This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for December 19-21, 2014
By Curt David
December 18, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Also, for the next month I’ll tell you why Andy Serkis should be nominated for Box Office Prophet’s Calvin Awards (click here:Calvins) as Best Actor. 1. He was the lead actor in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. 2. His stop-motion acting for Gollum and Caesar is as impressive as any other actor’s. 3. And any award show that doesn’t nominate him is just plain wrong*.
For the weekend of December 19th, the three new movies in wide release are The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, Annie, and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.
| The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies | Annie | Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb | WINNER (1 point per category) | |
| Clearest Title | Looks like the third Hobbit movie. | Looks like an Annie remake. | Looks like another Night at the Museum movie. | 1/3 point each for a week with the most recognizable titles ever. |
| Best Genre and Rating | Adventure Fantasy
Rated PG-13 for extended sequences of intense fantasy action violence, and frightening images | Family Musical
Rated PG for some mild language and rude humor | Family Adventure
Rated PG for mild action, some rude humor and brief language | 1/3 point each for the multiple family movies and adventure movies. |
| Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars) | Hobbit, dwarves, wizard And orcs, bats, elves, and armies And a big battle | Little orphan girl Gets “adopted” by rich guy And everyone sings | Statues come to life Need magic or they will die Epic Adventure | While epic battles are cool, the actual best plot might be Night at the Museum. Point. |
| Best Part of Trailer | PROS: Seems epic, the grand conclusion of the Hobbit trilogy, with more battle action than you can imagine
CONS: Technically the trailer didn’t explain a lot, but I’m guessing people already know about the content | PROS: Classic story and songs, with an all-star cast
CONS: It’s a family musical, which isn’t a con, but some people won’t want to watch it | PROS: Looks like a funny adventure with special effects
CONS: Might have non-funny parts, but kids should love it all | I almost split up this point, but I think The Hobbit will win the best trailer this week. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Martin Freeman from The Hobbit trilogy and Sherlock. | Quvenzhané Wallis from Beasts of the Southern Wild. | Ben Stiller from Meet the Parents and Zoolander. | All three have equal coolness. 1/3 point each. |
| Best Cast | Ian McKellen (X-Men), Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean), Evangeline Lilly (Lost), and more! | Jamie Foxx (Ray), Rose Byrne (Bridesmaids), and Cameron Diaz (There’s Something About Mary) | Robin Williams, Owen Wilson, Ricky Gervais, Rebel Wilson, Ben Kingsley, and Dick Van Dyke. | And amazing casts. Another 1/3 point each. |
| Best Street Cred For the Production | Writer/Director/Producer Peter Jackson also did that for the five other Tolkien movies and King Kong. | Writer and Director Will Gluck also directed Easy A. | Director Shawn Levy also directed Big Fat Liar, Date Night, and Real Steel. | Peter Jackson is street cred. Point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies scores 3 and 1/3 points, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb scores 2 and 1/3 points, and Annie scores 1 and 1/3 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked the other Night at the Museum movies, feel free to watch this one. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This week they’ll all get gold stars for tactics of making people reminisce and want to see the movie. “Witness the defining chapter of the Middle-Earth saga,” “It’s a Hard Knock Life,” and “One Final Night to Save the Day.”
Conclusion 3: Just three words: Serkis. Calvins. Nomination.
*The words “is just plain wrong” were added to that sentence. The editors of this column would not allow the original wording of that sentence to be published due to its vulgarity.