Survivor: Philippines - Episode 13
Gouge My Eyes Out
By Ben Willoughby
December 12, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Arriving back at camp after Tribal Council, Abi thanks everyone for not voting her out. She interviews that “I cannot believe this. I am over the moon." “Another couple of days for us all, right?” says Denise. Abi claims that she bluffed with her hidden immunity idol, and she doesn’t know if they bought it, but she’s going to play it again next Tribal Council too. Maybe it can be a special hidden immunity idol that can be played after the final immunity challenge and comes with three extra jury votes?
Now Lisa and Michael are making themselves feel better for having voted Carter off. “What a good young man,” says Lisa. “He took it really personally,” says Michael, blaming the victim. “That’s the part that... he’ll... grow up from,” he continues, like it was for Carter’s own good.
They are all sleeping on the beach and Michael laughs to Abi that she thought she’d be in the final five, but with different people, isn’t that ironic? “Ironic, that’s a good word,” agrees Abi. Lisa recaps that the game isn’t fair, and in a choice between taking someone worthy and someone she can beat, it’s someone she can beat.
Malcolm, meanwhile, has been reviewing Lisa’s latest Tribal Council confession on this philosophy, and that taking people to the end that she can beat presumably means Michael and Abi, and not Malcolm. But now Malcolm is wise to her strategy and he’ll be watching her going forward.
After the credits, everyone is still trying to reassure themselves that voting off Carter and spending another three days with Abi was the right thing to do. “Carter is resting well,” says Denise. “I bet he’s already doing a lot better,” says Malcolm. Meanwhile, Abi walks off to “get some water."
Everyone notices the air quotes, and they talk sarcastically about her “hidden immunity idol." “Interesting 'thank you for keeping me around,'” says Michael. “Very kinda humble." Denise agrees. For Abi’s part, Malcolm is safe so Denise has to go.
Abi goes to start something up with Lisa. “Be very careful,” she warns. “Denise, [Michael] and Malcolm are so in an alliance with each other and you are so at the bottom." Bottom of the alliance is probably a great place to be at this point of the game. Lisa interviews that she does not believe Abi, but wants to keep her close whether she goes to the end or to the jury and making nice while Abi spews crap is part of that deal. Taking Abi to the end makes Lisa “feel yucky inside” but she’s only a tool in Lisa’s “best game plan." “Thank you for the heads up on that,” is what she tells Abi.
Lisa interviews that she is weighing her options about getting rid of Denise, or going four strong. She believes she’s “taking control of my own destiny," but part of that is “waiting for the right time to make my big move." Better make it quickly.
Probst sighting! Time for a reward challenge. The castaways will run up a ramp, slide down the other side, run into the ocean, and collect some rings and run back to the beach. Then they have to do it again. And then they have to toss the rings onto some pegs. First to get five rings on five pegs wins reward, which is a helicopter ride to a boat that has pizza and soft drinks that will sail out so you can spend some quality time with whale sharks. And you can pick two Survivors to join you. For reward! Survivors ready!
Everyone is off to a quick start, according to Probst. But when it comes to untying the rings, “Lisa, struggling!” Michael and Malcolm get back first, followed by Denise. “Lisa, not giving up." Michael is first to collect all five rings, followed by Malcolm.
And soon everyone is back tossing rings, with Michael on three rings and Malcolm on one. Michael gets his fourth, and just misses the fifth. And suddenly Malcolm has four rings too. Michael and Malcolm do this thing where they both just miss, and then finally Michael gets his last ring on. Michael wins reward! “Good job, babe,” says Abi. “Give me a hug.” Michael half-heartedly gives her one.
Probst calls Michael over to talk about the reward, and Michael reminds him that the last time he was in a helicopter was when he was medically evacuated. So, who’s Michael going to take? “Bigger than this game, Malcolm gave my boy something that will last a lifetime, longer than pizza.” “Good deeds are sometimes rewarded in this game,” says Probst, like this totally isn’t part of the game. For Michael’s #2 pick is “Lisa...” he tries to psych her out, but “come on over." Michael calls out to Denise that all his food is hers, and Lisa asks her to leave the dishes for when she gets back. Nothing for Abi.
