The Amazing Race 25 - Episode 9
You're Taking My Tan Off
By David Mumpower
December 5, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
For their part, Kym and Alli do not seem bothered by the conflict. In fact, Kym seems to embrace it, which is why she has been chesty with dentist Jim over the past several legs. Prior to the most recent competition, the bicyclists and the dentists had won five consecutive heats. Last time, Soul Surfers Adam & Bethany used a Fast Pass in order to claim first place for the second time. They had a long dry spell in between the second and eighth heat victories, though.
The Soul Surfers leave at 9:25 PM. The destination is Singapore, and the lateness of departure hints at another bunching of teams. There is also a double U-Turn indicated for this episode, so Brooke could get her wish with regards to the elimination of the bicyclists tonight. The good news for Adam & Bethany is that they had a 45 minute lead on the competition. The bad news is that it is eliminated immediately. The dentists reach the travel agency later (in show time), and they quickly accept the same flight as their companions.
Afterward, the bicyclists arrive, and they are the first team to ask the travel agents to do their job. A few moments after performing a search, the employee notifies the women that they can arrive at 6 a.m., 40 minutes ahead of the two teams previously ahead of them. When Jim finds out, he whisper-barks at Bethany. Then, he laments in a camera monologue that The Amazing Race has a new rule this season preventing teams from changing air travel plans once a reservation has been made. Jim stews (figuratively) while the bicyclists dance (literally). He cannot stand to be trailing anybody, even for a moment. I worry about Jim.
The bicyclists continue to be clever. Quickly determining that they beat the sweet scientists at…everything, they notify the women of the earlier flight. In this manner, they have an earlier flight containing a team that is worse than them. At this point, the bicyclists appear certain to advance. Perhaps as a form of taunting, the editing shows Brooke and Robbie arriving next. They learn that the bicyclists found an earlier flight, and they push down their immediate disappointment long enough to appreciate they’re now in the top three. It won’t last, guys. You’re terrible at this.
Sidenote: Robbie wears a hat that says “Robbie” on it. Does he need that for when he forgets?
There are no flight delays, so the earlier flight does arrive 40 minutes ahead of the final pair of teams. Once the teams are on the ground, the real reason for Brooke’s frustration becomes apparent. The woman with the extremely muscular arms is not in as good a shape as the cyclists. They easily run to the destination, while Brooke complains that she feels like Forrest Gump. Brooke should add jogging to her workout regimen.
There is a Fast Forward available during this leg. Cut to Phil shouting over water rapids beneath him. He is currently positioned at the Flow Rider, a 30,000 gallons per minute man-made surfing area at a water park. If a team can ride this for two minutes, they win the Fast Forward. Hey, wasn’t there a movie made about the surfing ability (and shark bite) of one of this season’s contestants? They didn’t do a dribbling competition during any of the Harlem Globetrotters’ seasons. I’m just sayin’.
Kym and Alli are in first place, so there is no reason for them to attempt the Fast Forward, especially not once they read the description. It might as well say The Team Who Performs the Challenge aka Adam & Bethany will win the Fast Forward. Alli quickly says, “I don’t wanna do it.” Smart woman.
Wait a minute. I am flabbergasted when Kym persuades Alli that they need to try. Alli’s confused expression mirrors my own. What the hell, Kym? There is competitive and then there is crazy. You have a world champion surfer as one of the remaining contestants. Would you challenge Peyton Manning to a passing competition? Garry Kasparov to a chess match? January Jones to a bad acting competition? Have some common sense.
Even Brooke is smart enough to know not to do this. Honest to God. BROOKE.
The sweet scientists and wrestlers engage in a discussion about how to handle the U-Turn. Even though they are hours away from having to worry about it, they may not have a chance to discuss it again. So, all four of them agree that the bicyclists will be chosen. I love how nobody expects them to win the Fast Forward.
Amy & Maya arrive first at an amazing structure. The Marina Bay Sands is a 57-story hotel featuring the SkyPark. This is a flat surface covering 12,400 meters at the TOP of the hotel. It includes an infinity pool, a nightclub, a restaurant and the world’s largest cantilever with observation deck. All of this exists 600 feet in the air. Contestants are being asked to perform a tightrope from one tower to the other. For like the sixth time in the history of the show, my mind screams, “OH HELL NO!”
