Survivor: Cagayan Episode 1 - Part 2
Hot Girl With a Grudge
By Jim Van Nest, Survivor Analyst
March 1, 2014

Poker players everywhere are embarrassed by you.

Hello, good people, and thanks for joining me as I finish up telling you all about the premiere episode of Survivor: Cagayan. When I left you, Marlins President David Samson had just been voted out and Kass was on the outside looking in on the Brains tribe. Over at Beauty, Brice has struck up an alliance with Morgan AND they have fire. And at Brawn, they're pretty much just kicking ass.

The second half of the show begins on Day 4 at the Brains camp. Garrett tells us that he was glad that David went home last night. He also talks about how he's not having fun on Survivor at all. He doesn't enjoy the outdoors and the surviving part. I blame producers for not explaining to him that Survivor is an outdoorsy kinda game. Garrett and Spencer are setting it up to vote out Kass next, as she's on an island right now. Flip to Garrett talking to Kass about how he wants to play the game with her and Spencer. They try to sell an alliance to her and she realizes right away that she's a swing vote between the guys and the other girls. She's concerned, though, that joining either side makes her she's not keen on joining any alliance. She seems to have the Sandra strategy of "as long as it's not me."

We come back from break to the Brawn tribe as Cliff and Woo (Hang Dai, Woo! Hang Dai!) are headed out to sea in their boat. Huh?? The tribe has a boat? Cliff tells us that Woo is his wing man, and then compares him to Robin and Scottie Pippen. Good thing Woo didn't hear that...I mean, who wants to be Pippen, am I right? After a little while on the water and working out how to maneuver the boat, they get to leaning just a little too far and the entire boat tips over dumping both guys into the water. A good laugh is had by all. As Cliff and Tony dump water out of the boat, Sarah tells us that everyone loves them some Cliff. Tony tells us that Lindsay, Sarah and Woo all love Cliff. So he's a little concerned about that, as he should be.

Checking in with Beauty, the scene is hilarious. The entire tribe is standing around watching LJ machete a coconut. Not on a rock or anything like most people would do it, but he's chopping at this thing in his hands. Add to it that he is stripped down to his underwear AND wearing work boots and it's just a hilarious screen cap to see. Brice starts to break it down for us as he's carefully watching everyone. He says that Alexis is trying to play the flirt card. She's doing nothing but trying to woo people with her looks. He's not sure what to think of Jefra. They mix in an awesome scene of Jefra asking everyone about their bathroom usage (or lack thereof) since they've been there. Brice tells us that all of her crayons in the box are not bright.

Jeremiah and Morgan seem to have struck a friendship. Morgan is quick to let us know that she only sees him as a friend but that she could probably reel him in at any time. We see a scene of Morgan talking about where she lives (Silicon Valley) and that the "nerd tribe" would love where she lives. Um, sweetie...not everyone who's smart is a nerd. At least one of those nerds, like you, was an NFL cheerleader. In this episode I've already gone back and forth on Morgan...but I think my initial impression was correct. She's a mean girl. I'm sure this will play itself out at some point.

Brice can see that Jeremiah is stricken with Morgan. He wants to play wingman and set it up so Jeremiah can be closer to Morgan by pulling him into their mini-alliance. He strikes up a conversation with Jeremiah and Morgan suggesting they need to be the brains of this tribe...and thus a new three-person alliance is born. Brice goes on to tell us that the rest of the tribe might have looked at him thinking he'd be the fourth girl on the tribe, but he is there to play the game. And thus far, I think he's looking pretty good. We'll really see how he's doing when/if they lose an immunity challenge.

