This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for August 23-25, 2013
By Curt David
August 23, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of August 23rd, the new films in wide release are The Mortal Instruments, You’re Next, and being released on fewer screens are The World’s End and Blue Jasmine.
| The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones | You’re Next | The World’s End | Blue Jasmine | WINNER (1 point per category) | |
| Clearest Title | Sounds like a book turned series. | Hey title, you’re generic. | Hints at something big. | Random words. | The Mortal Instruments barely wins this point by being a little recognizable. |
| Best Genre and Rating | Fantasy
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of fantasy action and violence, and some suggestive content. | Horror
Rated R for strong bloody violence, language, and some sexuality/nudity. | Action Comedy
Rated PG-13 for pervasive language including sexual references. | Drama
Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, language and sexual content | The holy grail of genres. An epic 1/4th point all around. |
| Best Plot (in haiku form) | Girl can see demons Joins group to fight the dark side Fantasy Action | Cabin in the woods Killers come dressed as mammals They kill everyone | Five guys on bar tour Robot Apocalypse comes There’s British humor | Rich girl loses dough Comes home to live with sister Her life is shattered | You had me at Robot Apocalypse. Point for The World’s End. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Really pretty cast, looks more action than typical teen fantasy movie
CONS: Track records of these types of movies make me think it’ll be bad...but trailer looked good | PROS: Looked scary and intense; one victim looked adept at fighting back CONS: Most generic trailer ever (cute music driving through woods, change to scary music) | PROS: Some parts really funny, definitely entertaining CONS: Some humor was lost on me, but I am from the USA | PROS: Captivating performances, very dramatic, with hints of Woody Allen humor CONS:I didn’t see any | While The World’s End was a runner-up, Blue Jasmine looked like the better plot (and probably movie too) |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Lily Collins from The Blind Side and Mirror,Mirror. | I didn’t recognize anyone yet. | Simon Pegg from Star Trek, Mission Impossible 4, and Shaun of the Dead. | Cate Blanchett from The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Elizabeth. | The three people with names will each score 1/3 point. |
| Best Cast | Lena Headey (300) and Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Bend it like Beckham) | I didn’t recognize anyone yet. | Martin Freeman (Sherlock) | Alec Baldwin (30 Rock) and comedian Louis C.K. | Have you seen Sherlock, the BBC tv show? It’s so good, I didn’t even write that Martin was the hobbit. Point for him. |
| Best Street Cred For the Production | Director Harald Zwart also directed Agent Cody Banks and The Karate Kid. | Director Adam Wingard also directed V/H/S. | Writer and Director Edgar Wright also wrote and directed Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Shaun of the Dead, and Hot Fuzz. | Writer and Director Woody Allen also wrote and directed Annie Hall, Midnight in Paris, and Match Point. | I am going to say it, I just am. If all the directors in the world were competing in this column, I would give Woody Allen the street cred point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Blue Jasmine scores 2 and 7/12 points, The World’s End scores 2 and 7/12 points (and a gold star), The Mortal Instruments scores 1 and 7/12 points, and You’re Next scores 1/4 point.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like a certain genre of movie, feel free to watch that movie. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper Blue Jasmine and The World’s End are tied as the best movie to watch this weekend. While I would vote for Blue Jasmine, the tiebreaker will be in the next conclusion.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. The Mortal Instruments “You Have Been Chosen” was boring. You’re Next “The Pack is Back” was confusing because I didn’t know which first movie they were referring to. Blue Jasmine didn’t have one. And the gold star goes to The World’s End “Good Food. Fine ales. Total Annihilation.” Winner of the weekend.
Conclusion 3: Three movies this week scored 1/4th point and a 1/3rd point. I added them in a calculator and got a fraction. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out the fraction form of that answer. You know what I did? I got out a piece of paper, I found the common denominator, and found out it was 7/12. Then I double checked that the four scores added up to 7 and was impressed with that math too (I dare you to try it...add up those four scores). I am now done being proud of myself. Thanks for listening.
*Statistic is completely made up.