Survivor: Philippines - Preview Part II
By Ben Willoughby
September 12, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com

A reporter must have just asked him about steroids. Or his truck.

Matsing Tribe

Malcolm

Malcolm is a 23-year-old hairband-wearing bartender from Los Angeles, but we all know the wannabe actors never, ever do well, and I should just stop the summary here.

But Malcolm’s different from the other “bartenders” who have been on the show. He says that as a kid, he wasn’t even allowed to watch TV except for Survivor. Unsurprisingly, he applied to Survivor in a fit of rebellion after his mother told him to get a job. He also claims to be smarter than everyone else, even though he only went to Dartmouth. His favourite Survivor player is Brian Heidik, winner of Survivor Thailand, and Malcolm plans to follow Brian’s “borderline sociopathic style of play”. He’s planning not to tell anyone how smart he is or that he went to Dartmouth, and has even researched his local high school to prepare a cover story!

Malcolm also claims his inspiration is the pre-murder O.J. Simpson, and then he goes on to make a clutch of O.J. Simpson jokes. If he can’t go two minutes in an EW interview without saying something inappropriate, I don’t think he’s going to do any better in-game.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 12

Zane

Zane is a 28-year-old tire re-treader who comes from the same North Carolina town as Johnny Fairplay! He’s here to get the money for his wife and kids, he’s never been outside North Carolina, he’s outgoing and gregarious, he’s work-fit not gym-fit, he wants to be able to afford a tow-truck, etc. If you’re an Amazing Race fan, you would have seen this archetype last season.

Zane believes that he will win thanks to divine intervention. It’s meant to be, because he actually got on the show the proper way by sending in a video, and without being recruited, or being a bartender or pageant winner or anything. It’s great that divine intervention got Zane this far, but maybe he should check with Matt from Redemption Island about whether God might have other, long-term character-building plans. Anyway, I’m looking forward to watching Zane.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 18

Angie

Angie is our second beauty pageant winner this season. You know the very early seasons of Survivor, where they set up scenarios, like a plane crash or a shipwreck? This season’s scenario would be a bus accident on the way to Miss USA.

Angie says that people think she comes off as a Barbie doll, and gives the impression is that she is totally okay with that. She also says that like Fabio from the Nicaragua season, she is often mistaken for a dumb blonde. But were people who thought Fabio was a dumb blond really mistaken?

Angie is going to win Survivor because “she’s awesome”. Awesome! Angie’s strategy is not to annoy anyone, but when she talks about her “negative personalities” she says that when she doesn’t eat she gets “bratty and aggravated." Going on TV to play a game where you starve yourself for 39 days sounds like an excellent strategy.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 72

Roxy

Roxy is a cheery 27-year-old seminary student who is also in the US Army Reserve as a chaplain candidate. Roxy’s parents are migrants from the Caribbean, and they laugh at the Survivor contestants, saying that “this is how we used to live." And now Roxy’s looking forward to be laughed at by her parents.

Roxy says that she has a big personality, so it’s going to be hard to lay low, and she will focus on building morale. I’m glad that at least one castaway has decided to not go against their nature. Roxy says she is going to win because her training as a chaplain helps her to relate to a lot of different people, and because she has God on her side. She also talks about Matt from Redemption Island, and how God did him a solid by sending him to be away from everything, because you saw him play so well. And then rejoining his tribe, only to be sent back again?

On the plus side, she says that she is used to fasting and denying herself things. But then she gushes about this one guy who’s really cute, and how she hopes that he won’t be on her team because it’s going to be sooooooo distracting. Having reviewed the videos of all the young hot guys out there, this should not be an issue after she has met them.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 24

Denise

Denise is Iowa’s only certified sex therapist, which leaves Iowa without any sex advice over the next 39 days. Maybe Denise will give some out some tips in her interviews?

Denise plans to run the game, because her job is to size people up every day. She doesn’t like lazy, ignorant, or closed-minded people, but presumably she deals with them every day as well. Her strategy is to give people what they want at camp, and to save the being ticked off for the voting. Denise notes her Midwestern work ethic, and is already looking askew at those women doing their cuticles and painting their nails. I’m hopeful for Denise, but it’s a shame that all the younger, prettier women are going to gang up and vote her out.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 18

Russell

Of the three returning castaways, Russell was probably the saddest to be leaving the game, and also the one who came closest to death, with the eyes rolling back and everything.

Russell says that he has learned that Survivor is a marathon, not a sprint, and that he doesn’t have to be kicking ass and taking names all the time. It’s a shame he had to learn that from experience, when all he had to do was look at the titles. It says "39 days," Russell.

Russell claims that the way he went out in Survivor: Samoa is an asset, and that he plans to use his previous weakness and lack of leadership to his advantage. Seriously, he’s going with the “I sucked so bad last time, how can I be a threat?” approach. His words.

I’m glad Russell will be taking back “Russell”.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 12

Tandang Tribe

Abi

Abi is a business student, who was originally recruited for the Tocantins season but didn’t make the cut because having actually grown up in interior Brazil would have been too much of an advantage. She also says that her biggest fear is having to go out into the jungle in the middle of the night to take a dump, so I’m not sure how big an advantage she would have had.

