Survivor San Juan Del Sur Recap
Episode 4
We're a Hot Mess
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
October 15, 2014

Sorry, I just woke up. Who did you say was always sleeping?

Previously on Survivor, our patience was rewarded. Two of the three people we despised before the season even began are gone, so as soon as Natalie joins her sister at Ponderosa, we’ll be able to watch the show and evaluate some real gameplay.

Yes, last week John Rocker was voted out (with an idol in his pocket), so Koyopa will be dealing with the fallout from that decision. Over at Hunahpu, Natalie will probably credit herself for this turn of events, which will hopefully mean that her tribe mates will get sick of her and vote her out as well. The preview indicates that her tribe will be looking to throw a challenge, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed! Actually, we’re generally against throwing challenge, but we’re willing to make an exception in this case.

The show gets right into it by throwing us right into Coyopa’s return from Tribal Council. Needless to say, Baylor is thrilled that she’s still in the game. Alec explains that they really weren’t winning anyway, so why not vote out the guy who’s a complete honking doofus? For his part, Dale figures that since he was left out of the voting strategy for the Rocker elimination, he’s probably in some trouble if they lose the next Immunity Challenge.

Hey! We’re going to spend a little time with Hunahpu tonight. (That’s probably a good indication that they’re going to Tribal Council.) Anyway, you know how that thing you lose is always in the last place you look? And is always the most obvious place you should have looked? Natalie finds the flint that Jon had lost. It’s sitting conveniently by the fire pit. The scary thought is that this tribe is beating the other tribe. Alec claims that the fact that they had to trade their fishing gear for flint means that he is “literally starving to death.” We’re pretty sure that no matter what contract you signed when you went on the show, the producers are not going to allow you to starve or die.

Amazingly, Drew doesn’t stop talking there. Kelley takes this opportunity to impersonate him. We don’t know how accurate it is, but judging from her tone, he has not shut up about losing the fishing gear for a while. And as we know from the previous episode, he also has a problem with narcolepsy. We do not see a showmance in the future for Kelly and Drew.

At this point Drew describes himself as the tribe leader, and is convinced that as the island’s Lincoln, he can persuade Jeff Probst to return the fishing gear. We can’t wait to hear that conversation. We also can’t wait for him to be voted off, which is funny because at the start of the episode we didn’t know which brother was Alec and which brother was Drew.

“Without me, these people would be nothing, you know?” says the guy who slept through the last episode.

And here’s Probst. He’s totally gonna turn the snark up to 11 when Drew asks him about the flint. The announcement that Rocker was voted off meets with a standing ovation. These idiots think it’s due to their influence. We picture them watching last week’s episode as they hang their heads in shame at how poorly they misread his position in the tribe. Then again, they’re probably just going, “Hey, look! I’m on the tee-vee!”

Julie takes a moment to be defensive about Rocker’s elimination, but she doesn’t have to worry too much about it, because Drew is already asking about trading the flint for fishing gear. In a nine-member tribe, we are not exaggerating when we say that five of them exchange looks about what an idiot he is. Throughout the mocking, he is saying that he is the only one with the courage to bring it up. All he needs is a jester’s hat to complete the effect.

Unlike Amazon, Survivor does not have a return policy. Probst tells him to put the flint away. We don’t know who Drew is, but he’s less popular than Congress. The rest of Hunahpu giggles with relief when Probst announces it’s time for the first challenge.

It’s another challenge where loved one fights loved one. Today’s bout features Jon versus Jaclyn. Each Survivor must toss a grappling hook to reel in three different bags full of balls. Once they’re retrieved, the contestant has to put a ball on one side of a platform and then jump on the other side to aim it toward a basket. Although Jaclyn gets out to an early lead, Jon soon laps her and has gotten a good ways ahead. There are five basket targets, and the final basket is like the one at the carnival that is rigged to make sure you don’t get the stuffed animal.

Eventually, they’re both down to the final basket. It takes several attempts, but Jon finally wins Reward for his tribe. After Probst quizzes Jaclyn on whether she can handle Exile Island (of course she can), Jon has to choose someone from his own tribe to go with her. Drew, who has hero complex, volunteers readily. Jon doesn’t hesitate to send him on his way. Hooray for a few hours without that guy!

To his credit, Jon is nice enough to try to choose a reward that will give something to Drew when he returns. This makes Kelley roll her eyes and sigh heavily. We’re starting to worry that Natalie won’t be eliminated this episode. C’mon, dummies!

We follow Hunahpu back to camp after their victory, and Jon is feeling a little guilty about sending his girlfriend to Exile Island with Drew because he figures Jaclyn is going to have to do all the work. The group asks Julie if she’s okay with Rocker being gone, and she says yes, because she’s now free to play her own game unencumbered. The look on Jeremy’s face says that he finds her guilty by association. Since she pretty much absolves Rocker for his bad behavior (past and during the game), we can’t really blame him.

Over at Exile Island, Jaclyn and Drew have found the idol clue, which Drew thinks is pretty sweet. Maybe he’ll actually, you know, look for it. The conversation then turns to the fact that Jaclyn has heard from Alec that Drew is a ladies’ man. He says that yeah, he is, and it’s kind of a curse.

“The fact that I’m a ladies’ man seems to work to my advantage, but I haven’t been trying to work that angle too much.” (That’s because all the girls on your tribe find you repulsive.)

But wait! There’s more. Drew yammers on about how he’s friends with Jon so he doesn’t want to flirt inappropriately with Jaclyn (though he’s very impressed that she was Miss Michigan). Then, when she starts talking about how she hopes Koyopa doesn’t lose again, Drew flat-out says that he plans to throw the next challenge because there are some snakes on his tribe that need to be eliminated. For Drew, snakes=girls. He probably thinks they’re snakes because they haven’t cottoned to his many charms. Jaclyn is Miss Michigan. Drew is Mr. Delusion.

