Top Chef: Seattle Recap
By David Mumpower
November 12, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Top Chef: Texas was like a spectacular one-night stand. No matter how the STD and pregnancy tests turn out, we will always have that magical night with Charlize Theron pimping Snow White and the Huntsman. Unfortunately, we also have that other night when we watched Snow White and the Huntsman. The therapy and the constant self-medicating have done little to aid us in overcoming that particular trauma. Also, did we mention that Paul won that challenge?
The silliness above is mentioned only to remind you that Top Chef: Texas was an oftentimes tedious season. Heather and Sarah would bully Beverly, Ed would say something funny, Lindsay would discover new ways to compliment herself and then Paul would destroy them. There was also the ill-considered Last Chance Kitchen, an idea whose employment unintentionally led to Ed being eliminated. Given that he was the only Top Chef with a legitimate chance at upsetting Paul, the ending became (even more of) a foregone conclusion.
In the end, Top Chef: Texas fell short of expectations due to elements beyond its control. This was the season after Top Chef: All Stars, the pinnacle of the nine competitions thus far. The Texan participants suffered under the weight of undue expectations. The debut of season 10, on the other hand, is met with refreshing optimism. As long as no Top Chef candidate wins over half of the elimination challenges, this season by default will become more exciting than the most recent one.
Welcome to Top Chef: Seattle! We learn within moments of the premiere’s introduction that the tenth season will provide a serendipitous bonus for viewers. Our beloved Wolfgang Puck, who threw a too-hard doughnut during his most recent appearance on the show, is now a permanent judge for the season. With Anthony Bourdain planning his own cooking competition, Bravo needed star power. While we warmed to Hugh Acheson by the end of Top Chef: Texas, we welcome the news that Puck and Emeril Lagasse are also featured. Combined with Tom Colicchio, these season will feature three of the western hemisphere’s best-credentialed chefs. And Hugh Acheson. Welcome back, Unibrow!
The season begins in Los Angeles, California. Colicchio’s popular Craft restaurant is the initial setting and the first contestant immediately introduces himself. John Tesar claims that Anthony Bourdain describes the Top Chef entrant as “the best natural cook he’s ever worked with." Some compliments matter more than others and this one is proof positive. Editing quickly follows with a magazine cover with the headline: “The Most Hated Chef in Dallas." Oh, this is going to be good.
With the mention of the article so bold, I cannot resist the temptation to Google it. The resulting story is predictably heated. Apparently, Tesar embodies the pirate culture that Bourdain lionized in No Reservations. BOP’s favorite chef/author/world traveler goes a step farther in his more recent novel, Medium Raw. He describes Tesar thusly:
“Tesar was probably the single most talented cook I ever worked with - and the most inspiring... His food - even the simplest of things - made me care about cooking again. The ease with which he conjured up recipes, remembered old recipes (his dyslexia prevented him from writing much of value), and threw things together was thrilling to me. And, in a very direct way, he was responsible for any success I had as a chef afterward.”
Knowing absolutely nothing about Tesar before today, I am absolute in my confidence about two statements. The first is that his casting is a masterstroke for the Top Chef production. The second is that I will absolutely despise Tesar. After reading only a handful of articles about the chef, his self-destructive, ego-driven personal failings are readily apparent.
Tesar is but one of a quintet of chefs who arrive at the lobby of Craft. His introduction is so full-throated, however, that he is already demonstrably a level above his competitors. Colicchio cannot help but size up his peer when the man enters the kitchen. Top Chef is ostensibly a cooking competition centered upon rising culinary talents who want to make their bones by claiming the title. Tesar’s situation is unique. Here is a man whose reputation precedes him in the kitchen for myriad reasons. After only two minutes, he has already become the Stefan/Antonio of the season, the mercurial 800-pound gorilla against whom the others must compete.
The other competitors who seem diminished by Tesar’s spotlight now receive an introduction. There is Lizzie Binder, a South African woman who eye-bangs Colicchio’s brains out then confesses her fantasy sins during her camera interview. Jorel Pierce is based in Denver and while I’m confident there is a lot to his personality, I cannot get past the handlebar mustache. He looks like he has modeled his appearance after a Rollie Fingers baseball card.
Micah Fields is the executive chef at The Standard Hotel in Los Angeles. The marketing people really dropped the ball on that hotel name. Anyway, Micah expresses a tremendous amount of confidence then is reduced to flop-sweat moments later. Joining him in this regard is Anthony Gray of Atlanta. The heavyset gentleman appears hesitant and mousy from the instant he enters Craft. And he perspires like Meatloaf running a marathon. The reason that Micah and Anthony look so overwhelmed is simple.
