Survivor: Caramoan - Episode 5
Persona Non Grata
By Ben Willoughby
March 14, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The “fans” arrive back at camp, and the men all agree with the consolation that it was “a turning point” and from now they have to win challenges. Matt asks Sherri if she is all right, and Sherri says that she is fine, and just listening. In interview, Sherri talks about how difficult it was for her to vote for Laura, because she reminded Sherri of her daughter, but she had to vote with the tribe because they “were all going to vote for her no matter what."
Meanwhile, Reynold is claiming that he is glad that his idol is gone, because it was a point of division within the tribe. But he interviews that he doesn’t trust anyone, because in the first two tribal councils he had all these “hopes and aspirations and believing these people and I got completely duped." In other words, he thought everyone would just do what he said without any questions or push-back.
Anyway, Reynold goes on and on in interview about how great it felt to play the idol last night and know that he could say whatever he felt like, which was “you guys are worthless in challenges, you need me to win and if you don’t keep me around you’ll maybe get Juror 1 or Juror 2”. Like he hasn’t been saying that all along. And even better, there would be no repercussions because he played his idol! Well, no repercussions until he gets blind-sided again by the people he just called out for sucking hard. Reynold doesn’t just have tickets on himself. He has Skybox tickets.
But back at camp, he plays all nice and says stuff like “I hope you didn’t think I was taking jabs at your alliance, any more than you guys took jabs at our alliance early on." Because it’s absolutely despicable when someone targets his alliance, but when Reynold says stuff, it’s just a game and we should all just focus on moving forward.
Discussion back at camp turns to the hidden immunity idol, which they think has been put back in play by some under-paid production assistant who won’t be bothered to hide it properly. Reynold says that he’s “going to wake up really early tomorrow," and Matt replies “You’re a liar. All you’re going to do is wake up and look for the idol." It’s all done in a jokey way, though. Michael interviews about how he does not want Reynold to get the idol because he’s a clutch guy – he can pull through when things get rough.
Over at the “favorites”, we are about to see why I am persisting with the inverted commas around “favorites”. Brandon is telling the rest of his tribe about how “the realest people in the world have emotions and have passion” and that “I have such a passion for my family, and that I would give my life 1,000 times over in the most horrific way just to see my wife and my kids." Obviously this makes no sense because then if he gave his life he’d never see them again. But it just shows that everything about Brandon is emotions, not making sense.
Anyway, Brandon has two very young children who are too young to realise anything more than “Daddy’s not here," and he says that “every day [away from them] is a waste” and that “next Tribal Council, I’m volunteering for you to vote me out of the game." Malcolm interviews about how this has repercussions for the tribe as well as for the Hantz family, and maybe Brandon should have thought about this before signing up to another season of Survivor.
Afterwards, Brandon decides to fill in Andrea, Corinne and Cochran about his plans to set the camp on fire and pee in the beans and the rice, like this is something hilarious foible of his. “I’m glad you didn’t do that, way to choose the other option,” says Corinne. “No worries. We’re all good,” titters Andrea in a “don’t upset the maniac” way.
In interview, Corinne doesn’t find it so funny that the only alternative to leaving Brandon could find was burning stuff and peeing on things. “I want him off now," she says.
The next morning, Brandon is completely different. He calls everyone around and explains that his initial motivation for coming on the show was selfish, but now he’s going to continue with the game for his family. His whole perspective of the game has changed, yet again. In interview, Brandon says he will tough it out and be “the most intense player you’ve seen so far. I’m excited, I’m going to freak myself out. I don’t know what I’m going to do." Has Brandon ever considered trying less intensity?
Probst sighting! Reward challenge! No Laura!
The challenge is that two players from each tribe will each hold a rope, which is slung over a frame with a big net attached to the other end. The remaining players will shoot baskets with coconuts into the opposing tribe’s net, until the net is so coconut-heavy that the poor sap holding onto the rope lets it drop. Last tribe member holding a rope wins reward for their tribe.
