The Amazing Race Recap
By Daron Aldridge
March 5, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Anyway, enough of me dancing on their reality game show grave, let’s take a look at how my subjectively determined power rankings look heading into the third episode:
Army of Two Rachel & Dave: Two legs down and two first place finishes. Like I said last week, Blonde Rachel and combat pilot Dave will either dominate through the Race and take home a million bucks (a la Meghan & Cheyne) or dominate through the Race and suffer a heartbreaking, unexpected elimination (a la Team Dude Tommy & Andy). With the Express Pass in their pocket, I think they will continue to dominate; thus, the number one spot in my rankings.
Border Patrol’s Art & JJ: Here’s the team I think I misread the most before the season started. I truly thought they would bicker more but in actuality, they work well and channel any emotional outbursts in the direction of Team Big Brother, which is a healthy exercise in my mind. Also, last week, they gambled by being the only ones to choose the Light my Fire Detour task and it paid off with a second place finish. More of that and Art & JJ are here to stay.
Bopper & Mark: I have to give these proud Kentuckians credit. Last week, they showed glimpses of that "thoroughbred" competitiveness they declared in their introductions, with Mark shining in particular on both the Detour and the Roadblock with its cattle calculations. As a reward, they got to Phil third and couldn’t be happier. More of their strong work on the tasks and less of feeling sorry for Bad Rachel and helping her out, just may push them to the end.
Dating divorcees Vanessa & Ralph: Okay…bear with me on this one. My gut still thinks that Vanessa & Ralph are a team the others should be afraid of. Their seventh place finish last week belies their competitiveness. Their second departing bus had the unfortunate luck of a two hour delay, yet this dating duo still burned through the tasks and was the first team on their bus to hit the mat. But in good conscience, if they have yet another week in the bottom batch of teams due to bad Race luck, I’ll just have to accept that fate is against them. Plus, the previews show that Team Big Brother starts to hate them this week, which means that I am guaranteed to root for Vanessa & Ralph.
Team Un-Fed Nary & Jamie: First, with slightly more screen time this week, Nary & Jamie confirmed their ruse about being Kindergarten teachers. In fact, the others were seen referring to them as such when trying to figure out where everyone was. I like the (possibly) unnecessary act of duplicity because it shows they are approaching the Race strategically.
Kerri & Stacy: Last week, cousins Kerri & Stacy hustled through the tasks and were elated to hear that their bus passed the one with four other teams. Even though they aren’t as strong as some other teams, I am using my heart and not my mind, when I happily give them an edge over…
Team Big Brother Brendon & Rachel: If you haven’t figured out by now my level of disdain for these two, then you clearly skipped my ranking explanations for Bopper & Mark and Vanessa & Ralph. Here’s the recap: I hate that they are on my TV. I would have rather been subjected to a team of Survivor’s Parvati and Coach, which would painful to watch. Because of a departed cab, Bad Rachel turned into a sobbing, blubbering child even though they KNEW they were at worst in fourth place…out of TEN! She is a) that emotionally unbalanced; b) so used to being on camera and crying to get sympathy or c) a combination. I go with "c," which would prove how fake these two are. Meanwhile, her not-so-better half Brendon is an enabling, hot-headed, irrational fool. Please, oh please, let these traits be their early downfall.
Twins Elliot & Andrew: tsk, tsk, tsk. Our twins should be performing better but unlike Vanessa & Ralph, I am not seeing the competitive drive I suspected would be there in the beginning. They were virtually edited out of the entire episode, which I must interpret to mean they did nothing noteworthy. The teased outburst from Andrew in this week’s episode points to a role reversal for the twins who both claim that Andrew is the more levelheaded one. I foresee a breakdown and a near elimination.
Joey "Fitness" & Danny: Just as Blonde Rachel & Dave have two first place finishes, our Jersey Shore mimics have back-to-back second-to-last finishes. I stick with my suspicion that they are in over their heads and that "second-to-last" distinction will finally change to "last." Of course, that means they will be last but this will be a non-elimination round. Just my guess.
