This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for August 9-11, 2013
By Curt David
August 8, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

Hooray! I get to keep my clothes on in this scene!
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Mission to Mars), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 47%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of August 9th, the new films in wide release are Elysium, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, Planes, and We’re the Millers.


Elysium Percy Jackson: Sea of MonstersPlanesWe’re the MillersWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleDon’t know what this means. The sequel to Percy Jackson!Will be about planes, but that’s all I know. Will be about the Millers, but that’s all I know. By the beard of Zeus! I think Percy Jackson wins the first point of this column.
Best Genre
and Rating		Action
Rated R for strong bloody violence and language throughout. 		Adventure
Rated PG for fantasy action violence, some scary images, and mild language. 		Animation
Rated PG for some mild action and rude humor. 		Comedy
Rated R for crude sexual content, pervasive language, drug material, and brief graphic nudity. 		Great Odin’s Raven! It looks like we got some diversity this week. 1/4 point for all.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		Poor people on Earth
Rich people in space station
It’s time to have war		Demi-gods at camp
Destroyer of Gods coming
Must find fleece to win		Like the movie Cars
Plane wants to be a racer
Underdog story		Guy has to get drugs
Gets “wife,” “children” for cover
“Wife” is a stripper		By the hammer of Thor! Honestly, demigods and space travel are just more interesting plots. 1/2 point each.
Best TrailerPROS: Intriguing futuristic plot about oppressed people on Earth
CONS: The bad guy in the movie (not Jodie, but the guy) seems fake and one dimensional 		PROS: It looked like a movie that would be entertaining for kids and adults
CONS: It wasn't spectacular (but still good)		PROS: It’s a spin-off from Cars
CONS: Generic plot and actually not made by Pixar! (Was it made by Disney just to make money?)		PROS: The plot actually seems fresh, good story.
CONS:I was completely engrossed in the trailer (just didn’t laugh).		Knights of Columbus! Elysium and We’re the Millers had the best trailers. 1/2 point each.
Coolest Lead ActorMatt Damon from Good Will Hunting, the Bourne trilogy, and The Departed. Logan Lerman from the Perks of Being a Wallflower and Percy Jackson. The voice of Dane Cook from Dan in Real Life. Jennifer Aniston from Friends, Bruce Almighty, and Office Space. Knights of Columbus! Matt Damon and Jennifer Aniston are clearly the winners of this round. 1/2 point each.
Best CastJodie Foster (The Silence of the Lambs)Stanley Tucci (The Hunger Games) and Nathan Fillion (Firefly)The voices of Teri Hatcher, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, John Cleese, Val Kilmer, and many more!Jason Sudeikis (Saturday Night Live), Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew) Ed Helm (The Office)Sweet Lincoln’s mullet! Jodie Foster alone is greater than the other three casts combined. Point for her.
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Writer and Director Neill Blomkamp also wrote and directed District 9. Director Thor Freudenthal also directed Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Director Klay Hall has also directed many animated television shows. Director Rawson Marshall Thurber also directed Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Milk was a bad choice! For the guy who wrote and directed a movie that went to the Academy Awards, I think Neill will win a point this round (although props to your amazing name: Thor Freudenthal)


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Elysium scores 3 and 3/4 points, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters scores 1 and 3/4 points (and a gold star), We’re the Millers scores 1 and 1/4 points, and Planes scores 1/4 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like fantasy movies, feel free to watch the Percy Jackson sequel. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Elysium is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Percy Jackson’s “In Demigods we trust,” was the most clever tagline this week.
Conclusion 3: This column was brought to you by Anchorman, Jason Bateman, and the trilogy of great Jodie Foster movies: Inside Man, Panic Room, and Maverick.

*Statistic is completely made up.