Over at Brawn, trouble is a-brewing. Trish calls out Lindsay for not helping out around camp. We've seen very little of what Lindsay does around camp, but we do see Trish giving her the business about doing nothing. Lindsay lets us know that she hates her some Trish and how dare she and all that. Meanwhile, Tony sees this as an opportunity to reach out to Trish. He lets her know that he sees what she sees and they might be alone out there, so they need to get together. He tells us that he appreciates Trish's work ethic and that she's out there busting her butt every day. He tells Trish she needs to be strong and not let the other people get into her head. He then tells her he's working on something, which he'll fill her in on when it's finished. He tells us he's creating a spy shack (#spyshack #really? #wtf? #theyllneverfigurethatout) so that he can listen in on conversations inside the shelter. His main target is Cliff and then he starts talking about killing lions and the Cubs (#theyrealreadydead).

And with that, it's time for another Probst sighting!! Today's immunity challenge is a good one. Each tribe will have to swim out to a big bamboo box. Once the entire tribe is at the box, they'll need to scale the side and jump inside. Under the water are a handful of fish traps with, you guessed it, puzzle pieces. Before they can get out of the box, they'll have to untie a series of ropes to open the gate. Once open, they'll lug these traps, which aren't light, out of the cage and up to the beach. Once they reach the beach, one person from the tribe will put together the puzzle. First tribe to finish wins immunity and a fully stocked fishing kit. Second place tribe wins immunity and a very simple small fishing kit. Third tribe, a date with Jeff at Tribal Council. Brawn and Beauty, you need to sit someone out. Brice will sit for Beauty and Cliff for Brawn. Survivors ready? Go!

And they're off. Beauty and Brawn are both out of the gate quickly; Brains has fallen behind. J'Tia is apparently not a very strong swimmer and almost immediately, she has Brains falling out of this challenge. Brawn is first inside the cage, followed by Beauty and then finally Brains. And then all of a sudden, something crazy happens. Brains catch up. They are actually the first tribe to open their gate and start back to the beach. Garrett proves to be an absolute beast on this leg of the challenge. The Brain tribe gets back to the beach WAY before anyone else. Brawn is making progress and Beauty is completely out of it. J'Tia begins working on the puzzle for Brains and Sarah begins the puzzle for Brawn. In typical Brawn fashion, Sarah's hand is cut and bleeding all over the puzzle. Tony cut his foot real bad and is bleeding all over the planks. Despite being a little behind, Sarah quickly overtakes J'Tia and is in the lead at this point. There's not much drama here as Sarah just kills this puzzle and Brawn wins immunity and a huge fishing kit.

Beauty finally finds their way to the beach after J'Tia has had forever to figure this puzzle out. She only has one piece in at this point. LJ takes on the puzzle for Beauty and quickly overtakes J'Tia. When all is said and done, despite an almost insurmountable lead over BOTH tribes, J'Tia manages to allow both of them to catch up to her, pass her and win immunity while she managed to place a whopping two pieces in her puzzle. So let's see...she's bossy, built a horrible shelter, has alienated almost everyone on her tribe and just lost an un-losable challenge. That means...

It's time to play "It's anyone but J'Tia!! But first, we have to check in with the Brawn tribe. They're totally pumped to have won this challenge. Sarah is queen for the day as she dominated that puzzle. She tells us that she and Tony cut the crap out of themselves, but they're okay. Tony tells us that he was sure there would be some kind of idol clue in the fishing basket. And sure enough, right inside a wooden tackle box is a clue to the idol. Lucky for him, he finds it without anyone else seeing it. The clue may as well have included the idol; it was that specific. As he sprints off to the pond behind camp, Tony feels pretty sure he knows exactly where the idol is. Mere moments later, he comes up with a nice hidden immunity idol. He tells us how much he needed this idol, does some celebrating, makes some NSFW noises and tells us that he plans to tell no one that he has the idol. THAT explains why we're seeing Brawn when Brains is the tribe that lost, doesn't it?'s time to play "It's anyone but J'Tia"!! Over at the Brains tribe, Garrett tells us that since J'Tia blew the challenge, she is really the only option for the vote. What happens next is definitely not something you'll find in the Boston Rob Rulebook. Garrett decides to have an open forum discussion about who to vote out. Garrett's plan here is to save his idol by airing everything in a group. Kass starts by saying that J'Tia essentially lost the challenge in every facet. Spencer says that it's important to keep the tribe strong and start winning. Garrett's contribution is "Yeah" and the Tasha says that she'd prefer to talk to people not in a group setting as she doesn't feel that everyone is being candid. Garrett once again says he'd rather just talk about in a group and avoid all the side conversations. So let me get this straight. He doesn't like the outdoors part. He doesn't like the surviving part. And he doesn't like the strategy part. Exactly why in the hell is he on my TV screen right now? There are thousands of people who apply for this show every single season and would die to get on it...and I'm stuck watching this idiot who not only doesn't know how to play the game, doesn't even WANT to play the game? Seriously dude...head back to the card table, 'cause you're wasting my time and keystrokes.