Alli starts to freak out during the cab ride to the water park. She is starting to have a bad feeling about this. Welcome to 20 minutes ago for everybody else, Alli. As if on cue, the editing cuts to the Soul Surfers saying that they want to read the Fast Forward clue “just for fun.” I don’t expect Kym and Alli to have much fun with it. Adam mentions surfing and Bethany’s head snaps up so fast that you would think someone yelled “shark!”
Sorry, I swear I gave Soul Surfer a positive review and love Bethany as a competitor.
Adam is surprisingly against the idea of trying. Both of them note that it is too risky since they are in first place. Meanwhile, Alli explicitly tells Kym that they have to do the surfing fast in case somebody else shows up. The look on Kym’s face transparently identifies that she had not considered the competition enough until this moment.
Needy Brooke takes this opportunity to wish that Maya, currently in first place, falls off the tightrope so that Brooke could surpass her. The fact that Maya would have nightmares about that for the rest of her life is much less important to Brooke than a quickly forgotten moment in first place. For no apparent reason, not-too-swift Robbie (as stated on his hat) says that Maya has to get the clue and come back. Brooke all but curls up in the fetal position on this announcement, having failed to realize that this is a round-trip tightrope walk.
After Maya easily finishes, Brooke makes it about two steps before complaining. She also notes that she should be able to beat Maya, because she “kicks people for a living.” Fake-kicking people is not the same as kicking them, Brooke. They are paid to let you do that.
Cut to Adam and Bethany going for the Fast Forward. Kym & Alli had better be perfect. They probably have about six chances before the professional surfer arrives. The first attempt ends in a face-plant for Alli, which is a metaphor for the entire Fast Forward. She lasts 19 seconds out of the needed 120. During this period, Kym shouts instructions about bent knees and the like, which only seems to irritate and distract her teammate. For her part, Kym looks like she could do this while eating a hearty lunch and possibly juggling. Alli does express growing optimism that she can complete the challenge.
What happens next is simply bad luck. Alli appears to be getting the hang of the process. She struggles a bit at first. Still, she looks focused and determined. A hilarious clock display reveals the impending danger. At the 1:53 mark, the camera cuts to outside, where the soul surfers have arrived at the building. Kym and Alli pretty much have to complete this heat if they want to win the Fast Forward. And if they don’t win the Fast Forward, they are mega-screwed.
At the 1:30 mark, Alli almost wipes out but saves herself at the last moment. At the 1:15 mark, Adam and Bethany arrive. Kym notices immediately, and let’s just say that she has the crazy eyes when she does. As long as they surf for another 75 seconds, the soul surfers will have arrived just in time to discover that they have badly miscalculated. It feels like we are looking at the loser of tonight’s leg. The question is which team.
Alli also notices the arrival of the competition. She clearly has a sinking feeling, but she does not lose her balance. Meanwhile, Bethany freaks out in frustration, because she thinks she has caused her husband’s elimination. She has not. At 1:02, Kym is the one who briefly loses her balance before recovering. The commotion of her shout causes Alli to lose her balance. She falls on her face again, 58 seconds short of winning the Fast Forward. Had the soul surfers hit one more red light, the entire season of The Amazing Race could have ended differently.
The two teams are forced to alternate from that point forward. The only surprise is that Adam & Bethany fail on their first attempt.
The sweet scientists do not lose this leg, but you would never know it from their outcry during the Detour. The first team to arrive, they are provided the choice of China Cups or Chili Crabs. The latter requires a team to crack open lobsters until they have two pounds of meat, which seems easy to me. The former is deep tissue massage using glass cups for suction. There is also fire involved. The moment I hear the words “fire” and “massage,” I decide that Chili Crabs is the obvious call. The sweet scientists focus on massage…and make a horrible decision.
The Amazing Race leads to some fascinating overreactions. Exhibit A occurs during this episode, and it proves to be important to the final result. The wrestlers arrive in time to see the sweet scientists packing their stuff to head out for the ill-fated massage. They ask where the clue box is. Maya is currently packing, so Amy tries to direct them to the correct area. Brooke and Robbie take offense to this, feeling that Maya disrespected them. I watched the incident about four times.
