This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for March 28-30, 2014
By Curt David
March 29, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of March 28th, the new films in wide release are Noah and Sabotage, with Cesar Chavez getting a smaller release, and Bad Words and The Grand Budapest Hotel are expanding to several more theaters. (In other words, every city gets the first two movies, and you can check local listings to see if you get one of the last three movies).
| Noah | Sabotage | Cesar Chavez | Bad Words | The Grand Budapest Hotel | WINNER (1 point per category) | |
| Clearest Title | I’ve heard of him | One word action title | People should hear about him! | Two word comedy | A movie about a hotel? | Noah and Cesar Chavez win for being biographies. 1/2 point each. |
| Best Genre and Rating | Adventure
Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images and brief suggestive content | Action
Rated R for strong bloody violence, pervasive language, some sexuality/nudity and drug use | Biography
Rated PG-13 for some violence and language | Comedy
Rated R for crude and sexual content, language and brief nudity | Comedy
Rated R for language, some sexual content and violence | Many types of movies. 1/5 point each (I don’t say that fraction too often) |
| Best Plot (in haiku form) | Story of Noah Russell Crowe and Hermoine Will they survive flood? | DEA gets drugs Cartel starts revenge killing Which good guy is bad? | Cesar Chavez film How farm workers got their rights Awesome true story | Because of loophole Man does spelling bee for kids Comedy ensues | Man works in hotel Sleeps around. Lover gets killed. Cops thinks it was him. | Noah and Cesar Chavez. Both good stories. 1/2 point each. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Looks epic, grand production, big movie
CONS: I don’t remember the sword-firewall moment in the Bible | PROS: Stars famous people with lots of guns and shooting
CONS: If you don’t like Arnold movies... | PROS: Looks good. This is a civil rights true story that everyone should know
CONS: None. | PROS: This seems like a quirky film mixed with dry humor and action humor
CONS: May be more interesting than non-stop funny? Or it could be good | PROS: It’s a Wes Anderson film for those of you who like those films.
CONS: It’s a Wes Anderson film for those of you who don’t. | Cesar Chavez is hands down the best trailer. 1 point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Russell Crowe from Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind | Arnold Schwarzenegger from The Terminator and Predator. | Michael Pena from End of Watch and Shooter. | Jason Bateman from Arrested Development and Juno. | Ralph Fiennes from Harry Potter and Schindler’s List. | Good guys. 1/5 point each. |
| Best Cast | Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson, and Nick Nolte. | Joe Manganiello, Sam Worthington, Josh Holloway, and Terrence Howard. | Rosario Dawson, America Ferrera, and John Malkovich | Allison Janney | Jude Law, Bill Murray, Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, and many more. | Also really good casts. The Budapest Hotel wins this point, though. |
| Best Street Cred For the Production | Writer and director Darren Aronofsky also directed The Wrestler and Black Swan. | Director David Ayer also directed End of Watch and Street Kings. | Director Diego Luna has acted in Milk, The Terminal, and Elysium. | Director Jason Bateman has directed seven different TV episodes (including one of Family Matters!) | Writer and director Wes Anderson also wrote and directed Rushmore, Moonrise Kingdom, and Fantastic Mr. Fox. | And why not? Another 1/5 point each. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Cesar Chavez scores 2 and 3/5 points, Noah scores 1 and 3/5 points (and a gold star), The Grand Budapest Hotel also scores 1 and 3/5 points, and Bad Words and Sabotage each score 3/5's of point.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like action biblical epics that cause rumors of not being biblically accurate, feel free to watch Noah. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Cesar Chavez is the best movie to watch this weekend (if it’s not showing in your city, drive a couple hours to see it).
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This week, my man Noah wins with “The end of the world...is just the beginning.”
Conclusion 3: I’ve only seen one Wes Anderson film (don’t take away my movie street cred and stop reading this column). It was The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou...and I didn’t get it.
*Statistic is completely made up.