Survivor: Philippines - Finale Part 1
Million Dollar Question
By Ben Willoughby
December 17, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com

I can't believe I lost to Blair from The Facts of Life.

It’s time for the finale of the 25th season of “toughest and most dangerous reality competition of all time!"

Previously on Survivor, the producers decided to bring back three players medically evacuated from the game – Jonathan, Michael and Russell (not the evil one) – and also introduce two “familiar superfans” – TV teen star Lisa and baseballer Jeff Kent - who were unfamiliar to nearly everyone playing the game.

There was a storm that lasted 21 days, during which time Matsing lost every single challenge and had its last members, Malcolm and Denise, absorbed into the other tribes. Meanwhile, Lisa “learned about the Facts of Life” and her “only bond was with Michael." Also, “Abi’s attitude and Pete’s evil side” made camp life unbearable. And on Kalabaw, nothing particularly interesting happened.

And then after the merge, the Malcolm-Denise alliance and the Lisa-Michael alliance “came together”. “There’ve been blow-ups, break-ups, breakdowns and blindsides, as well as things we’ve never seen before," such as Dawson leaning in on Probst tongue-first. What will happen tonight? Maybe Probst will finally plant a big wet one on Malcolm? And more importantly, who will win the title of Sole Survivor, and the million dollar check that goes along with it?

Night 36, and the final four arrive back at camp after kicking Abi to the curb. “I feel like I’m alive,” says Michael. “Like having a tumor removed,” he continues. “When do we dance?” he asks. On the Boring Walk of Fallen Comrades, he’s probably going to take a leak on Abi’s nameplate. Anyway, only Michael and Denise are into dancing, and who wants to see that? “I’m not happy for her loss, I’m happy for our peace,” interviews Denise.

Meanwhile, Malcolm is complaining about how everyone wants to “go out with a bang” and they “throw him under the bus, with compliments” on the way out. Oh no, another thing that hasn’t gone exactly Malcolm’s way! Anyway, he says “the amount of damage control I have to do is ridiculous."

Very early next morning, Malcolm and Michael reaffirm their “final two” arrangement, which I guess they have. But who do they want in the final three with them? Michael interviews that those pessimists Lisa and Denise both think that Malcolm would be the runaway victor, but Michael thinks that “he has a better story." I look forward to hearing it.

There’s tree-mail for the next challenge already, which no one was expecting. There’s discussion about whether the usual lame challenge poem means reward or immunity, and Denise interviews that whatever it is, she needs to win.

Probst sighting! Come on in, guys! It’s a reward challenge. The castaways will race through an obstacle course, collecting bags along the way and then use the pieces in the bags to solve a puzzle. How many times have we seen this challenge this season? This is at least the third time since the merge. There was even a nearly-identical challenge last episode. Why can’t we have a “write down who you think is an awful person and then read out the results” quiz, or a “throw a ball and if you hit the target you get to burn another castaway’s effigy” challenge?

Probst talks up the reward as being “the biggest reward of the game” – an advantage in the final Immunity Challenge. Oooh! This sounds a lot less impressive after you see what happens at the final Immunity Challenge.

Anyway, the obstacles are a balance beam, then a ramp, then a bamboo maze, then another balance beam and finally another ramp so steep that you have to use a rope to pull yourself up. There are three bags, and the puzzle is a circular frame with an image of a dragon inside.

Malcolm and Michael are first over the balance beam and the first ramp, but Lisa and Denise are not far behind and everyone is working on untying the first bag at the same time. They then start the bamboo maze, and Denise hurtles through, making it out just ahead of Michael and Malcolm, but again it’s not much of an advantage and all four are untying the ropes for the second bag at the same time.

Michael is done first and starts hauling himself up the ramp, followed by Denise and Malcolm with Lisa “still struggling." But they all get their bags and get to the puzzle and start working at around the same time. As usual with the puzzle challenges, it’s hard to figure out what’s happening. Probst calls out Denise as being in the lead, while Michael is “struggling." In the end it comes down to Malcolm and Denise, with Malcolm having only four pieces left and then Malcolm winning. Denise sighs ruefully. Probst hands over a sealed advantage and tells him to keep it sealed until the next challenge. When Malcolm reads it out, I hope he includes a bunch of made-up stuff.

The castaways all arrive back at camp and talk about how exhausted they are. Everyone except Malcolm is disappointed with Malcolm’s win. Lisa says that it’s “an uphill climb just battling Malcolm” and now he has an advantage, “forget it."

