Survivor Philippines: Finale Pt 2
Million Dollar Question
By Ben Willoughby
December 18, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The next morning, they decide to take a hike up the cliff to talk about what a great experience this was. Michael says “this is 39 days of adventure that you’ll never forget for the rest of your life.” I think I might forget the "boring, sitting around camp listening to people you don’t like" parts.
When they get to the tree-mail, they find baskets of food for the now-traditional Survivor final three mimosa brunch. Michael is in charge of the frying, and even today every time he is near a campfire he has to remember not to fall in.
Over brunch, Lisa and Michael reassure themselves about the final three. “This feels good,” says Lisa, talking about the camaraderie. “No runaway,” says Michael. “It truly should go any direction,” agrees Lisa. Ha ha ha ha ha. Then they assemble the camp for the ritual burning.
Heading off to the jury, Lisa talks about what a great experience and how she’s much stronger and how much gratitude she has blah blah blah, I can’t be bothered listening to the same stuff over and over again any more. How much longer is this going to last?
Anyway, it’s the final Tribal Council and here are the jury members, including the eighth and final bitter juror, Malcolm. Malcolm at last has a new hairband.
Probst goes through his “power shifts to the jury... they will decide who’s most worthy” spiel. Then it’s time for the opening statements.
Denise says that she’s not going to apologize for being in the final three, and that she’s proud of it and deserves to be there. She talks about how she adapted to three tribes, and this gave her time to build alliances and sub-alliances. And she talks about proving her value at challenges and at being a strategic player unafraid to make moves. She has been to every single Tribal Council, and outwitted, outplayed and outlasted all of you losers on the jury.
Lisa says that all three of them outwitted, outplayed and outlasted the jury, they just did it in different ways. Her strategy “was not pretty”. It was “run wide open and then fall down.” Then she would “dust myself off and start running again.” She says that her mistakes were about not following her heart, and it wasn’t until brother Justice visited that she finally got the message, “Trust your gut and remember this is a game” and that she “could play this game worthy of the game” and she “threw a punch that knocked out the heavyweight player of the season.” That’s her pitch? That essentially she has been playing the game for five days? She’s not going to win.
Michael’s argument is that as a returning player, his back was always up against the wall and that’s why he “did things with such fire.” Like in his Australian season! And he “can’t play this game any other way. I love this game too much.” I think that argument beats the minimum standard of “better than Lisa’s,” but that’s not the laundry list of things he could have said.
Here’s what I think he should have said: “I was on the bottom at Tandang, so I worked really hard at challenges to make sure I wasn’t eliminated. From Day 1 I was always next out, and every day I worked to be the one out after next out. At the merge, I had to adapt and go under the radar - even though it was against my nature. I only switched to a new alliance when it became obvious my old alliance was going to turn on me, and I made new alliances that took me further in the game. That's not flip-flopping, that’s adapting. More than anyone else sitting here, I did what I had to do to survive.” On paper, I don’t think Michael played a poor game, and he doesn’t have a bad story to tell. But when you actually listen to him talk, you realize he’s about as self-aware as Abi and that’s a big part of why he made the final three.
Anyway, it’s time for the jury questions. Bring it on! Bring on the bitterness!
Artis is first. He claims to have a “heavy heart... Normally, this is the part of the game where you should be congratulated.” But Artis “cannot do this. If you started the game with a holier-than-thou attitude, talking about loyalty and you end up playing a game contradicting that, you end up reaping what you sow.” Artis “held true to all my alliances, and... karma is a b[-word that is not bastard].” It’s great how people still demand loyalty from people they treated like excrement.
Carter is next. He congratulates Lisa because people saw her as “an easy target” but she’s sitting up there and he isn’t. “Good job,” he says, not realizing Lisa is there because she is an easy target. He notes that Michael’s name was around more than anyone’s and says they “played a good game, you guys.” But Carter wants to know about when he was sent packing, because he “couldn’t have played harder.” Michael explains that there was “no reason to keep you if anyone else was going to have a shot” and “friendship and game have to be separated.” “Thanks man, I appreciate that sincerely,” Carter monotones. Is he still hungry?
