Survivor: Philippines - Episode 12
Shot Into Smithereens
By Ben Willoughby
December 6, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Bats! The castaways arrive back at camp after Night 30’s Tribal Council. Abi says that it’s clear that “there is a foursome alliance going on." Well, Jonathan spelled it out earlier that evening so I’d say that’s pretty clear. Abi goes to talk with the only other person outside of that alliance. “I don’t know, I’m not really thinking about it right now,” he says. I’m not sure if Carter’s really not thinking about it, or if he just doesn’t want to talk with Abi. Either is plausible.
In interview, Abi repeats her meme that the reason everyone has issues with her is because she is too honest. Ha ha ha.
Meanwhile, Lisa is talking with Malcolm about Tribal Council. Lisa interviews that Tribal Council was a really tough decision, and that Malcolm is playing a brilliant game on all levels – and she lists them. Strategic, likeable, underdog, good in challenges. Hey, let’s give Malcolm the million dollars now. That would show his mom! Denise then butters Lisa up by saying how proud she is of her for standing up for herself and not backing down. Lisa says that going to the end with Malcolm and Denise "is not a great strategy" but that "betraying that trust opposes who I am."
After the commercial... Probst sighting! Reward challenge! Come on in, guys! It’s a little early, but I suppose I should be grateful the editors decided not to fill empty space with footage of Abi moping around camp. And in this reward challenge, Probst announces, each castaway will be paired up with a loved one.
Here’s Michael’s son, Michael! Who does Michael think he is, George Foreman? Michael is just as excited about this news as you would think. “The greatest human being I know,” is how Michael describes his son. “I learned everything from him,” says Michael Jr., confirming that no matter what Michael thinks, Michael Jr. is really just a big dope.
Now it’s time for Carter’s mother Bianca! She jumps right on top of him and he has to catch her. Carter breaks down immediately, and has to explain that this never happens. And here’s Denise’s husband, Brad. Denise jumps in his arms and starts bawling. “I’m so snotty and sticky,” she tells him in what might not be their most romantic moment. “Can I borrow your shirt?” Brad does not give it up.
Here’s Lisa’s brother Justice! Unfortunately his evil twin sister Tyranny was unavailable. Lisa is speechless. The only sound she can make is like Ben Stiller’s crying after he got Mary back together with Brett Favre. Lisa is not an attractive crier. “I don’t think I’ve needed any person more in my life in this moment... Isn’t he beautiful?” she asks. Probst agrees that Justice is “a good-looking kid."
Moving along, here’s Abi’s mom Vera. “You’re so thin,” she tells Abi. Abi’s mother is speaking in Portuguese and subtitles, so Probst asks Abi what is going on. “She’s confused with everything," Abi says generously, even though we didn’t see Vera say anything like that in the subtitles. I don’t understand how the other castaways could have a problem with her now they’ve seen her treat her mother like this.
Probst tries to psych out Malcolm by saying that’s all the loved ones there are. Like Malcolm's brother chose the flesh-pots of South-East Asia over him or something. Anyway, it’s Malcolm’s brother Miles. Malcolm boasts about how good he looks with his shirt off, and says he is taking Miles' head-band. Miles describes Malcolm as looking like a colonel on some ship in the 1700s, and talks about how they weren’t allowed to watch any television except Survivor.
Oh, that’s right. There’s a challenge! The loved ones each have to stand on a mat while the castaways throw muddy bags at them. The loved ones have to catch the bags and then throw them at a set of bamboo targets, which are just short lengths of thick bamboo standing on end. First loved one to knock down all five targets wins reward, which means that the loved one gets to go back with them and spend the afternoon and the night in their disgusting camp. Let’s see which loved one decides they’d rather not get that muddy.
It’s a boring challenge to recap and everyone seems to get the hang of it except Abi and her mother. Neither of them can throw very well, but both of them are good at telling the other to throw harder. Anyway, it’s a close finish with Malcolm/Miles, Michael/Michael Jr. and Carter/Bianca all down to one target. But Miles hits the last one and Malcolm wins reward! Miles jumps on Malcolm and flattens him.
But that’s not all, Probst tells Malcolm, who has mud all over his left side and looks like Two-Face. He can pick another loved one to come to camp. Malcolm gets Abi’s hopes up by saying his pick is “because of how much trouble they’ve been having” and says that Lisa’s brother Justice can come to camp so they can all laugh at his silly name.
