Top Chef: Seattle Recap
By David Mumpower
February 5, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

Can I bum a cigarette? How about some used panties?

Previously on Top Chef, The Josie Show was cancelled. There was much rejoicing in households across North America. And the celebration continued when Kristen eviscerated Josie in Last Chance Kitchen, thereby ending Josie’s tenure on Top Chef, hopefully/presumably forever.

Josie’s continued presence on Top Chef had cast a blemish on our perception of the greatest reality show competition on television. What we have always celebrated about the program is that weak players are rarely strung along for the purpose of faux drama. Yes, there have been a few isolated instances such as Robin during season 6, but since the Lisa Fernandes fiasco in season 4, the producers of the program have taken firm control of the show’s results.

The problem we have faced this season is that Josie somehow managed to seem not quite as bad as the person eliminated instead of her. Relatively similar results occurred half a dozen times this season before Josie was ultimately voted out of the competition. The seventh time was the charm for the viewer but the matter should have come to a head long before then. Josie was arguably the worst player during the second, seventh and eighth elimination challenges. At some point, body of work simply has to become a factor.

Because such meta contemplation was not performed, Kristen was inexplicably removed from Top Chef. Her crime was simply that she miscalculated in selecting Josie for her team. If Bart and Eliza had still been around, they would have warned Kristen about the choice. They were not, however, because they were each prior victims of The Josie Show. Josie is a reality show serial killer in this regard. She was only brought to justice after claiming her third victim.

Josie’s absence, while satisfying to me on a personal level, is also an early warning signal for Stefan. Josie had burned so many bridges by the point of her elimination that the judges were tingling with anticipation when they voted her out. Even so, Stefan was still in the conversation last week because he too has alienated the judges to the point that they are sick of his face.

If Padma Lakshmi were offered a choice of a billion dollars or Stefan’s removal from Top Chef, I’m not 100% confident she would take the money. Stefan is going through the motions as contestant this season, and his lying has become a problem. With only five players remaining, anything can happen. What I can say with confidence is that he seems like the one who doesn’t belong out of the current group. If he turns around and wins the season, you can hold this statement against me later.

This week’s episode gets right to the fireworks factory. Padma and Tom Colicchio enter the stew room for Judges Table. They announce to the remaining quintet of players that their next destination is a cruise ship. The players will be sailing to Alaska, which is glorious news to everyone except Brooke. On the heels of last week’s fried chicken struggles, she now has to get on a boat, something she clearly loathes.

The cheftestants return to their former home and begin to pack for the trip. While sharing a bottle of wine, they identify their favorite moments from the season. The Berry Farm and the oyster picking are provided as answers. At this point, a bit of Stefan’s back story is revealed. He served in the military! His mother told him that they were vacationing in Finland. The “vacation” turned out to be a year of driving tanks and cooking, so he owes his mother for his vocation. Also, he got to drive a tank, which is every man’s not-so-secret dream. Stefan has a good mother.

Then again, all of the great parenting in the world isn’t good enough to prevent a child from being creepy. The five participants are shown in their first few moments on the cruise ship Infinity. They immediately become cliché tourists straight down to drinking fruity beverages with umbrellas. At this point, Stefan starts dancing with Brooke, shamelessly watching her rack giggle. After a couple of moments, Brooke exclaims, “You’re too close!” This is what adult women say in lieu of “STRANGER DANGER!!!” Kristen may be gone from the show but Stefan is still capable of being maced at any moment.

Top Chef Masters host Curtis Stone joins Padma in the “enormous” kitchen. Seriously, nobody thinks about how much food preparation has to be performed for a cruise until they see kitchen and storage areas. On the minuscule chance that there is a zombie apocalypse, I suggest holing up on a cruise ship. Even if you run out of gas in the ocean, you would have enough food to survive for a couple of years. That is plenty of time for the new zombie overlords to establish their regime and determine your place in it, assuming said place is not on the dinner table with an apple in your mouth. These are the things I think about while I’m writing reality show recaps.

The Quickfire challenge requires the five players to create the Welcome Aboard menu for the arriving guests. This brutal challenge demands that the chefs craft iceberg lettuce-based single bites of food for 200 guests in two hours. This feels like a Dinner: Impossible challenge rather than a Top Chef Quickfire. Stefan mocks Josh’s confusion over the dish, highlighting the “iceberg” joke for the cruise. Personally, I give Josh the benefit of doubt about expecting better of Top Chef’s producers than a subpar Titanic reference.

