Top Chef: Texas Recap
By David Mumpower
January 18, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com

There are a surprising number of naked photos of him on the Internet.

It was a sad loss for everyone who enjoyed looking at Malibu Chris last week, but now we press on to the final eight contestants, which means Restaurant Wars are here. Let's take a look at how the cheftestants stack up at the moment:

1) Paul Qui - Once again, Paul has found himself with the winning group. Until he really shows some vulnerability, there is simply no reason whatsoever to drop him from this top position. He's established himself as the biggest risk taker as well as the most consistent performer so far. Even better, he elevates the performance of those around him. It was certainly his creative barbecue idea that took his team over the top.

2) Edward Lee - Yes, Edward was in the bottom group last week, but he certainly wasn't in the bottom bottom group. The judges still like what he has to contribute, and he was pretty much screwed over by Sarah's heat exhaustion, doing the best he could to keep his team afloat. Sure, he was a little bitchy about the situation, but when you go back and watch the episode a second time, you can see that his read on Sarah was pretty much dead on. He's got the skill, but he can occasionally struggle in team situations. Restaurant Wars also is known for eliminating good contestants.

3) Lindsay Autry - Along with Paul, she was one of the winners in last week's challenge. She's been pretty darned quiet for the most part, but she has only been on the bottom during an elimination one time. She is at least doing well enough to elevate herself above other competitors. It's a little concerning that her one win comes thanks to Paul's great idea and execution, but she still played her part well enough.

4) Ty-Lör Boring - Ty has had a weird few episodes. He won the elimination round a couple of weeks ago, and last week he won the Quickfire, giving him immunity - which was a great thing to have in his pocket since Sarah was his team member and she disappeared (for legitimate reasons) for awhile. Both Ty and Edward had a monumentally difficult task in comparison to the other contestants. Ty still seems to be a pretty decent talent, but his up and down performances are definitely a concern.

5) Grayson Schmitz - Like Lindsay, Grayson followed Paul's lead to find her team with a win. It seems like she is a talented chef and she's definitely the kind of person you want to root for, but until she shows more consistency, she has to rank in the lower half. If she starts taking some risks and succeeding, she could prove to be underrated.

6) Sarah Grueneberg - It feels really wrong to knock someone because of legitimate health reasons, but her absence from last week's Elimination Challenge was a huge detriment to her team. Worse, when she came back after being ill, she pretty obviously cared about nothing except her dish and stayed only long enough to be certain it was plated. It didn't do her much good, because the judges had plenty of critical comments for her. She might be talented, but she does not work well with others and she's prone to make mistakes.

7) Beverly Kim - She's definitely the underdog and you want to root for her, but she was in the worst of the bottom two groups last week and the judges just didn't have anything nice to say about much of their stuff. She has good ideas; unfortunately, she can't get anyone to listen to them when she's working in a team situation.

8) Chris Jones - Moto Chris will continue to stay on the bottom of these rankings until he is either eliminated or he wins. He is always overthinking his dishes, making them needlessly complex or icky. He seems very nice, but there is a definite divide between him and the other seven chefs. It's miraculous that he continues to survive.

Previously on Top Chef, Nathan Myhrvold made a special appearance to hock his mega-expensive book collection, Modernist Cuisine. At a hefty $450 on Amazon, these tomes seem wildly overpriced to most of us, but since Myhrvold is worth several hundred million dollars, he probably doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Somewhere along the way, Malibu Chris was eliminated while Sarah was almost out of the competition for a different reason, heat exhaustion. Also, Sarah developed a feud with Edward. A word to the wise to Ed, our fellow southerner: the last southern gentlemen Sarah went after was Keith, who is no longer in the competition. Watch your back, dude.

We waste no time in getting to the fireworks factory in tonight’s episode. The chefs arrive at a building entitled The Palm Door and there is no furniture in the building. This can only mean one thing. Restaurant Wars, the most engaging episode each season, has arrived. And there will be no further surprises. Skipping the Quickfire Challenge entirely, the chefs are divided up in a battle of the sexes sans debate or drafting, the norm for this event.