Reward is barbecue – sausage, steaks, even some wine. Delicious wine? Anyway, the “favorites” are three members up on the “fans”, so they are sitting out Andrea, Dawn and Erik. Mike and Matt and are holding up the nets for the “fans”, Phillip and Brandon are doing the job for the “favorites”.
Everyone starts making baskets with the coconuts, and unsurprisingly Reynold is a star performer, never missing a shot. I realize they’ve made a conscious effort this season to cut back on the number of puzzles, but how many “throw this thing at a target” challenges are there going to be?
Plenty of people are making baskets – even Cochran makes one – while Phillip is “hollering some sort of war cry” according to Probst or “trying a Jamaican accent?” according to me. The editing suggests this psychs out Eddie and Sherri. “Sherri, worthless in this challenge,” says Probst, apparently concerned that last night’s Tribal Council was a blip, not a new trend. Anyway, Reynold “starts picking on Brandon and it is working,” and soon it is too much and Brandon lets go of his rope.
Shortly after, Matt drops out and we are treated to a montage of Mike and Phillip struggling to hold onto their ropes, with Michael’s face going incredibly pink. Absurdly pink. Pinker than Cochran’s sunburn pink. And it Michael who is first to release his rope, and Phillip is “once again the hero for the ‘favorites’”. The “fans” look on enviously as the “favorites” collect their reward, but Probst actually says “good effort from the ‘fans’” now that they have decided to vote off the non-physical members.
We check in with the “fans” back at their camp first. Eddie is grumbling about how they had “a chance to turn it around... and we blew it." Michael and Reynold are agreeing that they need to try something new but have no idea what, and Sherri interviews that she is trying hard to keep her mouth shut because “muscle is not paying off." She hopes that her alliance realizes this, but since she doesn’t seem to be talking with anyone about it, they probably don’t.
Sherri’s fear is that the idol is back in play, so she goes off to look for it. So does Michael. And Matt, and Reynold and Julia too. Matt says quite happily that it’s no big secret that everyone is looking for it, which is a pleasant change from the usual pious “let’s vote out the person looking for it because we can’t trust them” play. According to Matt, “it can’t be very hard to find, because Reynold found it pretty quick." Heh. How true.
We get a bunch of other people interviewing about the idol – though not Julia, never Julia. But Michael tempts fate by saying that “as long as Reynold doesn’t find it," which is the editor’s cue to put in footage of Reynold finding it and having to limit his joy to whisper-laughing. Boo! I bet Probst went up to the idol-hider and said “Why don’t you take a rest? I got this."
Reynold doesn’t bother reading the idol message, explaining to the camera “I know all this by heart, it’s the second one I’ve found." He has another of his delusionally confident interviews, saying “I should keep playing them, if I can keep finding them," but he understands now that there’s “a correlation between opening your big fat mouth and having the idol get played." “Back in business, baby! This is how you play Survivor,” he says to camera. What, finding hidden immunity idols, giving gloating interviews to camera and being repeatedly taken for a sucker? Well, it’s how Russell Hantz played Survivor.
Anyway, Reynold goes back to camp, and lies down in the shelter with Eddie. “You and me still taking this thing to the end?” he asks. Eddie says yes, so Reynold whispers “got it," referring to the idol. They reconfirm their alliance with a fist-bump and a “you and me dude, all the way." Eddie, who we never even saw looking for the idol, interviews how funny it is to watch Sherri combing the beach and the woods when he knows it’s in Reynold’s bag.
Now we can check in at the “favorites” barbecue. We see them cooking meat, but the discussion is all about Brandon. Andrea says that he seems sullen, and there’s something in his eyes that’s weird. The barbecue discussion is the usual post-challenge props, Brandon being a rock and Phillip big-upping his “strategy” of yelling at them.
Brandon interviews that “I was trying so hard not to make this not about me, but all of a sudden Phillip decides to take ownership of winning this challenge for himself," like it’s Phillip’s fault that Phillip was the last one holding the net in the air and Probst said “once again, a hero for the ‘favorites’”. Brandon feels like venting, so when Brenda asks if they are going to take down the the tarp (which is filled with rainwater) and Phillip says he would rather save his energy, Brandon says “she was just giving a suggestion, Phillip." Phillip replies coldly that he was just providing input, and Brandon says “your input is more like a dictatorship."