While Josh ponders icebergs, Lizzie complains about the equipment. This kitchen is designed to withstand stormy weather on rough seas. There are no flames; electric heat is used instead. Also, all of the ovens and whatnot have special locks to prevent them from flying open during a perfect storm. Since I’ve seen that movie and watched the ship flip upside down, I doubt that baked goods would be the primary concern at such a moment. The counterpoint is that I do see the rationale that if you are about to drown at sea, you may want a cupcake just before being released from the mortal coil.

“They’re freezing upstairs and I think, you know, Padma should have something warm in her mouth.” – Stefan, demonstrating exactly why Padma cannot wait for him to be gone. Apparently, you can sexually harass a person when they’re not even in the room. Who knew?

None of the chefs is enthusiastic about their performance during the challenge. They had all grown accustomed to the Top Chef Kitchen. The new working environment is exponentially larger. There is no familiarity with any of the equipment, as Lizzie had noted. Even the trip to the serving area is a pain in the ass. Stefan sardonically notes that he had to walk for 12 minutes to get there. That’s like a mile and a half if he is not exaggerating.

Curtis Stone has quickly developed a reputation on Top Chef Masters as a very nice man and that perception holds as he evaluates the five dishes. He goes out of his way to compliment something about every bite. Padma largely goes along with him although she points out that Brooke violated the “one bite” premise of the challenge. Stone acknowledges that the same is true of Lizzie, reducing the field to one of the men.

Eventually, Sheldon is declared the winner for what was the most disgusting looking plate of food. He served a Vietnamese lettuce wrap with pork, shrimp & pickled iceberg hearts. It was probably just an illusion of the eye but I thought at one point that the shrimp moved. I was debating eight or nine jokes about the dish right up until Stone declared that Sheldon had won so those would seem out of place now. Sheldon’s “prize” is the ability to pick the best ingredients for the Elimination challenge. Personally, I’d rather have $5,000 or a car.

Before the challenge begins, the chefs are afforded a rare opportunity to hang out, enjoying some downtime on the cruise ship. The first stop is a manicure. This is a novel experience for Sheldon while Lizzie is thrilled to discover that the technician is a fellow South African. The tenor of the conversation is dramatically altered when Lizzie announces that her father recently died. There are a lot of Top Chef contestants fretting over the health of their families this season.

While Lizzie and Sheldon are pampered, Brooke, Stefan and Joshua sit outside and drink. Joshua cracks me up by stating, “Where I come from, men don’t get manicures.” I’m with you, brother. Alas, the humor of the moment is undone by Stefan’s usage of the words “kinky manicure.” I’m guessing that Stefan has some fetishes that even the darkest recesses of the internet consider unbecoming.

The next segment of Top Chef is what James Bond fans would recognize as the Obvious Trap. The participants are invited to dine at QSine, an avant-garde restaurant that features upside down lamps and the world’s quirkiest plating of dishes. The menu is an iPad with an app specifically for the purpose of ordering meals, which seems a lot more decadent now than it will in about five years. Using 250 iPads for orders instead of the waiters who are still serving the customers anyway is an odd financial expenditure.

Joshua and Brooke continue their televised flirtation. She comments on the upside down lamps. Josh notes that he and Sheldon had discussed themseveral moments ago. Brooke replies that it must have happened “when I totally stopped listening to you.” Josh (cleverly) replies that she should “keep on not listening to me…fried chicken.” Brooke counters by asking how many challenges he has won. And then the whole situation turns into a group tea-bagging as Stefan tries to pile on.

The odd part is that Brooke really seems to like Josh, an ugly but charismatic man. Yes, they are both happily married and nothing is going to happen yet Brooke has drunk enough that her eyes reveal her (temporary) attraction. The worst aspect is that this isn’t even the strangest flirtation of the season. Kristen and Stefan locked up that trophy several episodes ago. Note to single male chefs: go on Top Chef. You can punch way, way, waaaaaaay above your weight class with the lonely women of the cast.



Dinner is served, and it looks divine. QSine serves their world famous sushi lollipops. I say that they are world famous because they are the runaway winner in a Google search for this particular food. Even as a sushi hater, I think this is a clever and delicious serving method. Of course, I totally forget about the sushi the moment the words “chocolate tombstone” are uttered. When I die, this is how I want to be buried.