Let’s jump on it and see what the third leg of The Amazing Race has in store for us. In the immortal words of Nirvana, “Here we are now…Entertain us.”
First, the teams are staying in South America, so forgive me for assuming that South America’s love affair with Blonde Rachel & Dave will continue with another first place finish. Even though our Army of Two is aware that this puts a target on their back, they vow to continue racing just as competitively.
Their compatriots in the race are Border Patrol Art & JJ, who express an appreciation for how they are racing and the fact that both have jobs that "protect our country." It’s like a Jingoism Brotherhood in the eyes of our Border Patrol racers. From a race perspective, though, JJ is thrilled that their next destination is in Paraguay, another Spanish-speaking country.
Both arrive at the airport and spy an 8:40 a.m. flight to Asuncion, Paraguay, but standby list is the only option. Unfortunately, all the other teams arrive with enough time to do the same. The odds of all the teams getting on board are slim to none and the resolute ticket agents shoot down each sneaky team that tries to convince them to switch names around or overlook the other teams' priority listings.
Team Un-Fed’s encouragement to the other teams to put their names on the waiting list does not sit well with the Border Patrol. JJ understandably doesn’t want to carry the others to the end but in fairness, there wasn’t that high of a chance that the other teams weren’t going to notice the standby flight. And the last time I checked, no team can have ownership of a standby list so other teams can’t try it. It’s not as if JJ could lick the list like the last donut, just so someone else can't have it.
No sooner than Army of Two and Border Patrol finish celebrating getting their standby seats, then Team Un-Fed and Kentucky are also ticketed for the flight. They are elated, or as Un-Fed’s Jamie graphically says, “I think I just sh-- myself.” Not very appropriate language for a fake Kindergarten teacher, eh?
With these four teams on a flight heading to Paraguay, the remaining five teams must settle for a flight that will arrive nearly two hours later. Each team is justifiably frustrated. Well, I assume they all are because we haven’t heard from or barely even seen cousins Kerri & Stacy.
Asuncion welcomes the first flight and its mad dash to the cab stand. The teams have to locate their clue at a storage yard for various items like slides, playground equipment and barbeque grills.
Art & JJ arrive at the site and find the clue first inside one of the grills. A Paraguay Detour is ahead and it involves either Stacked Up or Strung Out. Stacked Up requires the teams to drive to a fruit market and assemble a watermelon pyramid with a base that is 10-melons-by-10-melons wide. So the base alone on this crazy task is 100 watermelons and it goes up 10 melons high. Dang. I haven’t even heard what Strung Out is and I would have already prepaid my taxi driver to take me there over the melons.
So in reality, Strung Out is only slightly more appealing as the teams have to string a harp with 36 strings, so that it is ready for tuning. So, the tasks could be renamed: Impossible or Near-Impossible.
The insanity is somehow contagious because all four teams on the first flight independently choose Stacked Up. I swear I can see that two-hour head start on the other teams evaporate before my eyes, unless at least one of them wises up and switches tasks. For the first couple of layers of the pyramid, all the teams are upbeat, hustling and making progress. It must be hot out there, if you have pilot Dave complaining of the heat and he just completed a yearlong tour in Iraq.
Their hustle needs more bustle because, unbeknownst to them, the second flight has landed.
For the first time in the Race, we get a glimpse at the cracks in the Army of Two’s team dynamic. Because the married couple had been apart for so long, tension is coming to a head with this task as they start to snap as each other.
Meanwhile, the second flight’s teams are one-by-one searching for and finding the Detour clue. For consecutive legs, we have one team that deviates and chooses the other option. This week’s the dissenting team is Elliott & Andrew. Elliott the musician seems to be the decision maker on this one and it may just pay off for them.
Back at Stacked Up, Border Patrol secures their place at the head of the pack by finishing the Detour with little issue. They are off to the next clue; while the other teams are each almost back at square one as their pyramids collapse. Sounds like a great time for a commercial break because they will soon be joined by four more teams and not much of a lead.