Probst picks up on this. “Abi, you look heartbroken.” “I guess my vote does not mean anything,” she says, like she won’t be begging for Michael’s vote at any time later in the episode. Why aren’t people competing for Abi’s attention?
After the break, Denise and Abi have what has to be the most awkward afternoon ever. Instead of going to opposite ends of the beach so they don’t have to look at one another, Denise finds some work for them to do. “Here's the machete, to kill them when they’re back,” Abi “jokes." Why wouldn’t anyone want to spend time with her?
Abi interviews that she was “crushed” when she was not chosen to go on reward and this “proves once again that I am on the bottom." She says she will make the best of it, but “Denise is a horrible person." Meanwhile, Denise is saying that it is going to be a painful afternoon. She compares it to “the date with the kid who pulled your hair from kindergarten, or like spit in your lunch." So she’s just going to make nice.
Anyway, Denise lets Abi talk on and on about strategy and how she’s the swing vote and how you never know who will win immunity and how she has an immunity idol, and all Denise does is say “Yeah” or “I know” or repeat whatever the last thing Abi said was. “Mmmm… food for thought, for sure.”
Of course, in interview, Denise is less polite “hang myself, gouge my eyes out... if I could have needles that go right into my eardrums, I’d be good for an afternoon." Note that she is saying what she would have done to herself, not to Abi. What a horrible person.
On the reward, Michael exclaims “I’m drinking pop! I haven’t drunk pop in 30 years." Malcolm explains that in real life, Michael does not eat sugar, and after he gorged on the cookies and the soft drinks, he acted like a drunk chick at a bar. You’ll remember that Malcolm has a lot of experience with drunk chicks at bars. “All of a sudden, Michael is fun to be around,” says Malcolm in wonderment. I expect the reason Michael does not eat sugar is “other people's sanity." Malcolm is already concocting plans to reassure Michael that there’s no sugar in pixie-sticks.
Now it’s time for our reward winners to meet the world’s biggest fish. They are given flippers, snorkels and goggles and “dive in like Navy Seals” according to Lisa, or “flop in like a drunken frog” according to me. The shark is huge, and disappointingly vegetarian, and Malcolm is able to put his hand on its back and be dragged along for a little while. Meanwhile, Michael is swimming backwards to remain over the shark, and is rammed by the shark. Malcolm admits in interview that part of him was thinking “Oh well, one less competitor."
Back on the boat, it’s time to talk strategy. “The only way any of us has a shot,” misdirects Malcolm, “is if Denise isn’t there." He lists the points in her favour: “She’s been to every Tribal Council, nobody works harder, she hasn’t betrayed anybody. It’s a blow-out." Sure, but also she’s hated by Abi and possibly Abi’s friends and she hasn’t made any big overt moves that the jury recognizes.
Malcolm interviews that he wants to be in the final three with Lisa and Michael. In his position, I would be too. Lisa and Michael have a conversation to cement their deal, and say things they shouldn’t really say in front of Malcolm, like how want to say yes immediately because they don’t want to end up like Jonathan. Anyway, Michael is on board with the final three plan, while Lisa interviews “I had no chance to talk sense to him” but she’s made the deal, and “if necessary I can make another deal." Wait for when Michael comes down from his massive feel-good sugar rush.
The next day, Denise is in pain from a sharp stinging in her neck. Denise has fang marks in her neck, and thinks it’s some sort of allergic reaction. “It could be poison,” says Abi hopefully. Anyway, Denise speculates that it could be from a spider or a scorpion or a tarantula or a lizard or a snake, but ultimately it’s very painful. Lisa and Michael pray about it while Denise sobs.
“I feel really bad that Denise is hurt, but I do not want Denise to win immunity.” Once again, the rule of “everything before the word ‘but’ means nothing” is not found wanting. “I came here not to feel bad for people. I came to win a million dollars,” Abi continues. How ironic that being so good at the first part means she’s got no chance at the second part.
Probst sighting! Probst wants some chit-chat before the challenge. Denise tells him about her bite, and Probst ask Abi if that is a possible opening for her. “Possible,” says Abi. When did immunity challenges become like mini-Tribal Councils?