Unless there is something unaired that was missed, this entire “incident” is in their head. Maya cannot point due to her hands being full. That’s it. The wrestlers act like she is their personal Hitler. Also, none of this would even have happened if the two of them could find a clue on their own. They literally walk right past it while whining. How they have made it this far in the race while being this incompetent eludes me. Maybe I should ask Robbie’s hat since it’s the brains of the operation.
The dentists are next to walk the tightrope. Jim actually falls off the rope, which makes him grateful for all of the supporting wires. He will wake up screaming about this for decades to come. It must be absolutely terrifying to be held up by wires 600 feet in the air. To his credit, he performs admirably the second time through. I am not a fan of uber-confident Jim, but I do have to say it’s refreshing to see a reality show egomaniac who actually backs up his bluster.
The poor, naïve sweet scientists talk about how awesome their massage is going to be. Then, it devolves into the type of audio generally heard in a gorno movie. Maya starts screaming like her body is on fire. And the actual fire has not been employed yet! For the next several minutes, she wails like a banshee, making sounds generally only heard during adult movies and actual murders. I bet some lobster meat would taste great right about now, right Maya?
The real action of the episode continues to transpire at the Flow Rider. The governor calls for Alli and Kym when soul surfer Adam fails to surf soul-ly enough. His fall gives the cyclists another opportunity. Adam fears the worst, noting that Alli (!) has perfect form. Ironically, amusingly, and confusingly, Kym is the one who chokes. She manages only 15 seconds of surfing before collapsing under the pressure of competition. The soul surfers immediately succeed in their second attempt, earning the Fast Forward. The cyclists are, in fact, mega-screwed.
For the first time this season, there is discord among the tight-knit women. Alli states that she “knew they shouldn’t have done this” and that “I didn’t want to do this at all” while Kym grows annoyed. She knows all too well that after being damned impressive throughout the race, they just took a chance for no good reason when they were already in first place. They will need a miracle to survive this leg. The good news is that The Amazing Race ordinarily employs the non-elimination tactic when good teams finish last.
The soul surfers finish first, earning a trip to Bali in the process. Are there sharks in Bali? Bethany notes the chaotic nature of this leg. They started in first place, screwed up at the travel agency, fell to last place, took a calculated risk, were a minute away from losing it, and wound up in first place, headed to Bali. What an amazing journey. I smell Soul Surfer sequel!
The dentists select the lobster side. Humorously, they complain about the heat of the lobsters. If only they knew that miles away, their friends are having flamed cups embedded on their backs. By the time they finish, Amy’s back looks like she lost a fight with a flaming puma. In order to distract themselves, they talk to the recently arrived wrestlers about the U-Turn. Everyone agrees to pick the cyclists.
Way behind, Kym & Alli start ripping through the challenges. Kym quickly finishes the tightrope. Little does she realize that her fate is being determined elsewhere. Amy & Maya…U-Turn Adam & Bethany. I should note that they have already finished the leg by the time the U-Turn is used against them.
The wrestlers arrive and…turn heel. They choose not to U-Turn anyone despite their earlier promise. The explanation for this is base petulance. They’re mad at Mara for having the audacity to have her hands full when they needed her to figure out their clue for them.
The sweet scientists bump into the wrestlers and query them about their misstep. Brooke & Robbie lamely explain that they were confused, promising to go back to fix the mistake. Then, they absolutely do not go back to fix their mistake. They even gloat about their behavior. Meanwhile, Amy & Maya spend the cab ride discussing the stupidity of the wrestlers. It’s the jocks against the nerds for the rest of The Amazing Race!
Kym & Alli choose the China Cups, which I think is the slower of the two options. They should be choosing the fastest one at every turn. They are relieved to see that they have not been U-Turned (way to go, Robbie’s Hat!), and the editing tries to convince us that the scientists are in jeopardy. It’s a ridiculous attempt, though. The best case scenario is that they are a half hour behind the scientists, who are in turn behind the wrestlers (second place) and dentists (third place).
Kym and Alli cry when they drive to the finish line, knowing that they are in last. The only question is whether this is a non-elimination leg. Since the cyclists are the best team this season (at worst, they are top three), I hope for what I expect. To my surprise and frustration, this IS an elimination leg. Kym and Alli’s greed has cost them any chance of winning The Amazing Race this season. I hope they return for an All-Star season, because they are a fun tandem who should learn from their (epic) blunder.