2013 Films in Haiku
By Curt David
December 30, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Conveniently, I now have an encyclopedia of the films widely released in 2013. Listed alphabetically, the haiku plot of each film will appear below the title. Enjoy and have a Happy New Year!
12 Years a Slave
Black man is free man
Kidnapped, made a southern slave
Won’t lose will to live
2 Guns
Two guys rob a bank
Both undercover agents
Now they’re being chased
21 and Over
Guy turns 21
Has craziest night ever
Super, super drunk
42
Jackie Robinson
Was the first black ball player
This is his story
47 Ronin
Man takes his revenge
On an entire army
But Watch for Dragons
About Time
Guy can time travel
Uses it to win girl’s heart
So what could go wrong?
Admission
Man has a student
Girl works college admissions
Girl is student’s mom?
After Earth
Father/Son in space
Return to abandoned Earth
Fight against nature
American Hustle
Five people do crimes
They do it for a reason
Confusing trailer
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Fired anchormen
Start over, become the best
oh and, “I love lamp.”
Baggage Claim
Girl wants a husband
Meets up with all her Exes
Works for the airlines
Battle of the Year
A basketball coach
Gives discipline to dance troupe
World Championships
Beautiful Creatures
Girl will turn 16
She likes boy. She is a witch
Is she good or bad?
Before Midnight
A married couple
Had children and still in love
Last part trilogy
Believe
Documentary
The life of Justin Bieber
Singing to Troubles
The Best Man Holiday
Friends meet for Christmas
Sex, fun, and secrets happen
Wacky holiday
The Big Wedding
Wedding is coming
Wacky in-laws and guests come
Comedy ensues
Black Nativity
Girl has teenage son
Sends him to his grandparents
There’s lots of singing
The Bling Ring
Bunch of teenagers
Rob famous people's houses
Based on true story
Blue Jasmine
Rich girl loses dough
Comes home to live with sister
Her life is shattered
The Book Thief
Nazi, Germany
Family hiding a man
Hopes not to get caught
Broken City
Mayor hires man
To do secret work and stuff
But he’s a bad guy?
Bullet to the Head
Tough guy has daughter
She’s kidnapped. He gets revenge
With guns and action.
The Call
Kidnapped girl calls cops
Operator takes action
Finds bad guy herself
Captain Phillips
On a US ship
Real life pirates take over
Based on true story
Carrie
Girl is an outcast
She discovers her powers
But prom night goes wrong
Closed Circuit
Bomb blown in Britain
Who did it? Who are good guys?
You should watch your back
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
Guy has to return
To place that makes food monsters
Dangerous mission
The Company You Keep
Reporter finds out
There are fugitives at large
Are they innocent?
The Conjuring
Based on true story
People move to possessed house
Spooky scares abound
The Counselor
Guy has a new wife
He gets caught up with crime stuff
The sh*t hits the fan
The Croods
Caveman Family
Are forced to leave their safe cave
Adventure ensues
Dallas Buyers Club
Guy gets HIV
But needs meds from Mexico
Then becomes dealer
Dark Skies
Normal Family
Scary things and strange events
Horror aliens?
Dead Man Down
Girl blackmails a guy
Tells him to kill a bad man
Lots of explosions
Delivery Man
Man donates his sperm
He now has five hundred kids!
What’s he gonna do?
Despicable Me 2
Ex-Evil Bad Guy
Will Help Good Guys Save the World
Minions are so cool
Don Jon
Jon, good-looking guy
Meets very good looking girl
And he looks at porn
Elysium
Poor people on Earth
Rich people in space station
It’s time to have war
Ender's Game
World needs a hero
Hires kid with gaming skills
He’ll fight aliens
Enough Said
Girl is a masseuse
Client insults ex-husband
Who is girl's new date!
Epic
A girl shrinks her size
Joins battle of leaf fairies
Funny slug sidekicks
Escape from Planet Earth
There are aliens
Humans captured them on Earth
They need to escape!
Escape Plan
Man goes to prison
To see if he can break out
But it’s a set-up
Evil Dead
Teens go to cabin
Unleash evil in the woods
Then horror happens
The Family
A mob family
Goes to witness protection
Still acts like the mob
Fast & Furious 6
Bad guys drive fast cars
F and F crew recruited
Crazy fast car stunts
The Fifth Estate
Man makes Wikileaks
Tells secrets. Gets in trouble
Based on true story
Free Birds
Turkeys make a plan
To change course of history
Thanksgiving cartoon!
