Top Chef: Texas Recap
By David Mumpower
December 6, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Still at the rodeo, the chefs are still exhausted from the chili cook-off and its aftermath, Padma walks over to them. She displeases many of the mentally fatigued competitors by informing them that they will be making their way to Dallas for the next round of Top Chef. It is readily apparent that the thought of a good day of recovery at their “home” had kept many of them going over the past few hours. Now, they don’t even have that. A night of sleep is all that separates them from hitting the road. Edward is so homesick that he takes his pillow with him for the trip.
Now that the herd is thinning a bit, the road trip provides an opportunity to define the chefs a bit more. Edward reveals that he has been happily married for a year (his wife is stunning). Ty has a boyfriend and swears a lot, even to me, a frequent X-Box Live player. Heather worries about car sickness issues since she has a brother who throws up on her a lot. I guess it makes sense in context, at least to her. “Beautiful Chris” (Chuy’s term, not mine) reveals that he recently lost 70 pounds in two years after a picture of him led to teasing from friends who called him “Fatty”. The other thing I will note about Chris is that he seems to flirt with anything that moves. Chuy and Lindsay have both noticed.
As if anticipating my column months in advance, Chris arrives at the destination, a cornfield, and immediately starts to fixate on the attractiveness of John Besh, the guest judge for the week. Sidenote: Chris must have non-alcoholic beer goggles. John Besh is not “a handsome man” as he states. I guess “Beautiful Chris” likes potential sugar mommies and daddies.
After the 14 remaining players reach the cornfield, Padma informs them of their plight. They will be cooking outdoors and their ingredients will be the survival kits in the hatchback of their cars. The chef who wins will win $5,000 and immunity; all 14 dishes will be terrible. We saw this toward the end of Top Chef All-Stars when Richard Blais tried to use something similar to spruce up his dish. It…didn’t work.
The most aggressive move during the Quickfire challenge comes from Moto Chris. He sprints headfirst into the cornfield, a huge no-no in any horror movie, and finds “fresh corn”. His idea is that by utilizing the environment in his dish, he will impress the judges with his creativity. Clever. Alas, the plan falls apart the moment he realizes he has dry corn that is inedible. He decides to use the corn husk for presentation purposes instead. Everyone else realizes that their meal choices are just as inedible. I would not want to be a judge for this. I think the product placement is sponsored by ptomaine.
The various dishes are almost universally awful as expected. Besh’s facial expressions as he samples the food would all make for great avatar gifs. There are a couple of inventive ideas, though. Lindsay incorporates Vienna sausage as a tribute to her father, who loves them. I do too but I had to stop buying them because Kim would make that “put that down and stop embarrassing me” face when we were out shopping. Chuy chooses creole flavors to suck up to southerner John Besh. The rest of them shove stuff on crackers or put them in soup. There is much failure in this challenge.
The bottom of the barrel in the survival pack disaster are Whitney for lack of effort, Dakota for a one dimensional sweet dish, and “Beautiful” Chris Crary for poor seasoning. Dakota knew she was screwed, but I have two other thoughts here. 1) Who is Whitney? 2) Chris C., you’re never going to get John Besh as a sugar daddy if you can’t season his meat any better than that.
The best dishes in this round are remarkably inventive given the draconian parameters. Chuy scores points with the southern flavors as expected, marking the first time in the competition he’s seemed like a quality competitor. Edward creates a gorgeous looking crabcake dish housed in a metal tin. I’m surprised this one doesn’t win, because it’s an impressive looking meal, all things considered. Lindsay’s Vienna sausage crackers and sausage is probably the only dish there that anybody would eat and it is populist as well. Lindsay wins the round for creating a meal that would make her daddy proud and thereby wins immunity and $5,000. Edward says, “That had to have been one hell of a sandwich because it looked dry as the Texas land we were standing on.” Learn to demonstrate grace in defeat, dude.