Following the lead of Blonde Rachel & Dave, Teams Un-Fed and Kentucky have now bailed on Stacked Up and head to Strung Out. A little act of deception is doled out by Kentucky when cousins Kerri & Stacy arrive. Bopper & Mark are waiting to snatch up their girls’ cab and Bopper gives the girls a false sense of reassurance that they can knock out the task in a couple of hours. There is no room for Southern Hospitality on the Amazing Race and I applaud Team Kentucky for playing the game. I doubt the cousins will agree with me one that.
It doesn’t take long for Kerri & Stacy to realize that Stacked Up is not that simple but too long for them to reclaim their cab that’s already taking Kentucky to Strung Out.
Art & JJ have arrived at the next clue and it is a Roadblock. One of the team mates has to balance a wine bottle full of water on their head while performing a choreographed routine. If they break all of the bottles allotted to them, they will incur a two hour penalty. (This would be where I try one or two bottles and then intentionally break the remainder of my bottles to get the clock ticking on my two hour penalty because I don’t see many, if any, of the teams successfully completing the task.)
First up is Art for Team Border Patrol.
Jersey Shore, Big Brother and Vanessa & Ralph are now attempting the watermelons. Here’s where we get to see the power of the rift between Big Brother and Vanessa & Ralph and according to Vanessa, we get to see Bad Rachel’s “whole entire a--” with her football center watermelon unloading technique. Brendon tries to use their foresight into how fruitless of a task Stacked Up is (fruit pun intended) but Rachel finally admits that Vanessa’s brazen mocking of her factored into the decision.
It may not benefit Vanessa & Ralph in the end since they are still trying that task but they do have a victory in getting inside Bad Rachel’s head and affecting her game play. While I love that someone is openly ridiculing Big Brother, Ralph was right to try to get Vanessa to focus on their own task.
Art surprisingly completes the Roadblock after being drenched by bottle after bottle. Border Patrol is now heading to the Pitstop on foot located at a nearby monument. For their domination of this leg of the race, Art & JJ are team number one, greeted by the most attractive Pitstop companion of Phil’s possibly ever and rewarded with a trip to the Bahamas.
The twins have finally arrived at Strung Out but they are quickly joined by Team Un-Fed, Kentucky, the cousins and Army of Two. Upon seeing the many teams already there, Blonde Rachel & Dave finally decide to use their Express Pass. It isn’t entirely foolish given the difficulty they just endure on the failed watermelon task but if they have used it when Dave suggested when their pyramid fell; they would be in a better position time-wise. They are now heading to the Roadblock.
Oh yeah, Big Brother is now at Strung Out and they are extolling the heavenly combination of air conditioning and harp music. That’s enough about them for now.
Let’s check in with our two remaining Stacked Up teams: Jersey Shore and Vanessa & Ralph. Jersey Shore is finally able to use their muscles to gain headway on a task. The dating divorcees…not so much.
While Bopper and Bad Rachel take the lead on the task for their teams and the cousins work well together, the twins are wholly at odds with the task and each other. Well, their inability with Strung Out is just the hope that Army of Two is going to need, thanks to Dave and his “odd-shaped head” at the Roadblock.
Dave makes quick work of the Roadblock, in that he quickly drops all the bottles and they are handed their clue, knowing that a two hour penalty awaits them at the mat. We are about to see how much time really separates the teams from Detour to Roadblock to Pitstop. Rachel & Dave get their penalty assigned and take a seat on a bench, which hopefully won’t be the end of what they call a “complete and utter failure of a leg.” It’s hard to disagree with that assessment considering they even coughed up their Express Pass with possibly nothing to show for it.
Big Brother leaves Strung Out first; followed by Bopper & Mark. My fingers are crossed for complete failure by Big Brother on the Roadblock. Over at Stacked Up, the Jersey Shore meatheads are the second team to finish a task that scared away five other teams. Good job to them and if you nail the Roadblock, I apologize for underestimating you.