ANYway...Tasha is very frustrated that she is not able to actually play the game. She tells Garrett that she wants to talk to him and Spencer and he refuses. He says he doesn't want to do that anymore. "So quit!!!" Exactly, Tasha. Exactly. We head to break with Tasha telling us that this is Survivor and if you don't want to play the game, get out of here! I agree with the young lady from the 314!

When we return from break, J'Tia tells us that her tribe has decided that she's going home. What's funny is that she actually seems surprised by this. She is one of the few Survivors ever that has had a quantifiable negative impact on her tribe. Her tribe literally, not figuratively or exaggeratedly, would be in better shape if she had never been there. Think about that for a second. In 28 seasons, have we ever been able to say this about a player in such definite terms? As more talking happens around the fire, Garrett is still trying to defend his "no side convos" policy and J'Tia is getting more and more sarcastic and ignorant. Spencer tells us about Garrett's open forum and what a moronic thing it was to do. He says that now they have to babysit the girls to make sure nothing changes. Fade to Tasha starting a talk with Kass about how they can change up the game. In the middle of Tasha's sales pitch, Garrett and Spencer come down to see what's up, leaving J'Tia alone at camp. Kass is real quick to say something about leaving her alone up there and who knows what she'll do. Garrett is such an idiot that he wants the four of them to all stay together.

Meanwhile up around the campfire, J'Tia is channeling Brandon Hantz and pours the full pot of rice onto the fire. Like, the whole thing. Are you frickin' kidding me? What kind of psycho idiot do you have to be to pull a stunt like this? You are one of the worst Survivors of all time. And you're pissed because you're going home? Here's an idea, solve a puzzle. Do something useful. Now, you've destroyed the food source of your entire tribe. At exactly the same time as your girl is trying to figure out a way to save your sorry ass! Amazing! The worst part is she starts telling us about it and laughing like it's the funniest thing ever. No remorse. No nothing.

As the group comes back to camp, Kass notices the rice and asks who poured it on the fire. J'Tia says she has no idea. What's really amazing here is the fact that no one seems too angry about it. Almost as if it was expected. Um, really? How are they not losing their mind right now? I just got word that Phillip Sheppard just kicked J'Tia out of Stealth R Us! How are these people saying nothing? Hell, Kass even looks at Garrett as if it's partially his fault for leaving J'Tia alone? Are you serious? Kass does ask a good question about what the criteria for "Brain" is in this game. At this point, it appears to be anything but. She also tells us that she was planning on coming up to turn the game around with J'Tia, but she can't align with someone who'd pour the rice out.

And we're off to Tribal Council. Jeff starts with Spencer. He tells him how they decided to have the open forum, which you don't normally do in Survivor. Tasha tells Jeff that they were candid about J'Tia being the reason for the challenge loss. She also tells Jeff that she wanted to have some side conversations, but Garrett wouldn't allow it. Jeff asks him what the strategy behind this was. He says that he wanted to show Kass that they were going to work with her. Basically prove themselves to her. J'Tia jumps in to say that she wanted to get back at Garrett, so she poured the rice on the fire. Yep, all of it. "It wasn't my best moment." You don't say!