The elimination challenge for this episode is revealed and it is a good one. The chefs will cook at a progressive dinner, preparing appetizers at one home, entrées at another and desserts at the third home. The chefs are lined up and arbitrarily assigned one of the meals. Moto Chris, Paul, Whitney (seriously, who is Whitney?), Lindsay and Sarah handle the appetizers. Beverly, Chuy, Heather, Ty and Nyesha create the entrées. And Chris C., Grayson, Ed and Dakota lose the lottery and have to make the desserts. Free advice: don’t make a cake. It won’t end well.
The first step in the progressive dinner is to meet with the three couples. Some of the chefs such as Ty have familiarity with the process (he name drops Bill Gates then the camera cuts him off before he can brag more) while others lament walking into “Desperate Housewives type of homes” and cooking in their kitchens. Right on cue, Kim & Justin Whitman introduce themselves. I bet that Kim is hiding a vicodin addiction while Justin is having an affair with the yet unseen woman from the desserts meal. Just a hunch.
As an aside, the episode probably doesn’t focus on the books the way she would like, but Kimberly Schlegel Whitman has written five titles currently available on Amazon. One of them is in the top 100 in the weddings category. I do the research so that you don’t have to, people! What this means is that party planning is Mrs. Whitman’s vocation as well as her passion. The judges need to cater to her whims as the husband is just along for the ride here, even more so than normal in these situations.
The episode goes wrong the moment Moto Chris enters the Whitman home. He notices that Justin is quite the cigar aficionado. Chris locks in on the idea of making a presentation that will appeal to Mr. Whitman. There is some good in this but most of the decision making is terrible. If we rewind to the Quickfire challenge, Chris recognized an opportunity with the cornfield and took it. The strategy did not pay off when the corn proved less than satisfying, but I admire his creativity. It was the right note of daring for the moment.
With regards to the cigar, however, Chris is not learning from a past mistake. He is still desperately attempting to demonstrate to the judges that he has Big Ideas, and this comes across as a bit insecure. Even worse, once he locks in on an idea, he has trouble letting go. Sometimes, you have to drop back and punt when a play doesn’t work. Chris is standing in the home of a woman who plans parties for a living and he is worrying about her husband’s opinion. That’s a tactical error.
The entrée portion of the evening will occur at the estate of Kari and Troy Kloewer, which “smells the smell of money”. The Kloewers are not afraid to speak their minds about their likes and dislikes. This causes Ty to note that while the husband may be crush worthy, the wife is very, very, very high maintenance. This leads Chuy to offer the hilarious comment that people like her and exactly why he doesn’t provide the cuisine for lavish affairs. He much prefers being able to kick them out of the restaurant once he’s done with them. Chuy is having a good episode.
While the first two houses were lovely, Kameron & Court Westcott take the tile of most lavish home. It’s more of a stately mansion, really. The Westcotts seem like lovely people who could buy and sell me, but upon noticing the husband, I realize my earlier Desperate Housewives joke was prescient. Mr. Westcott seems is a foot shorter than his wife and has a “giant gummy bear” addiction. What a strange way to audition for Real Housewives of Dallas, which is what this entire episode feels like.
The only noteworthy cooking aspect of tonight’s episode involves Beverly (huge surprise). She enters a kitchen she is sharing with four other competitors. How does she proceed? Beverly of course hoards as many cooking items as she can reach, fills up the entire sink with her stuff and blocks the others from using the stove. This is not a joke. There are four other Top Chef contestants in this kitchen. Three of them are shown on camera complaining to her about the absurdly self-centered behavior. At least one of them calls her Sabotage, which is a nickname that I hope sticks throughout the season.
“Are they going to be like ‘Wow, what is this on a plate and why did you serve me a cigar?’” – Moto Chris, entering the acceptance phase
The appetizer round begins as expected. There is a look of horror on the faces of the six spouses as Chris’ cigar dish is revealed. The look of this is eerily similar to…well, you ordinarily find it in a diaper. He has further pushed the boundaries of good taste by creating an ash effect around the cigar. Stating the obvious, any dish that requires a diner to swallow ash is ill considered. These six people simultaneously recoil at the thought of it. A couple of them seem to be calculating whether it is too late to cancel the progressive party. What’s worse is that the other dishes are very well received. As the diners recount their enjoyment of the meal, one politely states that most dishes are good but a couple are a bit lacking. Tom has a quip he has probably been readying for an hour, “Close but no cigar.” Moto Chris HAS to be going home tonight.
