This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for January 10-12, 2014
By Curt David
January 10, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

The internet is really really great (for porn!).
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Sphere), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Nicole Kidman in The Invasion), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 17%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of January 10th, the new film in wide release is The Legend of Hercules, with two films expanding widely: Her and Lone Survivor.



The Legend of HerculesHerLone SurvivorWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleI have heard of him. I have not heard of her. I’m not sure who this person is. Hercules gets the first point.
Best Genre
and Rating		Action
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense combat action and violence, and for some sensuality		Dramedy
Rated R for language, sexual content and brief graphic nudity		Action
Rated R for strong bloody war violence and pervasive language		Her, being the only non-action film, will win this point.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		Hercules Story
Liberties taken with myth
He has a six-pack 		Man is dating girl
Girl just voice from computer
Is it real friendship?		In Afghanistan
Five men take down Taliban
Lose contact with base		Her also has an interesting plot. Another point.
Best TrailerPROS: There’s fighting
CONS: I’m not sure how accurate this is to mythology, nor did the main actor’s dialogue appear anywhere in the trailer (cause for concern?)		PROS: Looks sweet, and thought-provoking, and sad and quirky and funny. Not as strange as I was expecting.
CONS: None, unless the plot is a little too weird for you		PROS: Was engaging, seemed well-done, and based on a true story
CONS: None, unless you have anti-war views		Her and Lone Survivor split the point for the best trailer.
Coolest Lead ActorKellan Lutz from The Twilight movies and Immortals. Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator, Walk the Line, and Signs. Mark Wahlberg from Boogie Nights, The Fighter, and The Italian Job. Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg will split the point for the coolest actor.
Best CastNo stars I recognized yet. Amy Adams (Enchanted), Rooney Mara (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), and Scarlett Johansson (The Avengers)Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights), Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild), and Eric Bana (Hulk)And one more time, Her and Lone Survivor will split the point for best cast.
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Writer and Director Renny Harlin, who also directed Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, and Deep Blue Sea. Writer and Director Spike Jonze also directed Adaptation., Where the Wild Things Are, and Being John Malkovich.Writer and Director Peter Berg also directed Friday Night Lights, Hancock, and Battleship Actually, all three writer/directors will split the point three-ways for best street cred.


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Her scores 3 and 5/6 points, Lone Survivor scores 1 and 5/6 points (and a gold star), and The Legend of Hercules scores 1 and 1/3 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you have crushes on Twilight vampires/werewolves, feel free to watch The Legend of Hercules. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Her is the best movie to watch this weekend (but Lone Survivor doesn’t look bad).
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Lone Survivor’s “Live to tell the story” wins over Her’s “A Spike Jonze Love Story” and Hercules’ “Every man has a destiny.”
Conclusion 3: Kellan Lutz played Poseidon in Immortals, and now he is playing Hercules. If I have my mythology correct, Kellan has played the uncle (Poseidon) and the nephew (Hercules).
Conclusion 4: Every week I write haikus for the movies of 2013. Here is the link to the 100 Highest Grossing Movies of 2013 in haiku form as of January 5th: Haikus!

*Statistic is completely made up.