Tasha chimes in that this is exactly why she wanted to have the side conversations. She knew J'Tia was volatile. Jeff explains to them that blindsides work for a reason. He needs to explain to Garrett that he's supposed to dig up. Because right now, he's not doing that. Kass lies to Jeff, saying that the girls were washing their feet and Garrett left J'Tia alone to watch them wash feet. Let's call it what it was. You were strategizing, Kass. You were strategizing AGAINST Garrett. He may be an idiot, but he knew what you were doing down there. She goes on to suggest that they lost 98% of their food so Garrett could watch them wash their feet. And just like that, it's now Garrett's fault the food is gone, not the out of control bitch who through it in the fire. Are you kidding me?!?

And to make matters worse, Garrett keeps talking. Somewhere in there he mentions his alliance... er... tribe. He points out that Tasha is not part of the alliance and then tries to cover his ass and tell Tasha she's back in the alliance. He completely turns Kass against him and he makes Spencer embarrassed to be in an alliance with him. Basically every word out of his mouth makes it a little worse and a little worse. I'm actually starting to think that when this show is over, J'Tia will have wasted a day building a crappy shelter, bossed everyone all over camp, had the worst challenge meltdown in the history of Survivor and thrown her tribes entire food supply in the fire...and SHE MIGHT STICK AROUND! What the hell kind of bizarro season of Survivor am I watching here???

I guess it's time to vote. We see Garrett's vote for J'Tia. We see J'Tia's vote for Garrett. Spencer's vote for J'Tia comes along with this gem, "The fact that you're a nuclear engineer is genuinely, genuinely scary." Jeff goes to tally the votes, but I think we already know what's gonna happen. It essentially comes down to Kass' vote and she voted for Garrett. Garrett just blew the unblowable Tribal Council...all while having a hidden immunity idol! (#blindside, #worsttribeever, #deservewhatevertheyget).

So in 27 seasons of this show (plus two hours of season 28), I don't know that I've ever seen a worse played game of Survivor ever. And in all phases of the game.

1) Outplay - That was the worst challenge performance by a single person ever. No one has ever had a lead that a three team challenge where all you have to do is not be third. Congratulations, J' are the worst challenge performer in the history of Survivor.

2) Outlast - Sure, why not throw out the rice on Day 5. That's a great idea. What if you stay around? You realize that you now have nothing to eat. And how can you be surprised that they want you voted out when all you've done is wasted an entire day telling everyone how to build a shelter that fell apart as soon as a 110 pound person sat on it? Then you took an absolutely insurmountable lead in a challenge and coughed it up to two teams. And you're shocked they want to vote you out???

3) Outwit - This is why no one ever tells the person they're going home. Horrible, horrible game play from someone who supposedly makes his living reading people. But that's not even the worst strategy Garrett displayed tonight. He then outlines an alliance at Tribal, showing exactly who's excluded and who's not...and (oh by the way) didn't make sure it was secure, because he didn't want outside conversations. But that wasn't even the worst strategy in the episode. When someone pours out the food, they're gone. Period, end of discussion. Whoever was at the top of the list gets bumped to #2. That is an unforgivable sin in this game. You have no food now and you've left someone who is clearly not stable in the game to wreak more havoc on your tribe. AND...SHE. HAD. THE. WORST. CHALLENGE. EVER!!!!

The final ice cube in this cocktail of ineptitude came at Tribal Council when Garrett managed to get himself voted out by simply continuing to talk. Had it been me, Tribal would have been this simple, "Jeff, I appreciate you have a job to do, but bitch threw out our food, there's nothing to talk about here. Let's vote." My answer to every single question would have been, "She threw out our food."

"So, Garrett, how's camp life been?"

"She threw out our food."

"Garrett, tough loss in the challenge, eh?"

"She threw out our food."

No one should ever do what J'Tia did and be allowed to stay in the game. She's just lucky that she is on what may turn out to be the worst tribe Survivor's ever seen and yes, that includes the men of One World who gave up immunity so they could vote someone out.

Ok, now that I have that off my chest...let's get to the Previews for next week. Tony decides to tell Sarah that he really is a cop. She doesn't seem to take it well. And Mother Nature makes her presence felt. Until next week, take care.