Survivor: Philippines - Episode 11
Hell Hath Frozen Over
By Ben Willoughby
November 29, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
There’s no return-from-Tribal Council scene, so obviously everyone went straight to bed without saying anything interesting. The next morning, Abi asks Michael “what do you think?” Michael doesn’t respond, so Abi says “Yesterday, you guys were brutal towards me. I never felt you felt that way around me.” Michael just nods.
Denise interviews about “negative grumpy Abi," and then goes into the jungle with Jonathan to shake their heads while talking about her. “Furious, defensive, bitter” is Jonathan’s verdict. Denise tempts fate by saying that they have a solid four and “unless Abi miraculously wins immunity”, she will be going next. And if Abi does win immunity, there’s always Jonathan.
Day 28, and Malcolm and Abi are going to the clue box. There are envelopes inside with all the castaways’ names on them, but Malcolm can basically smell the jury votes so he blurts that at Tribal Council he “wanted to give [Abi] a hug." He interviews that it was like “the tribe decided to lay Abi down in the road, run over her with a bus and then back up and do it again."
“Denise was rough,” Malcolm agrees with Abi. “She said that she would not want to spend the rest of her days here with me because I’m not a person she wants to relate with.” Obviously this is the cruelest thing anyone could say ever. “I’m sorry darling,” sympathises Malcolm. “It was horrible, worst day of my life,” Abi continues. “Abi’s very un-self-aware. It’s hard not to feel sympathy for her when she’s breaking down,” says Malcolm who came into the game saying he was going to play “sociopathically” but is calling her “darling”.
Abi and Malcolm come back with the envelopes and Jonathan, who’s never quiet when he knows something, says “I know what this is!” That’s right, it’s time for a Survivor auction. But before that, we have to sit through an Abi interview where she says she is the most unliked person on the island, but she’s going to keep playing the game. And with that in mind, she’s going to wait for the right opportunity to use her money.
Probst sighting! Probst explains the rules of Survivor auction - $500 per castaway, bidding is in increments of $20, no one can share food or money.
First up are some pancakes and bacon. Denise bids $500 without blinking an eye. $1.99 at a diner, Michael mocks, like he’s not going to fork over $500 for some magic beans later in the challenge.
In fact, Michael doesn’t even wait to see what the next item is before bidding on it. This is how Nicolas Cage was before his tax problems. Malcolm squawks with laughter. Anyway, for the princely sum of $500 he gets a wine and cheese plate. And he’s not a drinker! Probst offers to drink the wine for Michael, but Michael takes it anyway. No sharing, Probst! Those are the rules!
The next item is donuts and iced coffee. The bidding is between Malcolm and Jonathan, and soon over when Malcolm bids $200.
Now we reach the “blind item” section of the auction. Awesome. But before that, Probst points out that neither Abi or Lisa have made a move for anything yet. “I know I’m going home next, so I’ll be eating soon,” says Abi. “You’re just going to keep that money,” says Probst disbelievingly. Anyway, Jonathan wins the bidding this time and for his trouble he gets fried chicken. With fries and ketchup. Jonathan takes a bite and has one of those Ratatouille moments. Also, Jonathan is looking really thin now. I know he packed on a few preparation pounds before coming out this time, but it’s more than all gone. I wonder how much he’ll gain back once he has access to unlimited fried chicken.
Another blind item. Malcolm and Carter bid, and Carter wins with $200. It turns out to be a baked potato – or as Probst says “baked potateh”. He can’t get enough of saying “baked potateh”. Probst explains that the baked potateh comes with a twist – Carter can keep the baked potateh or he can give up the baked potateh in exchange for rice and beans for the whole tribe. After tentatively weighing the bag, Carter makes the only choice he can – to get the beans and rice. Lots of cheering from the others. “Carter’s the man,” hoots Jonathan from his fried chicken.
The action on the next blind item is between Lisa and Carter. Lisa, somewhat cruelly, bids $320 which is more than Carter has. For shame, Lisa! Dude just bought you beans and rice! And you’re always talking about how “this game is too big for me." Lisa consoles the others with an “It’s probably sea cucumber," but enormous sandwiches are her reward, and Lisa’s eyes and arms and mouth all go as wide as they can. She doesn’t suffer any emotional crisis while eating them either.
The next item will give an advantage... sold to Abi for 500 clams! Probst hands a piece of bamboo with a scroll inside and tells her to read it when she is back at camp. “There is no compassion towards me here. I have to show compassion towards myself,” she whines, ignoring that we have seen Malcolm show her compassion. But this is all about Abi being the victim.
