Survivor: Philippines - Reunion
By Ben Willoughby
December 19, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
So it’s time now for the dreaded Survivor reunion, where we revisit all those contestants we hoped we'd never have to see again. It’s like Tribal Council for a whole episode, except with softball questions and montage clips! Will we get to the bottom of the deep-burning issues of the season? Or gain a better understanding of what it takes to win Survivor? Probably not, for two reasons – the returning castaways, and Jeff Probst.
Before we start, let’s have a brief recap of Denise’s journey with plenty of shots of Denise being tough in challenges and everyone congratulating Denise when they are voted out, or calling her name from the voting booth. See, Malcolm? It wasn’t all about you.
Probst welcomes us back and moves straight into the interview. “Denise, were you seen by the fans as an underdog?” “Absolutely,” says Denise. So it’s not just an answer she says in Tribal Council. Current and future therapy patients of Denise – when she says “absolutely,” she’s just buying time while she thinks up her real response. Which this time is about always having to think and re-think because they were losing challenges and she was joining tribe after tribe. Denise thought her game was going to be over when they reached the final four phase. “So, your biggest move was cutting Malcolm,” says Probst, desperate for a chance for a cross to Malcolm. “Yeah, 100%. I had to cut him.”
“Malcolm, you had a chance! Why not just lie to Denise?” Malcolm says he took a page from the “Penner ways to get voted out playbook,” and explains “I thought I had it locked with Skupin and Lisa.”
Now it’s that time where Probst asks everyone who they would have voted for in a different final tribal council situation. If Malcolm made it to the end with Denise, would he win? Only two people would have voted for him – Jeff Kent and Lisa. The others – except for RC, who is still standing behind her Lisa vote – all would have voted for Denise. What about if it was Malcolm, Lisa and Michael? Though I’m sure we all know the answer there.
So, back to Denise. “So, you’re a sex therapist.” Probst asks her what her clients think now they’ve seen you all vulnerable and wearing a bikini? Denise highlights the positives, saying it’s been full of “unexpected gifts” and she’s had a lot of conversations with her clients about things like religion and body image and just trying to do something different.
A big issue in the game is trust, but instead of asking the sex therapist if it’s an issue for her clients, who tell her their most personal secrets, to see her kneecapping her closest ally throughout the game, he blurts out “Lisa, you betrayed Malcolm too!” and that she was plotting to get rid of him even as he took her on that nice reward out of the goodness of his heart. “It was also strategic of him to take me to the reward,” says Lisa. Sorry Denise, that’s the last we’ll see of you until you get your check.
Probst is still going on like Michael on sugar. “Penner, you had a chance at this! You had an offer for a final four and you’re over there sitting so smug saying ‘I don’t know, I’ll get back to you’”. Penner, with his hairpiece, says he didn’t feel smug but he had always been scrambling. He adds that the reason Lisa trusted him was that he had never lied to him, and he wanted to maintain that and didn’t realize that the game had already switched to the part where you had to start lying to people.
“What was the deal with you and Jeff Kent?” “Ask Jeff,” says Jonathan. “But I never wrote your name down, buddy,” says Jeff Kent. He goes on to talk about how he wanted to deflect attention away from him, so he dumped it all on Jonathan. Jeff Kent goes on to talk about a move he was going to make with him, Carter, Jonathan and Denise at some point, but Denise was the problem and she wouldn’t commit. I think he must be talking about the vote immediately after the merge, when he and Carter went with the Tandang four plus Malcolm and Denise to split the vote between RC and Jonathan.
And why did Jonathan vote for Abi, which led to Jeff Kent’s exit? Jeff Kent thinks that even Jonathan doesn’t know why he made that vote. He then spouts a load of bull about how if the vote hadn’t gone that way, he and Jonathan would still be on that island together. I’m sure the production crew wouldn’t have left them behind. Would they?
“Michael, surprised that you didn’t get more votes?” Michael goes on about how when you play as hard as he does, you kind of expect to get all of them. “Because you know what you personally did... and I clawed and fought the whole game.” He doesn’t think that Lisa or Denise did the same? All confidence, no objectivity. Probst wants to mock, I mean, clarify: “Sitting there, at the last Tribal Council... you fully expect that you deserve to win?” “You just go on with that mind-set. You go in, you played hard, I just think I...” Probst cuts him off.
“How about you, Lisa?” “I’m pretty realistic about the game I played,” implying that Michael isn't – heh. “And as much as she would have loved to have won the million dollars – or the six hundred thousand...” she says the experience itself has been worth the million dollars. She even brings up the Facts of Life theme song. I wonder if she ever reminisces about when George Clooney was on the show?
The reference to Jeff Kent’s exit speech is like a worm on a hook for Probst. “Your $600,000 comment...” “Could be less now,” Jeff Kent chirps. Probst thinks his exit speech is the best ever. What about Christy from Survivor Amazon and her “evil step-sisters”? But why does multi-millionaire Jeff Kent care so much? “This is a very competitive game. Baseball’s a game of anticipation, and I think this game’s the same.” He goes on about how the anticipation at Tribal Council increases your adrenalin drive and that “draws you in to compete.” Fair enough.