Time for Malcolm to take off the immunity necklace, but Probst has to physically remove it. He complains that he has had to work to get the immunity necklace back before every challenge, moan moan.
Anyway, the challenge involves getting yourself across a rope bridge using two planks as your only support, collecting a couple of puzzle pieces along the way. Then after you’re across you get the rest of the puzzle pieces to assemble a maze, which you have to run a ball through. First to “get it in the hole” also wins immunity.
Everyone makes it across the rope bridge except for Malcolm, who wins Probst’s derision. Michael is across first, followed by Denise, then Lisa and Abi. Malcolm is “dead last, has to re-do the course." Meanwhile, Denise is “making progress quickly” on the maze. And yes, she seems to have it, but there’s a piece in the wrong place so she has to disassemble things a bit.
Meanwhile, Malcolm has caught up and is “making a lot of progress." Malcolm completes the maze, and maneuvers his ball all the way through it. “This could be a come from behind,” Probst exclaims jubilantly, already describing the moment when he mounts the immunity necklace back on Malcolm’s neck. Imagine what a blow-out it would have been if Malcolm had not fallen off the rope bridge.
Anyway, at the immunity ceremony Probst reminds everyone that Malcolm also has an immunity idol and tells the others that somebody is going home. Denise claims to simply be relieved that Abi did not win. “The torture of dealing with her will be done."
After the break, Denise is asking Michael “so you can cook coconut?” Shouldn’t she know this after 36 days? In the middle of explaining how you can grill individual pieces of coconut, Michael gets too close to the fire and is hit on the foot by a loud spark. It’s no shark head-butt, though. “You can move really fast when you need to,” observes Denise.
Meanwhile, Abi is interviewing that she lost and “it’s devastating, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m emotionally weak, and I get no credit here” etc. Anyway, she decides she should get Michael and Lisa to vote with her by describing how big a “disaster” one of them against Malcolm and Denise would be. Her pitch is, “You should bring me to the final three. I’m being very humble here. No one’s going to vote for me." Not even Pete and Artis? Michael tells Abi that she “makes a lot of sense” and he’ll talk with Lisa, and he tells the camera that spending three more days with Abi “would definitely be worth a million dollars."
Michael fills Lisa in on Abi’s proposal while Denise and Malcolm are elsewhere. “Really?” Lisa is genuinely surprised that this is happening. Wasn’t it obvious? Despite making it this far, Lisa’s still not very good at this game. I mean, really not good. Lisa says that they have to go to the end with Abi and they need to consider voting Denise out tonight. “I know,” says Michael.
Meanwhile, Denise asks Malcolm if he would be willing to give up his idol if it comes down to that. Malcolm scratches and misdirects “If the situation calls for it, but...” “They wouldn’t keep Abi,” Denise finishes for him. “They wouldn’t keep Abi,” repeats Malcolm. I think Denise realizes that she's not getting that idol.
Malcolm interviews that there’s no reason to give Denise the idol because everyone’s voting for Abi tonight, and he would like to give that immunity idol to his mother. Malcolm has agreed that he’ll give the idol to Denise if it comes down to that, but I’m sure come Tribal Council he’ll be patting down his pockets and saying “Dammit, I must have left it in my other pants!”
Michael and Lisa have a conversation where that talk about how if Malcolm wins the final immunity challenge, one of them might not be in the final three. And Lisa gives a non-terview about Malcolm being more and more dangerous every day and how tonight’s decision is based on strategy and trade-offs and hoping she guessed right.
Tribal Council. Here’s the jury including its latest member, Carter, who looks pretty much the same as Carter before he was voted out.
The first question is to Lisa. “Walk me through what happened when you got back to the beach today.” “Abi, playing Survivor,” is Lisa’s answer. Probst confirms with Abi that her back is against the wall.
Probst fuels the drama. “You’ve been detested, laughed at, and then told you’re not likable. You’re not a good person. [It] has nothing to do with your culture. You’re just not nice. No one here wants you around. And yet, you might be a good person to take to the end.” “Absolutely... Everyone here can beat me,” Abi confirms.
