Top Chef: Texas Recap
By David Mumpower
January 11, 2012
BoxOfficeProphets.com

He's prettier than you.

Ding, dong, the witch is dead. And with Heather disposed of, we're left to rank the remaining contestants. We're getting down to what should theoretically be the cream of the crop. And yet, it somehow seems as though there's a massive divide between the highest ranking cheftestants and the lowest ones remaining.

1. Paul Qui - He's easily won more challenges than any other contestant. So far, he's got two Quickfires and two elimination challenges under his belt, and has accumulated a nice little amount of prize money in the process. He's never been in the lowest group in any elimination challenge, and always seems to be thoughtful as he goes through his process of creating original, excellent food. He's head and shoulders above all of the rest of the contestants, but the thing about Top Chef is that it can take just a single bad round to put you out of the game. The good news is Paul seems like the least likely contestant in this group to fall prey to that kind of slip up.

2. Edward Lee - Edward can be volatile and opinionated, but he does have some of the most consistently beautiful plating we've ever seen from a Top Chef contestant. He hasn't been nearly as dominating as Paul, but Edward has established himself as a respectable player in the game with some formidable talent.

3. Lindsay Autry - Generally, she's done just enough to get by in each round. What this means is that she hasn't placed in the bottom at any point, but she also hasn't done much of notice other than to win a Quickfire and an early elimination challenge as part of a team. We'd like to see her step it up, but honestly, that seems to be the theme of this season - no one is really taking any chances.

4. Sarah Grueneberg - Sarah has been pretty inconsistent in this game, even if she did win the last Elimination Challenge and has another win besides that one from earlier in the game. She doesn't work well with others, which will likely bite her in some key upcoming challenges. Still, she clearly has talent, and on any given day she can bring it. It's unfortunately just impossible to know which version of Sarah you're going to get.

5. Ty-Lör Boring - Ty has stepped up his game lately, but he's gonna have to keep it up if he wants to rise through the rankings. He seems like a really great guy (yes, that's a big change of opinion from initial reactions) and he legitimately cares about the other people who are competing against him. Hopefully, we can see him continue to elevate his performance.

6. Grayson Schmitz - Grayson is on the opposite trajectory from Ty. She's been in the bottom group a couple of times in a row and is starting to show some weakness. Her dish last episode showed a stunning lack of creativity and an unwillingness to adapt to a problem she probably knew was going to sink her with the judges (a giant, oversized slab of beef). Grayson is vulnerable right now.

7. Beverly Kim - Beverly brought it last week, which was glorious to see in the face of the Wicked Witch Who Was Eliminated In The Same Challenge. That gives Bev a couple of challenge wins, but at the same time we do know that she doesn't have a propensity for teamwork; also, her timidity can set her back.

8. Chris Crary - Malibu Chris seems like a very, very nice person but he also seems like he is very much in over his head in this competition. He hasn't really stood out from the others in terms of excellent dishes, and he's been in the bottom group a couple of times already. He'd be low man on the totem pole if it weren't for...

9. Chris Jones - He just can't control himself. Time and time again we've seen him do something that was way too far over the top, hurting his cause significantly. Basically, he's a ticking time bomb. He might not do something crazy and needless this week, but you know that every time a challenge is announced, his brain is going crazy. Moto Chris needs to reign it in or he's going to be going home sometime very soon. The thing is, he's a likable guy and he really seems to enjoy what he's doing, even when it's nuts. It's hard to root against that. Then again, with Heather gone, there are really no villains left in the game.

Previously on Top Chef, everyone was asked to create a meal that demonstrated their roots. Psycho Heather, the most loathsome person in the history of a show that has featured multiple appearances by Marcel Vigneron, failed completely and was eliminated. This leads to speculation on my part that she was never actually born. Presumably, she manifested out of thin air, probably after a virgin’s blood was spilt on an altar. Now that the gypsy curse has been lifted with the malevolent spirit’s removal from the game, we can continue on as if Beverly were not treated deplorably by a terrible human being.