The next item is sold to Carter for $200. It turns out to be veal shanks, and once again Carter has to take one for the team and share his reward with the entire tribe. They have 60 seconds and no utensils to chow down as much veal as they can. “Thank you Carter again, Carter rules!” Jonathan calls out. Then they all stuff themselves with big hunks of meat.
After the break, everyone arrives back at camp. And everyone’s actually happy. But their mellow is harshed immediately when Jonathan starts a conversation with Abi. “So, you want to talk? He asks. “Sure. I will listen.” Naturally, everyone else is listening too. “What do I need to say?” asks Jonathan. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, maybe?” is Abi’s version of listening. Jonathan looks at her disbelievingly.
Anyway, Abi wants Jonathan to apologize for destroying her at Tribal Council. Actually we didn’t see Jonathan say anything to Abi. And if there was anything juicy like that, would the editors have left it out? Abi felt demoralized and pointed fingers at ganged up on and blah blah blah. I think she should feel more insulted by what Probst said than anything. Jonathan says “Okay... in a game, if you’re that honest, that blunt, it might seem off-putting. So… you might have been friendlier. Now it’s your turn." “I have nothing to say, I just wanted to see what you have to say." Lisa interviews that “it is really hard not to laugh at some of the things she says."
For her part, Abi explains to Jonathan that everything that happens in her life is a learning experience. Sure, we’ve seen a whole lot of learning going on. Jonathan’s interview is about how the more bitter, obnoxious and toxic Abi is, the better for him, because it makes it less likely that he’s going home. “Come on, give me a hug, give me a handshake at least,” Jonathan says, and Abi complies.
Back to an Abi interview to remind us that we haven’t seen the thing she got at the auction. She thinks that everyone is starting to communicate with her only because they don’t know what she got at the auction. Everyone else watches her go down the beach, and she unravels the same thing we’ve seen at the last few Survivor auctions – a fast forward to the final stage of the immunity challenge, which gives her a one in three shot at immunity.
Next morning, Abi “[wakes] up very ambitious," and decides to create a fantasy immunity idol. “They had a lot of problems with me being such an honest, blunt person. They asked for this, now I’m going to lie. I’m going to outplay them." As soon as she has gone down the beach, Jonathan confirms with everyone that they will “stay strong” and “not go forward with her." Abi interviews that she has two choices – leave the game graciously or stay in the game as a “fighter. A warrior, really."
Abi is talking with Malcolm about tricks she has up her sleeve, and then Malcolm gives this hilarious interview where he says it is “like having a girlfriend who doesn’t get the message and won’t leave after you’ve broken up with her. She’s bitter, she hasn’t forgiven you, and you don’t get the benefits of having a girlfriend any more. It’s the worst situation possible." Malcolm seems like he has been there more than once. Abi hints to Malcolm that she has an idol, so I’m wondering what her plan is when Probst calls her out at the immunity challenge.
Probst sighting! Probst takes back the immunity idol from Carter and declares it back up for grabs. Anyway, there are three stages in the immunity challenge – everyone’s attached to a rope, and they have to navigate themselves through obstacle courses. So it’s pretty much the same as last week’s immunity challenge, except in place of a buoy there’s, say, Carter. Not really a lot of difference there.
But there’s also a twist! Before each stage, Probst will ask a question and anyone who gets it wrong will have to carry a bag equal to 5% of their body weight.
And there’s another twist! Abi, if you will read your note? “There are two messages in the note”. “OK...” says Probst. Abi claims that the second part of the note is that she may move directly to the final part of the challenge. And then she rips up the note into “little tiny pieces," explaining that she’s doing this so no one will find out what the other part of the message said. Well, I’m convinced!
Let’s start the challenge. The Philippines consists of about how many islands – about 50, about 500 or about 5,000? Lisa and Denise both manage to get this easy trivia question wrong, so they will be carrying an extra 5% through the course. Again, I hope that’s not their pre-Survivor weight. If Jonathan gets a question wrong, he’s really going to struggle.
Only one person isn’t going to make it through the first stage with the rope slung around a hitching rope, so there’s not a lot of tension. Denise takes an early lead and comes in first, with Carter recovering from a slow start and then everyone else but Lisa and Jonathan. “Start moving Lisa! Let’s go!” urges Probst, but it is Jonathan who makes it through to the next round.