While the cheftestants enjoy dessert, the trap is sprung. Padma and Curtis arrive to announce the Elimination challenge. The following evening, the players will be serving dinner for the vacationers. The goal is to create a modern version of an old staple, surf and turf. Nobody seems thrilled by the thought of this meal.

As mentioned earlier, Sheldon has first pick of proteins; the other players cannot use anything he chooses. Curiously, Sheldon is overwhelmed by freedom of choice. His indecisiveness frustrates the others, particularly Brooke. She starts rudely chanting, “Tick! Tick! Tick!” Eventually, Sheldon chooses lobster tail and beef tenderloin, causing Stefan to exclaim “WHY?” Baldy/Creepy/Thumby views this as the safest choice possible.

The Quixotic portion of the challenge forces the players to enter the labyrinthine bowels of the ship as they attempt to find ingredients. Poor Brooke notes that she is so overwhelmed by the volume of food that she is building her dish as she goes along. It is impossible for her to anticipate whether she will find the desired components. Her meal is reduced to an Easter Egg hunt.

Brooke’s mood does not improve during the next phase. There are unique serving trays at QSine. The “vessels” are a key aspect of the dining experience for the customers. Brooke is stuck with a plating experience she does not even understand. She keeps complaining that the pieces don’t fit. Brooke and Lizzie are both out of sorts this week, which worries me regarding their candidacies.

While Lizzie continues to hate the cooking equipment, the only significant cooking issue involves Josh’s dish. His scallop pasta is too soft as the deadline approaches. With only 11 minutes remaining, Josh delivers one of the most daring dish conversions in the history of Top Chef. He decides to scramble (!) his pasta like an egg. If Josh saves his dish by scrambling pasta, he is my hero. This is a premiere example of the philosophy, “Go big or go home.”

The judges for the meal include Curtis Stone, Hugh Acheson, Tom Colicchio, Padma Lakshmi and several members of the cruise staff. Tom points out that the only elimination more painful than being the first one voted out is being the one person in the final five who does not earn a spot in the final phase of the competition. Somewhere, Ed from Season 9 growls about the miscarriage of justice that cost him a spot in the final four that he had rightfully earned before the Last Chance Kitchen aspect was revealed.

Brooke again struggles with the enormous challenge of this heat. She notes that her plating item’s complexity forces her to touch each dish seven times. Presuming that there are still 200 plates being served (I never heard this confirmed during the episode), she has to perform 1,400 plate strokes sans any kitchen helpers. Frankly, too much is being asked of the cheftestants in this particular event. To Brooke’s credit, she repeatedly offers advice to Josh (and anyone else in listening range) about how to manage the time, a noble gesture.

Brooke (eventually) plates mussels & frog legs with celery root & fennel purée, papadums & shallot chutney. While I like Michigan J. Frog too much to entertain the possibility that this dish is delicious, the judges enjoy it. The funniest comment is the first one from a member of the crew who says, “I didn’t know we had frog legs onboard. Amazing!” This is presumably because nobody can find anything in the three miles of storage facility down below.

Stefan is next to plate, and his meal is a disaster. He presents braised pork belly with beer sauce, parsnip & eel ravioli that looks great from a distance. Up close, Tom points out that the sauce is at least 40% grease. And he has not gotten to the worst part yet. When the head judge of Top Chef takes a bite of the pork belly, there is an audible crunch. I mean the type of crunch that is generally reserved for audio clips in movies. I would not have believed such a noise could be real if I had not watched it happen.

Whatever Stefan has done to the dish, it is treacherous. The look on Tom’s face speaks volumes. He is genuinely afraid that he may chip a tooth if he takes another bite. There is fear in his eyes. Curtis politely states that he “loves that crunchy pork.” He also maintains that it may be a cultural issue that causes some people to enjoy…a forced trip to the dentist. Hugh makes a classic face as he tries to force his dish down. While everyone seems to enjoy the flavors of the dish, the reality is that Stefan should already have his bags packed unless somebody else messes up worse. And that is hard to imagine.

Josh attempts to continue his recent hot streak. He serves scrambled scallops with braised pork belly & bacon. I am very curious to hear what the judges think of his scrambled scallops. It is a desperate cooking maneuver yet somehow an ingenious one as well. The eventual decision is that Josh’s inventiveness is impressive. After spending the season establishing himself as a traditionalist, this forced bit of improvisation reveals a side of Josh nobody knew existed. Not only is he safe from elimination, he has a real chance at winning the challenge.