With predetermined teams, we know that the women are Beverly, Sarah, Lindsay and Grayson. The men are Ty, Ed, Paul and Moto Chris. On paper, this is an epic mismatch. Paul is the best chef in the competition by quite a bit, at least based on performance thus far. Ed and Ty have worked together twice already in the competition with one meal a sensational triumph and the other undone by elements beyond their control involving Sarah. Frankly, as long as Moto Chris is not allowed to talk the others into crazy chef stunts, they should win in a walk. Meanwhile, Sarah’s behavior with Beverly has already shown shades of Heather and this issue could become magnified in tight quarters and extreme circumstances.

“I think the girls are a strong group but I definitely think the male chefs have more talent. Sarah knows flavor. There’s no doubt about it, but we all know her weakness is barbecuing out in the sun. “ – Edward, having the last laugh

Right on cue, Sarah starts complaining about Beverly’s performance in the steak challenge several episodes ago. Beverly incites so much vitriol in large women that we strongly suggest she live a crime-free life. We’ve seen enough caged heat movies to know that Beverly would not enjoy life on the inside. Sometimes when Sarah looks at Beverly during this episode, she seems to be calculating the steps required to brand a human being. This is like Oz with chicks.

Chefs are expected to deliver “a complete concept from name to design to menu”. In other words, the food and the design need to reflect the name of the store. This has proven to be a dramatic stumbling block to some very smart chefs in the past, which is why Restaurant Wars has led to some shocking eliminations in the past. There is also a dreaded front of the house assignment in this iteration; also, the chef given this task is also responsible for creating at least one dish. This is exactly the scenario that has doomed multiple contestants in the past. They have defined the ingredients and the preparation to a cohort only to see the dish fail to reach their idealized concept.

Perhaps taking a page from Top Chef history, Grayson volunteers for front of the house. No wait, Grayson volunteers Lindsay for front of the house. This is a rare moment of selfishness for an otherwise considerate chef. Since the move could prove the difference between losing and winning, it strikes us as the perfect moment to be calculating. Lindsay had not expected this and stutters her (eventual) consent. Meanwhile, Sarah continues to conflict with Beverly and seems to be setting up the petite teammate to be the fall girl if the men do in fact win. As such, Beverly and Lindsay currently seem like the most likely people eliminated from their teams.

The men are impressively harmonious. Edward volunteers for front of the house because he is the rare competitor with a great deal of experience in this regard. This should mean that he is a bit better at navigating the glad-handing in the front with the cooking in the back. The men choose Canteen as their name, explaining it to be “a communal place to eat”. That’s the long and short of their discussion. The menu comes together almost immediately and Moto Chris is thankfully low key, proffering no adventurous suggestions, something of a first for The Cigar Man. Wait, no. We spoke too soon. Chris offers to do a dessert that involves Cracker Jack flavors in liquid nitrogen. Chris seems like a very nice guy who is his own worst enemy in life.

Meanwhile, the women select Half Bushel as their concept. As we learn, Lindsay’s grandparents had a farm and sold peaches and so the idea of a bushel is seminal to her upbringing. An adorable picture is shown of a teeny-tiny Lindsay grinning broadly as she picked a peck of peaches. Anyone who ever joined their parents in acquiring produce in such a manner as a child can easily relate. The memories do cause a person to remember with fondness their childhood, making this a communal eating experience as well. Score this portion of the competition to the women. And the décor portion is obviously going to go with them as well. Only 25% of the men remaining in the competition are gay, meaning that they are basically hopeless in this regard.

The “twist” if it justifies such a designation is that the teams eat at one another’s restaurants. The men cook on the first night and the women sample their cuisine first. The following evening sees the roles reversed as the women cook with the men as their customers. The rest of the clientele is the same on both nights in order to normalize the judging. The customers use some shiny new Top Chef app (presumably available for download now on iTunes although I haven’t checked it out yet) to express their level of satisfaction with the meals. Meanwhile, the judges will determine who is being sent home.

The start of the evening for the men goes as well as would be expected. Edward is in complete command as the customers enter the new restaurant, Canteen. He states that he would have enjoyed another half hour of preparation but there is nothing in his demeanor that would reveal this. While Edward can be grumpy about the competition at times, he is completely in his element running a restaurant. Few people in life demonstrate the level of composure in their jobs that comes naturally for him in communicating with customers and co-workers.