Meanwhile, Malcolm interviews about how he thinks he could beat everyone in the final Tribal Council, except maybe Denise. Her story is too similar, and he feels bad for her, but it’s best for him to get rid of Denise. Denise approaches him about what to do next – can they get Lisa or Michael to vote for the other? Or is Malcolm willing to guarantee a tie so Denise can beat Lisa at fire-making? Malcolm’s response is to say they should “make a decision and then go with it. I won’t do this to you forever,” giggling inappropriately at the end.

That’s enough for Denise, who interviews that Malcolm was very hesitant to make any commitment, so she’s “leery” and it’s “scramble time." She seeks out Lisa to fill her in on her conversation with Malcolm and its “flashbacks to Penner." Lisa is “so glad to hear you talking like this” and they chat for a while about how unbeatable Malcolm would be.

“Good day!” Lisa interviews, “Denise is willing to turn on Malcolm!” They bond further by saying Malcolm is the kind of guy “who would out his arm around you, stab you, then visit you in hospital the next day” and you’re left thinking “wasn’t it sweet of him to come to visit. What a nice guy!” They hug, but as Lisa interviews it was a “Big hug. Didn’t shake her hand, didn’t give her my word."

Denise has a quick chat with Michael to say that she’d join with them to get rid of Malcolm, but then leaves when Lisa shows up. “Denise was thrilled with your conversation,” Michael says a little sarcastically. “Me too.” Lisa does not get it. Michael is less than thrilled, because he does not want to go back on his word.

The disagreement is about their chances of winning. Lisa “cannot see a scenario where Malcolm does not win” if they keep him in the final three. On the other hand, Michael is somehow convinced that he can beat Malcolm. “In the physical part of the challenge, I beat Malcolm,” he affirms, as though this is evidence that Michael can beat Malcolm in front of the jury. Note that Malcolm absolutely thrashed Michael at the mental part of the challenge to the point where it wasn't a contest. Unsurprisingly, this has gone completely over Michael’s head.

Michael thinks that he “can tell a pretty good story." What story is that? I would love to hear this story he thinks is so compelling. How no one wants a returning player to win and no one actually respects Michael or the way he plays the game should win a lot of jury votes.

As usual, Michael is not lacking in confidence, and after the beatings he got from the rest of Tandang early in the game, it’s probably what has taken him this far, but at the same time it makes Michael pretty ridiculous. I bet you could ask Michael what his chances are of stealing the Declaration of Independence, and he’d say “I’d give it a pretty good shot."

Day 38. Michael and Lisa wake up and prepare for what will be “a crazy day." Michael says that they can’t let Denise win the final immunity challenge, and Lisa believes, “We have to let her win. She hasn’t been playing the game, she’s just let Malcolm play the game for her." She interviews that she hated it when Abi used to tell her to keep Michael “on a leash,” but at the same time she sees the point. Michael’s “not that level-headed.” Michael interviews that he and Lisa “are not on the same page,” and that he wants to “create the final three instead of just falling into the final three.”

Anyway, it’s time for the Walk of Fallen Comrades. “It will be a cool thing to be able to take some time and remember them,” Malcolm erroneously claims. Couldn’t they just cut this part and make it a 90-minute episode? Do we really have to see them collect plaques?

Malcolm has to explain to everyone who Zane is. “Appeared to be a little insane,” is Lisa’s assessment. Zane thinks that there’s proof that Matsing made a mistake voting him off because “my whole tribe folded after I left.” If you think Matsing was an unmitigated disaster, imagine what it would have been like if Zane had stayed.


Roxy “had the strongest convictions about belief,” according to Denise. “Oh Angie,” sighs Malcolm before describing her as his sleeping buddy. “Sounds like a girl after my own heart,” says Lisa. Angie voice-overs that she is “not a dumb blonde” but “well-rounded” and the Survivor editors are careful to lay this over an upper body shot of Angie in her bikini.

Denise describes how Russell could not help being the leader. “Worst tribe ever,” says Russell. Humiliation for him. No one can think of anything to say about Dana, because the only one to really meet her was Denise and Dana spent most of that time writhing in agony. Dana voice-overs about how she really couldn’t go on any longer.

Dawson provided “entertainment,” according to Denise. Dawson voice-overs about how much she was “salivating” over Probst and how she “wanted to put a wet one so far up on his lips. It was a moment he and I shared, and I will never be the same.” I try never to talk about any castaway’s hotness or not-ness, but I would find Dawson so much hotter if her shtick was not “I’m sexually attracted to Jeff Probst.”

Denise has to tell everybody about Katie as well. She had a potty-mouth! Which Denise loved! We see more than one shot of Katie pulling McKayla-is-not-impressed faces. Michael talks about RC, his “first alliance” and gives a bit more background into why everyone turned on her – “her extreme methods of her playing became so obvious to everybody, she was seen as a threat.” RC voice-overs “You win some, you lose some, I’m not really used to losing.” Apparently not.