Tonight’s episode begins with Beverly celebrating the elimination of She Who Must Not Be Allowed in a Kitchen. And I can hardly blame her. The last time I saw a much larger woman treat a petite girl so crudely was in a women-in-prison film. Beverly would not be the groom in this scenario.

Several other cheftestants are equally relieved by her elimination. Edward is still irritated by Heather’s usage of his cake recipe on multiple occasions. Yes, he is right that using his intellectual property not once but twice is demonstrative of poor etiquette. Still, this reveals a side of his personality that seeps out from time to time. Edward is not here to compete on Top Chef. His sole purpose is to win. And this makes him a less than optimal reality show participant in that he gets mean and petty too often with regards to the competition. We otherwise think he’s great and believe he is one of the few participants thus far who seems capable of winning this season. We would like to see him dial down the ruthless, though.

An odd turn occurs as Sarah latches on to Edward’s revelation of the recipe as uncouth behavior for a variety of reasons. We weren’t crazy about what he did but she flips her bit over it. The editing of this is such that anyone with an understanding of the show’s production elements immediately recognizes that these two are going to butt heads at some point this episode or at some point down the line. Whether Edward is aware of it or not, Sarah is now his mortal enemy. And here we had just healed the wounds caused by the Beverly/Heather schism. Top Chef turned into professional wrestling so gradually I hardly noticed.

Tonight’s episode serves as an extended infomercial for a series of books called Modernist Cuisine. We will not pretend as if we had a previous awareness of them. Instead, we will simply state that they appear to be the 2012 chef’s answer to those old Time/Life books about World War II, The Great Cities and the American Wilderness. These are massive tomes and priced steeply enough that your average billionaire would think twice before pulling out their credit card. The six volume set is 2,400 pages long and sells for $450 on Amazon. At that price, we would suggest hiring a chef instead.

Anyway, author Nathan Myhrvold is the special judge for today’s Quickfire challenge. And this is as good a time as any to mention that he’s worth over half a billion dollars, meaning that $450 for a book probably strikes him as cheap. He was the first technology officer at Microsoft, which is kind of like being the first astronaut at NASA. Anyway, the competition this round is “to explore the modernist in you”. The premise is to utilize new techniques to illustrate modern cuisine. The contestant who wins will win immunity and a copy of the super-mega-expensive books.

The challenge seems to heavily favor Chris and Chris, the two molecular gastronomists in the competition. Then again, they are the worst remaining chefs in the competition based upon performance so it is difficult to view them as favorites for anything…other than elimination. Beverly is the chef who struggles the most. She becomes the first and only chef since Marcel to create a foam and when she tries to demonstrate her skill, judge Nathan gets foamed enough to qualify as a Nickelodeon game show contestant. Beverly also catches Padma in the crossfire. That is going to be one expensive laundry bill.

The other hilarious moment in this challenge occurs when Chris J. attempts to explain the benefits of a “magic pill” to Mr. Myhrvold. After a few moments of the sales pitch, the judge truncates the conversation by stating, “I grow these in my basement.” Moto Chris has just tried to sell Mark Zuckerberg on the genius of Facebook. Of course, this doesn’t prevent Chris from finishing on top in the competition. The judge senses a kindred spirit. The bottom is comprised of Paul (?!) whose dish lacked depth of flavor, Grayson, whose dish was too simplistic and Beverly, whose bumbling preparation required too much clean up afterward. Ty and Sarah join Chris on the top and Ty is determined the winner and thereby safe from elimination in the night’s challenge.

The elimination challenge is the polar opposite of the Quickfire. It is a traditional BBQ pit competition wherein the chefs will be asked to prepare five dishes for over 300 guests at The Salt Lick, a Texas institution. Myhrvold will be serving as a judge for this challenge as well as it turns out that he is a world champion at barbecue as well. Why isn’t he on Top Chef Masters? Anyway, the challenge requires the preparation of chicken, beef and pork barbecue along with a pair of side dishes. This is a ton of food to be produced by the contestants.