This quickly descends into bickering. “I don’t want to argue it now,” says Phillip. “I will argue it.” “Then it’ll be a one-sided conversation.” “How about you [STFU] and let somebody else have an opinion?”, when Phillip just said he’ll basically STFU but he doesn’t want to listen to Brandon’s opinion.
Corinne interviews about how Brandon is unpredictable and she doesn’t know what to do with that, while Malcolm, with resigned humor, says that “Brandon finally snapped. Phillip caught Brandon on one of his downward swings." Malcolm considers that no matter what strategic consideration Brandon plays, at some point he’s going to go past the threshold where he’s more of a drain on the camp than he’s going to be useful down the road”.
Brandon asks with a smirk whether he should go apologize, and the others advise him against it. Phillip, down the beach, is interviewing how Brandon is a “young punk who won’t shut up” while he is a “street fighter” and while he’s trying to avoid confrontation, if Brandon “ever came at me, he’s going to see a different side of me. “I think he’s unstable, I think he should be out of the game.”
Phillip and Brandon have a talk, ostensibly to try and put things to rest, but it quickly goes nowhere. Brandon says “Let’s talk” and Phillip rushes in. “No no no, my dilemma is, with me in control of it like to a certain extent, where we are playing right now, you are going to get above the slot where you finished last time,” which was sixth, if you were interested.
“You don’t slap the gift horse,” says Phillip, which Brandon paraphrases as “you don’t bite the hand that...” “Feeds you” finished Phillip. Being talked down to sets Brandon off. “What gives you leadership to say ‘hey, he deserves to be here’? Don’t I make that decision for myself?” No, because it’s Survivor and you leave when other people vote you out. And then Phillip is the one who put the alliance together, and when it comes to the crunch everyone will probably vote with Phillip. Is that enough reasons yet? “So I can still trust you?" asks Brandon, and Phillip is snappier than he should be when he says “Yes, you can trust me, I’ve been telling you that.” Trustworthy!
Brandon interviews that he’s annoyed with Phillip, but so long as he can keep himself under control things will be fine. “But goddamn, that might be a really tough thing to do." They handshake on the beach and Brandon “apologizes as a man." But as far as Phillip’s concerned, Brandon is persona non grata, and the first opportunity Phillip has, Brandon will go.
There’s dangerous, foreshadowing music when we come back from commercial, but we are looking at the “fans” beach, so the dangerous music is for Matt’s gross, water-sodden feet. It is one of those awful Caramoan rainfalls that we saw last season, and Mike goes about getting things ready so they’ll dry when the sun comes out. Mike must be the tribe optimist. “I want my mommy,” says Matt to add a slice of levity during a very heavy rainfall that puts out the fire, before interviewing “I wish something good would happen to our tribe."
It’s raining over at the “favorites” camp, and Brandon is lighting a fire with flint and the knife, and Malcolm is keeping a very close eye on the knife.
Brandon interviews that the Phillip-Brandon rivalry is really getting to him. His scary eyes are on full beam as he says “I get up this morning and who starts the fire? Brandon starts the fire! I’m the only dude who can start a fire with a piece of flint! I don’t need no old 54-year-old punk b---- telling me don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Brandon doesn’t need to be fed. “I am a Hantz! I feed me!”
Phillip, meanwhile, is interviewing about Brandon. “He’s not sane, he’s not right, he could harm one of us, and therefore one might do the unthinkable to make something else possible.” Phillip talks about what a competitive person he is, so he would never normally think about this, but he really wants to throw the challenge. He continues to self-justify – it would be a “degree of compassion for him as well as a potential game-saver for us."
It’s not long before the discussion comes up in camp. “What happens if we lose?” Andrea asks Phillip. “He needs to go. I want him gone. Put me in the challenge,” is the response. “Are you saying you want to throw the challenge?” “Yes. I would do that. I don’t want him around anymore.”