Tom announces that he has judged over 150 challenges and more dishes than he could possibly count. He notes that this is the tenth season of Top Chef and that he wants to watch how the contestants perform in a kitchen. As was the case with Top Chef: Texas, the would-be performers of Top Chef: Seattle must sing for their supper. The five players are hustled back to the kitchen and just like that, they are placed in a stress test wherein each one is evaluated regarding their cooking ability. Tonight’s Craft dinners will be supplied by the five fledgling Top Chefs.
Lizzie is the first one challenged. Tom informs the South African that he has a job for her. Lizzie’s mind presumably races to dozens of lurid interpretations before she is gob-smacked by the reality of the request. She is to shape the tortellini for the dinner rush. This appears to be a precise, demanding task yet she quickly accomplishes the request. Tom deduces that this is not her first time making tortellini. To this point, there has been neither mention of how many qualifying rounds there will be nor how many chefs will advance from this group. Lizzie appears to be in great shape, though.
Anthony, on the other hand, needs a shower. The Georgian has psyched himself out regarding the scale of earning a spot on Top Chef. He seems totally intimidated by Colicchio as well. Tom asks him to break down whole ducks, a task that Anthony should have no problem completing. He mentions his expertise and experience with hunting game. Then, he messes up and nicks a breast. Anthony may be a marvelous chef but he is struggling mightily thus far. “I basically fked up," he summarizes.
The odd situation of John Tesar is evaluated once again. Colicchio is perplexed by this odd turn of events that sees him judging a peer rather than the usual rising contestant. Pointedly, he asks Tesar “Why are you doing this?” Tesar has practiced his response. Too quickly, he replies, “I’m in Dallas. I’m starting my own company. I have a 20-month old son, I want the acceptance of my peers and I want to show the world that even a 54-year-old guy, there’s no reason to stop…”
Yes, John Tesar is the oldest contestant in the history of the show. He confides that he “came up with the Mario Batalis and the Bobby Flays and I owned a hot restaurant in the Hamptons." Some quick research reveals that Tesar was a millionaire at age 30 yet reduced to sleeping on the floors of friends by the time he was 36. Clearly, this dude is prone to implode.
Tesar also strikes me as a dangerous Top Chef champion if he somehow accomplishes this feat. In the past, when Tesar has failed mightily, he only had himself to blame. Now, if there is a disastrous headline, a portion of it will include the statement “Top Chef winner John Tesar.” This is the same problem Survivor experienced when Richard Hatch stopped paying his taxes.
The concern grows larger as Colicchio waits but a brief period before acknowledging that Tesar is worthy of a Top Chef coat. Although there is again no indication how many contenders will be given such a jacket, the 54-year-old is the first player officially to advance to the actual competition. Notably, none of the other participants are privy to the discussion. They believe that Tesar has been eliminated, which lights a fire under all of them to perform at a high level and quickly if they want to avoid a similar fate.
Mikah is first to feel the new heightened pressure. Tom demands that he filet black bass. During the conversation, Micah reveals that he skipped straight from line cook to executive chef. He was never a sous chef, a huge disadvantage in the current setting. Tom provides some tutelage while Micah worries whether his blind spot of inexperience might set him.
Handlebar mustache aficionado Jorel (he’s bringing it back) receives a gift from Tom. His task is to butcher chicken, which is also what he does in his job in Denver. “I could butcher a pig with my eyes closed," he boasts. Then, he blows the assignment by ignoring Tom’s (admittedly imprecise) instructions by removing the bones. This is against Tom’s wishes, and he is re-trained by the Top Chef judge. Presumably, this is a strike against Jorel if he fails at a task straight from his job description.
Oddly, the show cuts at this juncture. The setting is changed to Las Vegas, Nevada where Emeril Lagasse is holding court at Table 10 restaurant in the Palazzo Hotel Casino. The further results at Craft will not be revealed until later. For his part, the charismatic man with the BAM! catchphrase welcomes five more chefs into his establishment.
Unbelievably, one of them has a handlebar mustache. Jorel’s look is already sweeping the nation! There is another coincidence with this grouping. Two of the participants, Stephanie and Kristen, not only work together at the same Boston restaurant but also live in the same apartment complex. They even got matching spoon tattoos on their arms.
Stephanie states, “[There are] a lot of lesbian rumors because of this, which we’re not. Just to clarify.” She swallows hard as she states this. I immediately infer that either she is truly bothered by the rumors or that she is worried that an appearance on Top Chef will out the couple. Either way, the spoon tattoos are ugly, potential The Tick and The Matrix references notwithstanding.
Handlebar mustache guy #2 has a name; it is Josh Valentine. He also seems a bit overwhelmed by the circumstance. Compared to Stephanie, however, he is Cary Freakin’ Grant in terms of grace and poise. Stephanie looks every bit as wide-eyed as Anthony, albeit without the dripping perspiration.