The participants are asked to divide into three trios and what follows next is predictable. Lindsay and Grayson saddle up to Paul, the strongest player, while Ty and Edward reunite. Sarah joins them, ostensibly because Ty talks a big game about barbecue. It is readily apparent, however, that she believes they are a strong duo and she wants to be part of the winning team. This leaves Beverly and the two Chrises as the Trio of Misfit Chefs in this challenge. At this moment, it seems all but certain one of them will be going home but what is amazing about Top Chef is how often weaker players combine into a stronger group.

Team Paul (let’s be realistic about who is carrying this trio) makes a group decision (no, really) to tackle a more daring flavor profile. As the other two groups choose beans and coleslaw as their all too obvious side dishes, Paul and Paul’s Angels choose a more exotic Asian flavor profile. As Grayson says, there is a bigger potential payoff for a riskier strategy. Chris and Chris and Heather’s Conqueror determine their risk in an altogether different manner. They choose to make a Dr. Pepper glaze on pork ribs because Dr. Pepper was invented in Texas and this season is Top Chef: Texas. I guess you have to hear the entire conversation for that to make sense. They also make beer can chicken, which entails shoving a beer can up the arse of a dead chicken. This is corpse desecration in the name of flavor.

Scott Roberts, the owner of The Salt Lick, takes the chefs on a tour of his barbecue pit. This is clearly a labor of love for him as he details how the restaurant came to be and what steps are entailed in making proper Texas-style barbecue. After the tour ends, he walks the players out to a trio of trucks. Each of them is loaded down with wood to the point where the front tires are a foot higher than the back tires where the wood sits. The Top Chef contestants will be asked to unload the kindling, start the fire for their respective pits and stay up as long as they deem necessary to build the appropriate flavor profile. This is going to be a strange night.

We learn a couple of things as the episode progresses. The first is that Grayson is not someone with whom we want to pull an all-nighter. She gets so goofy that we are forcibly reminded of the time Apu Nahasapeemapetilon thought he was some sort of hummingbird. Absolutely nothing she says makes sense. Meanwhile, Beverly fails to acknowledge the flammable properties of bourbon. As Malibu Chris sits outside and wonders whether she recognizes how dangerous that is, the camera production cuts to Beverly blithely ignoring an arcing flame that is scorching the outside glass door of the microwave above it. Moments later, the fire alarm predictably goes off. Somewhere, Smokey the Bear is crying.

The following day is when the challenge takes a turn for the dangerous. Sarah begins to show signs of dehydration. As she stands in from of the smoky firepit, she grows glassy-eyed. This is no surprise given that the temperature near the fire probably approaches 130 degrees. Moments later, she asks for medical help. The attendant gives her an oxygen mask and begins to deduce that she is suffering from heat exhaustion. First, she is asked the day of the week, which is not an easy question for someone who has been up all night anyway. Then, she is asked which month it is and when she fails that, the specialist checks her pulse. He quickly says, “Call it!” and she is rushed away on a stretcher.

Tom informs Edward and Ty that they are on their own in the competition but fails to update them on her health status. Edward is annoyed that they are a person down in a three person challenge, that there isn’t any reassurance about her safety and that they have far too much work to do considering the new time/work constraints. The two of them make a decision to cut their meat right away, a tactic Edward acknowledges is wrong in that it fundamentally violates the nature of a barbecue challenge. They are now smoking their meat instead (*Beavis giggle*).

Once the crowd forms, all of the teams get bombarded with customers. For Ty and Edward, this is the doomsday scenario. Ty quickly does the math and determines that the two of them must perform 2,100 plate strokes in order to fulfill orders for 300 guests…and the turnout is larger than expected. We strongly suspect that if we asked them to provide explicit details of this encounter now, neither man could do so. The entire serving must have been a blur. Alas, the strangest part doesn’t come until almost the end.