Michael talks about Jeff Kent and how he was the one “who wanted returning players gone most.” “Great,” says Denise, who covers by saying Jeff Kent is a “great athlete.” Jeff Kent voice-overs that he played baseball with a lot of spoiled brats, and maybe he was one of them, but he was glad to make it through the game without pissing a lot of people off.

Artis is described as “loyal to Tandang... loyal to a fault.” Artis’ voice-over is about how awesome Tandang was, and that the tribe should have stayed together and done what it was “tailor-made to do.” Meh – if you want a tailor-made tribe of victory, then don’t ostracise half the members of said tribe.

Pete’s voice-over is regretful that he stuck with Abi for so long. He disliked her from Day 1 he claims. I’m not sure what his options would have been if he’d dumped her, but whatever.

Jonathan was “entertainment on steroids” according to Michael. Michael was also worried about what sort of sock-knocking final Tribal Council speech Jonathan would have had if he was in the final three. That would have been some killer “look at me” bloviating, without a doubt.

Michael saw Carter “become a man” out here in the Philippines. Way to go Carter! Carter’s voice-over is basically a monotone “duh." They all laugh when they get to Abi’s plaque. Malcolm says that it’s a wonder she made it to fifth place when she was so disliked, while Abi voice-overs that she was genuinely surprised that people disliked her.

Anyway, they put all the plaques on a bamboo hut and set it on fire.

Probst sighting! Probst takes the immunity idol back from Malcolm, and for the last time it is back up for grabs.

The immunity challenge is a balancing/concentration one. Each castaway holds two wooden handles, with a piece of wood in between. Balanced on a small groove carved into the wood is a metal ball. If the ball drops, the castaway is out. To make it more difficult, the castaways have to keep adding more wood every five minutes. So not only you have to maintain balance, but also pressure.

Probst tells Malcolm to read out his “advantage.” “And he doesn’t need it,” says Michael. Malcolm knuckles Michael on the head. Anyway, Malcolm’s advantage is that he gets a second chance. If he drops the ball, he can put it back on and keep going.

The first stage is pretty boring, and everyone makes it through. Everyone adds two lengths of wood, and Probst blabs on. Shortly into the second stage, Malcolm drops his ball. But don’t worry, he has a second shot! Everyone else can put down what they are holding and take a break, while Malcolm gets re-set. And we resume.

“Everyone solid except Malcolm,” goes the Probst commentary. “Flirting with disaster.” “Another amazing recovery.” Malcolm’s hands are quivering the whole time, and his ball finally drops again. Probst sends him to the bench and rubs it in – even with his advantage, Malcolm was “still the first person out of this challenge.”

Denise is next out, and it’s the end of the second stage. Lisa and Michael add two more lengths of wood, and make it through the third stage. They add another two lengths of wood and Probst steps up the mind-eff commentary “don’t think about anything, nothing, nothing, nothing, except this. This is it right here. This little piece of wood is all you should be thinking about blah blah blah.” Anyway, eventually Lisa’s ball can’t keep balance and Michael wins final immunity.

Michael is “safe tonight” and then according to Probst has “gone as far as he can go.” Probst is absolutely right.

They all go back to camp. Malcolm interviews that he needed to win, but whenever “I get nervous, around a girl or anything,” his hands start to shake. Hey Malcolm’s poker buddies – there’s Malcolm’s tell. Now Malcolm has to rely on Lisa and Michael.

Lisa congratulates Michael: “You beat him.” “Right when we needed it,” confirms Michael. In interview, Michael says “it wasn’t even close” and this is where I start to worry that Michael’s ego is stroked to the point where he thinks he can out-argue Malcolm in front of the jury. Doesn’t he realize that telling a story and balancing a ball are two different skill-sets? Also, the Declaration of Independence is still safe.

Malcolm interviews that it’s the first time in a while that he hasn’t been calling the shots. He’s hoping that it doesn’t matter, but notes cautiously that people are playing for a million dollars. Cue snake footage. Malcolm is talking with Lisa and Michael about how Denise will be asking them to vote for him. “Should we all just play along? asks Lisa. “No!” is Malcolm’s amused response, before he realizes what Lisa means. Malcolm doesn’t care what they tell Denise, so long as they are writing her name down.

Denise interviews that she is so mad, because Malcolm could have sided with her and they could have had a tie-breaker and then a fire challenge that Denise (or Malcolm) would presumably win. But it’s not going to happen, so she’s gunning for Malcolm.