Now Andrea, who not that long ago was so concerned about saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, is talking with Brandon about her conversation with Phillip. Brandon says “I apologized, I was the bigger man about it." He calls “Hey Phillip," and Andrea says “I don’t like where this is going." Brandon turns his head back to her and asks if Phillip is wanting to throw the challenge, and Andrea says “I don’t think he will go that far, but if we lose we’re going to have issues."
Angry interview now from Brandon, who talks about how he cooks, how he does good in challenges, how he lights the fire and takes care of camp, and is still on the block to get voted out. If he doesn’t understand why that’s the case, maybe he should be on the “fans” tribe.
Brandon confronts Phillip about how he thought they had cleared everything up yesterday, and completely throws Andrea under the bus by saying that Andrea said Phillip still wanted Brandon gone. Phillip says “I’m not happy with what happened with us” and that he “cannot trust Brandon, because his activities have been active." Active activities? Shocking! He means that Brandon has been giving out more information than Phillip wants him to and this goes against Steath R Us’s corporate values or something.
“Can you drop the Stealth R Us thing?... It’s demeaning!” asks Brandon, “Nobody in there is Exterminator or Exterior, it’s bulls---“, but Phillip thinks it’s “a lot of fun for us." If Phillip were the CEO of a real company, he’d probably think his workers would have a lot of fun watching his band play at the office Christmas party.
“Nobody likes it,” Brandon says, probably accurately. “Thanks for sharing,” replies Phillip. Brandon goes further. “Everyone actually does not like you.” Phillip says “Well guess what, then they’ll vote me out.” Phillip has Brandon there, so Brandon says “Let me give you a reason to vote me out,” like there aren’t enough already.
He then storms back into the camp. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m gonna give you a reason to vote me out,” like there aren’t enough already, so he dumps out the rice and then the beans despite everyone else’s efforts to grab then without making physical contact with Brandon. “I thought you were a secret agent! Come get some!” he calls after Phillip who is walking down the beach.
Dawn suggests that Brandon give himself time to breathe, but Brandon has his arms spread as wide as a preacher’s and is declaring “I am the author of my fate! Now vote me out, b----!” The others are collecting up the rice and hoping to win a sieve at the next reward challenge. There’s voice-over from Andrea about how Brandon was ready for a fist-fight. “Why not just go to Tribal?” Corinne asks. Dawn is thinking the same, interviewing “can we still play with him?”
So to recap, first Brandon volunteers for everyone to vote him out, so he can see his family. Then he decides to stay in the game for his family. Now he thinks that no one has a good reason to vote him out, and he decides to give them one. Great.
Probst sighting! Immunity challenge! “Come on in, guys!”
Probst wants a bit of chit-chat before explaining the challenge. He asks Reynold if the long, wet, rainy night had an impact on the tribe. Reynold’s response is all over the map, about how the favorites won everything so they have all this stuff (that he lists in nauseating detail), but it’s still hard even if you win everything, so “we’re all in it together." I see why they usually edit this part out of the show.
Same question to Cochran, who says it hurts morale and it’s not good for anybody. Brandon, how are you doing?
Brandon says he had an outburst with Phillip, and he would like to address the “fans”. Probst will allow this.
“Tonight is going to be an opportunity for you to come back and actually make this a game. I’m your second chance,” says Brandon as though he is doing this for the “fans”. His condition is “please don’t let Phillip get to the end of this game." “Where are you going?” asks Reynold, in the first of many, many gloating cuts to Reynold.
Corinne has the job of tribe spokesperson for this one, and she has a speech prepared. “We realize this is going to be a challenge for immunity, and it’s for this reason we would like to forfeit the challenge and go to Tribal. While we are all really fierce competitors, there is some discourse in our camp and we would like to hash that out in the appropriate setting. We respect this game, and we hope that both you and the ‘fans’ will respect this decision to go to Tribal.” Discourse? Corinne should have run her speech by an editor. The “fans” cannot believe their luck.