The entrée portion of the evening doesn’t go quite as well. While Heather and Ty build each other up in the kitchen (remember that he was her sous chef for a while), neither of their dishes is a crowd pleaser. Heather has overcooked lamp chops that bother Gail and Tom. Heather is going to be on the bottom. Ty’s dish is “dry” and “sloppy”; he may be on the bottom as well. Chuy’s salmon is “extremely mild” but one of the wives states it is “very good”. So, he should be fine. Nyesha receives the most humorous criticism. Her meat dish is served with a red wine reduction. The women quickly agree that it looks like blood around the meat, an unappetizing thought that bothers them almost as much as the cigar did. The fact that John Besh dismisses this complaint indicates Nyesha is fine.
The potential Real Housewives are looking forward to dessert. And the chefs seem to deliver, given the images shown. Dakota’s bread pudding includes an inventive decision to put milkshake in a date. The diner drinks the milkshake then eats its container. Genius. Chris C. makes a cupcake (does this fall under the cake guidelines above?) that has enough icing to qualify as diabetic. Edward creates a gorgeous panna cotta although the raspberries on top create the appearance of a face with googly eyes. The housewives are quick to criticize this. Appearance is clearly everything in Dallas society. Grayson makes a spongecake with caramelized bananas that I wish I could order online right now. For a Top Chef episode, the dessert section has gone quite well.
The judges more or less confirm this assumption. Grayson’s dish is too rich for some but generally well received. The guests love Dakota’s bread pudding enough that I think she might win overall. Edward’s dish is compromised upon as “jiggly looking” but much richer in flavor than its appearance indicates. The lone disagreement involves the cupcake. Court Westcott had asked the chefs to channel their inner fat kid for the dish. He believes that Chris’ cupcake is one of the best he’s ever had. Tom gives him a look at utter disbelief. Then, he says the following, “My mother told me once that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything. I’ll just remain silent right now.” Moto Chris, don’t pack your knives just yet.
The top performers for this round are Grayson, Paul, Sarah and Dakota, two appetizers and two desserts. The entrée round went as poorly as it seemed. In terms of overall Top Chef status, Dakota and Paul in particular are establishing a strong resume and it appears as if one of them will be the winner tonight as well. Sure enough, Paul is chosen and in the process becomes the first multiple individual challenge winner of the season.
The other shoe drops when the chefs are asked to send Chuy, Chris C., Moto Chris and Ty. I am surprised by the fact that Heather is not chosen while Chuy is. The opinions shown on air indicated otherwise. When the judges interrogate the contestants, Tom is hard on Chris C. for his lack of decisiveness on his cupcake. Ty acknowledges that he knew his dish was sloppy, something he had said prior to serving the meal. Ty had stated he had an advantage, a history of cooking for wealthy people. Not so much. Chris is not buried as much for the cigar as I had anticipated. There is criticism about his gimmicks and lack of focus on making good food, which is some of the best advice he could possibly receive.
Unexpectedly, the harshest comments are directed at Chuy, who turtles a bit under the pressure. Chuy confesses that this is a dish he cooks regularly, a huge no-no on the show. He has also overcooked the salmon in order to protect the heat of the goat cheese. In the process, the cheese became mealy. Tom asks the obvious question. If overcooking the salmon is required to keep the cheese tolerable, why is that a good dish? Chuy cannot provide an answer to this and Tom is mystified by his silence. Chuy has gone from seeming safe, at least from the editing, to being in a lot of trouble.
Sure enough, Chuy is eliminated from Top Chef while Moto Chris is given a mulligan for his cigar disaster. The worst dish I have ever seen on the show does not cause an elimination while one that the guests enjoyed does. Having not sampled the dishes, I am only evaluating based on the footage shown, but this decision mystifies me. At no point during the episode was Chuy shown in the weeds while everything about the cigar was a disaster. How strange.