She describes Michael as a “dreamer guy... who may not see the repercussions of taking the best of the best of the best to the end.” Heh – Denise, Top Gun fan. “I am one stubborn, determined woman.” Michael explains to Denise that he has this “weird instinctive primitive” thing to go against the best, and beat them. “Is there any honor in that?” he says, like there’d be no honor in beating Lisa and Denise.

Denise has to agree with Michael, so she says that “there is honor in that, to some extent.” But she highlights the risks involved that in taking on the best, you’re more likely to fail. But in interview, Michael is all “straight up” and “man-to-man” and “two warriors” and “I won three individual challenges, he won three individual challenges” so you know he really doesn’t understand this game. Anyway, Denise closes by claiming her genuine respect for and real friendship with Lisa and Michael.

Now Michael is jawing with Malcolm. “I just heard your comrade out,” says Michael bluntly. “She’s such a sweetheart,” Malcolm replies insincerely. Michael in interview, calls back to what his wife said when he left for Survivor: “make us proud of you.” His interpretation of that is not “win the million dollars” or “don’t embarrass yourself by being an idiot,” but “not going against his word.” But Lisa’s assessment is that “handing the title of Sole Survivor on a platter to Malcolm would be stupid.”

Time for Tribal Council. “How big a factor are alliances at this point in the game?” Probst asks Michael. “It’s always a factor,” is where his answer ends up.

What about the impact of starting the game together, Denise? She gives a long answer that begins with her usual “Absolutely”, and while it has an impact, so do new alliances you make along the way. “Malcolm, there’s clearly some loyalty to Denise, but it’s complicated." Malcolm observes that the people you are with on Day 1 aren’t necessarily the people you’re close to at the end of the game, and now he’s considering getting rid of Denise. Probst acts like this is some big surprise.

Denise describes Malcolm and her as separated at birth, but of course with their time apart she’s concerned. Malcolm says more or less the same thing. Both agree they had to form new relationships in the game, but it was to a Final Four and they both knew that, so everything's cool.

Probst notes that while there is division between Malcolm and Denise, Lisa and Michael seem harmonious. Lisa cuts in to highlight that they were in an “open relationship” because Michael jumped ship while Lisa stayed with her Tandang colleagues sitting over there on the jury. Probst likens this to “unrequited love.” Not really. Malcolm agrees that the Lisa-Michael relationship is a “sweet story” but reading it is hard.

What about favors, specifically the one that Malcolm gave Michael’s son? Michael says that Malcolm has favors for life, but when asked Lisa say there are no “million dollar favors”. For her, tonight’s vote will be about getting out the biggest threat.

Probst lists the ways he thinks that Malcolm is awesome, so it’s more damage control for poor Malcolm. So Malcolm throws Denise under the bus with his own list – she has been to every Tribal Council, she does not have dirty hands, has never flipped, she’s the only Kalabaw, etc. Michael says that Malcolm makes a strong case and yeah, Denise should probably be scribbling down notes. Probst then asks Lisa what reason there is for her to take Malcolm. Crickets. “Don’t hesitate that long,” protests Malcolm. “There’s not a reason for me to take him to the end,” is what Lisa says. Probst wows. How does that feel Malcolm? It’s upsetting because he’s looked people in the eye and shook hands, blah blah blah.

Probst declares that the only person who feels safe tonight is Michael, but I think Lisa feels pretty safe. It’s time to vote. Denise votes for Malcolm “Sunshine," and talks about how he “didn’t give me a commitment, so I outwit you”. Malcolm votes for Denise. “Sounds like it’s me and you tonight. F---.” Probst goes to “tally” the votes.

And it’s Malcolm, Denise, Malcolm, a resigned sigh from Malcolm and Malcolm is the eighth member of the jury. "Congratulations, Denise,” he grumbles – making exactly the same departing gesture he was complaining about in the beginning of the episode. I wonder how much damage control we’ll see Denise do? “Time for you to go,” says Probst before snuffing Malcolm’s torch. And it’s “one more unhappy jury member” Denise, Michael and Lisa will have to sway tomorrow.

Anyway, Malcolm laments his demise as being down to “pushing too hard” and driving them to play the game that they eventually saw him as a threat, and he’s annoyed that he’s not there at the end. “Painful, for a lifelong fan." Too bad, Malcolm. But Malcolm only has himself to blame. If he had agreed, or even just pretended to agree with Denise, she wouldn't have fought so hard to stay in the game. Tonight was an "either you or me" vote, but it didn't have to be.

Come back soon for the second half of the recap, where the identity of the mysterious Sole Survivor will be revealed.