This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for July 19-21, 2013
By Curt David
July 19, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

You just know that music box is evil.
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Catherine Zeta Jones in Playing for Keeps), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 30%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of July 19th, the new movies in wide release are Turbo, The Conjuring, R.I.P.D, and Red 2.


TurboThe ConjuringR.I.P.D.Red 2WINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis movie should contain fast modes of transportation.This movie should contain possessed humans. This movie should have something to do with dying.This movie should be the sequel to the movie Red. Sequels always do pretty well in this round. Point for Red 2.
Best Genre
and Rating		Animation
Rated PG for some mild action and thematic elements. 		Horror
Rated R for sequences of disturbing violence and terror. 		Action/Comedy
Rated PG-13 for violence, sci-fi/fantasy action, some sensuality, and language including sex references		Action/Comedy
Rated Rated PG-13 for pervasive action and violence including frenetic gunplay, and for some language and drug material		Almost the perfect week: PG, PG-13, R and three different genres...and then there are two action comedies! Turbo and The Conjuring will split the point.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		Snail wants to be fast
Radiation makes him fast
Time for Indy race		Based on true story
People move to possessed house
Spooky scares abound		Guy dies. Then “wakes” up
Joins Rest In Peace Department
He stops bad dead men		Ex- CIA men
Are now on hit list to die
They’re old and kick @$$		Turbo clearly has the best plot. Have you ever seen that plot before?
Best TrailerPROS: A snail dreams of going fast...cute!
CONS: Didn’t laugh out loud		PROS: Old people share their story and we watch the spooky flashbacks
CONS: But if everyone is telling the story, don’t we know that no one dies??		PROS: Similar plot and feel of Men in Black
CONS: But can any movie be as good as the original Men in Black?		PROS:Lots of famous actors, Helen Mirren killing people
CONS: If you liked the movie Red, probably no cons		I actually liked R.I.P.D’s trailer the best (especially Jeff Bridges as a hot girl- funny). Point.
Coolest Lead ActorThe voice of Ryan Reynolds from The Proposal, Wolverine, and Just Friends.Patrick Wilson from The Phantom of the Opera, Morning Glory, and Watchmen. Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski, True Grit, and Iron Man. Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense, Die Hard, and Pulp Fiction. Jeff Bridges is probably the coolest right now out of the four. Point for R.I.P.D.
Best CastThe voices of Paul Giamatii, Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Hader, Snoop Dogg, Maya Rudolph, and many more!Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) and Lili Taylor (The Haunting)Ryan Reynolds (The Proposal), Kevin Bacon (Mystic River), and Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds)John Malkovich (Con Air), Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds), Helen Mirren (The Queen), Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)Red 2 has the best cast for sure. (But any movie with Catherine Zeta-Jones will automatically win this round).
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Writer and Director David Soren also wrote and directed made-to-video Madagascar movies. Director James Wan has also directed Saw and Insidious. Writers and Directors Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi also wrote Clash of the Titans. Director Dean Parisot also directed a ton of different television shows. And James Wan seems to have the best street cred. Point.


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, R.I.P.D scores 2 points, Red 2 scores 2 points, Turbo scores 1 and 1/2 points (and a gold star), and The Conjuring scores 1 and 1/2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like horror movies, go ahead and watch The Conjuring. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper R.I.P.D and Red 2 are the best movies to watch this weekend (ironically, since I hated the fact that they were opening on the same weekend with the same genre). But my gut tells me that you should watch R.I.P.D. instead.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Turbo’s clever “Better Fast Than Furious” wins.
Conclusion 3: Shout-out to Ryan Reynolds and Mary-Louise Parker, who each have two movies opening this weekend. (And another shout-out to Mary-Louise who surprised me with a hyphen between her two first names, and not her two last names).
Conclusion 4: Right now I have the exact same facial hair as Jeff Bridges. And the same body as Ryan Reynolds*.

*Statistic is completely made up.