Survivor: One World Recap
One World Is Out the Window
By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis
March 7, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The only trouble for the men’s tribe comes in the form of Colton, an in-bred hick with a need for attention that would make various Kardashians shake their heads with pity. Colton was given an immunity idol by the members of Salani. After gaining possession of the game’s most powerful weapon, Colton formed an alliance of his own. He sought out the weaker members of the men’s tribe, Manono. Pointing out that they were not included in the walking American Apparel ad that is the power alliance, he secured the votes of Troyzan, Tarzan, Leif and Jonas. With only nine men in the group, this means that the “Misfits Alliance” is currently in control, whether too-impressed-with-himself Matt accepts this or not.
Night 5 at Salani begins with Alicia and Kat hugging while Chelsea, a woman who definitely hates to lose, laments, well, everything. Chelsea believes that if the women could get any momentum whatsoever, it could sustain them for a while. Colton and Jonas interrupt these thoughts by offering the safety of their dwelling to the women. A storm is in the offing. Forced to choose between heavy rain and Colton’s companionship, the ladies choose wisely. They suffer through the inclement weather.
A night without the protection of tarp leaves a few of the women desperate for the comfort of dry dwellings. They ask a few men if they can visit the Manono (doesn’t that sound like a boy band name?) encampment. Several of them are allowed to do so. This infuriates Matt. His empathy meter needs a re-charge.
Probst sighting!
Today’s reward challenge wherein the men humiliate the women (doesn’t this seem inevitable?) is a memory test. Six items from the island are placed behind a curtain. For a few seconds, the curtain is lifted. The contestants must memorize the items before the curtain drops once more then replicate them in front of our dimpled host. Since the women have failed completely in physical challenges, this is far and away their best hope for victory thus far. The prize is a fishing supply kit plus a canoe, one of the best group rewards ever offered this early in the game.
There is a race element to this challenge in that the players are required to look behind the curtain only as long as they need to memorize the order. This comes into play initially when Sabrina and Matt compete during the first heat. Sabrina runs back to replicate the items, which forces Matt to rush. He beats Sabrina to the mat that designates the player is ready to have their work reviewed…but he makes a mistake. Sabrina on the other hand gets her order correct, which gives the women a 1-0 lead.
Good is matched against evil in the second heat as Monica battles Colton. We hope that Monica wins handily and that an undiscovered breed of venomous snake drops from a tree and poisons Colton. Alas, the Rolling Stones are wise. We do not get what we want but we get what we need. Colton is first to have his work checked but he ruins everything and everything includes reward challenges. Monica continues to impress as she wins on her first attempt. The women are now ahead 2-0. An upset is brewing.
The challenge goes so well for the women that the upset of the day occurs as Alicia beats Jay. We had not anticipated Alicia to complete this challenge even if the curtain were left up and all she needed to do was match item for item…and her teammates were allowed to call out the answers. Somehow, she gets the order correct on her first attempt, which is the most shocking thing on television since Janet Jackson’s halftime show. Up 3-0, the women are in the driver’s seat.
The fourth heat “features” a matchup of Troyzan versus Kat. What’s the opposite of Clash of the Titans? Troyzan tries to play mindgames by shutting his curtain almost immediately. This…doesn’t work. Fortunately for him, Kat has as much chance of getting the order correct in her first attempt as she does at winning Survivor, which is to say absolute zero. This “battle” continues for seven rounds before one of them, Kat, correctly orders the items. We haven’t checked the math on this but we believe random luck is just as likely to account for this as Kat correctly remembering the order.
Moments later, Christina completes the shutout by defeating Bill. For the first time this season, Salani has defeated Manono at something and they have done so emphatically. A 5-0 victory in a memory game is not going to make Matt happy. If the women show up at the men’s shelter again today, he very well may kill one of them.
What follows next is difficult to believe. The women need fire so they are proactive in asking the men for an ember to start one. Salty over their recent ignominious defeat, the men cast baleful stares at the women. Matt is beside himself with rage over this, stating that if the women do not reciprocate, this has to stop. Colton, who begged the women for attention last week to the point of his breaking down in tears, states that he is a republican. That’s weird for a gay man in and of itself but whatever. When he says, “I do not believe in handouts,” we guffaw. Colton, who was GIVEN an immunity idol, does not believe in handouts. We would point out the hypocrisy of the statement to him but he’s too stupid to understand it.
Chelsea and Alicia determine that they have to utilize the men’s shelter. When they arrive, the men correctly request quid pro quo. They want access to the canoe when the women are not using it. This is a perfectly reasonable request and yet for no apparent reason, Alicia refuses to say yes. She instantly morphs into a coquettish provider of mixed signals. Jay demands a straight answer. While under the men’s roof, Alicia states that she does not believe the men’s deals are fair.
Tarzan stands up straight and sends the women away. They will not be allowed to return without acknowledging the men’s request. The women settle upon a decision to decline. We cannot stand Matt yet he is right. The women are ungrateful, choosing to take without giving. They are every bit as hypocritical as Colton. This is not going to be a good season of Survivor.
Using their shiny new fishing equipment for the first time, Chelsea, Kim and Monica each catch a fish, which gives them a lot of confidence as we head into…
Probst Sighting!!!
The elimination challenge is one of those “lead the blind” competitions wherein one contestant shouts instructions to lead their players to water towers. At these designated locations, they are arbitrarily dunked with water (how very You Can’t Do That on Television) then given pieces for a puzzle they are to assemble. The first team to complete it wins the challenge and immunity. The second team to complete it will have nasty water dunked on them for no reason. Survivor is a cruel show.