Brandon wants to help out a little bit, saying that the “favorites” don’t have any respect for the “fans”, and the “fans” shouldn’t take crap from anybody. Probst interrupts and beckons Brandon to come over with him, into a “neutral” spot. Listen to your friend Jeff Probst, he’s a cool dude.
Probst asks Brandon to explain what’s going on, Brandon he says that Phillip put together the Stealth R Us alliance, giving us “cartoon names, it’s degrading us, making us feel like we’re plastic dolls! And Phillip speaks so highly of himself! Stop talking about yourself! Boston Rob took you to the end, you didn’t do anything! You were made fun of! And you come here and you tell me, don’t bite the hand that feeds you?!”
Maybe Brandon doesn’t realize it, but no-one else really feels degraded by Stealth R Us, they are just playing along. When you think about it, the only person really degraded by Stealth R Us is Phillip, who is pushing something that no-one but him believes. Remember last week, when Phillip was talking about Napoleon at Waterloo, and he gave out titles because he had nothing else? Who was the first person on Stealth R Us to have a name? Phillip.
“I feed myself, ----!” shouts Brandon, who thinks he has found a catchphrase. “This is a meltdown,” says Brenda to Dawn and Malcolm.
“Don’t tell me you’re running the game! I took myself out of this game!” he protests. Yes, he took himself out but it’s because Phillip is more or less “controlling” the game at this point. Only because others are happy to let Phillip control the game at this stage. But Brandon just finds all the pretending too frustrating and that's why he is quitting. Because of Phillip.
“How are you feeling?” asks Probst. “Fired up, bro. Whoo!” Probst agrees that Brandon clearly is fired up, and he also seems a little hostile, and they’ll talk through it. Brandon talks about how he had a tough time after his first season on the show, in his personal life, and he swore that if he ever got a chance to play again he would never be the guy to get walked over in every episode. What committee of idiots does Brandon think would ask him back on Survivor after his season? Oh... right. “I can sit here proudly today and say that I’ve never cried a f---ing tear this season.”
Probst points out there has been no word from Phillip “during this entire tirade," but Phillip doesn’t have to speak when Brandon is making Phillip’s case for him. Brandon impersonates Phillip with some weird “yurp” sound, as Phillip spins about how he attempted to embrace Brandon, and how Brandon came to him wanting to be part of the alliance after voting for “Andraya” in the first episode.
Andrea starts to cry, and because she is now the most emotional person on the “favorites” mat, Probst asks how she is feeling. She says that she has grown close to Brandon, and it’s hard to see two people fight and say cruel things to each other. “I have said nothing to Brandon,” says Phillip. “Phillip Shepherd is never wrong ever, he’s a super spy agent 3.0. Shut up, shut up, own up to what you do.”
“I came to apologize to you,” Brandon continues as though he meant his apology. “Over and over again. You are a pathetic individual,” responds Phillip, losing the high ground about not saying cruel things to Brandon. “Shut your mouth!” “You can’t shut my mouth”. Brandon acts like he is going to walk over there. “Don’t walk this way,” says Phillip. Probst calls Brandon back and puts his arm around his shoulder, saying “brought you here for a reason." “Nobody wants to get physical,” says Probst. “He doesn’t want to get physical,” mocks Brandon. “You’re absolutely right, I don’t.” states Phillip categorically.
“Hey, look at me,” Probst tells Brandon. “I’m doing this for you,” Brandon explains. “For me?” asks Probst, before confirming that Brandon is not going to get physical. Probst asks about Dawn, who is looking pained and Dawn speaks for us all when she says “I don’t want to be here.”
Brandon wants to take us through his thought process. “I want to be the author of my fate,” he says, trying out another catch-phrase. He tells everyone how he dumped the rice and beans, and Corinne says that “she does not think the whole tribe deserved that” before Dawn can shut her up, and Phillip adds and says “none of us deserved that."
Probst doesn’t want to let this drop, so he reminds Brandon about his famous Survivor-playing uncle. “I say this with respect but it might not feel respectful, but” and everything before the word ‘but’ is unimportant “is it in the blood?” “Us Hantzes, we speak our minds. I’m proud of that,” says Brandon, which is what people who speak their minds without considering the consequences, or whether it makes sense are usually proud of.