The second phase of the challenge is through a pole-maze. We don’t learn what the next piece of Filipino trivia is, so I’ll just assume it was something racist. All we know is that Denise, Michael and Carter all got it wrong, and Denise is going to be politely excluded from any trivia team I am on. Surprisingly, Jonathan finishes first this time, followed by Carter who just makes it ahead of Denise.
Time for the third stage of the challenge through a multi-level climbing course with Abi, Jonathan and Carter. “She can’t win this,” declares Michael, Survivor savant. “She can’t climb.” But we’ve seen Abi bring it in that one challenge where she needed it, and these idiots are really pushing the foreshadowing so I’m more than a little nervous here.
Carter got another one of those racist multiple-choice questions wrong, so he’s now up to carrying an extra 10%. Probst explains that this challenge is a little different (read: easier) than the other one, because it involves untying knots to make it through rope gates. So it’s nowhere near as physically demanding, no one is tied to anything and both Jonathan and Carter are tired. Sigh.
And immediately the Probst commentary is “Abi is pulling away” and “It’s Abi’s to lose." Carter catches up a bit, so that everyone cheers him on, even Jonathan. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone in an individual immunity challenge cheer on someone they’re supposed to be competing against. I know Jonathan’s not Mr. Altruism here, but it’s still weird. But Abi is already at the last knot and Denise is saying “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me." Abi slides down, and Denise mouths to Malcolm “I want to throw up," but they all clap and smile, which is nice and isn’t always done for the person no one likes – like we saw with Jonathan’s immunity win a few weeks ago.
Foreboding music plays as the castaways arrive back. Malcolm interviews that “Hell hath frozen over," as Abi has actually won immunity. And he’s thrilled with it, because he really wants to be rid of Jonathan. The final four alliance of Malcolm, Denise, Michael and Lisa meet to confirm it will be Jonathan voted out tonight. “I’m just not cut out for this game,” Lisa moans. It’s like her programming is caught in an infinite loop.
Lisa interviews that she likes Denise and Malcolm but she has a really “hard connection” with Carter and Jonathan. Inner conflict! The other three of the four all make platitudes about how this is the hardest part of the game, and Michael coaches Lisa that she should remember “we made a pact and we’ve stuck to it”. “I think it’s too big for me,” says another of Lisa's subroutines.
Now Lisa is talking with Jonathan and Carter. “I’m not good at this game” says yet another sub-routine. “I don’t want to lie to you that I’m totally in.” “Oh come on, cut the crap. Really?” They take a walk along the beach and Jonathan asks her what her latest personal crisis is. She recaps the “too soon to go to final four” discussion they had last week, and that someone else came to her and said “final four, let’s do it” and only an idiot would say no. Well, not that last part.
“Am I going home?” Jonathan asks. “That’s the name I’ve been told to write down.” “By who?” “I can’t tell you that... I’m so not good at this game”. Jonathan loses it for a second, saying that it is unbelievable, “because I didn’t make empty promises after you had written my name twice?” Then he collects himself, says that he is appreciative of the heads up and what she is going through, blah blah blah.
In interview, Jonathan is less kind. “Lisa once again lost her mind, and she had to confess to me that she’s writing my name down.” He recognizes that she won’t be swayed. Back in the conversation, Lisa says that she wants to go to the final three with Jonathan, that it’s not about the money but she won’t be voting that way. “What are we going to do?” he asks. No response, so “What am I going to do?” “Go do the magic that you do.” is Lisa’s answer, and Jonathan determinedly puts on his fedora.
“Lisa got played,” Jonathan whine-terviews, as though he wasn't playing her at all. But he gives Denise and Malcolm credit for their move, and admits his mistake from last week about not making a commitment and choosing a side. With Carter and Abi, Jonathan sets up a vote for Denise, which they are happy to go along with. He thinks people are wary of Malcolm and his idol, so Denise is his best play. Then he goes off to check if Michael is “cool."
Jonathan knows some of the right buttons to press with Michael, lying that Michael is Jonathan’s “brilliant... wise old chum” and emphasising that he is the “swing vote” and that Jonathan hasn’t lied to him. Of course, Jonathan doesn’t know the best button to press, which would be to suggest blind-siding Malcolm – who we know Michael does not trust.
Michael interviews about his dilemma, that this decision could gain him three jury votes, but also lose him three. Of course, this is wrong. Voting with one group of three may make them happy, but at least two of those won’t be on the jury. Michael = bad at math. Anyway, his closing statement is that he believes strongly he can beat Jonathan in the final three. So it’s pretty clear that Jonathan is going home tonight.