The aspect of the evening that goes poorly for the men is partially their fault and partially terrible luck. The servers prove to be so incompetent that we wonder if this is their first time working in a service industry. Since the women will have the same employees, this is a snafu all the participants must address. It is particularly problematic for the men in that they have not concisely delineated which of them will expedite the others. Before the night is over, Ty and Paul wind up on the wrong side of the kitchen, wearing aprons in plain sight of the customers. This is problematic for any restaurant but the men catch a worse break since the judges notice each instance of crisis. It looks a bit sloppy and unprofessional. Still, Padma comments on how happy all of the customers appear, which is a credit to Edward’s stewardship as well as the quality of the meals being served.

The surprise of the night is that the judges are not dazzled by the food. The first course consists of two choices. Ty delivers a Thai style crab & shrimp salad, caramel fish sauce and peanuts. Paul creates a delicious looking ham & pork pate with mushrooms, braised mustard seeds and duck fat crostini. Ty’s dish is flat in the eyes of Hugh Acheson although Tom likes the sauce and Padma believes the shrimp is cooked perfectly. Hugh also likes Paul’s dish while Emeril Lagasse notes that the brioche is far too greasy.

The next course includes poached salmon in warm tomato water, clams, salmon skin & tomatillo jam, a dish from Ty and Paul. The next dish is Paul’s alone; it is a crispy skin pork belly with green apple & sweet potato puree. This one does not go well as Paul realizes too late that the dishes he has delivered to the judges do not have the mushrooms on them…and he was expediting this meal so the mistake is entirely his own. Meanwhile, there is nothing “marrying the taste” in Ty and Paul’s dish. If the team loses, both gentlemen are in some trouble. If Paul gets eliminated, the rest of this season will be frustrating to watch.

The dessert menu includes Edward’s delicious looking dish. It is an almond joy cake with malted chocolate mousse & banana coconut puree. This dessert looks like it would be worth every calorie. Meanwhile, Moto Chris creates a dish that is every bit as scattershot as his brain. The homemade cracker jack, cherries & peanut butter ice cream mix almost assuredly tastes wonderful but it looks like it has been plated by a four-year-old. We are just guessing here but we bet nobody has seen the floor of Chris’ bedroom in several years. There’s probably a pet or two hidden under several layers of clothing. The consensus about Edward’s dessert is that there is not enough coconut to call it an Almond Joy. We see this as an improvement over the candy bar but the judges clearly disagree. A divide occurs over Chris’ dish. Emeril and Hugh clearly hate it while Padma and Tom loooooove its saltiness.

While the judges say kind things about the restaurant, they all agree that some of the dishes need work. Similarly, Paul is dissatisfied with the seasoning on the dish he made with Ty and all of the men agree that they choked a bit. Whether this proves to be a case of demanding too much of themselves or a reasonable take on their overall performance remains to be seen. The customers looked quite happy while the judges seemed divided on the overall dining experience. The women said little of note about their competition.

The memorable moment during the female food prep occurs after Lindsay reveals a bit about herself. Apparently, she was prom queen in high school and valedictorian in college. Lindsay demands excellence of herself and others. Keeping this in mind, she instructs Beverly on how to prepare the halibut dish for which Lindsay is responsible. Beverly immediately notes that this is preparation is not the way that she would do the dish but she respectfully does so as requested in order to create a harmonious work environment. Grayson and Sarah have no such consideration and clash repeatedly prior to the arrival of the customers. This could blow up huge for the ladies.

The evening meal starts poorly. Sarah treats Beverly like a misbehaving child rather than a reality show competitor. Her behavior is unbecoming in every way possible. Beverly continues the tactic she has utilized so effectively throughout the season. The determined chef keeps her head down and works, figuring that Heather’s dogged attempts to undermine ultimately led to her demise. Perhaps the same could happen with Sarah. Grayson is less settled in this regard. Over the course of the evening, she finds Sarah less and less tolerable and eventually begins to shout her down. This is not a four person team but rather a two on two match-up between the bullies and the worker bees. Ultimately, the schism somehow works.