Pete says to Lisa that while she herself never voted for Artis or Pete, she still played a “Judas” in that she knew who was going home and didn’t share the news. Lisa corrects him that she did not know Artis was going home. Though she obviously knew that Pete was. “OK,” says Pete.
Now Denise, why did you play a better game than those other two? Denise says she went from tribe to tribe. She had to play a strategic game and a social game, always giving a reason to "why she should stay with the tribe". Then at the merge, it was the same thing. Tandang made the mistake of voting out RC instead of picking off the Kalabaws one by one. “But there were fractures and I worked with that.”
RC claims to have wanted Lisa out from Day 1 because she knew this would happen. Why does RC think Lisa is such a smart player? Anyway, she wants to know from Michael if there was anything he should have told her on Day 19. Michael says that he thought Jonathan was going home, but he played his idol and the RC vote was a complete blindside. RC’s questions are all interspersed with her horse laugh. It’s like she’s one of Seinfeld’s exes.
Malcolm didn’t have questions before this started, but after hearing Lisa’s speech he threatens that he is “considering writing her name down tonight.” Whoa, extreme measures! He says to Denise that this appeasing has to stop and he wants to know how she played better than the others and why she deserves it more. In other words, this is really a gift question for Denise.
Denise’s answer is that she “listened and observed” and “some of that is appeasing”. But there’s “value to playing that social piece... value in listening” and she was playing the game every step of the way. She couldn’t not bring that into the game because it’s who she is and “that’s why I’m sitting here and you’re standing there.”
Malcolm notes that Denise got hung up on the word “appeasing” and re-asks the question. “How did you beat these two?” “By the strategy that I played,” is Denise’s answer. “I don’t think they played that kind of a strategic game.” Bad answer. Denise! Name a single strategic thing that you did on your own!
Jeff Kent’s turn. He says that all the jury share in the bitterness. He’s bitter too, but he claims he can handle it really well. Anyway, Jeff Kent has observed that there are three types of people – people who make things happen, people that watch things happen and people who wonder what the hell just happened. Which are you, Michael? Michael believes he makes things happen, because of one of his family mottos – do you want to watch the news or make the news? I’d be very, very worried any time Michael made the news. Michael talks about how his neck was on the chopping block while Lisa and Denise were not under threat.
Lisa, can you give Jeff Kent any examples of when she wasn’t in the middle? Or did you just float along like Denise? Lisa says she never floated in the middle, but she should have. She points out that she was the first to try and get rid of Malcolm and dopey old Pete effed it up big-time. But that’s Jeff Kent’s point, that she tried to make something happen and couldn’t, so she agreed with everyone else. Lisa replies that her plan was to keep Tandang strong, and that when the move against Malcolm did not materialize, she said to everyone at Tribal Council “go with Plan B. That’s not floating in the middle... That’s pretty vocal”. It’s also what caused Jeff Kent to get voted out. Thanks for the reminder, Lisa.
Abi claims that her “heart is broken” by being named the “most unlikable” by all three of them. Can you imagine going on a date with Abi and then not calling the next day? Lisa, why are you deserving? Lisa says that she was “true to the end with her alliance... until it disintegrated.” If that hadn’t happened, the two of them plus Artis and Pete would have been the final four.
To Michael: “Do you even care that I would write your name down or not?” It would be kind of cool if Michael said “no,” but Michael thinks he deserves Abi’s vote. Abi gives her most confused look of the season. Outwit, outplay, outlast, Michael did it! Abi says that one of the “core values of the game is not out-disrespect”. I agree, and obviously Abi turning disrespect into a competition is a big reason why Abi’s sitting on the jury. Just imagine, if she were just a little more respectful, she would be in the final three.
To Denise: “You made it clear that you do not respect my game, that I was the most unlikable person”. Denise makes a quasi-apology about “Hindsight being 20/20, and while there were sentiments that she still stands behind, there may have been a different way to handle it.” In other words, if only I had kept my mouth shut about what a royal pain Abi was, but it was just so frustrating! Denise apologizes if the sentiments she said caused actual trauma, but their “philosophies and strategies do not match.”