Tribal Council. Abi gets the first question, which is “What do you know, it happened!” Abi recaps her Survivor auction advantage plan. Probst says that last Tribal Council was “brutal” for Abi, and he asks Denise as a therapist what happens when people are put in conditions that change how they behave. “What was perceived as brutal was simply a group of people whose tolerance had reached their maximum."
Probst changes the subject, and asks Jonathan what it was like at camp after the challenge. Jonathan says that things did get crazy. “Lines were drawn!” He airs out that Denise, Malcolm, Lisa and Michael cut a final four deal, even though Jonathan is the person they should trust the most. He has given them nothing but trust and loyalty! “But you didn’t trust her enough to go into an alliance,” cuts in Malcolm. Jonathan agrees, but says he didn’t trust Lisa fully because she voted for him twice.
Anyway, Jonathan continues about how he has a close bond with Michael and Lisa, and appeals to them to go with him because they don’t have a shot at the million if they vote with Malcolm and Denise. “Please don’t vote me out. I want to work you guys, I’ve only ever said that and it’s the truth.” Probst asks Malcolm about this, and Malcolm says that he doesn’t want to get into a fight with Jonathan or browbeat Lisa, but Jonathan’s not the only one who has special bonds with other castaways, and they are trusting Lisa.
Probst: “Lisa, this must be very difficult for you.” It is difficult, but Jonathan cuts in to repeat his line that if they vote him out, they are guaranteeing a million dollars for either Malcolm or Denise. “Thanks buddy," whispers Malcolm. Jonathan still goes on and Lisa has to interrupt with a stern school-teacher voice. “Penner, that is absolutely part of my consideration.” Fair enough, Jonathan concedes, and shuts up about it
Probst asks Lisa is she can compare this to any other dilemma. Lisa can, but she says it is too personal for her to talk about. “How difficult was that situation?” asks Probst, because he needs to keep in practice for his talk show. Lisa tears up. “Huge.” “Based on your decision tonight, is there a chance that you will disappoint yourself?” “Yeah.” Great interview, Probst. Good talk!
Probst has to find someone willing to talk, so he does to Michael. “How tough is this for you?” Michael gives one of his usual long-winded blathering answers about how he'd like to be friends with everyone but also play the game to win, finishing up with “there’s some validity to what [Jonathan] said." And with that it’s time to vote.
Abi pokes her tongue out at Denise when she goes to vote, so I’m glad the Survivor editors still hate her in spite of Abi’s attempt to change the narrative to “innocent victim that everyone hates for no reason." And when it’s her time to vote she says “I hope you go home tonight. Look who’s judging you now." Jonathan calls out his vote over his shoulder. “Denise!” Denise and others crack up.
Probst goes to “tally” the votes, and it’s Denise, Denise, Jonathan, Jonathan, Denise, Jonathan and the twelfth person voted out of Survivor and the fifth member of the jury is... Jonathan. Well, that sucks, but having Denise go would have sucked just as hard.
Jonathan takes his leave and gives Carter a hug. Abi asks for a hug too and Jonathan says “Yeah… no, I’m not going to hug anybody else." “That sucks, Jeff,” are his words to Probst. His advice to the other castaways is “keep your sunny side up... and suck eggs." Then he hams it up, whistling as he walks down the stairs and along the path. Oh, Jonathan, do you know what’s better than whistling? Not whistling. And then he makes not one but two unrequested encores. Probst just shrugs to the rest of them. You’ll never make it as an entertainer if you don’t leave your audience wanting more, Jonathan.
Next week on Survivor, it’s the family reunion episode. Lisa has a predictably teary reunion with her son. Also, I lost money that Malcolm’s family visit would be from his mother, but his goofball knucklehead brother who looks like Malcolm spliced with Hurley’s DNA could just make up for everything. Malcolm thinks it could cost him the game.
Jonathan is as laced with disappointment as you’d expect from someone who puts as much into playing Survivor as he has, but he brightsides that Survivor has been six years of his life, and he is one of the lucky few to play three times – and one of an even shorter list of people who played three times and not do it for the groupies. He describes his experience as “fun and extremely painful." Sorry to see you go, Jonathan. If they have yet another all-All Stars edition, I hope you make the cut. Also, we learn that Jonathan’s vote for Denise was for “Denies” and Michael was the one who voted for Jonathan with a heart with an arrow through it. I wouldn't have guessed either of those.