This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for August 2-4, 2013
By Curt David
August 2, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

He's playing Heisenberg in the final season of Breaking Bad.
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Atlantis: The Lost Empire), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Paula Patton in Swing Vote), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 93%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of August 2nd, the new films in wide release are Smurfs 2 and 2 Guns.



The Smurfs 22 GunsWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis is a sequel- you can tell because of the number 2 at the end of the title.This is....a movie? Why is there a number 2 at the beginning of the title?The movie with the number in the correct place wins the first point.
Best Genre
and Rating		Animation (and live-action)
Rated PG for some rude humor and action		Action/Comedy
Rated PG-13 for action throughout, language, and brief nudity. 		Two different genres and ratings, two happy 1/2 points awarded!
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		There are evil smurfs
They want to capture Smurfette
Smurfs to the rescue!		Two guys rob a bank
Both undercover agents
Now they’re being chased		Both movies seem to have basic plots. Two meh 1/2 points awarded.
Best TrailerPROS: There was a plot! And a funny joke or two.
CONS: You may want to be a kid to enjoy this movie		PROS: It was like a gritty buddy cop movie, good acting and good mix of funny and action
CONS: The TV trailers don’t show the comedy parts, and the plot doesn’t make sense if you think about it too long		Despite me not getting the plot, 2 Guns still had a trailer that made me want to watch the film...point.
Coolest Lead ActorNeil Patrick Harris from Doogie Howser, How I Met Your Mother, and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Denzel Washington from Training Day, Man on Fire, and Remember the Titans. Oooohhh, this is a tough one. I think I might possibly maybe consider giving Denzel the point.
Best CastThe voices of Katy Perry, Christina Ricci, George Lopez, Jeff Foxworthy, Shaq, and many more!Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter), Paula Patton (Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol), Bill Paxton (Twister), and James Marsden (X-Men)This is a close race 2, but 2 Guns will win this point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Director Raja Gosnell also directed Big Momma’s House, The Smurfs, and Scooby-Doo. Director Baltasar Kormakur also directed The Deep and ContrabandWhile both directors have cool names, Raja will win the point this time around.


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, 2 Guns scores 2 + 2 points and Smurfs 2 scores 2 + 2/2 points and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked the movie Smurfs (you did??), feel free to watch Smurfs 2. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper 2 Guns is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t find a tagline for 2 Guns, which is a shame, because now I have to give a gold star to the inappropriate sounding tagline for a children’s film for Smurfs 2: “Get Ready to Get Naughty”
Conclusion 3: I am a man of many questions and no answers. Why would the American CIA be fighting against the American DEA and NCIS? Why didn’t my spellcheck have questions about “smurfette”? And why wasn’t Sofia Vergara in Smurfs 2?

*Statistic is completely made up.