Top Chef: Seattle Recap
By David Mumpower
November 27, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The current episode begins with an appearance by Dana Cowin, the editor-in-chief of Food & Wine Magazine. Let me say in no uncertain terms that Dana Cowin must be stopped. She guest judges on Top Chef so often that she gets more face time than Padma. She has been at Food & Wine Magazine since the 1990s, which means that she is limiting the career opportunities of her co-workers. Also, who even reads magazines these days? They’re like printed on paper and stuff. This dinosaur needs us to be her comet. Who’s with me?
The Quickfire Challenge today focuses upon 17 different types of dumplings. They are a multi-lingual cuisine, apparently. The chefs must rush over to a map, retrieve a knife magnet representing a country and create a dish replicating the appropriate national dumpling. Immediately, Stefan has an advantage because his homeland is listed on the board. Given how close he came to elimination last week, he needs every advantage he can get.
Several other chefs have no idea how to recreate the dumpling of the country they select. Part of this is because the mad rush to the board leaves the stragglers at the back scrambling. The good news is that an awkward Kindle Fire promotion entitles the chefs to five minutes of research regarding the dumpling preferences of the appropriate countries. Micah’s situation is the funniest. He is left with the final knife representing Kazakhstan, which he had believed to be a fictional country for Borat. It’s not. I doubt that even Sacha Baron-Cohen knows what their dumplings taste like, though.
After a few moments of Kindle Fire camera shots – it’s like an iPad, only less functional! – Carla still has no idea how to create a representative dumpling. She is also still nursing an injury from last week’s episode wherein she reached into her bag and accidentally grabbed the wrong end of a knife. I always presume that chefs are used to working with injury yet every season on Top Chef, someone seems debilitated by such a wound.
Like Stefan, Kuniko has a homefield advantage during this challenge. Her country was one of the dumpling options. Unlike Stefan, Kuniko fails to plate her dish. This is a prime example of how Top Chef can cause a contender to go from the penthouse to the outhouse in a single challenge. Kuniko had been two for two in Top Chef: Seattle challenges. With no food to judge, she suffers an embarrassing turn of events. I maintain that the show needs a better system to punish chefs who fail to plate, but this is still not the case after ten seasons of such critical mistakes.
Dinosaur Dana Cowin delivers the bad news to a few participants. Brooke, who was a bit catty about others during the challenge, failed to include a wrapper with her dumpling. This mistake was more reflective of the Top Chef producers as they failed to garner enough ingredients for all of the contestants to create dumpling dishes. Still, Brooke produces a dumpling without all the requisite components. Carla turtled on her food, creating an Italian dish rather than an African dish. And Kuniko forgot the importance of serving food on Top Chef. All three of these were severe mistakes that should have some ripple effect in the elimination challenge…but they won’t.
Since this is the first individual challenge thus far, finishing on the top is more important than normal. The chefs who stand out for their dumplings are Josie (?!), Stefan and Micah. Ms. Cowin had gone out of her way to introduce herself to Sheldon, the reigning Food and Wine Magazine selection as Best New Chef. Also, she seemed to enjoy his dish so I am surprised by his exclusion. The surprise doubles when Josie, the unheralded returning player, wins the Quickfire challenge. She will be immune from elimination in this episode.
While the episode was filmed a while ago, this is the Top Chef Thanksgiving episode. As such, tonight features a “Turkeypocalypse”. As Syfy prepares to create a movie from the concept, I will state that the name does not represent the images presumably conjured in your mind. No, a well-organized turkey militia is not planning to attain vengeance against mankind for our annual ritualistic sacrifices. Alas, sleep-inducing Tryptophan remains their only means for revenge.
Instead, the current group of 17 players is divided in two teams. They are then informed that there will be a team captain for each side. At this point, Tom Colicchio and Emeril Lagasse enter the kitchen as my inner fanboy climaxes. Clean up on Aisle Me.
The Red Team aka Colicchio’s Cooks is comprised (alphabetically) of Bart, Carla, CJ, Eliza, Joshua, Lizzie, Micah and Stefan. The Gray Team aka Emeril’s Bamslam is comprised (alphabetically) of Brooke, Chrissy, Danyele, John, Josie, Kristen, Kuniko, Sheldon and Tyler. While Bamslam has a player advantage, Colicchio’s Cooks gets a slight nod on overall talent because of CJ, Stefan and Bart’s reputation. Then again, the team I think looks the best on paper almost never wins, which is (not coincidentally) why I never gamble.
The joy of this portion of the episode is the visceral thrill the cheftestants experience. They are crafting a meal with two of the most famous chefs in the world today. Tyler in particular has a moment he will never forget. He works side by side with Emeril Lagasse as they create a gumbo. Whether he wins Top Chef or is eliminated in this very episode, Tyler will always brag to his friends about this inimitable cooking lesson.
Chrissy is closer to my heart in terms of maximizing her opportunity. She asks Emeril if she can say “Bam!” as they stir their base. While I am confident Lagasse has heard this request literally thousands of times in his life, he still manages a genuine smile at the request, albeit a brief one. Colicchio’s Cooks are reverential of Tom’s requests. Even Carla, who possesses one of the most dominant personalities in the history of the competition, defers to him. Interestingly, Lagasse is much more famous but on Top Chef, Tom is anointed one.