Probst then says that the Survivor crew learned an “ironic” lesson from Jeff Kent. “Every time we had a challenge that Jeff Kent lost, I expected to hear complaining, but every time he’d say ‘Hey, they got us, we’ll beat them next time.’ So I did learn something from you”. Why is that an ironic lesson? Oh right, because it was whiny Jeff Kent who taught it.
Are we going to learn about the moment people learned Jeff Kent was a major league baseballer? Or what the jury thought when Jonathan outed Lisa as being on The Facts of Life? No.
Instead, Probst switches to playing a montage of Michael getting hurt, and calls him “Mr. Magoo.” Abi hitting Michael with the coconut is the highlight. Probst claims he was getting calls about Michael’s self-harm every other day. Michael puts it all down to “playing hard” and how these things didn’t affect him out there because of his playing hard. Probst then presents Michael with the mask he broke in the Episode 3 reward challenge.
Anyway, we go to commercial with Probst reminding us that this was the 25th season, and taking a moment to thank the audience and remind us that “Survivor is still the most-watched show Wednesdays at 8.”
Now it’s time to get a recap of Lisa’s personal journey, as though this wasn’t described in detail every episode of the show. Was she concerned about her image? Lisa didn’t think about it, she was just so excited. Plus, she’s not a make-up and high-heel wearing kind of girl like the fictional character everyone compares her to.
“The Christianity, that was such a big part. Was that a concern?” Lisa says it was, because prayer “just doesn’t translate well” when it's televised. She says it makes prayer sound like “God cares who wins Survivor. I don’t think God cares who wins Survivor, has a favorite football team, has a favorite country or even a favorite religion.” She says God cares about Denise, who won a million dollars, just as much as He cares about Lisa, who didn’t.
Probst says that the dilemma we saw at home was “this devilish game, which is pitted against your Christianity.” Lisa takes us through her personal journey of spending a lifetime of wanting to be good, but nothing about Survivor reflects the character of God. But then Lisa realized that it’s okay to be human and sometimes good and sometimes bad, both within the game and outside, and that Christianity is about acceptance. It would have been great if Lisa had realized that earlier. For a start, she could have practiced “telling lies” and “deception” like other contestants practice starting fires and making poles.
Probst has to ask, “then for someone like you, what’s the appeal of Survivor?” Lisa talks about “love of this game,” which makes no sense, and about a book she read about “living from your gut, not from your head.” She even met with the author about how to do that, and his advice was “put yourself in a situation out of your control, and it will happen.” So, Survivor! Whenever people talk about “thinking with your gut,” I always think about John Cusack in High Fidelity saying his gut has crap for brains.
We can’t leave Lisa without a look at her most emotional moment – brother Justice! “What did he say to you? Because you were very different before and after he left.” Come on, Probst, we saw this on the show! How many previouslies did you narrate about it? What sort of attention-challenged unicorn chasers do you think watch this show? I’m not even going to bother recapping the answer because I. Respect. My. Audience.
Probst next has to talk about the rain, because it rained for 21 days. And when Russell was in his previous season in Samoa, it rained for about the same number of days. We all know by now that God hates Russell, but do we need any more conclusive proof than this? Russell, can you describe how it felt to have rain every single day? “Cold, wet and miserable” is basically Russell’s answer. Next, Probst will ask what it feels like to eat food after winning a reward challenge.
Probst flips to Dana, who was evacuated this season. She can barely remember any of it, being “a little delusional.” She thanks Probst for showing up, and laments that she never went to Tribal Council or had a vote against her. Maybe she'll be back? Not likely.
After the commercial break, we are going to talk with Malcolm and Abi. Malcolm first.
Malcolm’s journey is recapped with the Matsing disaster followed by him getting his swagger back and reconsidering what he’s been doing with his life. Probst says that Malcolm has broken a lot of hearts by not winning – and his is broken the most.
Probst takes Malcolm back to that last challenge and compares it to Ozzy a few seasons ago, where “if you could win it, you could dictate what happened in the end. Did you have a sense, when you walked up and saw what it was, that you were in trouble?” Malcolm knew he was toast right away because he “has the least steady hands on the planet.” He had “clown tears” when he walked up, and couldn’t even do it with 100 chances.
Next question is basically “how do you feel being on a reality show, and you’re really, really popular and adored by everyone?” Oh yuck. Malcolm says it’s “nice,” and kind of a relief because when you go on the show you’re not entirely sure how you’re going to be perceived.
“Where does it come from, this ability – like Ozzy – to climb trees and swim and fish?” Not that we saw Malcolm do those things all the time or showboat about it like Ozzy did. And this is just gross. Probst can hardly contain his drool. Malcolm talks about “swagger” and self-confidence, and then the whale shark.
“The take-away from this show. Frustration?” Definitely, says Malcolm, but he’s a competitive guy and wants to win and is still mad about getting voted off. Would you play again? Probst is desperate for the chance to run his fingers through Malcolm’s hair. “I’d seriously consider playing again,” says Malcolm. Are his hands shaking?