The judges wait indefinitely for Lindsay to seat them. They have so much free time that Padma serves herself some lemonade as Lindsay talks potatoes in the kitchen. When the men show up later, they also have to wait. The women fundamentally win the design war, perhaps accidentally. Their usage of furniture prevents a view of the serving area, which means that if there are problems in expediting, the customers and (more importantly) the judges will not witness them. This counteracts the massive delays in seating and serving. Still, Tom notes that there is much less energy in the room than the night before. The women appear to be playing from behind.

The first course comes long after Padma complains that she is hungry. Eventually, the judges are served a peach salad with pickled shallots, bacon vinaigrette & candied pistachios, a Grayson dish, and a mozzarella filled arancino, sweet & sour eggplant & celery salad, a Sarah dish. Both of these are well received although Hugh again questions the unification of the components. This is a thing with him. The judges then wait so long for the second course that Padma complains about the length of time it is taking to be served. Lindsay points this out to Sarah who melts down while ironically accusing Lindsay of needing to calm down. Beverly then states that both of them are out of control, which seems correct. Lindsay is in a world of trouble if the women lose.

Beverly’s only solo dish of the evening is another braised short rib. This one has a Thai basil potato puree, apple slaw & kimchi. She also plates Lindsay’s dish, which is grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo, fennel & sherry salad. Nobody in the back seemed happy with the way Lindsay’s dish was going and the judges quickly confirm these concerns. The dish is dry in the center and this almost assuredly happened because of the style of cooking she insisted that Beverly perform. Meanwhile, Beverly’s dish proves quite popular. Hugh states it’s the best thing he has had in two days of cooking.

Dessert includes a schaum torte with vanilla meringue & champagne berries from Grayson and hazelnut cream Italian doughnuts with banana sugar glaze. Sarah’s dish is “leaden” but otherwise acceptable. Grayson’s torte, on the other hand, puts a song in Padma’s heart and Tom concurs. Even Moto Chris celebrates it, blithely stating “This is the nicest dinner I’ve had since I got here.” His teammates immediately hammer him for a comment that indicates one of them is going home, but the point remains.

The women appear to have pulled out the victory here despite lacking the harmony of the men. In fact, Lindsay immediately attacks Beverly the instant the cooking is done by stating that the fish is overcooked. She clearly wants to create a gang up on Beverly but instead discovers that Grayson is squarely on Beverly’s side. “Let me tell you she did not mean to. It was probably the wrong cooking procedure to tell you the truth.” Ouch.

“Lindsay’s tone is frankly bitchy. I’m starting to feel maybe she wasn’t the right choice for front of the house.” – Grayson, summarizing the entire evening of conflict in one catty but probably honest sentence

The judges end the evening by stating that the food was clearly better at Half-Bushel and since this is a cooking competition, this means that the women have won. Judges Table confirms this assessment and leads to a hysterical moment wherein Beverly is chosen the winner of the evening. Even Grayson is a bit surprised by this news, but she quickly covers it by warmly hugging her compadre. Lindsay and Sarah are less graceful, even in victory. While Lindsay should be happy to know that she will not be eliminated tonight in spite of offering the worst overall performance, Sarah makes sure to state loudly that in her estimation Lindsay deserved the most praise of anyone. This is comically inaccurate as well as downright bitchy. Learn to win and lose with grace, Sarah.

When the men reach Judges Table, the situation is uncomfortable. As is oftentimes the case with Restaurant Wars, the weakest remaining player has not delivered the worst performance of the group. The judges try to talk themselves into voting out Moto Chris by reciting how little he did relative to his teammates. In the end, however, they realize that he is the least deserving of his group to be sent home or, at worst, second least deserving behind Edward. Paul is closer to going home than Moto Chris, which speaks to the frustrating nature of Restaurant Wars. In the end, however, everyone agrees that the worst dishes of the losing team were provided by Ty, which means he is eliminated from the competition just as it seemed he was beginning to find his footing as a Top Chef participant. If only Lindsay could have been eliminated for having the worst performance of the evening instead. This is what drives us nuts about Restaurant Wars.