We’re not even halfway through the episode and we’re already ready to play “It’s anyone but Drew.”

We visit Hunahpu’s camp again and thank goodness Keith is trying to find the idol. He thinks he’s too late to find it, figuring Jeremy has found it before him. So… Keith goes over to all of the other players and tells them that Jeremy has an idol. Then, all those other people turn around and go tell Jeremy that Keith told them that Jeremy has an idol. Since Jeremy thought he and Keith were allies, this makes him angry. He points out that Keith has been looking for an idol so it’s just as likely that the Louisiana firefighter has one himself. Maybe Drew isn’t in as much trouble as we thought he was.

Somehow, Keith decides that he ought to look around for the idol some more, and lo and behold, he finds it. Then, he says that he won’t tell anyone he has it, thereby demonstrating the same behavior that supposedly bothered him when he thought Jeremy had the idol. They’re weaving a complex web tonight.

It’s time to visit Koyopa, and we see Baylor and Alec fighting over who can hold the clue. She says that even though he’s two years older than her, he feels like a bossy little brother to her. We assume she means that it in a Lannister twins sort of way.

Alec reads the Immunity Challenge clue, which explicitly states, “a precision throw could keep you alive.” Gee, it sure would be nice to have a former Major League Baseball pitcher for this challenge. Well, maybe not John Rocker.

Besides obviously having a chip on his shoulder about Drew being lazy and never doing any chores when they were growing up as kids, Alec is also trying to position himself as the tribe leader. Much like Drew, his tribe mates don’t seem to be having any of it – or at least Baylor doesn’t. She’s the only one he’s really trying to lead.

Probst sighting! He’s standing on an Octagon of Awesomeness. Drew is still pondering throwing the challenge. We laugh at his lack of self-awareness.

In today’s Immunity Challenge, the teams will swim out through a sort of obstacle course. Once they’ve reached the other end, they’ll retrieve a ring. Once they have brought back all their rings, they have to toss them onto a target. First one to get all their rings on the target wins.

Although Baylor gets out to an early lead on the first leg of the challenge, Reed takes over in the second one. Natalie allows Alex back in the game, but they’re pretty much even after two legs. Wes is able to get well ahead of his father, and they’re back first and ready to start throwing their rings. Hunahpu isn’t far behind, though.

Of course, as Probst tells us, “Drew is singlehandedly losing this for his tribe!” He keeps throwing the wrong rings (there’s some sort of unclear requirement about which ones can be thrown at what time) and then he is pretty obviously missing deliberately. And so…

Koyopa. Wins. Immunity!

We cut to Drew saying that he threw the challenge on purpose (which was obvious to anyone with his eyes, probably including his own teammates).

“If I don’t want to win, we’re not going to win. And that’s what makes me the kingpin of my tribe,” Drew says. He truly believes that he’s about to vote out a “snake.” At this point, we see absolutely no reason to stop playing “It’s Anyone But Drew.” John Rocker had two really bad episodes in a row, but Drew’s Survivor performance is epically bad.

Wow. Drew just keeps talking. “Basically, I’m a badass and a manipulator of this game.”

It’s really adorable how Survivor is going to try to make us think that Drew isn’t getting voted out at Tribal Council. Jon has a strategy. He’s thinking that at merge, the individuals might vote out the duos, so it makes some sense to eliminate someone like Julie. A lot of people are onboard with this because 1) John Rocker and 2) She’s been kind of worthless in challenges. Then, Drew comes up and says he wants Kelley gone. Apparently something has gone down between these two that we haven’t seen, because the animosity is strong between them.

Then, of course, we have Jeremy, who wants Keith gone for the theoretical backstabbing he pulled earlier. Rather than have a conversation, Drew does the equivalent of stomping his feet and holding his breath to get his way.

We’re also alarmed to note that Natalie appears to be within this group’s power alliance.

Anyway, the discussion basically boils down to Drew pissing off Jeremy more than Keith had pissed off Jeremy. Let’s count Jeremy as a vote for Drew.

Next, Natalie approaches Missy and tells her that Drew is plotting to eliminate the women one by one. We’ll count Missy and Natalie as Drew votes as well.

Meanwhile, Drew continues his tirade against Kelley, who hears him. Obviously, Kelley is going to be a Drew vote. That’s four. One more and he’s gone. We’re not even to Tribal Council yet. And we haven’t even gotten to the allies of his haters yet.

Also, we haven’t touched on Julie’s vote. Presumably, she’s going to go with Drew as well.

Tribal Council continues to try to lead us down a Not Drew path. Jeremy calls out Keith for the idol situation, and Keith tries to argue that Jeremy would have betrayed him otherwise. Jeremy says that they could have had a sub-alliance of two, but Keith doesn’t think that’s a possible thing. Jeremy tells him, “It’s a thing in Survivor,” which is true. If Keith was hoping to gain allies for this move, it really backfired, because both Missy and Natalie openly mock him for it. There’s enough derision that he might become uncomfortable enough to play his idol.

Jon flat out says he has no idea what name he’s even supposed to write down right now.

It’s time for the vote, and Jeff calls for people to use the immunity idol. They all look around but Keith holds strong.

When Jeff reads the votes, the order is Julie, Kelley, Drew, Keith, Julie, Drew, Drew, Drew. His belief that the ladies were conspiring against him was a self-fulfilling prophecy. (And as we ascertained earlier, Jeremy was a fifth vote for him.)

The Drew Show is cancelled after one episode.