Last question from Probst. “When you leave here tonight, and are on the streets are you single or available?” Is Malcolm going to be walking back to his hotel when a limo slowly pulls up beside him and the window winds down to reveal Probst and a wad of cash inside? “Single,” responds Malcolm. So, not available to you, Probst.
Probst says that he’s not sure we can have a great season without a great villain. “Fortunately for this season, we had Abi.” We get a montage of Abi pouts, passive-aggression, tongue stick-outs, grumpy-faces and people mocking her.
Probst’s first question, paraphrased is, “You have never been referred to as unlikeable? Really?” Abi confirms that it was the first time, and the show was a “huge learning experience and I have a lot of growing to do.” “How so?” asks Probst. “Did you... watch the show?” Hey, Abi is suddenly awesome!
Now Probst is defending Abi, saying he kept throwing out it was something cultural, and people would respond “are you nuts?” What does Abi want to change? She saw herself as “very abrasive, very passive-aggressive, my emotions on my sleeves, I need to change that.” So yes Probst, it was Abi and you are nuts.
Probst replays the clip where Abi calls Michael an idiot and a moron. “Cultural,” mocks Malcolm. I think if I wanted to show Abi’s worst side I’d show a clip of her when she felt on top, not when she was scrambling to prove she is so unlikable that she should go further in the game.
Time to hear from RC and Pete about Abi. RC agrees that Abi was her downfall and “she would not listen to any reason whatsoever.” And according to RC, that’s why they’re both losers. What about Pete? He says that setting Abi and RC against each other, well... “it was funny.” RC jumps in to say that “I’m glad Pete has such long arms to pat himself on the back, because it was the worst move imaginable, so he’s the one person congratulating himself.” Pete has obviously heard this before. “I guess some people are still a little bitter.” I’m so glad the Tandang alliance was doomed.
After the break, it’s time to see which player will win $100,000 – or $60,000 once Obama takes his cut – for the Sprint Player of the Season award. It was apparently the closest it’s ever been, and at the very end the difference between the winner and runner-up was 0.7%. It comes down to Malcolm and Lisa, and the winner is Lisa! That’s nice, because she lost all her Facts of Life money in the Wall Street crash of ’87. Probst rubs it in for Malcolm, “once again it was just this close.”
Let’s check in on the castaways that we’ve all forgotten about! Angie came out “with her heart.” She had a “great time, the best experience of my life.” Probst suggests that Zane quit. Zane did not – he just made a “very very bad move, very, very bad.” Roxy actually did speak in tongues on the beach, but no regrets there.
Probst asks Katie – who is looking very orange tonight – if she is mad at him for picking on her at the challenges, because “it seemed like I was saying ‘Katie in the rear, Katie behind.’” Is he obsessed with Katie’s poor performance or her ass? Katie’s all good, she had a blast.
Artis, were you angry during the game? “Entirely your perception,” avers Artis. He goes back to his pre-show interview where he said that if “I’m not smiling, I look like I’m about to take your head off. There’s nothing wrong with me.” After watching the show, he started to think he “was the angry black man.” Then have more of an impact on the game, and fewer interviews that go “I’m angry they are enjoying the reward which is rightfully ours,” Artis. I did enjoy that one charming interview just before you were voted out, though.
Carter was a disappointment, according to Probst, because he was this “bubbly, talkative, really funny guy,” while Carter on the show was “duh.” What happened? “The first part of the game was ridiculously hard for me,” says Carter talking about the rain and the hunger, but the second part was better with coconuts and sunshine and new people. Is Carter still hungry? I think he's still hungry.
And now the one we’ve all been waiting for. “Dawson, I have to say, no one... oh my God” says Probst as Dawson runs down, grabs his neck and plants one on Probst’s lips. “She got it in,” Probst confirms “but fortunately, she doesn’t kiss anywhere as good as my wife.” Did you know that Probst’s wife was formerly married to the guy who played Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell? Now you do.
Now let’s see where Survivor is going in its 26th season! Back to the Caramoan Islands in the Philippines! And because Survivor’s had a lot of diehard fans, the castaways will be ten “ultimate fans” and ten “favorite players”.
Will the favorites’ experience make them an “unstoppable force”? Probably not, if you’ve seen the spoiler list of returning players floating around on Survivor fan sites. Will the fans “enthusiasm and deep knowledge” of the game help them overcome the veterans? Probably not, given how terrible the “fans” were at the game last time they tried this concept. Even this season, we had plenty of self-described fans – RC, Malcolm, Jeff Kent, Lisa. How many were good at playing Survivor?
Anyway, it’s time for Probst to wrap things up by handing over the check to Denise – no over-sized novelty check, either – and Probst makes another reference to $600,000 but Denise says it’s “life-changing” and will go a long way in Iowa. Then he pimps the Survivor auction, makes a pitch for people watching to send in an audition tape and thanks everyone for a great season.
And it was a great season. We had some good game play to get behind, a lot of poor game play for our amusement, some big personalities, the comeuppances they deserved and a worthy winner. But more than anything, what made this season a good one more was the unpredictability, especially after the merge when alliances hadn’t fully formed and no one really knew what was going on. Here’s hoping for more of the same next time.