Sheldon is less fortunate. He presents Korean BBQ filet mignon, (dynamite) tempura lobster, sesame cabbage, kimchi & teriyaki sauce. The judges meet his dish with a collective yawn. Hugh goes so far as to ponder why people are still attempting tempura. He points out that the other aspects of the dish are good, noting that the history of surf and turf explains this. People want two types of dishes that are not married. Tom quickly notes that the dishes are “not even dating.” Everyone has a good laugh at this, but I still believe Sheldon is safe tonight. He seemed to understand and respect the tenets of the challenge enough to stave off elimination.

Lizzie plates last. As she does so, she takes this final opportunity to point out how much she despises the kitchen equipment. I do not expect Lizzie to take a job as a cruise chef anytime soon. Her dish is cabbage stuffed with suckling pig & scallops with mustard sour cream. The flaw with the dish is readily apparent. She has not cooked the cabbage long enough. When the judges attempt to cut into the cabbage, it falls apart. Undercooked cabbage is also a nasty flavor. Everyone agrees that the overall taste of the dish is quite good. The ruined component does not stand out enough to overwhelm the other flavors. Lizzie won’t be winning tonight but she also won’t be going home, either.

The judges sound quite pleased with the overall quality of food. They converse about who deserves to win. The conversation focuses upon Brooke and Josh although Curtis Stone is an ardent supporter of Lizzie’s dish. Diametrically opposed is Hugh, who believes Lizzie should be in the bottom group. A couple of the cruise employees point their fingers in the direction of Stefan while Sheldon’s tempura is also a frustrating subject.

All five chefs are called to Judges Table. Praise is lavished upon Brooke, who seems like a slam dunk to win. Then, Sheldon is queried regarding his ingredients. He again states his frustration with them, which irritates Tom. The head judge notes that Sheldon was the one who picked first so he is the last person who should be complaining about ingredients. Those of us who watched Sheldon sway in the breeze, paralyzed with indecision, appreciate his comments. For whatever reason, he could not get a handle on this challenge.

The true grilling is reserved for Stefan. Tom politely starts by mentioning the grease in the sauce. Given his upcoming dentistry needs, this is a kindness I had not expected. Then, Hugh mentions that Stefan suffered a failure in the conceptualization phase of the dish. Before Stefan can perform any spin doctoring, Tom launches into the discussion of the pork belly. The face of Top Chef has a complete understanding of Stefan’s mistakes in the dish. And the expression on his face reveals that Stefan’s execution is imminent.

The winner is obviously Brooke although Josh finished closer to the top than should have been possible. Scrambled scallops? Who knew? Brooke’s prize for winning is another cruise. “That’s ironic,” she states. What she is thinking is, “Great, now I have to get on another damned boat.” Lizzie and Josh are also informed that they are safe from elimination.

There is an attempt to heighten suspense that Sheldon may go home. On the heels of Kristen’s removal instead of Josie, this would be another staggering mistake. Stefan has not had his heart in the competition most of the season. His elimination felt like a foregone conclusion heading into the episode. The teeth-shattering pork belly simply confirmed the result. Tom sagely notes that Sheldon “just seemed to freeze up here”, which is exactly correct. It’s a small mistake in comparison to a brutal one. Stefan is voted out of Top Chef.

During his closing comments, Stefan demonstrates more grace than he ever had during two seasons on the series. He is clearly more focused on talking to his mother than on what happens. Of course, what happens next is that he faces Kristen in Last Chance Kitchen. The locality has changed to Alaska, and Stefan is reunited with “Wifey.”

What happens next is more than a little bit disturbing. As Stefan hits on Kristen, she flirts back. In the weeks since their separation, she has missed him. She LIKES him. It’s like Sandra Bullock and Jesse James all over again. Anyway, the challenge is much more convivial than the previous ones. These two people like one another (too much) and flirt throughout the heat. Tom is thrilled to discover that both dishes are delicious, but the result is obvious. Even Stefan is rooting for Kristen to win, which is exactly what happens.

There are now five players remaining in the competition. Stefan is not one of them. Kristen is, though. If the other four Top Chef contestants in Alaska knew this, they would have serious concerns. Kristen may yet win Top Chef despite her falling victim to The Josie Show.