up with Chris constantly talking about how awesome he is, he’s with a group that can win some challenges. Chris and Laurel are both former college athletes, and Sebastian is like a merman or something.

Speaking of putting up with Chris, who won two Nobel Peace Prizes in the time it took us to type this, he is – shock – talking about how awesome he is! He played beach volleyball and stuff. Also, he’s super charismatic and people love listening to him, so he has to strategize. Or something. We stopped listening back during the last paragraph.

Also, he’s a model. We point this out because of this quote:

“I’m hesitant to tell people that I model, because for some crazy reason, people think that models might be self absorbed.”

Why are you people making us watch this show?

“I’m happy with our five. I think we’re going to do well,” says Michael of the new Malolo group as upbeat music plays. Uh oh. Kellyn fake smiles and nods. Desiree wonders whether Angela will still be with the Original Naviti since she’s had the opportunity to get to know James.

Angela talks about the divide in the previous tribe, where Chris and Dom were constantly at odds. The Original Naviti will be familiar with this schism.

The only Original Malolo from the group, Michael and James, talk plans. They’re hoping to loop Angela into their voting bloc, but Kellyn and Desiree are unbreakable at this point. Also, James remembers that Michael wrote his name down during an earlier Tribal Council.

Naviti gets triumphant music, with Bradley returning to the beach where he originated. So, maybe he’ll stop his bitching for a half a minute. Dom thinks he’s in control of this group, but Bradley got a taste of being the guy “in charge” and he liked it. This might set up some conflict later, and given the personalities involved, it’s sure to be supremely annoying.

Dom is sure that Libby needs to go, because she doesn’t tell him anything he can use. Maybe that’s because Dom is a douchebag. Who knows? Of course, Bradley likes working with Dom, mainly because Dom is one of the few cast members this season who can make Bradley look nice. Well, nicer. Well, not a total garbage person.

It’s time for an Immunity Challenge, which means Probst has arrived! Two tribes will be safe from the vote. For this contest, each tribe will have a caller who will yell out instructions to their tribe mates. Teams will be searching for puzzle pieces throughout a course. Once they have the puzzle pieces, they have to assemble it – still with a blindfold on.

Desiree leads Malolo, and she gets that team to a fairly early lead. Dom is the barker for Naviti, while Wendell is the leader for Yanyuya. Malolo makes no progress despite her yelling at them. Dom takes a calmer approach, starting by describing the puzzle and talking them through it. Wendell forgets one of his bags of puzzle pieces, so Yanyuya is slowed down.

However, Wendell and Dom are so good at describing the puzzle that they quickly catch up to the initially leading Malolo. Wendell leads Yanyuya to immunity first, quickly followed by Dom and Naviti.

For the second time, Desiree has failed terribly on a puzzle. And yet because this season is so boring, you know that Malolo will just send one of James or Michael home. Pagonging seasons are the absolute worst of the worst.

Back at Loser camp (which we will know as Malolo from henceforth), Desiree is obviously bereft. “I just feel like the biggest loser,” she says. Yes, that’s why you’re at Loser camp! Kellyn, who seems to have absolutely no game strategy or thoughtfulness whatsoever, goes to Desiree and asks if she’d be willing to vote out “some muscle” even though, you know, at some point it would be nice to win a challenge. “Fine, as long as it’s not me,” Desiree figures.

Theoretically, the real wild card would be Angela since she has developed a relationship with James (though not a significant one, we imagine) during their time together after the First Great Tribal Swap. But then again, none of the people with her on Malolo is one of the ones who betrayed her previously. Her beef is with Dom and Wendell, safely free from Tribal Council.

Desiree should be the one sent home here. She won’t be, though.

We’re checking the time left in the show, and UGH. Still 20 minutes. Are we really going to drag this out? James and Michael try to figure out how they can work it so they’re not utterly lost tonight. Their strategy is to go to Angela, who is indeed their only real hope. Michael knows. He was at the last Tribal Council with Kellyn and Desiree.

Angela talks about how Dom/Wendell betrayed her and she connected with James and she’s a former military person and now an empty nester and yadda yadda yadda. She seems like a nice lady, but this little inspirational story feels misplaced at the moment.

The camera crew shows a snake slithering across some rocks. They usually edit this in to convey some sort of metaphor. Did they just build up Angela with a sob story only to turn her heel? What the hell?

Kellyn makes the argument that she, Bradley, Sebastian, and Desiree have stuck together, so Angela should hang with them as well. Angela acts weird about it, which freaks Kellyn out.

Metaphorical shark in the water image. Does this mean that Kellyn is a shark circling Angela? Or is Kellyn the snake and Angela is the shark? What are you trying to tell us, Survivor?

At long last, we reach Tribal Council. There is conversation about being the Tribal Council Loser, which obviously makes Desiree nervous. She reminds people that as you get into the game, you don’t necessarily want to go up against “brute strength.” Of course, James and Michael remind the group that you have to get the merge before you start playing those games. Kellyn retorts by saying that the Original Naviti are loyal to each other.

Just wait until Dom and/or Wendell stab her in the back.

Jeff asks the group to explain whether they make decisions with their heart or their head. It’s just filler.

In the voting booth, James votes for Desiree and Desiree votes for James. Why James and Michael weren’t looking for an idol is beyond us. For some reason, James is surprised to realize that he was their choice for elimination. “Great blind side, guys,” he says. We have no idea what show he’s been playing on.

I mean, even Michael voted for James.

Next week, Malolo decides to burn their banner to get rid of bad juju, while everyone over at Naviti is suddenly realizing that Bradley is a dick.

Can we have The Amazing Race back?