Probst asks Denise what she thinks. “If that’s the way you want to play, Abi’s the perfect person to bring because she hasn’t outwitted, outplayed and outlasted,” says Denise, who’s presumably guilt-ridden about getting rid of Carter last week and keeping Abi around.
Probst says that one could make the argument that Abi has outwitted, outplayed and outlasted 13 people. Denise says that was partly luck because Tandang never went to Tribal Council, and Lisa jumps in to defend Tandang and say they worked hard for their Tribal victories, and Denise has to agree very quickly and repeatedly. Denise doesn’t get a chance to explain what she meant – that Abi was lucky to be on a tribe that never went to Tribal Council. Better finesse your argument before final TC, Denise.
Malcolm, what do you think about taking Abi to the final group? “Who I can beat is definitely being considered,” is Malcolm’s basic response.
Abi speaks up here. According to her, no one can beat Denise: “she’s manipulative, she’s good with words, she’s a physical threat… It’s going to be one of the two. Lisa and [Michael] are not winning this game.” What’s your reaction, Michael? “So many things...” Michael begins one of his long-winded answers. “Because you’re an idiot! That’s why you’re going to lose a million dollars,” Abi interrupts. Michael starts again, and gets a “You’re a moron,” from Abi, and then another “You’re a moron.” “It’s just her way of communicating,” says Michael lamely, knowing that he’s going to vote her out in ten minutes. “He thinks he’s going to win a million dollars at the end. He’s not,” says Abi.
I realise that Abi is playing a game, but I'll point out the obvious (again) that her honesty is refreshing and true to who she is, but when someone is honest to her and says that she’s not pleasant to be around, she is all offended at how anyone could say anything so horrible. By the way, did you know that Abi is 32?
Anyway, Probst is getting nowhere with Michael, so he switches to Lisa and asks if the more Abi talks, the more reason to keep her in the game. Lisa says she is “looking to take someone I can beat." “I would be the only person you can beat,” Abi makes her argument again.
Probst now asks Abi that if she’s such a sure-fire loser, what does she care about staying in the game? “I came this far, I’d like to at least make it to final three.” Malcolm’s turn now. He points out correctly that that people have done the “take me, you’re still going to win” before and it’s led to them winning a million dollars, and if Michael and Lisa take Abi thinking she’s a goat, “be prepared. She won’t go down without a fight and she could still pull this thing off."
Probst’s next question is basically “Abi, being a loudmouth, bad or just how I’m playing Survivor?” “How I’m playing the game,” says Abi. “Denise is playing like she’s elite... the difference between me and her is I’m here to win a million dollars, she’s here to make friends, clearly." Denise, who clearly isn’t here to make friends with Abi, clarifies that she’s here to win a million dollars.
And it’s time to vote. Abi’s vote is predictably for Denise. “Patronizing, judgmental, you’re just not a good person,” she says. Denise’s equally predictable vote is for Abi and “if this vote doesn’t go as planned, there is something seriously wrong in the universe." On the jury, Jonathan does that passive-aggressive middle-finger-eyebrow-scratch thing while Malcolm is voting, but it’s not clear whether it's for Malcolm who is in the voting booth, or someone else. Why would Jonathan be shy about giving anyone the finger? Maybe he was just itchy. Probst goes to “tally” the votes. But first, hidden immunity idol anyone? No one moves. Malcolm’s mother will be thrilled with her new piece of junk from her son who wants to show he's good at things.
And the votes are Denise. Abi. Abi. Abi. Abi. Thank you. “Good luck to all of you,” Abi says through gritted teeth. Probst points out that now it is a showdown between two Tandang and two Matsing. And who would have predicted this final four after, say, the first four episodes of the season?
As they walk out, the Survivor editors take pains to include the audio with all of the remaining castaways laughing their heads off. Michael, who is probably still high on sugar, is even dancing and making finger guns in the air.
Next time on Survivor, it’s the finale, where alliances will be “shattered." This Sunday!
Abi’s final interview is that things did not go her way after the merge, and she was “targeted as the crazy Latina” when she was “direct and straight to the point” and it “bit me in my big Brazilian ass." So Abi leaves pretty much the way she came into the game, by talking about her ass. I look forward to your bitter question from the jury, Abi.