Frozen
Princess runs away
So land becomes snow covered
We need to find her!
Fruitvale Station
Guy is drug dealer
At subway, bad things happen
Based on true story
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Dangerous bad guys
G. I. Joe to the rescue
They can save the Earth!
Gangster Squad
In Mafia Days
Cops start secret dirty war
To take down mob boss.
Getaway
Guy’s wife is kidnapped
To get her back, he’ll do crimes
And drive really fast
A Good Day to Die Hard
A Die Hard movie
John McClane teams up with son
Russians are bad guys
The Grandmaster
Action packed movie
Fighter becomes a legend
(will then train Bruce Lee)
Gravity
Disaster in space
Astronaut falls off station
It’s imminent death
The Great Gatsby
Rich guy likes a girl
She’s married and has short hair
Drama and kissing
Grown Ups 2
There are four best friends
They move back to their hometown
A moose pees on one
Grudge Match
Two boxing rivals
Rematch 30 years later
Stallone. DeNiro.
The Hangover Part III
Back in Las Vegas
Three friends have another night
Of raunch, danger, fun
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Hansel and Gretel
Grown-ups with guns and crossbows
Hunting them witches.
A Haunted House
It reminds me of
Par’normal Activity.
But a Parody.
The Heat
Two cops assigned case
But can they work together
They’re very diff'rent
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Dwarves, Elves, and hobbit
Want to destroy a dragon
And there’s a wizard
Homefront
Druglord kidnaps girl
Father kicks @$$, gets her back
That is the whole plot.
The Host
Guy and girl in love
Alien in girl’s body
Can the love survive?
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Katniss loves two boys
Has to return to death games
$h*t will hit the fan
Identity Thief
When he discovers
His identity’s stolen
He will get it back.
The Impossible
Massive tidal wave
Family struggles to survive
And find each other
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Two bad magicians
Have to compete with new guy
Ridiculousness
Insidious Chapter 2
There’s a family
Who had dealt with bad spirits
It happens again
Instructions Not Included
Mom drops off baby
Single dad has to raise her
What if mom comes back?
The Internship
Two guys lose their jobs
Become interns at google
With young college kids
Iron Man 3
Iron Man is back
The villain takes his girlfriend
Action and revenge
Jack the Giant Slayer
Jack and the Beanstalk
Lots of giants and fighting
And a love story
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
Guy dressed as grandpa
Films live reactions from folks
Kind of like Borat
Jobs
The Steve Jobs story
From his start to his success
And all in between
Jurassic Park 3D
Guy makes dinosaurs
People come to see them all
$&*! T-Rex is loose!
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain
Documentary
Kevin Hart's Comedy Tour
With lots of stand-up
Kick-Ass 2
Regular Joes fight
They’re real life superheroes
They {insert title}
The Last Exorcism Part II
Girl needs exorcism
They strap her down to do it
Then strange things happen
The Last Stand
Arnold is Sheriff
He talks, shoots guns, blow things up
I don’t know the plot
Last Vegas
Old guy getting hitched
Calls up old friends for Vegas
Senior jokes ensue
Lee Daniels' The Butler
A White House Butler
And his part in history
A real-life story
The Lone Ranger
Guy almost was killed
An Indian saves his life
He’s The Lone Ranger
Machete Kills
US hires man
To beat up all the bad guys
He knows how to kill
Mama
Couple’s adoption
Gives them two creepy daughters
Their dead mom comes back
Man of Steel
Bad guy from planet
Demands Superman or else
He’ll destroy the Earth.
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Nelson Mandela
Biography of his life
And fight for freedom
Monsters University
When Mike and Sully
From Monsters Inc., were younger
They met in college
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Girl can see demons
Joins group to fight the dark side
Fantasy Action
Movie 43
Very famous cast
Does film with raunchy humor
There’s not more to say.
Mud
Outlaw in hiding
Befriends two young boys for help
He loves a woman
Now You See Me
Group of magicians
Steal from banks to give to poor
FBI is mad
Oblivion
Humans have left Earth
Government sends back one man
He discovers truth
Olympus Has Fallen
White House is taken
One guard is our only hope
From the terrorists
One Direction: This is Us
Five regular boys
Become world famous boy band
This is their story
Out of the Furnace
Brother gets kidnapped
Police won’t do anything
He’ll become the law
Oz the Great and Powerful
The Wizard of Oz
Where did the wizard come from?