“Ask for another," pushes Michael. What Malcolm asks for, Probst grants. He picks Michael Jr. I was surprised that he did not pick Brad, Denise’s husband, but I suppose (a) he needs to keep Lisa and Michael loyal, (b) an extra jury vote doesn’t hurt and (c) Denise is the one best able to rationalize it anyway. Malcolm interviews about his decision, saying that he only had a moment to think, and he had to reward Lisa and Malcolm for their vote the night before.
We learn a little more about the loved ones. Malcolm describes his brother, who turned 21 last month, as a knucklehead. “Him running his mouth could cost me,” says Malcolm in a moment I’m sure his brother will treasure. Also, that’s basically the last we’ll hear of Miles, which is disappointing. But thanks for setting up last week’s preview, Malcolm!
Michael encourages his son to shimmy up a palm tree with a machete to hack down some coconuts. He makes it close enough to swing the machete at them ineffectually, but then he slides down scraping his arms and chest in the process. “That’s my boy,” interviews Michael. This is one of those times when the joke writes itself. How has this gene pool not wiped itself out yet?
Meanwhile, Justice – who, by the way, is 20 years younger than Lisa – is volunteering to gather “intel” for Lisa like he’s a Spec Ops agent that everybody else will totally trust. Lisa says that’s sweet. They have a conversation about how Lisa is in a strong alliance of four, but she does not want Malcolm in the final three and she recaps the blind-side that she would have pulled off if only Pete weren't such a dimwit.
Justice reminds Lisa that she was “all about the game” when she left, which is news to all of us, and she tells us again that “anything shady” would go against her character. Justice interviews that it is his job to remind Lisa that it is all just a game, and that she doesn’t have to feel guilty about “betraying” people.
So now, Michael and Lisa and their respective loved ones are having a pow-wow and Justice suggests to everyone that they should blind-side Malcolm. I still can’t take Justice seriously, because he sounds more like an inmate of Oz than Blair’s kid brother, but everyone starts talking about what a great idea it is.
Then, when Lisa and Justice are alone (there is some sketchy editing going on), Justice reminds Lisa that she betrayed Malcolm already and he was all “hey, it’s just a game,” so there’s really no personal downside to betraying him again. And now Lisa (of all people) in interview is like “Yay! Betrayal! After 31 days, I can play this game!” But there’s a lot of the episode left to go. Will Lisa suffer another emotional crisis before then?
The next morning, Lisa leads Justice and the two Michaels in a prayer blessing all the other castaways. Hilariously, her plea to God includes the phrase “if you want Malcolm or Denise or Carter... or even Abi to win”. God is probably thinking “I’ll save Abi winning for when I need to tell the human race ‘you’re all screwed.'" The more secular people describe them as “bonding over Jesus," which is true, but at least they mean it, not like when Coach did it.
Now Malcolm has an interview where he is worried that Lisa was at “rock bottom emotionally” and that Justice has “snapped her back to her senses." Then why did you invite him to stay with you? Once again, Malcolm fails to live up to his goal of playing a sociopathic game.
Meanwhile, the Christians are agreeing that if Jesus played Survivor, he would sadly look a little like Malcolm. That’s right, blond, blue-eyed Malcolm. Lisa says that if Jesus were here, he’d probably play more like Carter, which is even worse. Rowr! Somewhere up in Heaven, Jesus has whispered a quiet message to St. Peter about the guest list. Anyway, Lisa interviews that they have to trust in God’s bigger plan, which mercifully includes “don’t rely on God to help you win reality TV shows."
It’s time for the loved ones to leave, and Michael hugs his son goodbye. “Give me your shirt!," he says. Justice presumably leaves to be cast in his own Judge Judy-type show.
Probst sighting! Immunity challenge! And it looks like Lisa got hold of Justice’s shirt as well. And shorts? Abi must give up her immunity, leaving her no option but to flirt with Probst. That done with, Probst has to describe the challenge. Out in the water, the castaways must race across bamboo balance beans to get to a platform. Next they get a rope tied to a grappling hook, which they use to retrieve bags. Once they get all three bags, they have to swim to shore, then untie the bags and erect a pole out of the sticks inside. First to get their pole to hit the target with enough force to release their flag, wins. Bags, pole, erect, hit the target, this Probst commentary should be filled with innuendo. (But sadly, it won’t be.)
Anyway, the winner will have a one in five shot of winning. Losers. Tribal Council. One of you will be voted out.
