2013 Calvin Awards: Worst Picture
By Reagen Sulewski
February 20, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Terrible horror films are a “favorite” of this category, and we're proud to crown another of its ilk as our champion of awful cinema this year. Silent House was a nearly shot-for-shot remake of a Uruguayan film of the same title which was actually kind of well regarded, so there's very little excuse for this version to be this bad. That singular “shot” is on purpose too, as both films were filmed as to look like they took place in one take – which could be very suspenseful or dreadfully tedious. I'll let you guess which one this one was. While minimalism is one way to ratchet up the tension in a horror film, having something actually happen as a result is a better idea.
Silent House's second crime was stranding Elizabeth Olsen, the new indie darling, in a film where she had essentially nothing to do other than walk around in the dark and scream. But perhaps the biggest reason this film is up here is its ridiculous “shocking for the sake of shocking” ending that makes the entire rest of the film completely pointless and nonsensical, not to mention making the whole thing seedy and exploitative. We won't quite ruin the surprise for you (not that this film deserves spoiler warnings...) except to say that you should think of the hackiest twist possible, then reject that and dig below that. We can put up with just about anything in the world expect wasting our time, and Silent House was the chief offender this year.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is what happens when you see a franchise movie despite your best instincts. During the mid '00s comic movie craze when just about anything that was based on something that was originally drawn made ridiculous amounts of money, Ghost Rider was one of the more headshaking entries. Featuring one of Nicolas Cage's more bizarre performances, it somehow managed to convince people into a $55 million opening weekend. That just encouraged Hollywood, and despite the near universal verdict of “crap”, we were convinced that we wanted a second round of this. And when was the last time an all-time terrible movie had an even passable sequel?
This film was given over to the Crank directors, but while that gonzo filmmaking style worked for those live-action cartoons (I mean, to a degree – I won't argue with you too much if you hated those too) working within the constraints of a big budget blockbuster seemed to frustrate them, and they just ended up making things louder and explodier. We're pretty sure watching this film in 3D counts as an assault.
While we are admittedly biased against the oeuvre of Nicolas Sparks adaptations, we've typically grudgingly given them their due. The sap runs thick with them however, and there's only so much we can take. Enter The Lucky One, our third worst film of 2012, which finally annoyed us enough to make this list. Zac Efron plays a Iraq War veteran who returns after nearly being blown up to stalk, er, find the woman whose picture was in a Marine buddy's (who didn't make it) belongings. If you didn't find that sentence indescribably creepy and/or get insulin shock, I'm pretty sure we should never watch movies together. In addition to just being more of the same Sparks with the cheese factor cranked up to 11, The Lucky One also has the fatal flaw of being a romantic movie with no romantic chemistry between its leads, making the whole thing just frustrating and disappointing, just like many of the dates that occurred at this movie.
More horror appears at fourth with The Devil Inside, which at 83 minutes, a lot of that credits, at least had the virtue of being short. Cynically capitalizing on both the exorcism and found found footage phenomenons, The Devil Inside was a thoroughly repellant movie on every level, including theologically and cinematically. At least Blair Witch Project's shaky cam had a purpose, you know? And about the characterization – while cheering for the deaths of all the main characters is kind of the underpinning of most modern horror, it shouldn't just be because you simply want the film over with so you don't have to listen to these jackasses anymore. Surprisingly, The Devil Inside is kind of accommodating in this manner, but if it really had cared about our well being, it'd have never existed in the first place. Of course, there's also the "go to our website for more information" thing at the end to deal with, as well.
Fifth place goes to another sequel no one asked for, Wrath of the Titans. While Clash of the Titans was mildly amusing except for its horrible 3D conversion, Wrath of the Titans was a relentless series of special effects and explosions in search of a story to carry through. There wasn't even anywhere to go after Clash's “Release the Kraken!” since “Release... the other Kraken!” doesn't quite have the same ring to it. I know this goes against every instinct Hollywood has, but please, if your movie sucks, just don't make a sequel – even if it does make a ton of money. You're just embarrassing everyone.
The first film that you could really have a dispute about being on this list is in sixth place. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter doesn't have a ton going for it over the half an idea in its title, and that's a big part of the problem here. Everyone involved in this project just expected us to find the idea awesome, and that's all they really had to do to make it a movie. And while there's nothing wrong with taking historical figures and making a completely crazy genre movie out of them (c.f. Bubba Ho-Tep), it helps to have coherency and a bit of fun about the proceedings. This year's other Lincoln movie seems to want it both ways – taking itself too seriously enough in parts for us to forgive the ridiculousness when it comes up.
Yet more incompetent horror shows up in seventh place with Chernobyl Diaries, the first non-shaky cam film from the Paranormal Activity people. This was another movie where the premise was assumed to be enough, as it just drops a bunch of college kids in the middle of a nuclear waste site and throws random terrors at them. Now, here's what I don't quite get about these films – everyone seems to hate them, and yet they continue to make mad bank (relative to their budget, that is). Who is it that's seeing these still? Haven't we learned yet? No? Okay. Have more crap, then.
Surprisingly, our first summer blockbuster doesn't appear until eighth spot. It's probably unsurprising which one it is, though. The notion of making a film based on Battleship was mock-worthy from the very first time it was suggested, but with Peter Berg directing, we thought we'd at least give it a shot. Unfortunately, it turned out to be just as ridiculous as it seemed, with aliens, peg-based weapons and a giant dome over Hawaii making this into a kind of bastard child of Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Transformers. That's right, this film sucks enough for three Michael Bay films.
Ninth spot goes to the ill-conceived Rock of Ages, which was a triumph of miscasting and a wild swing and a miss on how much affection people had for '80s music. It's hard to enjoy a film when you're cringing through your fingers at everyone on screen.
Tenth spot goes to yet another unnecessary sequel, Men in Black III, though I suppose it can be considered an improvement that it didn't win the category, like its predecessor. I think the sun has finally set on Will Smith's goofy action persona.
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