Here’s his backstory.
Pacific Rim
Guy is recruited
Controls robot with his mind
To fight large monsters
Pain and Gain
Three bodybuilders
Decide to rob a rich man
It’s a true story
Paranoia
Smart guy is hired
To find intel from others
He is double-crossed
Parker
Tough man wants payback
Teams up with sexy J.Lo
To bring down bad guys.
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Demi-gods at camp
Destroyer of Gods coming
Must find fleece to win
Phantom
Crew on submarine
May cause World War 3 with bomb
Should they press button?
Philomena
Woman had a son
Taken from her years ago
She has to find him
The Place Beyond the Pines
There’s a stunt biker
Robs banks to support his son
Police after him
Planes
Like the movie Cars
Plane wants to be a racer
Underdog story
Prisoners
Two girls abducted
Dads take law into own hands
Cops ineffective
Promised Land
Corporation comes
To buy out small town farmers
They pull together
The Punk Singer
Documentary
Of feminist punk singer
From "Bikini Kill"
The Purge
All crime is legal
On just one night every year
Will you survive it?
Quartet
Four friends reunite
At musicians nursing home
They sing opera
R.I.P.D
Guy dies. Then “wakes” up
Joins Rest In Peace Department
He stops bad dead men
Red 2
Ex- CIA men
Are now on hit list to die
They’re old and kick @$$
Riddick
Unstoppable guy
Bounty Hunters capture him
He fights aliens
Runner Runner
Bad guy hired guy
Bad guy frames guy for bad stuff
Guy needs to survive
Rush
Two racecar drivers
Their rivalry on the track
Based on true story
Safe Haven
Girl moves to new town
Based on Nicholas Sparks book
Love but there’s secrets.
Saving Mr. Banks
Mary Poppins book
Disney wants to make a film
Author not selling
Scary Movie 5
It reminds me of
Par’normal Activity
But a Parody
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Guy has boring life
Stops dreaming and starts living
Has an adventure
Side Effects
Girl Gets Medicine
Murder, Drama, Sex Happens
Something about pills
The Smurfs 2
There are evil smurfs
They want to capture Smurfette
Smurfs to the rescue!
Snitch
Son wrongly in jail
The Rock needs to lay smack down
To get son justice
The Spectacular Now
High school party guy
Falls for normal high school girl
They learn about love
Spring Breakers
Girls rob bank for trip
Most wild spring break ever
Illegal actions
Stand Up Guys
Old man has a friend
But he has to murder him
First they hit the town
Stark Trek Into Darkness
A bad guy escapes
Enterprise goes after him
The good guys might fail?
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Guy has a chainsaw
He wears a mask and kills folks
And it's in 3D
This is the End
The rapture happens
How do famous stars react
All played by themselves
Thor: The Dark World
Thor needs his brother
To help save the universe
He has a hammer
Turbo
Snail wants to be fast
Radiation makes him fast
Time for Indy race
Tyler Perry Presents Peeples
Guy meets girl’s parents
He wants to ask for her hand
Father disapproves
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas
No-nonsense black gal
Go spends Christmas with rednecks
Comedy ensues
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Married guy and girl
Girl seduced by other man
More drama happens
Walking with Dinosaurs
Baby dinosaur
Has to become the leader
Watch for carnivores!
Warm Bodies
There’s a boy zombie
He falls in love with human.
Gets complicated.
The Way, Way Back
Awkward high school kid
Finds himself during summer
Working at a pool
We're the Millers
Guy has to get drugs
Gets “wife,” “children” for cover
“Wife” is a stripper
White House Down
Soldier in White House
Terrorists take President
One guy versus all
The Wolf of Wall Street
Guy works at Wall Street
Makes a lot, a lot, of cash
Has parties and stuff
The Wolverine
Wolverine is back
He fights a lot of people
He is in Japan
World War Z
World is in danger
Billions turned into zombies
What can Brad Pitt do?
The World's End
Five guys on bar tour
Robot Apocalypse comes
There’s British humor
You're Next
Cabin in the woods
Killers come dressed as mammals
They kill everyone