Anyway, Phillip makes a play for being the bigger man and getting the target off his back. He has “never had any bad feelings for Brandon. Where this is coming from, I have no idea. Your whole thing about being in charge and control is just a figment of his imagination." Phillip does a good job of keeping a straight face, but no one is fooled. “I hope you’re strong enough to realize, just maybe, you made a mistake.” Brandon doesn’t want to hear it. “Shut up!” “That’s your typical response. You need to grow up!” “You need to shut up! You need to get younger.”
But again Phillip loses the high ground. “That’s the way you talk to your elders. That’s right, you do that.” Phillip remembers how Brandon spoke about Russell at the reunion – “the uncle who let you live in his home, probably to the aunt that’s taking care of the kids that you left.” “Bring my f---ing family into this, I’ll come over there and knock your f---ing head off. Bring my kids into this, b----.” Probst has both arms around Brandon by now. Brandon sure looks like a big man, being held back by Jeff Probst.
Anyway, time to move on. Probst confirms that the “favorites” want to give up immunity. At Probst’s direction Erik hands over the immunity idol to the “favorites” and Reynold lamely asks if Probst can raise his hands and say “’fans’ win immunity!” Suck-up. Probst says we are having Tribal Council right now. No fire, no torches, no “tallying”, no urn.
Brandon is voting for Phillip. One by one, the other “favorites” from Corinne to Cochran say they are voting for Brandon. “You good with this?” asks Probst. “I’m good with it.” Brandon is the sixth person voted out of the game.
Probst tells Brandon “I love you, but I know you’re fired up," so he tells Brandon to walk over there around the back of the challenge and Probst will come find him later. “Phillip, you’re a b----!” he says over his shoulder.
As soon as Brandon is out of earshot, Probst asks if there is a sense of relief? Enthusiastic nodding from the “favorites”. “It was a long time coming,” says Erik, who never says anything. Could this be a big momentum shift? Meh. But according to Reynold, “I’ll take it, a win’s a win."
This episode just shows what a mistake it was to bring Brandon back for another season in the first place. In his first season, he was cast for a redemption story arc about restoring honor the Hantz family name. But his game was full of unpredictable emotional outbursts that no one wanted to watch. So, of course the producers decide to bring him back for a second redemption story arc. Because if there’s one thing that reality TV does well, it’s “provide appropriate therapy to people who need it."
Sure, Probst did a good job of calming things down when they were heated – but he also did a good job of keeping things simmering just enough to get some “interesting” footage of Brandon getting angry. Why else ask Brandon about his uncle and whether it’s in the blood? Sure, Russell has his issues, but they are completely different to Brandon’s. Probst was there to provide good footage, not get everyone cool with things.
The people who asked Brandon to be back on the show can wash their hands as much as they want with “Brandon chose to go on the show” and CYA games like “Brandon passed the psych test," but they asked him to come back for one reason and one reason only: they wanted him to act up at camp and televise the results. Again. And spend months hyping it. They should bring in Dr. Phil to learn about “enabling behaviors”.
Anyway, it was an unhappy thing to watch (and to re-cap). Hopefully this is reflected in the ratings, because I’d hate for CBS executives and Mark Burnett to be crying themselves to sleep on plush mattresses stuffed with money.
Next time on Survivor, Phillip plans to take out Corinne and Corinne plans to take out Phillip, but there’s something no one was planning on. It’s probably a switch, which we were all planning on, right?
Brandon’s post-boot interview is predictably full of denial, with Brandon declaring his exit was “nice, it was glorious” instead of uncomfortable and unnecessary. He wanted to go out Braveheart-style, but I re-watched Braveheart a couple of weeks ago and William Wallace had his intestines removed and only shouted one word. That scene was more pleasant than watching this. Remember when Survivor was entertaining?
“I... was the author of... my elimination,” says Brandon, still trying to make fetch happen. Some plagiarized literary advice to author Brandon: “Well, it started off badly, trailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the ending the better.” See you at the reunion! Well, probably not.