Food preparations are angrier than normal. The space is tight, which leads Stefan to yell at John Tesar among others for being selfish with their work areas. I suspect this will not be the last time that the two gentlemen butt heads. Carla also has a run-in with Tesar, who calls her “Honey” enough times to get kneed in the junk.
The editing focuses upon a few players, which is the show’s manner of displaying the candidates for elimination/victory. Josie is worried about the time. The (apparently) returning player has selected a risky strategy to aid her team since she has immunity. Her turkey is not cooking in a satisfactory manner yet. My mother always says the same thing on Thanksgiving morning only to present the most delicious food in the world a few hours later. So I am not buying it.
Tyler reveals that when he is not being star struck by Emeril Lagasse, he is a recovering alcoholic. He is currently seven months sober, a commendable period of sobriety. As we all know, there is nothing funny about alcoholism unless the person is a celebrity (see: Mel Gibson). So I will move along to Kuniko who is, amazingly enough, having trouble with the clock once more after failing to produce a dish earlier. Surely to God she will not mess up the timing twice, right?
Carla is given a back story, which is rarely a good sign on the show. We learn that her parents died at a young age, which forced Carla to raise her siblings. I presume that this early instance of forced maturity is what led to her forceful personality. I also imagine that her siblings have never in their entire lives gotten a word in edgewise.
“That’s why I left Europe: European women.” – Stefan, who is still single, ladies! Don’t everybody hit on him at once.
Chef Josie is the first to present from the Gray Team. I easily remember her name this week because she is wearing a giant headband that says “CHEF JOSIE”. I’m surprised Spike never considered branding himself in this manner. Anyway, Josie’s offering is a disaster. The turkey is so pink that one judge remarks, “Not recommended by the USDA." If Chef Josie did not have immunity, I suspect she would be in a world of hurt right now.
The judging experience is strange in and of itself. The menus reflect the personalities of Colicchio and Lagasse so they obviously have bias toward their team’s food. Emeril lavishes praise on almost all of his team members while Tom behaves similarly. What eventually happens is that they remove themselves from the discussion, allowing the other four people to vote upon the winner. By the time Kuniko’s dish is described as raw, the result is a foregone conclusion anyway.
The surprise is how dialed up Colicchio and Lagasse become as the judges chime in. I had expected this to be a silly little competition among friends. Instead, it is immediately apparent that bragging rights are vital. After Tom wins the first two votes, Emeril recoils. When Dana prepares to vote, Emeril chimes in. “Don’t forget Brooke’s biscuit!” No one will ever accuse him of being impartial. Alas, Dana and Padma agree with the previous votes. Colicchio’s Cooks defeat Bamslam by a unanimous 4-0 vote.
As shocking as this turn of events proves to be, Kuniko is in danger of being eliminated. After winning the first two challenges last week, she may finish in last place twice in this episode. Josie would be in the discussion if not for her immunity. This is a stunning reversal of fortune for Kuniko, who experienced one of the strongest first episodes in the history of the competition.
Before we get to the elimination, the top three are chosen. CJ, Lizzie and Carla finish on top. CJ was responsible for the key aspect of Turkeypocalypse, the turkey itself. His braised protein featuring Tom’s stuffing (*giggle*) was moist with perfect skin texture. He also loaded up on butter, which isn’t healthy but enhances any flavor profile.
Carla created a carrot soup with turkey meatballs that was so original that Tom failed to recognize his own suggestion. The shocker is Lizzie; her dish is a basic batch of mashed potatoes. Even to consider this as an acceptable dish is bold yet she too has added enough butter that the judges are salivating. Their passion for this flavor is over the top for such a basic dish. Still, they choose not to reward her and instead announce that humble Carla is the winner.
“Winning is amazing. I know my soup was perfect. And I won with basically one hand.”
The bottom four is comprised of Tyler, Kuniko, Sheldon and Josie. While they walk to the public hanging, John Tesar lectures Danyele on why her team was inferior. Joshua clearly wants to throw Tesar a beating. I expect the two of them to conflict often. For that matter, I expect everyone to conflict with Tesar. He really has no tact whatsoever.
There isn’t a lot of complexity to the elimination discussion. Tyler messed up the gumbo, Kuniko failed to cook her dish, Josie served raw turkey and Sheldon’s dish was mushy. Josie goes the extra step to defend Kuniko by pointing out that the Japanese woman selflessly aided at every station during the preparation. Padma curtly states that the judges can only determine who will be eliminated based upon their dish. Uh oh.
Yes, Kuniko went from being the ascending star last week to the person voted out in the second episode in Seattle. Her inability to operate under the constraints of a time limit undid her in the end. This is unfortunate as she seemed like a very strong competitor.
After Kuniko informs the others of her plight, Tesar mans the Douche Fort once again. “I’m one of her biggest fans but you can do potatoes in your sleep as a chef...We had five hours, man. If you can’t taste your food in five hours, your mind is someplace else.” CJ and others point out the ill-considered nature of his comments. Tesar claims “I’m not lecturing you. You’re full of shit right now.” Kuniko was the only person who had befriended him and yet he immediately started criticizing her the instant she was eliminated. When this dude inevitably implodes, a lot of the other players will line up to dance on his grave.