And based upon this leg, I have severely overestimated Vanessa & Ralph, who are still unable to finish Stacked Up and contemplating switching Detour tasks. This would not help their position too greatly since the cousins and Team Un-Fed are now done with Strung Out, which leaves the twins treading water solo at the task. Andrew is blaming his musician brother for choosing this task and then not being able to actually do it. Their lonely Strung Out reality appears short-lived as the twins are now debating on whether to switch tasks to the unappealing and time-killing Stacked Up. Just ask Vanessa & Ralph who have once again toppled their pyramid. So, of course, they are also discussing switching tasks.
This entire situation means to me is that Blonde Rachel & Dave might not be in too bad of a position with a two-hour penalty. With only 19 minutes to go in the episode, I suspect that several teams will be facing a similar penalty or that it will be a non-elimination.
Following a commercial break, both the twins and Vanessa & Ralph admirably and maybe foolishly decide to stick it out with the tasks they chose. At this point, we see that the Army of Two have already burned up nearly an hour and 15 minutes of their penalty and no other teams have started the Roadblock yet. They just have to sweat it out for another 45 minutes of praying for Amazing Race hardship on their competition.
The next three teams arrive at the Roadblock and the teammates up for some bottle balancing are Bad Rachel, Joey of Jersey Shore, and Mark of Kentucky. Three quickly becomes five with Un-Fed Nary and cousin Kerri stepping up for their teams.
My extreme annoyance with Big Brother as a team is heightened by the following things:
Bad Rachel is the first one done with the Roadblock;
She decides to do a “please look at me, please look at me” victory dance;
She actually did a commendable job on the tasks; but most of all
She whines about having to run up a hill and stairs, then over exaggerates being so out of breath but is okay to jump up and down joyously when Phil say they are team number two.
Unfortunately, the solid work of Joey Fitness & Danny is not recognized even though they are team number three. Blonde Rachel & Dave still have 30 minutes to cool their jets and suffer through possibly more teams checking in before them.
With Mark and Nary finishing the Roadblock and rejoining Bopper and Jamie, they trek to the Pitstop together. Amazingly, they arrive literally seconds before Army of Two’s penalty expires. So the official count is Kentucky as number four, Team Un-Fed as number five and Army of Two as number six. Phil then tries to offer a visibly dejected Dave some solace in the fact that in 20 seasons, they are the first team to not finish a task and incur the time penalty but still remain in the race.
Given the futile Detour efforts of the twins and Vanessa & Ralph, there really wasn’t much danger of them actually being eliminated. Night has fallen and we are shown cousins Kerri & Stacy being checked in as number seven.
The race is still on as both of the last teams at the Detour finally finish their tasks at 2 a.m. (if the two chimes of the clock tower we hear are to be believed). The twins arrive first and Andrew the musician who can string a guitar but not a harp is the chosen one for the Roadblock. Andrew appears to have accepted their last place fate - that is, until Vanessa & Ralph roll up and everyone is instantly energized.
Ralph reluctantly accepts the Roadblock challenge and nails it. The dating team grabs the clue and makes it out of the Roadblock first. As they are running to the Pitstop, Andrew finishes up. Despite being the faster of the two teams, Vanessa & Ralph had enough of a head start and they are checked in as number eight. Obviously, I really have overestimated them. They fell to the back of the pack quickly and never recovered this week.
The twins show up at the mat and with a hard fought leg behind them, they are the last team to arrive and Phil tells them they are eliminated. Before the season, I pegged them to make it to the end but over the first two episodes, I course corrected but I really didn’t think that they would be gone before Jersey Shore.
So, aside from the stellar task work of Border Patrol Art & JJ, this leg may go down as the most arduous one the teams have been subjected to in 20 seasons.
Next week, we get more crocodile tears from…wait for it…Bad Rachel. Amidst said tears, she says, “I just wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend” and also, in a fit of anger, says, “I hate you” and “This isn’t worth a million dollars.” I suspect that my upcoming week of wishing that they quit the race will be unfulfilled. Have a good one and I thank you in advance for wishing right along with me.