Michael is across the balance beam first, followed by Lisa (!) and Abi (!!). Denise earns the Probst Pick It Up award for getting there last. Malcolm is the first to collect a bag, followed by Lisa (!!!), Abi (!!!!) and then Carter. But then Carter grapples his second and third bags in quick succession before Malcolm even has his second bag, and is swimming to shore.
After that, Carter, Malcolm, Lisa and even Denise – who gets called out, but this time for the Probst Great Comeback Made Up A Lot Of Time Award – get their three bags, leaving Abi in last. And then when Abi gets her third bag, she spends so much time arranging them before jumping in the water that Probst calls out “Let’s go Abi” and “taking as much time as she can." Abi swims to shore, but she loses a bag before getting there and has to go get it. “Abi finally joins the group,” mocks Probst.
Meanwhile, Carter is putting rope to stick. Lisa has also decided her rickety pole is good enough. Michael’s pole is “not long enough," according to Probst. And Carter’s is “too short." They go back to make their poles longer and stronger.
Eventually it comes down to Carter and Malcolm. Carter is tapping hopefully at the target with his flaccid pole, but it is Malcolm who hits the target, releases the flag and wins immunity. Malcolm is guaranteed a spot in the final five. And the final four, since he has an immunity idol. Anyway, it’s Malcolm’s first individual immunity win, which is great for him. Not so great for the other five, one of whom will be going home.
And not so great for Lisa, who is “so bummed." After 31 days, Lisa was finally “ready to play hard," but her plan has been (English accent here to showcase Lisa’s dramatic range) “shot into smithereens." Nutcracker-style music plays as Malcolm talks about how relaxing it is “to not worry about people going off in pairs." He talks about how he is guaranteed final four, then adds the Survivor words of foreshadowing: “I can taste it." Hope you like fourth place, Malcolm.
Lisa and Michael are back communing with God, and explaining to Him that they don’t understand why it was His will that Malcolm should win immunity. Because these contests never come down to who’s the most physically and mentally capable. Michael reassures Lisa that God must have something waiting for them at the final four stage. Well, something special for one of them. Anyway, it is either Abi or Carter tonight.
Malcolm and Michael have a conversation about how no one wants to vote out Carter, which means that they both totally do but neither of them wants to be the one to say it first. Carter comes up “Am I interrupting?” and they both admit that they were talking about him and yes, maybe even considering voting Carter out. Michael says that there are thousands of reasons to vote out Abi, but the only thing against Carter is that he's a threat, so you can tell that outweighs all those thousands of reasons. Carter plays a bold card: “I believe that out of respect for the game, you’ll keep me around." Michael says “I respect your gameplay," which is code for “I’m voting for you."
Carter has an interview where he rightly points out that all anyone has talked about for the last few weeks is playing with people who “deserve to be there." He says the people in the final four alliance are “four stand-up people” while Abi has been a big old meanie, so he’s trusting them to make the decision. What he should be saying is “I’m Carter, a big old dummy. I’m not a strategic player. How many morons on the jury are going to vote for me in the final Tribal Council?”
Everyone is back at camp, and Denise leads a conversation about who has not had their name written down. It’s Lisa, Carter and Michael. Abi, who either has no sense or has decided to annoy everyone so much that they are reminded how she would do in a final Tribal Council, makes a list of everyone who voted for her. She also calls out Lisa for voting for her earlier, saying “you seemed very close to me, but maybe you were trying to get information. All part of the game, though." This continues into Abi saying Lisa was all, “my word is worth more than a million dollars” but now it's all different, as though Lisa should have remained loyal to her no matter what.
Denise eventually says “is there any way we can let this conversation rest?” Abi: “Easy for you to say, you’re in the final four.” Denise protests, but Abi will have none of it – she will just have to play her “hidden immunity idol” wink wink.
Malcolm interviews that since the beginning, they have been trying to get rid of Abi, who is a “soul-sucker” and like “a Dementor." Do Dementors demand grovelling apologies from their enemies? Lisa also interviews that at the beginning she tried to be kind and understanding, but now it’s “officially over” and she is “at the point of not caring." Poor Carter. Michael is wondering to the group what Abi’s mother is like. Because fathers don’t do anything but raise the “greatest human beings they know." And Denise repeats the thing that whatever Abi is, “it’s not cultural, it’s personality... It’s this histrionic, dramatic, passive-aggressive, martyr... it's not cultural... it’s a culture of Abi."