Abi doesn’t give much away about her strategy apart from generic “I want to be the underdog” statements, but she claims that she will stand out because of her accent, and that people will be inspired by her. I’m not inspired. Also, her bio has her reason for competing in Survivor as “to meet the guy of my dreams”.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 36

RC

RC is a 26-year-old investment banker, who claims to be the total package of athletics and brains. Not everyone can be the total package, ladies. She has been watching since Season 1, and claims that finance has prepared her for Survivor, due to all of the people trying to back-stab you and get ahead. Then why did she take 39 days leave from her investment bank?

RC was the 112th Wellesley College hoop-rolling champion. It wasn’t that long ago (like, 50 years) that the best hoop-roller was going to be the first to get married (good going, Wellesley!), though RC still seems to be single. Nowadays, the best hoop-roller will be the one to first find success, however they define it. It’s pretty clear that RC defines it as “Sole Survivor”. RC also has more credible athletic accomplishments, like swimming the English Channel, as well as a laugh that is going to grate on her fellow castaways

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 12

Artis

Artis looks like Samuel L. Jackson shaved his hair and beard and put on a yellow tank top and some pirate earrings. Maybe he’ll be angry at Coach Carter for appropriating one of his roles, because when Artis isn’t smiling, his natural look is angry. Artis is intense and he knows it, because his first priority is to create "a sense of comfort" with the other players. Artis describes himself as “a chameleon with the ferocity of a praying mantis” who can “flip a switch and unleash the beast," and the minute he feels threatened he “will chew you up and chew you out like you are not anything, I don’t know you, I don’t wanna know you, I’m never gonna see you again after I get my check." Excellent!

Artis is an IT network designer for the Federal government and a survivor of Stage 4 cancer and his inspiration is his ex-wife, and he prays every day that they are brought back together. This season’s reunion episode is going to be uncomfortable.

Artis says that if Phillip from Redemption Island comes back as a returning castaway, he is screwed. Apparently it’s not because they are too alike, but because Phillip didn’t know anything. Artis’ actual favourite is Boston Rob, because of all the manipulation. Whatever, he’s going to be our most quotable castaway.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 18

Lisa

Not only do I not know who Jeff Kemp is, I have never seen an episode of The Facts of Life. All I know about it is, it has a Tootie. I sure picked the wrong season to recap. But at least I won’t be making any jokes about taking the good and taking the bad, or having a brilliant idea.

Anyway, Lisa hasn’t been in show business for 20 years, but she used to play the preppy, snot-nosed Blair on The Facts of Life. Lisa compares Blair to Colton, though she herself comes across so nice and wholesome that she must be a pretty decent actress. Which is why I don’t get that she disavows that being a manipulator, liar and cheater is not a strategy she can do. Maybe she’s a better actor than I think, and completely in character?

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 36

Pete

Pete is a 24-year-old “engineer by education, model by occupation” from New Jersey but he’s “not into that Jersey shore thing." He claims to have been every kind of person – hardcore gamer, jock, frat boy, kid that stays home and studies, kid with acne – that will help him be a social chameleon. Like everyone else, he doesn’t want to stand out and be the leader, he just wants not to annoy everyone. What is it with these people who have to try so hard not to annoy everyone? It’s like Survivor finds people who are habitually annoying and then casts them on purpose.

Pete also says that he is passive-aggressive, and plans to be the black sheep that causes chaos. His first impressions of the other castaways are that Angie could be Parvati to his Russell, which didn’t work out that well for Russell. Peter seems pretty impatient to get the interviews over with as quickly as possible. If I were being interviewed by EW that’s how I’d feel too, but good luck explaining to an idiot why they should vote the way you want.

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 18

Michael

If Michael was not a returning castaway, I would confuse him with John Malkovich, but everyone remembers Michael. He’s the guy who fell in the fire! I can picture him sitting in that Australian creek, screaming as his skin peeled away from his hands. It took a year to heal, Michael says in interview. The most iconic reality TV departure ever, Jeff salivates in his video about the returnees.

Michael is planning on a high-risk, go for it strategy. He’s not a fan of under the radar, and doesn’t think it’s a good strategy as what, two of the 24 winners won using that. (More like seven or eight, Michael, including the only person to win twice) But at least he is going with a strategy that is consistent with who he is. Michael does say that he will be more cerebral this time around in terms of how his play affects others around him. So he’s learned that everyone else on his tribe that first time around hated him.

Even with ten years between Survivor experiences, Michael seems better equipped this time around. Still, I wonder how he will cope with all these new-fangled inventions that castaways since Season 2 have invented, such as deceit and lying?

Odds of being the Sole Survivor: 1 in 18

So even if we don’t end up with a good group of players in Survivor: Philippines, it looks like a good group of characters that will provide plenty of entertainment this season.

Come back next week, when we’ll learn how many of these supposed fans actually recognize the returning players and have actual Probst sightings. And over the rest of the season, we’ll have weekly recaps, including updates on how many castaways get medevac’d out this time.