The other two contenders, Tina and Jeffrey, are milquetoast. The latter gentleman states that his primary goal on Top Chef is to bring honor to his boyfriend, Jim. The sentiment is nice but woefully lacking in killer instinct. “I’m not here for me” is not a competitive attitude. Say what you will about Beverly last season, she possessed the burning hunger to win that drove her to tremendous feats in the face of constant criticism.
Tina is not the focus of the show enough to provide a read on her personality. I presume this means that she either has a deep run on Top Chef or is so boring that they didn’t waste the air time on her. Let’s hope the former is true. Otherwise, I’m a jerk for saying that.
Emeril’s challenge is deceptive. The chefs are informed that they must create a bowl of soup. Do not for a second let opening a can of Campbell’s enter your mind. Soup structure is a complex combination of blended flavor profiles. For professionals such as these five people, soup is not meant to be eaten with crackers.
As Stephanie hits the panic button, Kristen demonstrates an intimidating degree of confidence. She smiles and jokes with Emeril. Then, she casually reveals that she is a former winner of Model Boston. Competitions such as this are nothing new for Kristen. Meanwhile, Stephanie is so dialed up that the only words she can muster in reply to Emeril are: “Yes, chef.” I have a bad feeling about her.
The free form nature of the challenge leads to one surprise. Jeffrey attempts a chilled gazpacho. Emeril believes that there is no chance the dish will get cold enough to impress. “If he gives me a hot gazpacho, he’s out.” Jeffrey has miscalculated by adding a senseless level of difficulty to an already life changing pressure situation. The only good news is that with high risk comes high reward. Or quick elimination.
Josh is the chef with the largest problem, though. He finishes his dish too early. Nine minutes too early. Emeril quizzes him on whether he worries that the soup will be cold. To Josh’s credit, he (curtly) acknowledges that he is worried rather than provide a BS answer of denial. Moments later, Emeril exacerbates the situation by tasting Josh’s dish last of the five entries. So there is probably 15-20 minutes of sitting time for that bowl of soup. Josh appears to be in a lot of trouble.
Stephanie provides a cauliflower soup but not before mumbling “I’m going to vomit” to her Spoon Buddy. Emeril is nonplussed by the cauliflower but otherwise enjoys the dish. How important is cauliflower in a cauliflower soup anyway?
Tina delivers a delicious looking shellfish & chorizo soup. Emeril’s first word is “Garlicky!” I am amused at the way that the contestants parse through his every word in order to deduce their chances of advancing in Top Chef. Tina appears dubious until he adds that the garlic does not overpower the other flavors.
Kristen delivers a goopy English pea broth featuring lemon peel, apple and seared scallop. I would never put this in my mouth. Emeril is curious as to why poached her fish three times. She quickly replies that she wanted to “pull out the bitterness." Her ready answer impresses Emeril as much as the food does.
The real winner in this heat is Jeffrey. He delivers a chilled gazpacho that offers the sort of aesthetic appearance for which Instagram was created. We already know that there is a litmus test for this dish. Is it cold? Emeril quickly confirms that the gazpacho is nicely chilled. In the same breath, he continues that Jeffrey should grab a coat as he is going to Seattle. Jeffrey took a chance and has been rewarded. Hmm, maybe I should say that his boyfriend has been rewarded.
The other competitors are perplexed by this turn of events. They believed that there would be a round of judging followed by a ruling from Emeril. After Jeffrey’s promotion, the remaining players intuit that had their dishes been better, they would have already be confirming plane tickets for Washington. Since Emeril indicated that he may only take one contender, there is universal cause for concern.
Josh is the only one with at least some level of confidence remaining. His dish has yet to be tasted. Then again, it has only been sitting for so long now that it cannot taste the way he had intended. Emeril samples the roasted corn and coconut soup with mussels for a moment. He comments that he is “waiting for the chili to come on because it’s a little sweet." John is not given a chef jacket immediately as Jeffrey had been.
Moments later, Emeril informs the remaining participants that there are still jackets remaining. The catch is that he is seeking to promote chefs who not only cook well but also perform so impressively that he believes they can win Top Chef. Only three of them qualify under this umbrella. Stephanie has in fact fallen victim to her nerves, an unfortunate turn of events. Tina has also not qualified, which means I am in fact a jerk. Try to act surprised by this news.
The three contestants from the Las Vegas leg who qualify for Top Chef: Seattle are Jeffrey, Josh and Kristen. They join John Tesar as the first four entrants. Tomorrow, I will recount the other two heats as well as the final results from Craft. Until then, bon appetit…by which I mean “Screw Flanders!” (I’ve been wanting to write that for five seasons now. )