There are two halves to this challenge. The physical portion requires a lot of teamwork as Bill and Sabrina steer their teammates toward the proper areas. Bill is fantastic at this phase while Sabrina vacillates between imprecise instructions and inexplicable stretches of silence. The women grow very frustrated with her as the men easily beat them to the puzzle phase.
Then, Bill spits the bit. I don’t mean that he struggles as mightily as Kat did the previous episode. Still, he is slow enough in solving the puzzle that the women catch up to him. And while Sabrina may not be employable as an auctioneer, she solves a puzzle in record time. After falling far behind, the women upset the men for the second time in this episode. And this is all Bill’s fault. He stole defeat from the jaws of victory with his failed puzzle attempt.
Before the show cuts to a commercial break, Matt is shown uttering the words we always hate. He has convinced himself that it is fantastic that his tribe has to vote someone out. “My mind was just blown. I couldn’t believe we lost but now that we’ve lost this challenge, I’m looking forward to doing this. I mean, I’ve spent eight days out here kind of creating some power and I want to use it. And I want to execute some of it tonight. That’s what’s gonna happen.”
First of all, Matt doesn’t have the allies that he thinks he does. Even if he did, this is exactly the wrong philosophy. Survivor is a numbers game. Avoiding needless votes is integral to long term success. No one should ever be excited to go to Tribal Council because there is simply too much beyond any one player’s control.
Back at camp, the women gloat over the fact that the men were overly confident prior to the loss. Well, ladies, they had won four out of the previous five challenges. Also, they built a massive lead over your team in the teamwork portion of this challenge. Their overconfidence was based in fact. The problem was Bill. This means…
It’s time to play It’s Anyone But Bill.
Bill thinks he is in the power alliance, the alpha male quintet that calls all the shots. Alas, one of those five players, Troyzan, has switched sides. And while we still hate to type the word “Troyzan," this turn of events is indicative of the fact that an alpha male is likely to go home. We would strongly suggest Matt if the Misfits Alliance wants to pick off the strongest players, but that would also mean sending home someone who has helped a great deal in challenges. Seriously, Matt has performed so well that we oftentimes find ourselves wondering if maybe, just maybe, he is as good as he thinks he is.
Our choices are laid out before us when Colton opens his offensive, dumbass hillbilly mouth (one of us is from Tennessee and the other one is from Alabama so we can say this with sincerity). Colton hates black people. He isn’t even subtle about it. He utilizes every euphemism in the book to reveal this without explicitly stating the words. We will not dignify the comments with precise discussion. We will simply note that if someone hated Colton simply due to his sexuality, he would be outraged. Judging someone by their pigmentation, on the other hand, is apparently a-ok in Colton’s hypocritical, tiny mind.
The other members of Manono (correctly) view Matt as the bigger threat. We reiterate that voting out the strongest players this early in the game is oftentimes a crippling mistake. Even so, Tarzan in particular wants Matt eliminated. The Misfits boldly convent=e right in front of Matt, who wanders over and asks about the nature of the conversation. When this query is met with resounding silence, Matt wonders if he is the subject. Tarzan effectively says yes. Matt has taken the temperature of the room and recognized that he needs a sweater. And an electric blanket. And a fireplace. And an active volcano.
Just before this occurs, Jay recognizes that the tide has turned. He talks his way into the Misfits alliance, which is a heady move on his part. Thus far, Jay has reminded us of J.T. (before he sent the letter to Evil Loser Russell) in that he has great instincts. He is someone we believe could go far in this game. Our concern is that he is now the sixth person in a six person alliance. Then again, it’s better than being one of four people in a four person alliance in the same tribe with a five person alliance.
As Jay improves his position, Matt tries to flex his muscle, literally and figuratively. He pulls aside Troyzan and has a conversation about…something. He incorrectly believes that Troyzan is leading his alliance. This may yet happen as we fervently believe that Colton receives the Mussolini’s Corpse treatment before everything is said and done this season. Right now, he is not someone calling the shots in his group.
Even so, Matt launches into a discussion about how the roosters want to get rid of the roosters so that they can have all the chickens to themselves. Or something like that. Does Matt want Colton as his consort? Is this a Gonzo from the Muppets reference we don’t understand? Whatever Matt is trying to say (and it’s the great mystery of the season to date), he concludes with, “The chickens, they can’t break up the roosters. And that’s how I saw it from day one. And frankly, I saw you as part of the roosters. I would love to create a new reality out here.” Simply by having this conversation, that mission is accomplished.
There is some mystery at Tribal Council because Colton is the man calling the shots. As usual, players are showing faaaaar too much deference to the person holding the immunity idol. And that person wants to vote based upon skin color. When others inform Colton that Matt wants him gone, he reconsiders. Given how mercurial and impetuous Colton is, we have no idea whether he stubbornly dictates that his original choice goes home or if he targets the person with the audacity to threaten him. Either way, the one aspect of this we know for sure is that Colton will claim that his master plan worked perfectly. It’s what low rent nutjobs always do.
Colton chooses Matt, which means that the de facto leader of the Manono tribe is the first one eliminated. Is it too lazy to drop the MA and call them the NoNo tribe? That seems perfect somehow. Colton also reveals that he has the hidden immunity idol to the three remaining players who didn’t know. That little punk is in complete control at the moment. The only thing we have to look forward to is watching how he blows it. We bet his flameout is epic and that he balls like a two year old who lost their candy when he gets eliminated.