Now it’s Jonathan’s turn, and he puts on the biggest, bitterest performance of all. I’ll skip the intro about how painful it is for him and everyone to see everyone sitting there. “Denise...the one thing you were concerned about is that you did not want to be seen as a b[-word that is not bastard]. Rest assured that you have shown the world that side.” Big eyes from Denise, but she keeps quiet.
To Michael: “I don’t think your name has been written down one time in this entire game. I had the proud distinction of having my name written down I believe 15 times, which may be a record.” On reflection, Philip Shepherd has more, but he goes on. “I know you’re sitting here saying there’s this big target on your back, but however you scrambled and dissembled, back-stabbed and flip-flopped, you were able to avoid having your name written down even once. You may have a perfect record even after tonight.” What next? Will Jonathan say what a great audience the jury is, and they should try the veal?
To Lisa: “My friend. We got close out here. Would you like to share with everybody, or will I?” Lisa says either one, she doesn’t mind. Not sure what her strategy is here. Maybe she thought giving Jonathan more opportunity to perform would win his vote?
Jonathan continues. “Lisa was a television star. She spent nine years on the television program The Facts of Life. From the age of 12 to the age of 21, she was America’s sweetheart. You guys deserve to know that before you vote or don’t vote for her. She has kept that from all of you, and I have kept her secret until now.” Everyone is shocked. Monocles would be rolling on the floor if they had them.
Lisa asks if Jonathan or anyone else shared what they did as a teenager, and Jonathan’s response is basically sneaking cigarettes behind the gym and listening to Rush albums would not affect the outcome of the game.
Anyway, Jonathan’s not done yet. He says, “I think that one of you has ridden the other two in here, like oxen. You have been yoked to a cart and have been ridden in and now you will be led to the slaughter. And you hear the cheering and you think that the million dollars is yours. One of you is right. One of you is standing in the chariot. For two are actually just the oxen listening to the crowd cheering for the person behind you.” Dun dun duh! It’s pretty clear that Jonathan wants all the applause for himself. Why else would he make this long tedious speech that isn’t as funny as he thinks it is? Just to rub it in their faces?
After the break, it’s time to vote. We see RC vote for Lisa (or Wonder Woman. Though I think at all times Lisa wore more clothes than Wonder Woman ever did). RC claims to have known what a threat Lisa really was, which just shows how bad a player RC was.
Jonathan is more generous in the voting booth. “Well played. Pretty flawless game. It hurts, but my congratulations to you.” That’s nice, but it doesn’t completely negate his big look-at-me moment on what is probably the last time he will ever have a large audience. More than anything, I think he’s miffed that his path to being the Sole Survivor was exactly the same one that Denise succeeded with – riding Ox Michael and Ox Lisa to the final three.
Carter votes for “Skoopin.” Joke writes itself.
Probst collects the urn, thanks everyone for a great season and announces that the reading of the votes will take place back in the States and then walks out. No jetski? Denise makes an awkward face and that’s that.
Wait! No! Now we’re transported live to CBS Television City. There are the castaways all looking much fatter! And there’s Probst bringing in the urn! Past the people waving paper versions of RC without faces (or even heads) but reproducing the leopard print bikini in exhausting detail.
After a moment of silence for the victims of the tragedy in Newtown, Probst reads the votes.
First is RC’s vote for Lisa.
Then Jonathan’s vote for Denise.
Then Carter’s vote for Skoopin.
And then it’s Denise – Jungle Mama (from Malcolm, I guess), Denise, Denise, and the Sole Survivor and winner of the million dollars is Denise! So even Abi (!) voted for Dense! Hooray! Free sex therapy for all Iowans!
Denise rushes over to hug her family. There’s Denise’s husband, who we met for about ten seconds. And here are the other survivors, some of whom are just as memorable! Stay tuned for the recap of the Survivor Reunion.