Meanwhile, Abi is heading off down the beach and into the jungle to collect her piece of bamboo. She says that she “is in an alliance of one person” and will continue with her bluff. According to Abi, “if you tell a lie for long enough, everyone believes it... I’m convinced in my own lie." Doesn’t sound like it's the first time for that.
The final pre-Tribal Council word goes to Malcolm, who cannot believe he is even considering such a bad strategic decision (voting off Abi) for his morale. “That's how terrible a person Abi is... If Abi goes home tonight,” he continues, “it’s because she’s a [b-word that is not bastard]”.
Tribal council. The jury enters, including Jonathan, voted out at the last Tribal Council. Jonathan is wearing an intense look and a new hat.
Probst kicks off the proceedings by asking Malcolm if he needed immunity today. Sure Malcolm would, because he talks about that tight group of four being Lisa, Michael, Denise and himself. Carter hangs his head.
That’s Probst’s cue to say to Carter that it's obviously him or Abi tonight, and Carter repeats the argument that so far all of the talk has been about taking someone who deserves to be there over someone they can beat, and he deserves it. This is where I feel a little sorry for Carter for actually believing that this would continue at crunch-time.
Probst asks Michael about Carter, and Michael says that he clicks very well with Carter. To even consider voting for Carter is like voting off his own kid. “Who you consider the greatest human being you know," says Probst quite severely, like he he deserves that title ahead of Michael Jr. Michael had better give Probst a “greatest human being I know” coffee mug at the reunion show.
Lisa, who would you rather take – someone who deserves it or someone who can be beaten? “Somebody I think I can beat,” says Lisa immediately. “I would like to be nobler, but why work harder?” Jonathan facepalms, thinking “why didn’t you figure this out three days ago?”
It’s been a good few minutes since Abi has big upped her “immunity idol," so she talks about it now. Everyone smirks, so Probst asks Denise about it. “No one’s seen it, none of us have seen any clues,” says Denise. Malcolm says that if she had it, she’d be showing everyone to gain more leverage. Abi claims she is keeping it hidden, because she is very protective of herself now she knows everyone hates her.
Denise, how is the relationship with Abi going? “The tension is still there, but it’s improved,” she says hesitantly. Do you you think she deserves to be there at the end? “Probably not,” says Denise, “because that would change my entire strategy coming into the game." Abi laughs, and claims that she doesn’t bring any tension to the group. Now there's a lie Abi has said often enough.
Probst cuts in here to suggest that maybe baggage is a better word. “I am baggage?” asks Abi, interpreting that Probst is saying she’s being taken to the end because she’s easy to beat. Sounds reasonable to me. Probst explains that Abi brings baggage because of her history, and then asks Denise if she thinks Abi can win.
Obviously, Denise does not think so. Does anyone? Anyway, Denise says that Survivor winners usually play a balanced game between the social, strategic and physical, and Abi has not brought that fully to the table. Denise did a better job at this Tribal Council of presenting her arguments without coming off as superior. Anyway, time to vote. We only see the obvious votes of Abi for Carter and Carter for Abi.
After Probst comes back to “tally” the votes, he asks if anyone has a hidden immunity idol. Abi’s face looks made of wood. And the votes are Carter. Abi. Carter. Carter. Carter. Carter – friendship, love you bro. Abi crosses herself and thinks “I can’t believe they bought my story about the hidden immunity idol! I am a Survivor genius!” Poor Carter. He’d have been so much better off explaining that he’s a non-entity.
So this is the part of the game where realpolitik takes over. I’m not sure that voting out Carter and putting Abi in the swing vote seat was the right move for some of those people, especially Denise. There’s clearly no playing the “deserves to be there” card next week, and Abi seems much more likely to align with Michael and Lisa, who haven’t really done anything game-wise, than with Malcolm and Denise. But then who knows how Abi sees this game playing out?
Next time on Survivor, we see Abi arguing that Lisa to vote for Denise and Lisa happily saying she can use Abi for her game plan. After watching this preview, Jonathan immediately punched a hole through one of his fedoras.
The “realization that his Survivor experience is over is weighing heavily” on Carter. “They’re playing with their heads, not their hearts at this point," he moans. Meh – if he couldn’t come up with a convincing reason why he should stay, there’s no “deserve." Sorry Carter. Even though you’re a doofus, you grew on me these past few weeks.