Sarah returns from medical treatment at exactly the right time to plate her dish for the judges. We initially believe that Edward is being petty when he points out that her sole concern upon her return is her chicken dish. As events unfold, this becomes impossible to deny. Out of the five items, she asks only about her chicken breast. Then, she suggests a new customer delivery method for plating that highlights - you guessed it – her chicken. If Edward had a knife in hand when she offered this suggestion, he may be in jail for murder right now. Instead, Ty plays diplomat by checking on the health of Sarah (if you’re reading this, Ty, you are clearly a very nice person) then informing her that the current methodology is working great.

This is where the situation grows more difficult for Sarah to justify. The judges arrive, ready to be served. Sarah begins to speak for the group, which again gives Edward the crazy eyes. After they depart, Sarah suddenly realizes that she is still ill and begs off from further servings. This is not an exaggeration of her behavior. She shows up just in time for the judges then leaves the instant they depart. While we make every attempt to give Sarah the benefit of the doubt (she isn’t thinking clearly after the dehydration and may be medicated at that moment), her behavior is beyond the pale.

Ty and Edward are carrying her in a situation for which chefs have eliminated in the past. They are doing this thanklessly already but then she shows up only to prioritize herself, her dish and her game status then leaves the moment any opportunity for self-aggrandizing is gone. This is the point where we remember how Keith wound up eliminated during the first episode. In his own words, Sarah threw him under the bus. Apparently, said bus still has some room underneath for Ty and Edward.

What becomes clear as the judges evaluate the 15 dishes in this challenge is that Team Paul is once again the class of the operation. The separation between Paul and everyone else is so vast at this point in the competition that it is difficult to envision a scenario where he is not in the finals. And to their credit, Lindsay and Grayson suppressed their egos for the best interest of the team, which led to a harmonious working environment and quality dishes. This trio appears certain to win the challenge. Sure enough, this is exactly what happens and the star of Team Paul, Paul, is chosen the winner. If you’re scoring at home, that is $35,000 he has won thus far in the competition. So, if he owes you money, this is the time to ask.

Ty, Edward and Sarah’s dishes are not mercilessly attacked by the judges, yet it is clear from their discussion that nothing is particularly exciting. By the time they reach Judges Table, Tom has become agitated over their decisions. He has determined that the dish was smoked instead of barbecued and this is exactly the sort of cheat that gets a chef eliminated. Edward makes certain to mention that they did the best they could considering the extenuating circumstances. This freaks out Sarah, who looks angrily in Edward’s direction as if surprised he would mention this. Both Sarah and Edward are politicians when it comes to the voting, which is a bit disappointing of both of them. Meanwhile, Ty continues to stand up and admit fault when his dishes are unsatisfactory. We believe Edward is the best remaining chef in this competition as we noted in the power rankings, but he is a bit too bristly at times.

Finally, Beverly and the Chrises do not deliver any dishes that satisfy the judges’ palates. In fact, everything they make straight down to the beans is dissatisfactory. And the worst news is that the magic word is uttered by one of the judges: inedible. Any time that word has been mentioned at Judges Table, someone has been sent home for the dish. The question here is which Chris will be sent home for the dish. Malibu Chris created the rub while Moto Chris barbecued the meat. Judges Table for them is an exercise in misery as they are critiqued for every little mistake, which takes a lot of time. Clearly, their dishes were lacking, which is unsurprising given the composition of the trio. We like both men named Chris this season yet we cannot ignore the fact that they constantly finish toward the bottom of the competition. This appears to be the episode where the perennial disappointments finally catch up to one of them.

In the end, Tom and the other judges make the determination that while Moto Chris messed up in the preparation of the meat, the reason it was inedible was the rub. The amount of salt in the reduction afforded no opportunity for the meat to be edible, which is a fatal mistake for the chef in question. Much to the chagrin of Lindsay, Grayson and innumerable Bravo Television viewers, Malibu Chris is eliminated. The good news is that he can go home and work on his body more. Judging from Internet comments I’ve read, this is the most important aspect of his future growth as a chef. Stop objectifying Malibu Chris, people!